shiftermover0308 wrote 20 days ago

For our Swap: (sorry it took so long.)

Okay, so I've read to chapter four, and I have to say this: Nana reminds me of Edna Mole from the Incredibles. She's such a brain that it's awesome. Especially with the whole Identify yourself bit. I like the foam, that was funny.

Emily seems like an interesting character, you've done a good job letting us see how sheltered she was, and I like how she almost jumps at the chance of getting a job with the police force, but she thinks about her life in a box first. It's interesting and really cool how you played out the entire thing. :)

Chief seems like a good guy, but I'm wondering about the thief at the church, if he has anything more to do with the story. Just a though.

I'll be adding this to my picks and be back to read more eventually. :D
~Hannah

prettylittleliar wrote 23 days ago

this flowed so well togetherand you could get a picture in your mind of what it looked like. beautiful!

astrid_ofcourse wrote 26 days ago

so far I've read the first two chapters, and wow. This is very interesting. I love how you say 'and boxes break.' I'm going to read more now!
-Astrid

clumeclo wrote 46 days ago

I was a bit confused by the ending at first, but, I got it. Really fearsome idea. And, it makes you think a bit. I like that.

corey wrote 63 days ago

hmmm... i like it. it's sad so far a little dark. chapter 1 very good flow. i read through it didn't see anything that needed changed, nothing jumped out at me anyway. i'm loving the metaphor of the box. i shall read the second chapter soon and write back of course. something a bit more elaborate after i've slept a bit lol. hope all is well. please feel free to read and comment on my story as well.

corey

OliveMay wrote 73 days ago

Woah very powerful stuff.
I love the extended metaphor of the box throughout the first two chapters. Especially love the last line of the first chapter "Boxes hold our precious things. And boxes break" Talk about ending on a dramatic high!!
All I noticed was a couple of punctuation corrections.
"set high in the walls[,] sparkled with"
"sister is stupid too[;] I still believe"
"there[;] a tall, proud silhouette"
"In the orange juice and milk sky" I love your imagery, metaphors and similies throughout this story, they are absolutely perfect. I can see exactly what you are describing.
This is a brilliant opening, its poweful and emotional and draws the reader in from the first sentence. Absolutely amazing. And all the enigmas you have set up, im dying to know whats going to happen next. lol
Going on my picks :)
All the best
xxx
Ollie

x0niccx3 wrote 85 days ago

I'm going to honestly tell you that this is really one of the few books on this website that has made me want to keep on reading. I really don't have much to say, and I wish I did. I wish I could give you some advice as to how to make this better, how to fix it, how to add depth and character and all. But it's absolutely perfect. I have no critiques; nothing needs to be fixed or edited or anything. It's INCREDIBLE. I love your voice. I love your descriptions. I love the titles of your chapters. I love this. Wonderful job!
~*nicole:)

M.E. Quick wrote 87 days ago

That was actually wonderful! It was mysterious and creepy, not the kind of thing that keeps you up at night because you're afraid, but the kind of thing that might keep you up at night wondering. I like that you left infinity to the imagination, a lot of the time in writing 'less is more', more poetic and certainly more profound. I generally don't like short stories but I thoroughly enjoyed this. The only thing I might change is your first line. Likening the woman's voice to cold cream seems a bit out of place, and it doesn't convey the sense of 'creep' that I think you're trying to get across. Otherwise, this was a great read!

jackiegajda wrote 89 days ago

Hey there. :] The first thing I'd like to say is: wow, that cover is amazing. I don't know what it is about it. Perhaps because I cannot peel an apple like that, I don't know. Its lovely though, and definitely could catch an eye in a bookstore!
You had no real problems; at least, not major ones. I read Breakdown, Collision Course, King, & Background Check (so please read the Prologue and first two Chapters I have posted- - -I especially need comments on the second Chapter). Anyways, onto the critique!



Breakdown:
• I believe the word Hell should always be capitalized.

Collision Course:
• I believe Sun should always be capitalized as well.
• After Saturday night, you need quotation marks. You can't have the character start talking in one paragraph, and end the quotes on a completely different part of the page. Research how it is done. I could be wrong, but I believe when a character continues to talk to always have quotes at the beginning of the paragraph, but not the end (or until the character stops talking).

King:
• No mistakes, so good job!

Background Check:
• You never use parenthesis in a novel, ever. Bits in parenthesis are almost always never needed, so I would definitely edit these out.

All in all, great job. :] This will be going on my picks.

Jordan #13 wrote 90 days ago

Observations of a modest poet
(Judge for the Top 5 Poetry contest)

I love the line, "and you don't come by gold scars for free". I honestly cannot find anything that I would change, and trust me, I tried. I read it several times and, its great.

