mscheponik wrote 13 days ago

I'm just going to make a list of things that are awesome/things that I love about this story. And you will like it, missy. And believe me when I say that it's good. Because I'm tired of yelling at you to believe me. I'm just going to start throwing out Shawn Spencer "Don't be..." lines at you from now on when you don't listen. :D Anyway! All of that aside, this is me, finally commenting on this like I said I would because Regina reminded me that I didn't yet (speaking of, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME TO COMMENT ON THIS FOR REAL. Goodness.) Okay, commenting now.

1. That cover. For one, I am blind and the first time you showed it to me, I just thought it looked cool and fit the story. AND THEN, I noticed the face in it and that made even MORE sense for a cover for this. Totally befitting. I'm just going to lump my comment on the Preface onto this number, too, to save on space and such. Love that you added it into here. It serves its purpose without being some annoying, useless prologue that tells me a whole bunch of nothing I need to know. It hints at the paranormal side of the story and catches interest, and the fact that it's set up like a riddle is just freaking awesome. There's something about a well-written riddle that just catches my attention. Mostly because I like figuring things out, which is one of the reasons why I love this story so much. All of it is a bit of a mystery that Dianna has to keep solving, and I love being able to work it out with all the foreshadowing and cliffhangers you leave.

2.The thoughts, woes, reflections, sarcastic comments, ramblings, and asides of Dianna's narration. Absolutely love them - all of them. Like I've told you probably around 50 times, I love her as a protagonist. I love how she's so bored she's contemplating ways to off herself and thinking about who made argyle. And I loved the description of the sunset and how everything has to come to an end. (It hints at the end of this chapter, which is UNBELIEVABLY heartbreaking now that I realize it on a second read through this.) Anyway, I love that Dianna never sugarcoats anything; she's honest and whatever she thinks, we get to read. It makes it all the more real and her character all the more sympathetic and likable.

3. Dianna's friendship with Sam and her friendship/almost something more with Alex. I love that she and Sam have such a strong friendship and they don't try to compete against each other like a lot of girl friends in stories - the way they have a scheme to talk to cute boys who come into work is just genius and hilarious - and their conversation in chapter two is so heartbreaking and emotional. I love that they're there for each other, able to talk about what happened and Sam is there to comfort her through it all, even if she doesn't know what to say. But at the same time, they can be ridiculous and just have fun. It's a like a real friendship that anyone actually has in real life. And all the scenes with Alex. I love the banter between them in the first chapter, and how there's that sense of something more between them but they don't want to act on it either because they don't realize it or don't want to muck up their friendship. I love the scene between them in chapter 2 when they're running and then he just says she's not alone and wants her to know that. And when she just goes to his house after her mom says they're moving. That's such a sweet scene. Then, later with Alex's message to Dianna and how she's conflicted with her feelings for him and their friendship, especially now that there is a physical distance between them. And I know I didn't say this in the first part of this paragraph, but I like how you craft Dianna's relationship with her mom, and how Dianna ends up willing to move because she knows her mom is hurting, too, and is willing to sacrifice her own happiness to make things easier on her mom, even though at first she hates Cavanaugh for convincing Dianna's mom to move.

4. Your descriptions. Of the house, of Dianna's feelings and emotions, of the forest, of everything in this story. Like the dream at the beginning of ch.6? So ethreal and pretty the way you wrote it. I've pointed out countless examples to you when I first read this on WA, and those all still stand. That's it for this, no big ramble. Just straightforward for once in my life. :D

5. Alistair Gilmore. (You cannot tell me you did not see this one coming the minute I said I was going to compile a list of my favorite things about this story. Besides, I'm the reason he ends up a main character. Me and my persistence that his awesomeness be sprinkled throughout the story to compliment Dianna's awesomeness. I take total pride in that fact. :D) He had me sold at: "But I never claimed to be a prince." He smiled at me and draped an arm over my shoulders. "I'm more the rebel with a cause, an adorable badass if you will." And not to mention all his adorable/sometimes awkward mannerisms like this: 'He held up his hand for a high five which I looked at for longer than necessary. I didn't return the celebratory gesture and when he saw I wasn't going to Alistair awkwardly lowered his hand to his side, where it slid effortlessly into his pocket.' I love him, and I am happy that you created him and put him in this story, and obliged my insistence that he be in more scenes. That's all. <3

