HarperCollins

wrote

One of the Boys was a very fun story to read! There are so many readers who will be able to relate to the fact that Hailey is in love with her best friend, Ace—it's definitely a dilemma many girls have experienced! Hailey's friendship with her other best friend, Alyssa, is both sweet and believable. And Noah is a really wonderful, compelling third angle in the love triangle—I suspect many of your readers are on the edge of their seats wondering whether Hailey will choose Ace or Noah! You also have a nice way with writing catchy chapter titles like “Love Buzzed and Let Down," and “Of Phone Calls, Tickle Fights, and String Bikinis"—very fun!

One question I had as I was reading the manuscript is whether the story should actually open in a different spot. Right now, the story begins as Hailey is waking up and getting ready for the first day of school—and her first day of dressing in a more “girly" way in an attempt to catch Ace's eye—which means that the first few pages include a chunk of expository text in the form of Hailey's thoughts, which may not be the most attention-grabbing way to begin the story. I would love to see the story begin a little earlier, with a little more drama or action, and with Hailey actually interacting with someone rather than just thinking about things inside her own head. What if the story were to open on the day that Hailey and Alyssa actually thought of their plan? I think readers would really enjoy seeing what brought Hailey to this point, rather than simply telling them after the fact. Did something specific happen to make Hailey decide to take matters into her own hands? If so, showing this scene could be a really engaging, dramatic way to open.

One suggestion editors often give writers is to “show, don't tell"—too often, in an effort to keep things moving quickly, writers simply “tell" readers what is happening rather than “showing" them. However, when you create a fully-realized scene around an event—rather than simply glossing over it in one or two sentences—you immerse your readers more fully in the story itself, and you also give the scene more dramatic punch. For example, in chapter eighteen, Hailey tells us that “Once we were back facing each other, with a two plates of food between us, Ace started into his food, and began explaining how upset he'd this past two weeks. How it drove him crazy to see me alone, when I was supposed to be with him." Now, these two sentences do give the readers the information they need, but this scene has so much dramatic potential that isn't being realized yet. I'd have loved to see these two sentences really fleshed out to create a full scene—after all, how much more swoon-worthy would it be for readers to actually hear all this in Ace's own words? Along similar lines, I found myself wishing that we met Noah once before his first “fake date" with Hailey, to give readers a chance to meet him and maybe even begin to put together the pieces themselves about his crush on Hailey, instead of being told this later on—it's always fun for readers when they feel like they know something that the protagonist doesn't!

Finally, just one smaller item to watch out for: Right now, the manuscript includes a number of spelling errors—some of which are particularly tricky because they're homophones, such as dyer/dire, peak/peek, aloud/allowed, ring/wring, where/wear, birth/berth, and so would not be caught by spell check. For example, “ring his neck" should actually be “wring his neck," but spell check would not catch the mistake because “ring" is also a real word, just not the correct word in this instance. Proofreading is always important, but will especially become so down the road when you may be submitting your work for consideration to agents or publishers for possible publication—while the quality of the story and the writing are of course the most important things, a polished manuscript with no errors is also essential to making the best impression!
You're off to a very nice start with One of the Boys! Thanks for giving us the chance to read the manuscript and to spend some time in Hailey's world. Best of luck with your writing!

j.red

wrote 5 days ago

I don't want to make you feel rushed but I'd love it if you could update soon. If you have writers block with this one just let me know. Maybe bouncing some ideas off me will help you out.

I just really love this one, it's my favorite out of all yours.

xXFreeMarieXx

wrote 10 days ago

I love it :D I am sooo team Noah! I cannot wait until you upload it.

Kimberly Watson

wrote 18 days ago

Please update PLease this story is sso good !!!!

Katie Barker

wrote 23 days ago

VERY good book!!! I love it. Please update soon!!! (:

AwwBree

wrote 23 days ago

HAHAHAHAH! Love it! The idea of the story is very unique and I love the humor you added too!
Please, update soon!
Picked! ;)

RoxyChick

wrote 23 days ago

Excellent story! Write more!

