Lovethatbook wrote 14 days ago

This story is really cute :) U could make this into a book

Kariah wrote 17 days ago

Okay wow, this was very cute.

Sweet, lighthearted, I love how intense her love for him was, how we get a visible image of him, but only a few hints of her personality. I liked how seemingly shallow this was, with that powerful sentence at the very end. "I love you."
Excellent job,
God bless,
K

Narnia Fan wrote 36 days ago

O.o Wow, Sebastian has serious anger management issues...

Narnia Fan wrote 48 days ago

This is a very interesting start! I only made it through Part 1, and I'm about to embark on Part 2, but I like the idea of Alice being considered crazy at her school. Can't wait to continue! :)

TomW wrote 55 days ago

Comments on Chapters 1-5...

Well, I got through these chapters without too many hiccups, which tells me it's well written for the most part. A few times, I noticed you slip into past tense from present, but I didn't notice any typos. I'd imagine a few Inkpoppers will demand more physical description of the characters, but I didn't feel the lack, being a minimalist myself (and someone who lets the reader's imagination get them involved in the story).

I'd suggest you find a way of revealing Truffle's age earlier, because I felt that she was younger, around fifteen. I couldn't put my finger on precisely why, however.

I got very nervous when it became clear Stefan was "special". The word "vampire" was swirling ominously around in my mind... The only other thing that gave me pause was the mutual declarations of love, after they've barely "met" (other than in a "I've seen you from a distance at school" way.

Good job overall. I think you might have a chance with this if the rest of it measures up to the opening and the premise. I shall pick when the opportunity arises.

Regards,

TomW

ceffyldwfr wrote 64 days ago

Okay, first off, I'm writing this part before I even start the story, to tell you that I'm looking forward to reading about someone who can read auras. :)
I like how you state that it's the narrator's tree. I can tell this part will be on a personal level just with that.
You don't need to state that the drunk driver was driving crazily. I'm sure that it is implied. Adverbs should be used sparingly. (Haha, I don't follow that rule much, though)
Try not to list things in threes, because it tends to read like a fairytale (threes are standard fairytale formula).
:) Emotions running around. It's a breath of fresh air to hear-well, read-people using something other than the cliched "emotions running wild".
Hmm, I'm not sure what 'titian hair', but it pulled me into the story more out of curiosity.
Haha, so awkward that she smells him.
You capture the psychological problems of a person with loss over a close friend quite well during the part when Anthony has to leave.
A golden, perhaps healing, aura? It makes you hope that there might be more Anthonys out there than drunken idiots, that's for sure.

Mcrae by Nature wrote 104 days ago

Review of Not Your Average Story,

I think the purple font is distracting, but I’m not here to judge the color of your font, I’m here to judge your writing, which is really good so far. Your pitch drew me in and I like what I’m reading. The crazy friend, the loner girl crushing on the cute guy, I like this all, it is both exciting and filled with conflict.

“Stefan and Alice sitting in a tree.” I think this should be “Stefan and Truffle sitting in a tree>” unless I read that wrong. :P

The kiss was unexpected and intriguing as well. It makes for a great end of chapter hook. It would be great if you went into more detail about it, how it felt physically, and how she felt emotionally afterwards. How did his lips feel against hers? That info would be great.

I read all of chapter one and I have to say you have a good beginning and a great premise. I’m excited to see where this goes, but until then, on my watchlist. (I’m 99% sure I’ll end up picking this)

Carrie L McRae
Things that Break

hayleaf wrote 104 days ago

[: This was so cute! I like the mesh of your own story and Alice and Wonderland.
"the ladder of popularity" ahahaha I love that part
Just a small note, your story begins by saying that it'll be a unique one, not just a romance. However, the first paragraph (sans the whole AiW stuff) does sorta sounds cliche romantic, so just watch that.

Overall, good job! I am interested to read more chapters~

Hayley

hayleaf wrote 104 days ago

Hi there. So first off I'll say that I really liked Melody's sarcasm at her own freakishness. (That list made me laugh) However, I really think this could be extended because everything moves way to fast. Are you thinking about a book? I think you also need to continue developing the whole "seeing auras" thing. Why does this happen? Good luck!

unsure_hundred wrote 127 days ago

this was cute, it's a very simple way to reflect on an entire relationship with someone
great job =)

cyc wrote 139 days ago

Aw, this is a sweet poem about this blue-eyed boy. She remembers these things about him. I wonder where he went. Still, she loves him :)

Evie J wrote 168 days ago

So sweet! I really liked this! My only critique is that it's blue[-]eyed instead of blue eyed. But that's all. This flows very well and it's just so beautiful and full of emotion!
Great work! :)

LANE=) wrote 175 days ago

i liked how we got a glimps of who this boy was, and you did it in step with the structure of the poem. you showed the longing for him well. nice job =)

Kariah wrote 181 days ago

Aw, I really liked this. Usually in a poem emotion leaves no room for description, but you let us know what this boy looked like without giving away any part of the rhythm or emotion. I really liked this,
and the last sentence seemed to tie it up perfectly
Excellent job

inkzonmypagez wrote 182 days ago

that is SOO cool!!! would you be interested in reading some of my poetry?