written 18 days ago

Just finished chapter three and as of right now, me and your book are "In Like". Not "Love". "Like". But I have no doubt that by chapter nine I'm going to be head over heels. The only reason that I'm not "In Love" yet, is that I haven't been sufficiently sucked into the story; I have the attention span of a squirrel so it takes a bit to get me thoroughly sucked in.

Anyways, I'll probably give you a more detailed crit once I finish this. So far this is really good.

PICKED!


Cheers!

Sila

written 18 days ago

So far, so awesome! I haven't been interested in a vampire book in a while, but this one caught my attention and managed to hold it. I'm really liking Lilith and I love her name. (I've got a couple characters named Lilith too.) I'm up to chapter 4 right now, and when I'm done I'll give you a better crit. Oh and I'm adding this to my picks!

Sila

written 116 days ago

Your poems are fun to read and I really enjoyed each and every one of them. Here is what I thought of them individually:


False Idols
I really liked this one, and thought it held great emotions. My one nit is that perhaps the first line should read:
"Rain never ceases and a pained heart follows suit"
OR
"Rain never ceases and pained hearts follow suit"

Remembrances
I started thinking of one night stands and that bitterness of waking up alone after a night of being in someone's company. Not sure if that's what you were aiming for though.

Reflecting
Those last three lines were very dynamic and visual. Stunning.

Blinded
I wasn't really able to follow the ideas behind this one. Kinda started thinking of mental health hospitals.

Water Colors
Was there a reason why you titled it "Water Colors" instead of "Watercolors"? Either way, I really enjoyed this one. It made me think of relationships between people of two different skin tones, coming together and letting their coloring just "drip".

Faith
I get what you're trying to write about here, or at least I think I do. Not a fan of the last line though. Perhaps you could use some other word that isn't "sweaty"?

Immortality
Very nice. For some reason what I really liked about this poem was the opening of crashing waves.

Swan Dive
Very abstract, and I don't feel like there is enough content for me to grasp onto what it is you want me as the reader to feel and see and understand.

Voted Fates
This one made me think of a digital painting someone did, of two catholic school girls having a knife fight.

Paper Pixies
Love the line: "oxygen thin wings". It just paints such an ethereal image.

Midnight Eyes
I read this one a few times, but still wasn't sure what it was you're writing about. From the title I'd think eyes, but then again, I'm not sure.

First Kiss
Sweet, simple, short, and it resonates well with me as a reader.

Love-Silence
Nice, but the last three lines feel awkward and left me a little confused. Perhaps a little rewording is needed?

Night Shades
This poem gave me a nice mental image of dark and light, and black against stark white. Lovely.

written 117 days ago

I'm up to chapter 7 and I'm so hooked. Just wait till I'm caught up and I start stalking you for updates. Anyways, I picked it now, and will comment on it later. After I get some sleep and breakfast, I should be coherent enough to actually switch my brain to crit mode. But, "Obsidian" is just too damn good to not be on my picks right now.

Oh, but for now the one thing I would like to say, is that I'm not a fan of your font and find that it detracts and distracts from your story a smidge.


Cheers!

Sila

written 120 days ago

I remember reading this the last time it was posted on inkpop, with your other account. It was just as fun to read then as it is now. Will be adding to picks. =)

written 164 days ago

Now, I truly wanted to enjoy your book and become immersed in the adventure. However, I found it difficult to engage the way I normally would with any other story. This was mainly because your style of writing was distracting and the genre isn’t what I am generally interested in. Despite that, your creativity is admirable and you have made a very unique world for your characters. I admire the conviction for and championing of your book. You believe in your story, your characters, and their world; as a writer I wish I had the same incredible confidence. I like that “Kevin” shares that same strength and sense of conviction.

