written 147 days ago

I love the way you turn a poem into an abstract work of art! Such delightful prose
articulately woven into something spectacular!!! *Very well done*

written 167 days ago

Yes, to poets like ourselves the rising sun can be a most exquisite sight!

As I parted the curtains to look through an unsullied pane of glass, the sun could be seen delicately emerging through
the trees. In my ungoverned mind, I perceived there to be a message of inspiration on everything those amber rays
touched! The day was now imploring me to live so that I may explore it! Like a beam of hope, my eyes threw themselves
into the scintillating beauty of an inspiring allurement to find what can only be described as the dawning of a glorious
new day! As the coat of the sun's orange rays touched the trees, it seemed to make the birds sing louder!

Your poems really do inspire my heart!!!

written 167 days ago

It saddens me to think that this is our own fate. We don't ponder it as we go about our day. We laugh and we talk with our friends
and acquaintances, never knowing that one day the inevitable will occur and our families may be forced to put us into an assisted
living facility. Live, enjoy the world, but most of all respect everyone and everything around you because we never can tell if the
tide of life is going to turn against us as well, leaving us weak and fragile as those who have graced the earth before us.

written 169 days ago

I really like the way you have broken it all down! Maybe it's the particular type of text you have chosen to use.
Whatever the case is, I am totally into it. Wow, this is really good. . .

I thought I might have had you with (((warring demons))) but you are indeed correct, warring does, in fact, have two R's!
Not only do I see you have done your homework, but a fine job of editing as well. I see you are using a dictionary.
may I suggest Dictionary.com as they have a thesaurus too. It is essential to every writer to not only to familiarize yourself
with a thesaurus, but to try and learn and memorize two new words per day. Words like apricate, which means to bask in the sun or vespertine, which means active, flowering or flourishing in the evening. Here is a quote from my book that has even the intellects confused!

"How clever the mind in its affinity toward ever knowing the requisite capacity to assimilate, lies unresolved."

I don't expect normal people to start writing like this, in truth, it should not be seriously approached and so I tuned it down.

"So subtle and crafty is the shark that lies in wait; the martyr in the midst of life; the feral bloody tooth."

Locating the errors in your work has been a puzzle for me, but at the end of the labyrinth I have solved the riddle!
You may not be aware of this, but you are constantly reiterating the same point. Removing everything and leaving
only the errors for me to judge I would have to say in all honesty, this one is serious. Now don't panic!!! You can fix it,
or you can let me show you how to correct it, that decision is yours. I will now show you where these little buggers reside.

Paragraph 7 - Bonded by the blood, or was it the love, that was ever so much heavier than the muddy waters, (((the icy waters.)))
Paragraph 8 - And yet I was speechless, (((breathless.)))
Paragraph 8 - Questions whirled around me, (((inside me.)))

Paragraph 8 - Because suddenly everything was different. (((He was different.))) *This one is perfect*

Paragraph 13 - Their sinful skins could not touch me, (((influence me.)))

Paragraph 15 - I was not like him, (((I was not.)))

Paragraph 15 - No, I refused to have such a thing, (((such a sin inside of me.)))

Paragraph 15 - It infected my soul, (((my being.)))

Paragraph 16 - Fine, such a lie. (((He was such a lie.)))

*Are you beginning to see it?*

Paragraph 21 - ...no one was home, (((no one ever was.)))

Paragraph 22 - I was shrieking in pain, (((in silent pain.)))

Paragraph 24 - ...this pain that enveloped my soul, (((my being.)))
Paragraph 24 - ...were fueling this great entity, (((this great pain.)))
Paragraph 24 - ...that my life was becoming undone. (((That my mind was becoming undone.)))

I could go on but I am sure you know now what I am speaking of.
These are the subtle disturbances of writing. Simple repetitions that knock everything off balance.
They do nothing but hinder, and they will not allow you to grow in your writing!

Paragraph 7 - Bonded by the blood or was it the love that was ever so much heavier than the cold icy waters. *Forget muddy*

Paragraph 8 - And yet I was breathless. *A little words to the wise; never under any circumstance begin a sentence
with the word (((and.))) Also, I would be very cautious to start a sentence using the word (((but.))) Two no-no's*

Paragraph 8 - Questions whirled around inside of me.

*Writing is nothing but wordplay, and a lot of intriguing combinations!*

Paragraph 13 - Their sinful skins could not touch me, nor could they influence me in any way.

