written 194 days ago

This is wonderful, emotive writing. Your imagery is evocative and drew me in quickly. Your attention to language (use of strong verbs rather than limp adverbs, for example) shows that you care what you're doing and how your writing makes an impression in your readers' mind. Great job! On my picklist with pleasure. Cheers, MJ - The Dark Light of November

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written 194 days ago

Happy to Pick because your pitch and story premise caught my attention, and your writing demonstrates that the story is in capable hands. There's a distance you're placing between the reader and the story, though, and that distance comes through too much telling, not enough showing. Put simply, there is much rich drama and conflict in both chapter 1 and 2 that is not dramatized. Telling/showing also happens when the writer not only shows a scene, but follows it up with a statement of what it meant... when the writer draws a conclusion for the reader that the reader should draw based on the action. That said... you're off to a great start with this story, and I know you'll do well. Cheers, MJ - The Dark Light of November

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