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written 1 day ago
The message behind the words is priceless. The flow of the poem was lovely and altogether it was an ejoyable read. You have a real talent for poetry. Keep up the good work.
written 9 days ago
YEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!! I've been waiting for this! LOVE IT. Point blank period.
written 44 days ago
I wrote this up EONS ago and forgot about it. Yeah, I’m an idiot. Anyhow, I guess it’s better late than never right? Hahaha. I read this all in one sitting; I couldn't stop. Your story is interesting, and I was hooked. I think writing about superheroes isn't easy, because the market has been so monopolized by the likes of Marvel and DC. But for you to bring in a new hero, who seems like he just wants to be a kid, is great. I think what most people expect from superheroes is so generic, that with this book you have an opportunity to really surprise your readers. Supernova has a lot of potential. Having said all of that, looking critically at your writing, it does come off as rough. Right now your book reads like a first draft. The biggest areas that need work are: plot, character development, grammar, and sentence structure. I suggest you take a look at your dialogue too, although there was nothing seriously wrong with it, there is some room for improvement. Plot, is something that is beyond critical to any piece of literature. You can have a story or an idea, but if you don’t have a good plot you really don’t have crap. What you have going on in your book isn’t bad it’s just a little straightforward. Throw some twists and turns into the mix, but keep things relevant to your central plot. The story you have already in place in great! And honestly I wouldn’t change a thing, but I would add to it. With superheroes and villains the possibilities are endless! As much as I like your characters, sometimes they come off as a little flat and one-dimensional. Try and flesh them out a little more, really show the reader who these people are and why they function the way they do. Supernova/Leo is a very cool character and there is so much you can do with him because he does have that hero persona. Be creative with him and think outside of the box. With him, it might be difficult to come up with something original because of the whole, DC/Marvel world dominance. But you’ve already created something original, so I have no trouble believing you’ll do it again. The mother/daughter relationship in the story has the potential to be a real plot mover, and if you work it right could be a really great element to the story. Perhaps you could enlighten the readers as to why the mother is the way she is; what happened, why she treats her daughter the way she does, was there something in her past to make her act this way, or is she really a villain in disguise? Just play with it. The romance . . . I don’t mind it, though really I’m not a romance fan. I would like to see it develop more, because it felt kind of rushed. It was like bing, bang, boom we’re in love. I’d like to see some sort of a build up to it. One last thing, Riley and Leo are starting to remind me of a certain vampire/human couple, just be mindful of that. The whole, “I can’t live without you” dynamic is very romantic, but can come off as cliché. As far as Riley goes, I really like her and she's a great character. I'd just like to see more to her. Grammar and sentence structure aren’t something that I can really give any form of advice or crit on. So basically, just be careful, go through spell checks more than once, read your work out loud, and if need be have someone take a second look at it for you too. Sentence structure is something I think you’ll get the hang of the more you write. A few times there were run-ons, short choppy sentences, and some sentences just read as awkward. But that happens to everyone, so don't dwell on that too much. Okay, so very last thing; dialogue. It’s great, you’ve done really well with it so far, but sometimes it doesn’t sound natural. Again, with time and more writing, you’ll smooth out whatever kinks you have. I feel like there were points in the story where the dialogue seemed a little forced. From what you've shown up and who you've lead the characters up to be, some of the things they said sounded weird coming from them. It's like hearing my Grandma say "wassup yo". Weird right? Also, dialogue is a great tool that can be used to show what’s going on, let readers get to know the characters, add more to your characters, and even become a plot device. I wish you all the best and I’m very excited to see what else you will write! You’re doing a great job!Cheers!-sila
written 47 days ago
Very well done story, it's a little rough right now, but there is a massive mount of potential. The core idea is great and I can't wait to see further development. Your writing style is nice and you do lend a personal voice to the narrator that I really like. The descriptions you use are beautiful, but you did a lot more of "telling" the reader, rather than "showing". That's something I think all writers struggle with, and fixing it really just come from writing even more. Much of the things I noticed, like the minor anachronisms and the dream scene, were already mentioned by C.D Verhoff, so I won't repeat them. But I do agree that the dream scene would be better placed a little later in your book; not that I didn't love it! Aside from some minor grammatical errors (run on sentences mostly), you have a very good piece on your hands. I'll be adding this to my picks list, and I look forward to an update! Please notify when you do update!Cheers!-sila
written 49 days ago
Very intriguing plot. I think elementals are very cool, and the vibe your pitch sets off is great. I've added this to my watch list. =)-sila
written 50 days ago