Speaking of your hero, I’d like to ask, why the name “Kevin”? Is it that you are trying to insert yourself into the story? Self insertion is what we writers do; we take pieces of ourselves and weave them into what we write. However, in my opinion there is a point where self insertion just comes off as a rookie move. The name, while fine for any modern day novel, is rather out of place in this book and feels very anachronistic. Your other characters have deliciously creative names, but that creativity seems to fall short where “Kevin’s” name is concerned. I mean you have “Vordrogan”, “Launa”, “Eternia”, and . . . “Kevin”? Unless you can provide some deeper meaning for having a modern name in a medieval fantasy setting, I would suggest renaming your hero.

Much of your book “tells” the reader what is happening, rather than “showing” us. This leaves no room for the reader to infer or imagine. It is simply all there; like reading a script or a screenplay. Have some faith in your reader’s abilities, and allow them to deduce situations where it is allowed. It’s not particularly entertaining to be told everything that is going on, rather than being able to see it in your mind’s eye. I believe at one point you mentioned that you think “telling” is easier for younger readers to grasp, which is a fair enough of a conclusion to make. However, that leads me to believe that you feel “showing” hampers their capabilities to understand a story. Which then leads me to wonder, how can you begin to assume that your usage of extravagant and flowery prose will not do the same? If your target audience is a very young crowd, perhaps you should strive to better balance your purple prose and your use of “telling”.

I found your excessive use of purple prose to be distracting, overwhelming, and sometimes unnecessary. Why say something in ten words, what can be said in five? Sometimes, less really is more. In some instances of description you certainly succeed with it, however there are points where it seems awkward. For example, when we first meet Launa we are told her “figure was a world at peace”. To be honest I’m not sure what to make of that. You mention her “figure” and the “world” in the same sentence, which makes me, wonder what she looks like. Is she fat? Worlds are large, so is she large too? I suggest going back and tailoring some of your more over the top descriptions.

As far as your characters are concerned I really liked all of them and appreciated what each brought to the story. My only concern is that at times they seem a little one dimensional. Play more into their flaws and unique personalities; by doing this you’ll make it easier for reader to really connect with both them and your story. I think that adding some more depth to the romance between Launa and Kevin would do a world of good for their development. Oh, I’d like to say that I really enjoyed learning how their romance came into being; very nice. Right now they seem to be in that utter infatuation stage, so maybe you could progress through that a little more.

Your dialogue seems to fluctuate between two types: medieval and modern. I’m swaying towards suggesting that you just pick one and stick to it. Most of the time the blending of the two comes off as awkward, such as when Kevin uses the term “mom”; it’s so anachronistic and jarring to hear coming from his mouth. Also the term “ok” seems odd in the time period you have set up. If you are determined to keep that mix, which I’m sure you are, maybe you can just cut out the slang words.

This awkwardness is also true for certain aspects of “Eternium” as a whole. There are passages that make me believe I am reading a medieval fantasy with knights and princesses. Sentences later, however, I am reading about Kevin showering, brushing his teeth, and putting on pajamas. These are two separate worlds and you seem to be trying to make them fit together. In the end though, they feel rather disjointed. Try working them together in a more cohesive manner; there’s a balance, you just have to find it. Because the current imbalance makes the reader question the time period and what Kevin’s world is really like. Just a bit of tweaking can wash those questions away.

I think the one thing that grated with me the most, and this is going to sound like a total nitpick, was the food. I know, it’s ridiculous of me to even bring it up . . . but my inner foodie is just screaming for me to comment on it. You have such a lush world that is entirely your own, that can be molded into something different from anything else. But you have your hero snacking on sugar cookies and guava juice, and having eggs sunny side up for breakfast? I think the real reason this bothered me was because when I am introduced to a new world, I like learning about its finer details. It is those details that really allow the reader to become fully engrossed and understand the world you are transporting them to. You have such a creative mind that I’m positive you’d have no trouble with small things like that. I believe that you said you are attempting to create a world that melds the modern and the fantastic together, in the same way J.K Rowling has. Well one of the neat things that Rowling did was to integrate small details unique to her take on the wizarding world; such as pumpkin juice and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. Maybe you should try to do the same.

