Rachel_Harris12 wrote 61 days ago

Hello! This story has a really good plot! You had a few minor grammar issues but it can be helped by reading it outloud to yourself. If you have to stop and make sure you said it right then odds are its wrong. Overall, good job! This is going on my watch list!

AkebaNyro wrote 80 days ago

Heya!! Here for our swap.
This is a really interesting beginning -- it's difficult to start a story with a natural disaster like this, but you've done it well.

Criticisms: -
“little boy’s clean hand” – lose 'clean'
“green eyed, blonde haired boy” – try going into a bit more detail. This is one of those criticisms that makes me an unbelievable hypocrite, but you see it time and again; describe more than just hair and eyes. Next time you look at someone, look at their face and try to describe it without mentioning any colours. A sharp nose, podgy cheeks, smiling rosebud mouth, blotchy complexion -- something along those lines maybe??
“boys mother” -- I THINK that should be 'boy's mother' -- possessive apostrophe.
“guessed something was wrong from the howling wind” – leave that at 'guessed something was wrong', maybe -- more atmospheric.
You could maybe try a slower build-up to the storm?? It seems to start from nowhere -- nothing major, but just maybe little references throughout the beginning passage "He glanced nervously at the rattling windows; the wind was picking up." Just something like that, perhaps??

This was awesome: -
I LOVED the distance countdown to the cellar -- very tantalising and creates a great level of suspense.
I thought the lack of dialogue was very effective as well -- helped the reader understand the speed at which events are happening.
Gorgeous description of the family atmosphere, and really makes the ending poignant.

Overall a brilliantly hooking prologue!! Nice one!!
Becky :)

AmyMN28 wrote 86 days ago

Hi! Here for our swap. I’m sorry it took so long. I picked this earlier today, but I wanted to read a little more before I made my comments. My thoughts and suggestions are below. I hope they help. Warning! I’m a very detailed person, and I always point out things an author can work on. I hope you don’t mind. I just feel we’re all here to grow and learn as writers, and more detailed comments help us do that. A lot of these are just suggestions, so feel free to dismiss them if you wish. I hope these help. :o)
Prologue
I have to say, you did a wonderful job of pulling me in with the prologue. We have a sense of just how loving this family is in the few words you’ve written about them here. It was so sad and full of emotions. Bravo!
Chapter 1
A lot of times you need a comma where you have put a period. Especially in the dialogue. See example below.
“You need to eat something before you leave[,]” My Aunt Jen says…
I agree with Lycanthrope. You do use a lot of “I’s.” It gets a bit redundant. I’d cut them out whenever I could. I’d also stagger the length of my sentences more. Yours are a bit choppy. For example, where you have - I hear my aunt yell at me from downstairs. I quickly answer my Aunt Jenny. I hope out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I quickly grab a ten minute shower. You could have – My Aunt Jenny yells at me from downstairs. Hopping out of the bed, I answer her, and head to the bathroom to grab a quick shower. We solved two problems there. 1) The overuse of the word “I,” and 2) sentence length. Remember that these are just suggestions, so feel free to throw them out the window if you want. I just thought they might help.
I always scroll down and check out comments to make sure I don’t repeat someone. Tom W gave some great suggestions. It would be wise to heed his advice.
I know I’ve pointed out a lot of polishers, but I do like this.I think you’ve got a great framework here for an awesome story. A few tweaks here and there would really liven it up. Thank you so much for sharing this on inkpop with us, and for agreeing to swap with me. I’ve enjoyed the read. I hope to hear from you soon. :o)
Amy – Saving Elizabeth

DD wrote 94 days ago

PICKED
Its a great story and i'll be back with my comments after
d;

Lycanthrope wrote 95 days ago

You've got a great story here. The progloue made me cry, which is really someting since I've only cried over a book....3 times before? Something like that, lol
In the first 4 sentences of chapter 1, you say "Quickly" twice. It'd be best if you cut one out.
I'm afraid I have to diagnose you with "Repetative I disorder." A good number of I's is one every 3-5 sentences, and you have one in almost every sentence. You might want to look for ways to cut them out.
Besides that, awesome job. I'll be adding this to my picks when a spot opens up :)

DD wrote 104 days ago

added you to my reading list
d;

diane_stiffler wrote 114 days ago

I love the easy banter between your characters, it really brings them to life. I loved the dream Abigail had about the boy in the truck pajamas. Good touch keeping his mother in the story. Overall I didn't find any errors worth mentioning. I can't wait to read more. Please let me know when you add on! And this is picked! Thanks :)Diane

diane_stiffler wrote 114 days ago

I love the prologue! It got me sucked in! No pun intended! It's refreshing to have a male for the main character. And I like Evan so far, and his friend Ryan. You are setting up the rest of the book well right from the start, you're giving us backround on the characters without it seeming like your forcing it down our throats. It flows smoothly. I've only got to read the first two chapters, but will be back in the morning to read more! If the other chapters are as good as the first two it will be on my picks tomorrow! Thanks :)Diane

TomW wrote 123 days ago

Here for our swap...