Paragraph 15 - I was not like him!
Paragraph 15 - No, I refused to have such a sin inside of me.
Paragraph 15 - It infected my whole entire being from the tips of my fingers to the depths of my very soul.

Paragraph 16 - Fine, such a lie. He was such a lie. *It's either one or the other*

Paragraph 21 - ...no one was ever home.

Paragraph 22 - I was shrieking in silent pain.

Paragraph 24 - ...this pain that enveloped my soul.
Paragraph 24 - ...were fueling this great entity. What incredulous pain it brought me!
Paragraph 24 - ...that my life was becoming undone. That my mind was becoming undone. *You must choose only one*

I really enjoyed your story and am only helping you because I feel you may someday become a great writer.
If anything, I only hope you can pinpoint my flaws so that I may go in and adjust them.
We as writers must not be ashamed to learn from one another. It is a part of life that we can only gain from.

*I hope I was able to help*

written 170 days ago

This excerpt is very well written! I like the way it flows and will wait patiently for your return, to read more.

Top - This is an (((exert)))
Top - This is an (((excerpt)))
To exert means to put forth or into use, as power; exercise, as ability or influence.

1st paragraph - I don't care what you've done in your past, nor do I care what you look like or why (((your))) feel like everything is your fault.
*I am not criticizing you, only helping you as much as I am able*

End of 1st paragraph - He never would (((had))) thought she would ever confront him like this.
You can use this line - He would never (((have))) thought she would confront him like this.
But this one is the best - He never thought she would ever confront him like this.

2nd paragraph - "I can help you." she whispered. You broke a perfect sentence in two. . .
2nd paragraph - "I can help you," she whispered. Doesn't this seem a little better?

If you fix the errors, I will help you in any way I can in the future - C. Pendelton

written 170 days ago

Wow, are you sure you don't have "The Flowerpot Men, Peace Album" cause it certainly sounds like you have been listening
to it before you wrote this?!?! It is one of the best concept albums to ever be recorded! Second only to Dark side of the moon.
If you ever wanted to truly understand the concept of "peace" you will listen to each of these songs in their prospective order.
The only problem with concept albums is that the songs should never be heard individually, but as one whole entire piece.
Listen to the lyrics of this group and let them overtake your soul. Now, is peace really so hard to find? Whenever I am weighed
down by the weight of the world, I turn to this album to pull me out of it. Just copy and paste the following to youtube. . .

1) The Flowerpot Men - Prologue
2) The Flowerpot Men - These heavy times
3) The Flowerpot Men - Mythological Sunday
4) The Flowerpot Men - Colours
5) The Flowerpot Men - Blow away
6) The Flowerpot Men - Cooks of cake & kindness
7) The Flowerpot Men - Gotta be free
8) The Flowerpot Men - Heaven knows when
9) The Flowerpot Men - White dove
10) The Flowerpot Men - Epilogue

I can only hope this album touches your soul as it has touched mine. . . *Peace and love for all mankind*

written 172 days ago

In truth, there is nothing more precious nor endearing than that of woman and it is a sin in itself that very few men can see it.
Besides our eternal soul, a woman is the finest gift that God could ever bestow upon us. We are truly unworthy of such a gift.
I speak not for myself but to the multitudes of men residing in the world who abuse their lovers. They are unworthy of love.
Every woman should be treated like a princess and adored by her man for she brings life into this wicked world, but no. . .

As for your poem, I think it is right on the mark!
In other words, I think it is excellent!!!

written 172 days ago

This poem strikes hard and to the point without inflicting animosity.
Reflections of life through a loved one's eyes is to perceive without knowing exactly.
A vague summation of certain events we can be sure of, while the rest lies in a box darkly.
Surely, let us praise the man who was not afraid to dream, and with gentle kindness,
may we allow the tethered children of yesteryear to soar ever so high throughout the Heavens.
They have earned that right. . .

PS - Today is just tomorrow's yesterday. . . *I really love your poems for they allow me to breath!*

written 173 days ago

I can tell you are doing this as a hobby, since you have elected not to take the advice of others who have already critiqued
your work. If I am wrong, drop me a note and I will fix everything for you. Aside from that, I love what you have written!
I think your style is unique and inviting. It implores the reader to continue reading and I like that!!!