And that concludes my rather long critique; my apologies for its lengthiness and slight “rantiness”. I hope you didn't take anything of what I said as a personal attack on you or your book. I know that I can be harsh without fully realizing it. So, let me end with saying: You are not, by any means, a bad writer, but I believe that you need to develop and hone your skills. You have talent and you certainly have the potential to write a great novel. I have no doubts that one day you will be published and when that does happen, you can be sure I’ll have a copy of your book on my shelf. I wish you the best of luck with your future endeavors!

Cheers!

-sila

written 220 days ago

I wrote this up EONS ago and forgot about it. Yeah, I’m an idiot. Anyhow, I guess it’s better late than never right? Hahaha.

I read this all in one sitting; I couldn't stop. Your story is interesting, and I was hooked. I think writing about superheroes isn't easy, because the market has been so monopolized by the likes of Marvel and DC. But for you to bring in a new hero, who seems like he just wants to be a kid, is great. I think what most people expect from superheroes is so generic, that with this book you have an opportunity to really surprise your readers. Supernova has a lot of potential. Having said all of that, looking critically at your writing, it does come off as rough. Right now your book reads like a first draft. The biggest areas that need work are: plot, character development, grammar, and sentence structure. I suggest you take a look at your dialogue too, although there was nothing seriously wrong with it, there is some room for improvement.

Plot, is something that is beyond critical to any piece of literature. You can have a story or an idea, but if you don’t have a good plot you really don’t have crap. What you have going on in your book isn’t bad it’s just a little straightforward. Throw some twists and turns into the mix, but keep things relevant to your central plot. The story you have already in place in great! And honestly I wouldn’t change a thing, but I would add to it. With superheroes and villains the possibilities are endless!

As much as I like your characters, sometimes they come off as a little flat and one-dimensional. Try and flesh them out a little more, really show the reader who these people are and why they function the way they do. Supernova/Leo is a very cool character and there is so much you can do with him because he does have that hero persona. Be creative with him and think outside of the box. With him, it might be difficult to come up with something original because of the whole, DC/Marvel world dominance. But you’ve already created something original, so I have no trouble believing you’ll do it again. The mother/daughter relationship in the story has the potential to be a real plot mover, and if you work it right could be a really great element to the story. Perhaps you could enlighten the readers as to why the mother is the way she is; what happened, why she treats her daughter the way she does, was there something in her past to make her act this way, or is she really a villain in disguise? Just play with it. The romance . . . I don’t mind it, though really I’m not a romance fan. I would like to see it develop more, because it felt kind of rushed. It was like bing, bang, boom we’re in love. I’d like to see some sort of a build up to it. One last thing, Riley and Leo are starting to remind me of a certain vampire/human couple, just be mindful of that. The whole, “I can’t live without you” dynamic is very romantic, but can come off as cliché. As far as Riley goes, I really like her and she's a great character. I'd just like to see more to her.

Grammar and sentence structure aren’t something that I can really give any form of advice or crit on. So basically, just be careful, go through spell checks more than once, read your work out loud, and if need be have someone take a second look at it for you too. Sentence structure is something I think you’ll get the hang of the more you write. A few times there were run-ons, short choppy sentences, and some sentences just read as awkward. But that happens to everyone, so don't dwell on that too much. Okay, so very last thing; dialogue. It’s great, you’ve done really well with it so far, but sometimes it doesn’t sound natural. Again, with time and more writing, you’ll smooth out whatever kinks you have. I feel like there were points in the story where the dialogue seemed a little forced. From what you've shown up and who you've lead the characters up to be, some of the things they said sounded weird coming from them. It's like hearing my Grandma say "wassup yo". Weird right? Also, dialogue is a great tool that can be used to show what’s going on, let readers get to know the characters, add more to your characters, and even become a plot device.

I wish you all the best and I’m very excited to see what else you will write! You’re doing a great job!

Cheers!