Prologue...

Nice and short, paints a tranquil scene, then destroys it. The lack of warning bothers me. He sees the weather report, then immediately starts moving... Ok, so far. But then, right away the twister touches down. No warning? It might work better if he hears sounds in the distance, looks out the window THEN panics. You can keep what's panicking him secret as you do with what's on the weather report, but at least make the reader look back and say, "Oh, that's why the windows were rattling, or the branches were slapping against the house..."

Quibble: Start a new paragraph whenever a different person speaks.

Chapter 1 (inkpop 2)...

You're doing dialogue wrong. E.g. it should read, "You need to eat something before you leave," my Aunt Jenny says... See where I've put the comma (instead of a period) and a lower case 'm' in "my" - it's all one sentence.

"Running down my driveway to the road, I jump on my skateboard." - unless "-ing" words are handled correctly, they can suggest two unlikely, if not impossible, things are happening at the same time. It seems here that Evan is both running down the driveway AND jumping on his skateboard simultaneously. Try and reword. Perhaps something like this... "I jump on my skateboard and hurtled down the driveway to the road."

Ok, it's not too bad, but nothing's really happened here. It's all right to introduce us to his life and friends, but keep it short and get on with the real action.

Chapter 2 (Inkpop 3)...

Ok, now here's a mystery. My thought is you could easily slot this into the story somewhere within your current chapter 1 (do some rearranging). This would definitely make a reader wonder what's going to happen next. At the moment, it's too easy for someone to stop somewhere in chapter 1 (probably in the grocery store section).

Chapter 3...

Ok, the pace slows again, and you risk losing the readers who aren't absolutely in love with Evan and his friends. It might be worth combining the current chapters 1 and 3 into one chapter (that's as long as either one).

Overall: Right time precludes me from going farther. It's all competently written, but there's nothing really drawing the reader on, apart from the (relatively short) prologue and chapter 2. See if you can even up that balance between describing every aspect of Evan's existence and the "mystery" interludes.

There's nothing wrong with the characterisation, it just feels overdone. For instance, I don't feel I really learnt anything - or had any plot advancement - in chapter 3. You could quite easily dispense with it altogether, and the reader probably wouldn't notice.

Best wishes with this.

Regards,

TomW

sammy_ash wrote 130 days ago

I like this! I only read the prologue and the first chapter, but I'm putting it on my watch list so I can come back when I have more time. I really like the idea and all...nice work!

Trina Tragedy wrote 132 days ago

Prologue: Oh man. Totally didn't expect that. D: It's a very original idea you have, and very promising. ;)

One: A cute chapter, but after the last chapter, it was a little bit uneventful. Just a warning, some readers may find it boring just reading about the normal events of someone's day. I noticed that every once in a while, you switch from present tense to past tense. Present tense is pretty hard to write in, so I commend you for that. Just watch out for that. ;) It's pretty fixable if you just go back and reread.

Two: Ooh, interesting... lots of foreshadowing in this chapter. ;) It really leaves a lot to the imagination, and I had fun trying to predict what was gonna happen next. You used past tense a few times in this chapter too.

Lovely work ;)

Joseph Geary wrote 139 days ago

so far you do a great job with keeping with writing in the first person.i like your story and you do a wonderful job with this book in developing the whole project. iwould use more descriptions of sourrondings and opinions with the main character. adds a certain personality. but its really good and i'm not a book critique so you can just take it with a grain of salt.

Starlight-poet wrote 141 days ago

This really is creative. Outstandard, but too bad I don't know how to make my comment equally out-standard too. All the way, excelent description. Just let me know if you have more of your book, I would be glad to enjoy the reading

cyc wrote 147 days ago

The prologue really hooked me in and I like the way it progresses. Starts out a sweet family scene until the twister hits and sucks them away. That’s a shocker.