Fascinating argument. I won't say whether or not I agree with it, but I will say that Batman is my favorite super hero. And if you really want to look at an all American super hero what about Captain America? I have always believed that Superman was more of the embodiment of the classic hero; super strength, super speed, flight, cape, etc. Also, please note that Superman's costume does not contain the American colors of red/white/blue. Rather, it is comprised of mainly blue and red, with elements of yellow. Oh and something you might want think of, as it sort of . . . helps your argument, is that Batman is the persona and Bruce Wayne is man behind the mask. When we take a look at Superman what we see is who he really is. Clark Kent isn't a mild mannered journalist who turns into Superman. No, it's the other way around; Clark Kent is the persona. And if you want to dig a little deeper, you might start thinking, well then, is Clark Kent how Superman sees humans? Is that what he thinks of us? You could argue all of this as "un-American", if you were so inclined. But as I said, I'm neither against nor for your argument. Compelling as it is. Anyways, I thought what you wrote was interesting. Thumbs up for a neat essay. Cheers!-sila
written 63 days ago
Finally finished reading it and I'm very excited for you to add more to this! Will be adding to my picks. =)
written 65 days ago
Intresting. I read the first chapter and I like it so far. From your short pitch and the thread you started in the forums, I'm guessing Sirens? I'm probably totally off base. Anyways, I'm definitely coming back to this after dinner. =)-sila
written 68 days ago
Love, love, love what you here. It's fun, well paced, and well written. Definitely adding to my picks! I will be giving you a fuller crit once I finish reading the last couple chapters you have posted. Keep up the great work!Cheers!-sila
Great storyline. I think it's a nice twist on typical "super human" stories. I haven't read the entire book yet, but I'm working my way through. I'll be giving you a full crit once I finish. But I just wanted to let you know that I really like what you have done so far and that I'm adding it to my picks. My one crit right now is that you need to work on pacing and try not to pile on the dialogue so heavily. It's great to hear the characters, but I think your story would benefit from a mildly slower pace as well as more descriptions on everything. You have a lot of potential with this story, it's just a little rough around the edges. Keep up the good work!Cheers!-sila
written 73 days ago
I really enjoyed this book. It's funny, witty, quirky, and very well executed. The writing is amazing and the voice you lend to Lilly fleshes her out so nicely. As someone who isn't big on chick lit, I was really impressed with piece and fell in love with the story. I'm so excited for the next update! Please let me know when you do =)Cheers!-sila
It's been awhile since I checked back on chp 4 but I'm pretty sure it got updated, hahaha. I think you're developing your characters really nicely, and I'm glad that we got to see Marco a little more. He's still a bit of an enigma, but that's something I really like about him. Can't wait for the next update. Hopefully we'll see Nadine get her ass handed to her on a silver platter in the near future. ;D-sila
written 77 days ago
I loved this poem. The inensity and complex emotions were woven together so well. The thoughts of "painted exteriors" and "reconciling the truth with the lies" was great. I got a feeling of inner turmoil and wanting to break free, but being afraid to and not knowing how to cope. This poem is a fabulous display of your skill. Good work. -sila
Just finished reading the content you updated in chapter three and all of chapter four. I really like what you have going on here; your characters are original and developing well, the story is creative, and the writing is good. But please be mindful of "information dumping". I'd love see you SHOW rather than TELL the reader what is going on. In chapter four I noticed that you did a lot of that. Also, I was just wondering, but is Sasha talking to the reader or are we supposed to be "seeing through her eyes"? I ask because at some points it seems like she is talking directly to us. There's an extraordinary amount of potential here and I'm really amped for the next chapter. And, I seriously want Sasha to kick that one bitch's ass. Really and truly I do. She's a hoe and she needs to get her ass beat. Great job though, you held my attention with the fight scene and I enjoyed the descriptions. Cheers!-sila
Deliciously grotesque. The imagery, wording, and flow of the poem were all excellent. The emotions your poem brings out are terrifying and savage; I mean that in a good way.Perhaps my only critique is the usage of the word "shit". I don't mind cussing, seeing as how I have the mouth of a Somali Pirate, but it felt out of place. It felt too casual for the emotion and tone you had established earlier on in the poem. Aside from that it was fantastic.
written 80 days ago
I believe at one point I said your poem sucked. Man, I hate it when I'm wrong. It's beautifully written. Simple and straight to the point. I guess less really is more. No flowery business, it didn't feel fake or forced, it was just true. I think someone already said this would make a great slam poem, and they aren't wrong. Try performing this for someone and bam, you'll them eating out of the palm of your hand.
Finished chapter three and I'm eager for more. I'm so hooked on the stoy and I love the character dynamics. Can't wait to see where the story takes up. Great work!-sila
Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!! I'm so excited about reading this. Magic was so phenomenal that I can't even begin to imagine how good this sequel is going to be. I just finished chapter one and already I'm sucked back in just like in Magic. Excellent work!!!
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