Star Gazer wrote 90 days ago

Taking Eden by orion

Since rumor has it Pluto was colonized last week, I'm here to share an Evolution Revolution comment. ;)

Gems within the prose:
* mine was a box of hands held while I crossed the street, of Halloween candy checked a thousand times for tampering, of hand saniziter and a wide berth around grown men, of don't-talk-to strangers and then hell-don't-talk-to-anyone. Walls of a parent's very great love. A ceiling of fear.
* in the orange juice and milk sky
* birds started to gather on the stoplights like flighty ladies' book clubs
* An ordinary man-passing-on-the-street, hello-next-door-neighbor, sir-your-coffee-is-ready human name.
* sensible desks under siege by battalions of paperwork (I appreciate the military references in keeping with her brother's service/death)


breakdown:
Emotionally compelling, insightful, mature.

collision course:
Oh, my heart's already broken and I'm only on the second page. You have a way of tugging at heart strings that is so natural, but powerful.
It's a little confusing, for a brief moment, when the man shoves her into the street and then the police comes up and is lost. I'm not certain who's lost or what the running is for - but not in a suspenseful way. Then it clears up when she grabs his hand.
The front door smashed open and he dragged the man out (consider swapping 'he' with 'officer'), then going on with that sentence, 'a catching glint' is confusing, and the blonde hair - which man's?
The end of the ch. is a bit confusing with so many men and 'he.' When there are more than two people in a scene, they need taglines and their own paragraphs.
The story is incredible, fresh, and original.

king:
???

background check:
OH. . . So Chief is the guy that she ran with - can this be shared earlier, please. Now, the pitch comes to light.
The part with Emily and Chief is strong. Her analysis is tempered with setting, actions, and reactions, creating a recipe for success.
Typo: Ahh. . .why does it feel so good [TO] break things?
Little confusion, is she the diminutive blonde?
Ouch - that's a sharp retort from Nana. Is Emily unattractive?
Again, please clarify 'he' when there are male characters and the 'he' doesn't refer to that character. Thanks!
'supermodel beauty' consider striking beauty

Possible glitches, please use this information as you see fit. This is 'it takes one to know one,' comment - you and I write the way people think and talk. It's natural and real. Unfortunately, book publishers and editors haven't caught on to it yet and will say the verb tenses slip in your sentences from past to present.

This book is loaded with potential at a level far beyond the norms. The plot is clear, there are subtle forces of good and evil at work, the MC is someone worth meeting in person, and the prose are mesmerizing. Yes, there's some grunt work needed to eliminate a few typos, and a little polish necessary to get rid of 'he' confusion, but overall this is a novel that balances a deep read with a fast pace. Please keep editing! Your talent needs to be shared with the world. ~ Toby

Shiraz wrote 99 days ago

breakdown:

*Love the intro. You used the metaphor to great effect.


Collision course:

breathed [deeply] to chase away

*Nice description of the taste of the City

finished thinking it[,] as a

*You establish the Emily's personality very well through her conversation with her brother and her actions on the street. Her soliloquy in the church was amazing. Then, a seemingly rash decision hold much more meaning for her than onlookers would think. Nice.


King:

*interesting interlude. it will be interesting to see how it fits in with the story


Background check:

afternoon call[,] Chief

why does it feel so good [to] break things?

the recruits [are] scared to death

*Well, Chief doesn't seem to know how to use a GPS. :-) I like the feel of the confused girl just tagging along and hoping everything will make sense at some point. Emily's a very likeable character and you've got me wondering how she'll react to the world she's just entered. A very interesting futuristic world you've set up here. A cop can have a civilian assistant who may get caught in the line of fire? Interesting. I love Nana's character and hope she frequents the story line because her attitude is great.

Spelling and grammar are wonderful. Only a few mistakes I caught. Sentence structure and style were well done. There were a few places I would have broken down or put together sentences differently, but things worked. Overall, a great piece of work. Good luck with it!

All the best,
Shiraz.

AlliBee wrote 100 days ago

101 comments! Congrats!!!

JenniferLavoie wrote 100 days ago

Here we go! I’m here for the swap/anger on your book. Whatever you want to call it, hehe.

Breakdown: I love the imagery in this. It’s a short chapter, but the impact just left me staring at the page. The way this was phrased was really well done. I like the idea of a parent’s love being the walls we live within, and the ceiling of fear is great. It’s just out of reach but there nonetheless.

Collision Course: “The babysitter’s eyes were like two big chocolate coins on a plate” – love this simile. It’s descriptive without being cliché.

When you have a character speaking for that long of time, you don’t need to end each paragraph with quotation marks because it’s still going on, however, you do need to begin each paragraph with them. It shows the reader that the person is still speaking. I thought she was talking to herself at the point, silently, until I got to the last paragraph of her dialogue and saw the end quotes.

“chase away the tears trying to be born” – love the way your phrase things. It’s unique and it fits the narrator very well. I can see her already emerging from the words.

“In the orange juice and milk sky” – some might find this strange, but the imagery is beautiful. I love the way you worded that, and I know exactly what image I should be calling to mind when I read that.

Ooh, she’s a lot older than I thought. The way she described herself and the way she spoke made her seem like she was thirteen, fourteen years old. Even though you did mention the event fourteen years ago. But she’s actually nineteen. Interesting.