-sila

written 223 days ago

Very well done story, it's a little rough right now, but there is a massive mount of potential. The core idea is great and I can't wait to see further development. Your writing style is nice and you do lend a personal voice to the narrator that I really like. The descriptions you use are beautiful, but you did a lot more of "telling" the reader, rather than "showing". That's something I think all writers struggle with, and fixing it really just come from writing even more. Much of the things I noticed, like the minor anachronisms and the dream scene, were already mentioned by C.D Verhoff, so I won't repeat them. But I do agree that the dream scene would be better placed a little later in your book; not that I didn't love it! Aside from some minor grammatical errors (run on sentences mostly), you have a very good piece on your hands.

I'll be adding this to my picks list, and I look forward to an update! Please notify when you do update!

Cheers!

-sila

written 226 days ago

Fascinating argument. I won't say whether or not I agree with it, but I will say that Batman is my favorite super hero. And if you really want to look at an all American super hero what about Captain America? I have always believed that Superman was more of the embodiment of the classic hero; super strength, super speed, flight, cape, etc. Also, please note that Superman's costume does not contain the American colors of red/white/blue. Rather, it is comprised of mainly blue and red, with elements of yellow.

Oh and something you might want think of, as it sort of . . . helps your argument, is that Batman is the persona and Bruce Wayne is man behind the mask. When we take a look at Superman what we see is who he really is. Clark Kent isn't a mild mannered journalist who turns into Superman. No, it's the other way around; Clark Kent is the persona. And if you want to dig a little deeper, you might start thinking, well then, is Clark Kent how Superman sees humans? Is that what he thinks of us? You could argue all of this as "un-American", if you were so inclined. But as I said, I'm neither against nor for your argument. Compelling as it is.

Anyways, I thought what you wrote was interesting. Thumbs up for a neat essay.

Cheers!

-sila

written 244 days ago

Love, love, love what you here. It's fun, well paced, and well written. Definitely adding to my picks! I will be giving you a fuller crit once I finish reading the last couple chapters you have posted. Keep up the great work!

Cheers!

-sila

written 244 days ago

Great storyline. I think it's a nice twist on typical "super human" stories. I haven't read the entire book yet, but I'm working my way through. I'll be giving you a full crit once I finish. But I just wanted to let you know that I really like what you have done so far and that I'm adding it to my picks. My one crit right now is that you need to work on pacing and try not to pile on the dialogue so heavily. It's great to hear the characters, but I think your story would benefit from a mildly slower pace as well as more descriptions on everything. You have a lot of potential with this story, it's just a little rough around the edges. Keep up the good work!

Cheers!

-sila

written 249 days ago

I really enjoyed this book. It's funny, witty, quirky, and very well executed. The writing is amazing and the voice you lend to Lilly fleshes her out so nicely. As someone who isn't big on chick lit, I was really impressed with piece and fell in love with the story. I'm so excited for the next update! Please let me know when you do =)

Cheers!

-sila

written 249 days ago

It's been awhile since I checked back on chp 4 but I'm pretty sure it got updated, hahaha. I think you're developing your characters really nicely, and I'm glad that we got to see Marco a little more. He's still a bit of an enigma, but that's something I really like about him.

Can't wait for the next update. Hopefully we'll see Nadine get her ass handed to her on a silver platter in the near future. ;D

-sila

written 253 days ago

I loved this poem. The inensity and complex emotions were woven together so well. The thoughts of "painted exteriors" and "reconciling the truth with the lies" was great. I got a feeling of inner turmoil and wanting to break free, but being afraid to and not knowing how to cope. This poem is a fabulous display of your skill. Good work.

-sila

written 253 days ago

Just finished reading the content you updated in chapter three and all of chapter four. I really like what you have going on here; your characters are original and developing well, the story is creative, and the writing is good. But please be mindful of "information dumping". I'd love see you SHOW rather than TELL the reader what is going on. In chapter four I noticed that you did a lot of that. Also, I was just wondering, but is Sasha talking to the reader or are we supposed to be "seeing through her eyes"? I ask because at some points it seems like she is talking directly to us.