If you like romance and adventure you should read my novel, the embryo man, but be forewarned, the book will break you.
It will destroy the heart of anyone who reads it. it is the curse of the embryo man. If you decide to read the book, then I
will apologize to you now, for I know what the end result will bring. Just know it was not intentional. . .

written 173 days ago

Trust me, you will never end up alone. I can tell you from a man's point of view that if that is really your picture up
there, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I am surprised that when you walk around your school, you do
not sense or feel people 'checking you out.' Dispel those thoughts immediately because they are foolish thoughts.
Your emotions are lying to you because of your own insecurities! Tear them from you and cast them to the dogs!

*If I was young again and saw you, I wouldn't think twice about telling you how lovely you look. . . Honestly!*

written 174 days ago

Aside from the obvious translation problem, I find this to be quite interesting. The way you weave words out of patterns
rather than in a set fashion has me a bit intrigued. Clearly, you are learning a second language and this can be extremely
difficult. How different our two worlds. . . A world of bindi, mehindi and elaborately adorned satin lengthas to a world
of blue jeans, cut off shirts and an occasional tattoo or piercing! Keep persevering in your efforts, and you will find that
for all you inspire to create, you will have also made a few sad people smile along the way and that's what it's all about!

written 174 days ago

A delightfully written poem that dances around itself in an upbeat manner! This jubilant piece expresses the hearts joy in its
own unique way, by ignoring the traditional method of writing to focus on the abstract, yet without being classified as indifferent.

written 177 days ago

This is an exceptionally written poem! It is well balanced and within the structure of each verse and stanza,
it flows perfectly to encaptivate readers of all ages. An alluring piece! *Well done*

written 177 days ago

Loryn, you are really good! When writers reach this plateau there is nothing I can help them with.
Your story is perfect. There are no grammatical errors; the editing is flawless; you have a solid storyline
and all your characters work! What more can you possibly strive for? If anything, I would suggest you
continue writing until this story is complete. Face it, you’re an excellent writer. . . So continue.

I am also happy you decided to keep chapter 1 within Chapter 1!
You don’t know how many people out there put chapter 1 inside Chapter 2 or even Chapter 3!!

Anyway, just know I love your work and it is excellent! *Ciao for now*

written 177 days ago

Wonderfully meaningful! How happy are we when our hearts are abounding!!!
In life, there is nothing more beautiful nor exquisite than that of love!

written 177 days ago

This is a very sweet poem! It is so simple yet it reflects an even deeper meaning to the each person who reads it. *Que bello*

written 177 days ago

This is a very nice poem that reads almost like a story. I like it! If I didn't know better, I would think you read chapter 5 in my book!
"Danger on the thirteenth Floor!" Here is a line from it that will show you just how alike we are in that department. . .

"If you’re going to be frightened of anything, be frightened of the ogres and phantoms that lurk in dark corners of your house;
they plan your demise while you’re fast asleep and sometimes, you can even hear them stirring. When something falls to the floor
at night don’t blame the cat, he had nothing with it! Instead, blame those who are responsible if you dare.

*Nice job here*

written 178 days ago

There is nothing more passionate than poems written around love and longing; of lust and lasciviousness
intertwined with coated descriptions and events which unveil themselves to the reader in the form of a puzzle!
Here you've made it perfectly clear! *Bravo* You paint your emotions on a silk canvas in brilliant colors and you
do not feel the need to hide! In the end, sadness leaves the reader feeling a bit like the writer. . . Woeful.

*Great job*

written 178 days ago

Hello again! I just wanted to inform you that I read your new chapters and am thrilled by your passion! Not only the way
you have configured each sentence in terms of describing your environment and your characters, etc., but the overall
way in which you have chosen to do so! *The way you come across to your readers* I think it's magnificent!

I really enjoy the way you never seem to write ahead of yourself! There are no misspelled words or words
missing, so obviously you have mastered the art of editing! When I review my work, I seem to read right over
words that are not even there; and when I write, I am typing so fast my mind can barely process the task!!!
It really gets to be confusing when you are scouting for missing words or words thrown in out of sequence,
and you find that because you are so ahead of yourself, you are missing entire sentences! That is so frustrating.

*I will now add you to My Picks and hope to see you top 20 real soon!*

written 178 days ago

Wow, you have really grafted the mental anguish and the pain to love's conclusion! A beautifully written work depicting
a woman's neverending struggle to find such exquisite peace. One that will lay her heart to rest. Only after finding it
will her demons subside. In time, they will find another soul to torment, but it will no longer be hers.