I like how the relationship between Evan and Allie is developing. They are friends and he’s able to tell her about his history. No lie. I like it when they start kissing :D

It’ll be interesting to see Aaron and Grace pulled into the rest of the story…

Some corrections:

Prologue
“Those are some cool trucks you have there[,]” he [says] as he [hugs] his towheaded son.
“It is time for bed[,]” [the] boy’s mother says…
“Happy Birthday and goodnight little guy. I love you[,]” [the] man tells…

Ch 1
“Bye guys[,]” I say…
“Whoa whoa, where’s the fire?” [my] Uncle Paul asks.
“You need to eat something before you leave[,]” [my] Aunt Jen says…
“…Don’t want to be late my second day back. Bye[,]” I say…
The [teachers] are already giving us a lot of work to do this year.
It [is] a perfect sunny morning…I [make] it to the school’s front yard…
I [sit] down on the concrete steps on the school…
Thankfully Ryan [is] walking up to me.
“Hey Evan,” [he] says grinning.
“…I remembered about it on my way over here[,]” I [ask] him, standing up.
“Um…Let me see. I think I did. Hold on[,]” [he] [says] as he [fishes]…
“Ah! Found it[,]” [he] [says]…
I [look] at it, and the words [are] illegible…
“…I can actually read her handwriting[,]” I [tell] him with a laugh as I [hand] him…
“Hey, where is she anyway?” [he] [asks].
“I don’t know. You should though, she’s your girlfriend[,]” I [reply].
“…Maybe she had to drop Max and Alicia off for Annie[,]” [he] points out…
“Hey boys, long time no see[,]” [she] says…
“Where are my girls?” [she] asks us.
“I haven’t seen them[,]” I answer…
“…I wanted to tell them all about my trip[,]” [she] [says] pouting.
“You can tell me[,]” I answer.
“…I love the beach[,]” Ryan says.
…and it helps that [their] daughter has a lot of practice to go to also.
“Hi, sorry I’m late sir[,]” [she] [says]…
She [sits] down two seats over in her usual seat.
For the rest of class[,] Mr. Miller [talks]…and then he [assigns]…
I [am] halfway done when the door [opens] again.
He looks at them quickly and [tells] her to find a seat.
The only empty seat [is] at my table…
She quickly [sits[ down and Mr. Miller [tells] me…while he [goes] to the bathroom.
He [leaves] the room, and as soon as he [does], Jordan and Allie, along with everyone else [starts] talking, before I [have] time to tell her what we [are] doing.
“No problem. I’ve got to go!” [she] [says]…
The rest of the day [passes] by…
When the final bell [rings], I [walk]…
I [close] my locker and [come]…
“…I looked at the schedule to see who I’d be working with[,]” [she] [asks].
“…Plus, I’ll tell you all about my trip!” [she] says excitedly.
“…On second thought, I’ll walk[,]” I reply joking.
“Well, Allie thanks for the ride[,]” I repeat.
“It was fun. Who knew you could sing[,]” [she] jokes.
“Stop it, [you’re] embarrassing me,” I reply.
“…My dog does a better job[,]” [she] says…
“…Hey, wait a minute, you don’t have a dog[,]” I say…
I quickly throw my things in my locker, [pull]…[pin]…and then [punch] in.
“Oh so much, how did you know?” [she] says mockingly.
The rest of my shift [goes] by pretty smoothly. It [is] an easy day. When it [is]…we [are] taking off…Allie [offers] me another ride. So I gladly [accept]. One the ride home, we [are] so busy talking that we [aren’t] pay attention…She finally [tells] me…
…and [go] to sleep early.

Sorry, that got long.
Most of the mistakes are the same.
First, this story seems to be in present tense, but you sometimes slip into the past tense. Watch for that.
Second, your dialogue should have a comma, not period when there’s a dialogue tag. The dialogue tag should be lowercased unless it’s a name or I.

blond-but-black wrote 164 days ago

I have only read the first couple of chapters but I have to stop and say you have a very nice writing voice. You can tell right from the very beginning where you flawlessly hook the reader that you have some serious writing potential, and you should be very proud! :)

Vargot wrote 165 days ago

Ok this is really good Elyse. I was pulled in and then continued to read. I couldnt stop. Love the characters and the attention to detail. This is going to do great on inkpop! Good luck!

Evie J wrote 172 days ago

I've read the prologue and the first chapter and it's reallllly good! Your tagline is awesome and intriguing! The prologue was great! It really pulled me in and made me want to continue reading. I saw a few mistakes in Chapter 1, mainly with the dialogue. I won't post them all, but here's an example:
"Well, Allie[,] thanks for the ride[,]" I repeat.
"It was fun. Who knew you could sing[,]" [s]he jokes.
Help?
Great work! :)

between_the_pages wrote 175 days ago

I've read the prologue and the first chapter. This is very well articulated. It has a wonderful hook :) There's just some minor errors but they can be fixed over time :)
The only negative thing I saw was that maybe some of the dialogue seemed kinda stiff and unrealistic. But that might just be me, because I have some of the same problem in places in Bright Blue.
Overall I really enjoyed it and will be getting back to it soon :)
~Ally(Sarah Elliot)

!books! wrote 176 days ago

Whoa. First, your pitch drew me in from the first sentence. This is amazing. I love the dialogue. Your characters seem very realistic.

Jersey Velder wrote 176 days ago

Oh....wow.