written 1 day ago

oohhh I LOVED this :)
I love how each line represents something so deep, but appears so lighthearted.
This is beautiful, and really good. Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 3 days ago

"Can you please get me some tylenol I have a splitting headache" Okay, this seemed totally out of it to me. If Sam is 14, and Kim is younger than Sam, then she could be 13 at the very youngest, and I couldn't picture any 13 year old...or 14 year old for that matter, to say something like that.
You never do actually mention Kim's age, and I was quite curious to know how old she was, is that mentioned in a latter chapter?
"But they didn't stop to talk, to[o] busy I guess"

This is a good beginning, you have some grammatical errors you could fix, and it could stand some editing to make things go more smoothly, but I'd like to see where this goes.

Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 4 days ago

Okay, I really like this in a strange way. I think littlun pointed out everything that I would say for a critique, so I have nothing to say but remember to use commas in some areas, and excellent writing :)
God bless,
K

written 6 days ago

"That I don't [think] my heart can take it"
"I don't want to lose another[.]"
"heartMy heart" (spacing)
"Brightess" should be "Brightest"
"It hurts to[o] much to be alone"
"My heart and sould die" (Take the d out of soul)

Okay, I really like this poem. I can tell that you were really writing from emotion in this poem, and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to this. Personally, I related to this strongly, because I've felt that fear of being alone again all too strongly.

"Please don't let my heart be alone again." Such a bittersweet, beautiful, sad line. It really spoke to me I loved it.
This line also reminded me of one of my favorite comics ever, have you ever heard of Pon and Zi? Well their an animated emo couple, and in one of the scenes, one of them is handing the other their heart, and saying "Please don't break this" Your line reminded me of this picture.
I really loved everything about this poem. Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 9 days ago

"Dosen't" should be "Doesn't"
Okay, so this has a lot of potential, but is obviously a work in progress, I think this needs to go under serious editting, but I like what you have so far, the beginning is great, and I can't wait to see where it goes.

written 9 days ago

"I'm" instead of "i'm"
Other than that, I liked this as well.
"Kiss me like I'm air and you're suffocating" love Love LOVED!!! This line <3 <3 BEAUTIFUL!!!
Okay, so I love your cute lighthearted love poems beeeaaauuttiffuulll
Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 9 days ago

"It's to[o] good to be true"
"Obviously can[']t see"

Okay, this is beautiful.
I think a lot of girls will read this and think of someone, and I think that's what you're going for, so I have to admit, from me at least you got what you were going for ;)
I love how it starts off so beautifully, how it seems like it's forever, but then at the end, how it turns to a bittersweet note, "I've lost him and I miss him" Such a powerful sentence. "Remembering" A very powerful word.
I loved everything about this poem,
Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 9 days ago

I love the poem at the very beginning of this.
Okay, you start out very strong. VERY strong. It's a really good beginning, and I was actually a little hesitant in believing you could keep the story just as strong the entire way through, but I think you did a very good job of that.

My inner editor came out here:
- The fact that you mention she throws up what little left she has in her stomach at one point, but then say she throws up again and again didn't sit well with me...You might want to mention maybe at this point she was gagging but nothing was coming up or something, or not mention that she doesn't have much in her stomach to begin with.
- "Indulge in the idea of me [and] them" (You missed a word.) Rewording: "Indulge in the idea of them and I."

but other than that it seemed like a pretty well polished story with a lot of potential.
I love the emotion, I was actually really near tears, and I almost jumped at the harsh words, she stabs her sister? Wow that's some serious family issues... I think you could actually make it a little more dramatic, elongate the scene...describe how she sinks into the floor (blah blah blah) just scare the pants off your reader, it would bring even more power to such a powerful scene already. I think the scene you created has a lot of potential, and you got a lot covered in what you wrote, but you could go further.
Other than that, excellent job, I love the name Carson and I would love to know when you post the full story of this,
Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 10 days ago

"Don't care where to[.]"
And I think you'll find other places where periods would fit nicely.

OTher than that, I really liked this piece. A lot of raw emotion, a great flow,
and this was very heartfelt.
I think my favorite line would have to be "Then exhale all of you" such harsh, poetic wording.
Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 11 days ago

Okay, I really like the idea of this.
A few things
- "Hopeing" should be "Hoping"
- "I am tying this on my phone" Should be "I am typing this on my phone"
- "At every club I drink like there's a secret message at the bottom of the bottle." Okay, this line just seemed completely and entirely offbeat to me. Maybe you missed a comma somewhere in it and with that comma it may make it match the flow better, but as it is, I really am not sure I understand the general idea of the sentence at all, you might want to make that a little more understandable.

Other than those few suggestions, I really liked this.
Excellent job,
God bles,
K

written 12 days ago

Okay, I like the additon. My inner editor noticed a few things though, feel free to ignore these suggestions, but here's what I noticed:

- "I looked over my shoudler and see John." You have a tense change in this sentence. Instead it would be either "I look over my shoulder and see John." Or "I looked over my shoudler and saw John." Considering that the rest of the story is in past tense, I would go with the latter option.

- It would be a lot easier to tell when he's thinking if you were to put his thoughts in italics.

- Okay, your first paragraph when their at school, gets a lot of information across...way too fast. Each sentence seems to start a different thought, meaning that you have a paragraph that basically consists only of paragraph starters, so you could just divide that up and expand on each thought.

- "Mrs. Lewis kept talking[,] though now I wasn't listening.

- After class I bumped into Tiffany[.] A girl I hooked-up with over the summer. I curse[d] under my breath. (Cursed instead of curse because that's another switch in tenses.)