King: No words for King. Simply loved it.

(why is this not in the top five right now? That said, I’m so glad I answered you on the thread you made…)

Background Check: “Anger is a hard thing to witness.” – agreed.

I want to know why the Chief is worried about replacing the GPS. That’s really interesting, and I hope we find out at some point.

I think I get the King chapter… is it supposed to be from Chief’s POV? Or about him?

“the kind of thin that made my fingers itch” – haha! Love this line.

Hmm… why is he lying about who’s headset it is? Very intriguing…

“That kind of talking like that can be more intimate than PDA.” – while I like what this means, the sentence structure is awkward. What about: The kind of talking that can be more intimate than PDA.

“And then the nozzles above us…” – haha, loved this line. Literally laughed out loud here.

Whoa, there’s nothing wrong with the GPS? Why can’t he use it then? I’m really interested in this story, you just keep adding levels and we’ve just started.

Okay, I have to stop there for now to finish other swaps, but I will be back. I HAVE to come back. You have me sucked into this story. I want to know what happens and figure out why Michael can’t use the GPS. Your attention to details is fantastic. I like the short chapters mixed with the long, because it’s like a little teaser for what’s coming up. But at the same time, it’s beautiful. You have a way with your words. I also like that you, so far, have kept this in Emily’s POV. I don’t know if this changes later, but it works like this. I like that I don’t know everything about Michael, and I want to find out as Emily does. Your story seems unique, too, which is a refreshing change from some of the formulaic things I’ve read here. I know you wanted people to take out their anger on your story, but I couldn’t! This is something I would buy in a bookstore, and more than that, I’d recommend it to others. I work in a bookstore, and in order for me to do that, I have to really love a book. This is great. Picked as soon as a spot clears up, and expect more comments from me as I read further.

AlliBee wrote 101 days ago

Sammi207- you read my mind.
HOLY CRAP.

Sammi207 wrote 102 days ago

Somehow I never read this. I'm so, so sorry.
And now for the real comment.
Can I curse? No? Well, what about a mild curse? Yes? Okay, good.
HOLY CRAP. This is amazing. Seriously? The breakdown? You, m'dear, are freaking genius. I think that's the most beautiful thing I've read in a long, long time.
And Collision Course? WHAT AN ENDING.
I'm continuing to read, but I was feeling like an idiot for only just starting to read now and felt the need to tell you how freaking spectacular I think this is.
Picks.

claire james wrote 102 days ago

A wee bit confused with the chapter King. But I'm sure if I read on it will all make sense. Mawhahaha. (I know I can't spell. lol.)

claire james wrote 102 days ago

Collison course: Oh my heart just could have broke for Emily, when she was wishing for Christopher. You really captured the emotion of losing someone and being angry at them for leaving too really well. Oh and that was so sad when she was running her fingers across his name carved into the wood. Again not one word wasted, your writing flows just lovely. And you've managed to capture so many emotions Sadness, bitterness, feeling trapped, everything is brilliant. I'm really curious as to what is going to happen next. Love the last two lines: Hey Chris- come home soon. Or else I'll come to you. Whoa, cracking ending.

claire james wrote 102 days ago

Breakdown: Really gripping, you didn't waste one single word. Every word seemed thought out. And isn't that so true our parents wrap us up in cotton wool and place us in a box from birth. Brilliant stuff. Off I go for more. Sorry I know this is a short comment, but there is simply nothing in the world wrong with this.

Minilove wrote 102 days ago

I’m writing this as I read, so if it’s confusing, metaphorically slap me with a fish and tell me to retype it.
First off, great prologue. It grabbed my attention, and the metaphors for the walls and ceiling were well-used. I honestly have NOTHING to critique about this.
The first chapter is touching, where she’s talking to her brother. You know that kinda sad but warm feeling you get when you read something so touching but sad? Yeah, I got that. At this point, I’ve decided to pick it. You have a wonderful writing style that really has caught my attention. Great job. Also, I’m not seeing any grammatical errors. (YAY.)
I love the “Pretty little doll in a pretty little box” but for more emphasis, I’d drop the “ha” at the end out. When she leaves the church, I feel a little lost. I know that she helped the police officer catch a criminal, but I’m not sure what happened when he couldn’t see her and such. You might want to tweak it a little more to show what’s going on. However, I love her resolution at the end. I can tell what direction the story is heading in just from these words.
The next intro confused me for a bit, but when I got into the next chapter it became much clearer. I loved how you described Nana in the next chapter as “the kind of thin that made my fingers itch to shove a Big Mac down her throat.” It made me smile.
And for the record, I LOVE Nana! She reminds me of Abby off of NCIS, and I freaking adore Abby, so Nana has officially become my favorite character. She. Is. Awesome. XP
I don’t get why Michael is keeping Emily around if he got his GPS fixed, but that might be explained in later chapters.
Overall, excellent. Your writing style is impeccable, and your characters are rounded. I’m liking this very much, and I’ll probably be back for more, I’m just ending the critique at chapter two. =)