RoxyChick

wrote 23 days ago

Excellent story! Write more!

memeg_pop

wrote 26 days ago

come on you need to write more !

Evelyn Hooper

wrote 32 days ago

i love it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

leener

wrote 45 days ago

oh wow!!!i reeally love this story!!!io knw ots been a long time since uv written and im sure u have soo many things going on right now but i do hope u write more:)ur a great writer and id buy thiis book

wittyone

wrote 49 days ago

i'm totally hooked...you have to update soon..

mahoffman12

wrote 67 days ago

I could not stop reading this!! Its so good and entertaining!! Please let me know when you update this =) Congrats on getting a Top Pick!
Thanks for the awesome read!! =)
-Meghan

Mik96

wrote 72 days ago

In chapter two when you were talking about the trail of hair, it's called a happy trail, funny name I know, just thought I should let you know, I thought that might work better

bookworme

wrote 75 days ago

i agree with this jade person you have to update and mabe reread it cuz there are some faults and sometimes you forget words. but other than that it is AMAZING you have to update soon!!! I'M HOOKED!!!!!!! (0..0) :)

kimijenny

wrote 75 days ago

wen r u plannin 2 update dis? its ben almost 5 months. sry about da random outburst but u seriously hav 2 update dis.

~Jade

bookworme

wrote 75 days ago

i'm only at chapter 10 and i dont want her to end up with ace i want her yo go Noah
bw

girlwhowrites

wrote 76 days ago

omg! you have got to update this story! it is amazing! i love it! I have to know who she ends up with! I am hoping it's Noah... THIS STORY IS AMAZING!

Bethy

wrote 78 days ago

I'm dying here, waiting for the next chapter! I absolutely 100% love this book! And your other one!
"I was consciously aware of his fingers combing through his hair." I think its supposed to be sub-consciously.

maddylee17

wrote 80 days ago

update?

Mariah Myli

wrote 84 days ago

please update the story. It's mean to leave us waiting like this. Finish the book.

HaleyBeezy

wrote 87 days ago

Okay all I had was read the description and I was hooked. My names Haley and I used to call my best friend Ace... accidentally did step 1 hahaha whoops! I can't wait to read this

RedWriter

wrote 92 days ago

POST MORE!! :)

Jennie Elisabeth

wrote 98 days ago

Please update this! I'm dying to know what hapens next!

Tegan G.

wrote 106 days ago

can't wait for more chapters.

Bethy

wrote 114 days ago

I love this story! Oh! You have to finish it! There HAS to be more! Please, be the first person on here who actually listens to me and finishes their story! I know how difficult it is, but you could try to finish by August. Right?

Bethy

wrote 114 days ago

I love this story! Oh! You have to finish it! There HAS to be more! Please, be the first person on here who actually listens to me and finishes their story! I know how difficult it is, but you could try to finish by August. Right?

Tegan G.

wrote 121 days ago

I was so sad when I realized there were no more chapters. :( I really want to read more of this amazing work of art you have created.

aoife

wrote 122 days ago

Omg pleasepleaseplease update!!!! I realise that maybe your busy, but even a little bit every now and then just to stop me from dying!!!! Love the story xx

guitargurl

wrote 125 days ago

OMG UPDATE!!!!

madgirl13

wrote 129 days ago

update now! if your not going to update just tell us why! i think we deserve to know since we helped you earn that spot!

*What_to_do_with_death_approching*

wrote 133 days ago

Please. I'm begging you, to just update it. I mean seriously? You still have fans wanting more of this. Just cause HarperCollins reviewed it you stop? That's really messed up. Especially if you don't want me to die from anxiety. So please. Please,please,please. And update would be the best thing in the world.

Im_a_Ninja

wrote 136 days ago

So. I think that just because Harper Collins has read you book, you can't quit on me now!!
I still want to know who Hailey ends up with. :(

gabbwee

wrote 145 days ago

you need to update! the suspense is aweful! omg, so much drama! i so vote for noah! WAHOO, oh yeah update! i keep waiting and nothing new shows up...IT COULD KILL ME MAN!

aoife

wrote 147 days ago

Oh my god!!!!! Update, update, update!!!!! I NEED to find out what happens!!!! This is soooooo amazing :D oh my gosh, Noah! Swoon! Haha :D
There are a couple of little spelling mistakes, but nothing a little proof-reading can't fix :)
Awesome work, i loved it!!