There's an extraordinary amount of potential here and I'm really amped for the next chapter. And, I seriously want Sasha to kick that one bitch's ass. Really and truly I do. She's a hoe and she needs to get her ass beat. Great job though, you held my attention with the fight scene and I enjoyed the descriptions.

Cheers!

-sila

written 253 days ago

Deliciously grotesque. The imagery, wording, and flow of the poem were all excellent. The emotions your poem brings out are terrifying and savage; I mean that in a good way.

Perhaps my only critique is the usage of the word "shit". I don't mind cussing, seeing as how I have the mouth of a Somali Pirate, but it felt out of place. It felt too casual for the emotion and tone you had established earlier on in the poem. Aside from that it was fantastic.

written 256 days ago

I believe at one point I said your poem sucked. Man, I hate it when I'm wrong. It's beautifully written. Simple and straight to the point. I guess less really is more. No flowery business, it didn't feel fake or forced, it was just true. I think someone already said this would make a great slam poem, and they aren't wrong. Try performing this for someone and bam, you'll them eating out of the palm of your hand.

written 256 days ago

Finished chapter three and I'm eager for more. I'm so hooked on the stoy and I love the character dynamics. Can't wait to see where the story takes up. Great work!

-sila

written 257 days ago

Let me begin by first saying what a great job you have done and congratulations on being such a success here on inkpop. Admittedly, though I am a hopeless romantic, I had never got into chick-lit and romance novels, even here on inkpop I don’t go out in search of a romance. I found them boorish, sappy, and annoying. So you can’t imagine how pleasantly surprised I was by your book. Not that I came to it with low expectations, I just didn’t know what to think because I knew it was romance. However, I can honestly say that what I have read so far, which is something like 9 chapters, was really enjoyable.

Your plot is well laid out and it is clear that you know how things should be best played out. The reader can easily follow what is happening without feeling like they know the next move. I would caution you against following too strict of a pattern though, lest you delve into predictability. Romances usually turn out the same way, and even then just when a writer thinks they have something new, bam it’s not new. It’s just rehashed. You’ve been pretty original so far, and I’d like to see you continue with that.

I’d like for you to also be careful of sounding too much like Meg Cabot and her “Princess Diaries” series. I read the first “Princess Diaries” and then chucked it. Mind you I was in middle school, so some of it is a bit hazy; however a lot of Cabot’s style resonates with yours. Just be wary that you don’t fall too close to what she does and end up sounding like a copycat.

The last thing I’d like to mention is your characters. I like Maria and I like Daniel; hell, I like them all. You developed them well, but I’d like to see some more depth. Right now I feel simple. Which is a pity because I know you could do so much more with them. Add some complexity to who they are, why they are the way they are, and what drives them to do what they do. Your characters have been thrust into a rather difficult ordeal, so that is something you can definitely play on. Don’t let them slip into a form fitting mold. What can often happen is that royalty in love end up sounding shallow and dismal. As of yet, you haven't reached that point. And for the love of god please steer clear of shallow characters at all costs. In short, I'm not saying that you should change who they are, because I like them already, just add to them and help them grow.

I believe that you have great potential as a writer. “The Bride and Her Prince”, whether it be a mere stepping stone or your first published bestseller, is great start to being a writer. I look forward to what else you will offer us readers and I will definitely be following the progression of this book.

Cheers!

-sila

written 258 days ago

Good work. I like the story and I'm really interested to see where you take this. So far I'm in the middle of chapter two, but I think this is definitely worth a pick. As soon as I finish, I'll be sure to give you a more indepth critique. For now I just wanted to let you know what you've made an excellent start. =)

Oh, my one complaint right now is the font. Anyway you could change it? A thinner font, something like Calibri, Verdana, Tahoma, or even Ariel would be a lot easier on the eyes.

-sila