- He stoppes and notices Tiffany[.] I can see a smile tugging at the corner of his lips"

- "No but you could try...I don't know[,] talking to them?" (What do you think? I think you can tell the character is hesitating a little by putting the dots inbetween Try and I.)

- "So i hear there's a new girl" I instead of i
- "yah" is spelled yeah.
- "I have to turn away" should be "I HAD to turn away."
- "Yeah you know Sadie[,] I think Alex is in love with her."
- "Oh Alex how could [you]" (missed word)
- "Want to go to Vagas" should be Vegas not Vagas. :)
- "When someone bumps me." "When someone BUMPED me"
- "Is john racing?" should be "Is John racing?" Names are always capitalized.
- "Well I guess [I]'ll see you at the race"
- "but ass he cares about is parting" I think you mean "But all he cares about is partying" The original line didn't make sense...and that's the closest I could get to translating it...tell me if I'm wrong...
- "Putting down his face GUARD" (spelling)
- "You scared me[,] I wanted to make sure you were okay."
- "Your such a boy" should be "You're such a boy"

That's all I spotted though, and after a brief polishing for grammar and typos, I think you really have a winner here. I love the story line, and would love to know what happens.

Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 12 days ago

Such a great, beautiful, inspiring poem.

I think all of us have been there at one point or another, all of us have felt average or not good enough. I really loved this poem, although the beginning of this poem seems to sympathize with the thoughts of dispair I love how at the end of the poem, you bring it all back to a positive outlook 'They were wrong all along" such a beautiful way to end such a dramatic saddening poem.

I loved everything about it, and I understand the feelings. I have a poem on this same subject. It's called Lost if you want to check it out, but of course you don't have to.

Back to your poem, I especially loved the line "She looks to be found" Although at first I thought it said "She longs to be found" (I can't see very well...) and I actually think that that might flow a bit better. Merely a suggestion though, if you don't like the idea forget I suggested it, either way this is a beautiful poem,
excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 12 days ago

Oohhh mmyyy goshh. Okay, so I strongly dislike stories, books, essays, poems, anything to do with homo anything...
so I'm obviously not going to lie and say that I love your story, but I'm also not going to lie and say that I hate it or that it's flawed or anything.

The truth is, I hate the subject... but I love the way you draw on the emotions, so much deep guilty secretive power there, so powerful and you can't help but keep reading. I really liked this, the way you allowed us to see into your characters deepest rawest personal thoughts.

Personally I'm against swearing, but I think you used it in modesty and it was actually helpful in getting the anger of your character across. Usually I would say that people who swear just say that because they have nothing better to say, but your paper wasn't entirely filled to the brim with foulness, and although I personally would prefer it if you didn't swear at all, but I see why it was put in there, and could tell it was used in modesty.

That being said I really liked this, the emotions and power....and talent...was overwhelming. I really loved how well we were able to feel her emotions so strongly...so intense.

Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 12 days ago

Okay, so I've read through chapter one, and just have some minor suggestions.
- "Stuff I needed and stuffing them in the backpack" this seemed a little off beat to me. "In the backpack" THE backpack? That makes me question whether or not it's his backpack....
- I agree with ElanorLawrence on the "Spell words with his grades" thing, it seems a bit confusing to the reader. What I get out of that is that his grades bounce around a little. Just say that instead.
- Your third paragraph is all one sentence. It's got great body, but you might want to reword it or break it down into more sentences.
- "She finally decided to shut up[,] and my face was in front of hers.

I also read through some of the comments, and I agree with the suggestions ElanorLawrence said.

Your beginning was a great start, I know some have expressed their opinion that you pick up too late in the story, but I don't think so, I believe you chose the perfect time to introduce us to your characters. My one suggestion, would be to maybe put the flashback into a different font or something, so that we can immediately pick up on the transition between past and present.
Other than that, I really like this story, I have to admit when I was told to read this story, I cringed a little inside...I don't really like zombies, but hey, atleast they aren't vampires. I really like what you're doing with this, it's very descriptive and from what I've read an enjoyable read.
You really have a way of describing feelings especially, "Mine turned into exploding icecubes" that line in particular seemed very creative and interesting to me.
I really like this, and can't wait to read more.
God bless,
K

written 17 days ago

Omg, I LOVED the repititon of All it is. The flow was original, and I really loved everything about it. And everything it made me think of...
This is a beautiful poem,
Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 17 days ago

"But I pay it no mind[.] [B]ecause"
"Like fire, but so much more." VERY powerful line.
"I want to burn just to know it's real" Okay, this line was intense. Seriously intense. It really spoke to me for some reason.
Beautiful writing...
Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 17 days ago

"And says something that they used to" This line seemed a bit forced to me. I don't know, but the flow here seemed different then the rest of the poem. Other than that, nothing to point out.

I really loved the concept you addressed here, I've played around with this concept before and I really agree with you. They don't understand. I liked the way you stated this, so simply, yet so intensely.

Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 17 days ago

Awe, this is beautiful.
So simple, short, sweet, AMAZING!
You packed a lot of emtion into a small piece, and I admire any author with the skill to do that.
Those three words really do mean the world to some of us.
Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 17 days ago

Okay wow, this was very cute.

Sweet, lighthearted, I love how intense her love for him was, how we get a visible image of him, but only a few hints of her personality. I liked how seemingly shallow this was, with that powerful sentence at the very end. "I love you."
Excellent job,
God bless,
K

written 17 days ago

"Surface bursts open, showing the fake inside"
I liked this line, something tells me that there's a deeper sense here then just bubble gum...
"I don't want to be another bubble gum surface I want to be me." Okay, this is great!

Alright, so the addition of commas and periods would make this more grammatically correct,
but other than that, I really like this poem, how deep it is, yet in a lighthearted sense.

Excellent job,
God bless,
K