Midnighter_3.1

wrote 147 days ago

Absolutaly great.
I love it . When i start reading it i couldn't stop until i finshed but i NEED to know how it's ends =)
You have a few grammar errors but beyond that this is an amazing sotry.
Please add the rest of the sotry .
BTW: i love Noah

kraylajs

wrote 148 days ago

i like it...spent all day reading it
and everything that hailey does SHOULD make you hate her but you somehow make her a character that we all can relate to and just want the best for. i cant wait to get some more of the story!

thatkraziigurldownthestreet

wrote 149 days ago

CLIFF-HANGER!!! PLEEEZ tell me youre gonna add more to this!!!

Water Bottle Blondie

wrote 151 days ago

Great story! Just to let you know, In Chapter 8 I was confused because Lucas said, "You look great, Hailey. I miss you." Then it said how she got pissed because he used her middle name, and that he knew she hated that, but isn't Hailey her first name? Everyone else calls her Hailey, so I just wanted to say that I was confused. Otherwise, loving the story so far! Still need to finish it though.

WBBlondie

lilleypad

wrote 153 days ago

JaquieC

wrote 156 days ago

Dear Lord, you must update this. You must. You cannot leave me hanging like this. It's cruel.

dobbytheninja

wrote 157 days ago

Okay, I know you'll probably never read this, and if you do, you won't care what it says, but I am so in love with this story. I've been with it since the beginning, and not knowing the ending or even how Noah and Hailey's date goes makes me paranoid. Please please PLEASE try writing some more and publishing it. I'm sure whatever has kept you from writing will not seem so terrible, be it writer's block, not enough time, etc. Hell, this story got to the Top Picks! Obviously it connected with a lot of people! All I'm asking is that you try to continue the connection. Please? Whether you take my request or not, thanks so much for posting this story on inkpop. It's spectacular. :)

Beautiful Disaster

wrote 159 days ago

lilleypad

wrote 164 days ago

Please update I'm dieing to find out if Hailey will end up with Ace or Noah or neither. The suspense is killing me.

skypie14

wrote 167 days ago

madgirl13

wrote 171 days ago

just let the readers know if you are going to ever update this story cause we are all dying to know who will end up with who! this is one of my all time favorite stories here on inkpop and you just left this story hanging. so please please post more or explain to the readers why you won't post anymore. its your choice...
:]

Im_a_Ninja

wrote 175 days ago

Hey. So. You need to finish this. I need to know who she ends up with. I'm hoping it's Noah. Because. quite frankly, I don't like Ace that much. But yeah. Please please, plleeeaaaasseee update this soon. I'm dying here!!!! :(

neonsun245

wrote 175 days ago

You really need to update this. I have been reading it non-stop and I NEED more. I want to know who she chooses!
Okay, so I've read 17 chapters of this and I don't want to read the eighteenth chapter yet because once I finish that, i'll have nothing more to read of this, and then I'll spiral into a deep depression. The need to know who Hailey chooses will just be much too great for me to handle. I love the pictures you have created in my mind of all the characters. Those pictures make me want to live in Hailey's world. To be Hailey is what I will probably dream about tonight(that's a little creepy, isn't it?).
Anyway, please update this, soon, and message me when you do. Can't wait to read more!

--Kirsten--

Im_a_Ninja

wrote 178 days ago

You need to update this.. Because I've been waiting since you last updated it.. And I think it's been too long since the last time. :)

SummerGirl97

wrote 187 days ago

Ace is a jerk.
I hope Hailey chooses Noah.
Hmmm......
Can't wait to find out though.... :p

xXkeyonaXx

wrote 188 days ago

i reaallllyy hope hailey chooses Noah(: i think they're perfect for eachother...can't wait for the rest of the story! i read this all in one day, absolutely amazing.