That's as far as the list goes through the first 6 chapters, since I don't want to spoil anything for people who aren't me and only have gotten to read through ch.6. (Which is shame because I can't even ramble about Oakley now. D:) ANYWAY. I love this, and I want you to love this, and I am forumlating plans to make this a promo thread. And I will bump that thread with every Psych gif I have if I have to. <3

LilyJane wrote 24 days ago

Oh my God. There's a face in the cover! I just realised that. Clever. Very Clever.
The little poem has beautiful imagery. I really liked it because it was simple but very beautiful.
I was quite disappointed. I thought this type of writing would have been better if it were written in third person. However, that may just be me being biased.
But, what I like is the tone of the character's voice. She seems interesting. I really liked the way you have delivered her.
"Manufactured...horrors." Beautiful line.
I get that you're desribing the shop but a further explanation of the word 'argyle' would benefit the story. Some of your lines seemed too long and could be cut down. You also need to watch out for run-on sentences which are two ideas in a sentence. Here are a few corrections. I'm sure you can tell them apart. Most of them just needed commas, sentence breaks and a few punctuation errors here and there, for example: a question mark after a question. Can't exactly find it from the story but I'm sure you know what I mean.

"It wasn't worth it [.] "
"If I was going to die [,]"

What you need to be commended on is your emotion. It's very well expressed. I think a lot of people can really relate to this..

I think preistie may have covered what I was going to say; so until I can find something different, I'll keep on reading. Keep up the great work.
--
LILY♥

preistie wrote 24 days ago

The immediate insight into her mind is refreshing. You don’t info dump on your readers, because you don’t have to! Since readers are thrown immediately into the story from her point-of-view, we discover the type of person she is. You do a great job at giving your MC her own voice and character style right from the get go.

The interaction/relationship between Alex and the MC is superb. I say that primarily because their friendship doesn’t seemed forced. They seem laid back, as actual friends would be. Their bond is a solid one and you describe it wonderfully.
“It was just a sign that I was hiding and no one cared enough to find me.” This line. Wow. This is just a powerful line, one that I’m sure all readers can understand.

I would like a friend like Sam; wouldn’t we all? Someone who is there for you no matter what and doesn’t push you to open up about anything, but just waits until you are ready to share.

Knowing how her dad died makes the pain seem more real. He didn’t die of old age or an accident in the kitchen. No, it was murder – plain and simple. How you reveal that makes it hit readers in a way that it sinks in but it doesn’t come out of place in the flow of the stories.

I feel like a doof, being on the third chapter and hardly having anything to write. I guess that’s a good thing, in my case? I’m just so caught up with this story and how _real_ everything is. I can feel her pain, her joy, her loneliness and anguish as if it were my own, as if it were me in the story. Everything seems so natural, nothing forced or fake. I adore your writing style. It (obviously) sucks in the reader without having to keep the pace fast or action packed.

For my own emotional benefit I need to stop at Chapter 4, but by golly I will be back.

preistie wrote 26 days ago

I'm on the same page as mscheponik. I'm only on InkPop Chapter Two, but I will be back to read the rest and to explain all of my thoughts on your story.

mscheponik wrote 27 days ago

I love this story. And I will leave a giant rambling comment on it when I have time to reread it all and go on one of my mind tangents about how much I like it. :) <3

ily:) wrote 89 days ago

Three simple words
This story was inspiring. I like how this can actually happen, but your in the middle trying to figure out how true this can be. The story was perfect on it's own because it was just the right amount for itself and was well written. I was wondering the craziest things that could have been the three words. It's good how on the end, I didn't expect those words but they were just the right ones.
Great job, your a good writer!
-Ashley[:

hawksfreak19 wrote 90 days ago

wow
this is really good
it has a good story line
it stays on topic
and it goes into extensive detail
i truly loved this

cyc wrote 107 days ago

Do all your stories have sad elements? :(
It’s sad to see her realize that she’s not herself, that she has given all of herself to her boyfriend. He’s the one who’s living life while she’s living it for him.

It’s nice to see her in the end realizing that she needs to find herself first.

Corrections:
Shawn didn’t let me stay close[.] [He] pried my finger [open]…
{This sentence confused me}: I had chosen that course at, I had to suck it up and deal.
Shawn liked to think[,] and I liked to listen…
I let Shawn talk until we reached [our] favourite dining hall[.]
Shawn took a quick look at [my] work[.]
“[something] that would look perfect…
I was spared having to explain my obvious statement[.]
Shawn mumbled into my hair as we [lay] on the floor…
…and kneeled on the floor[.] I’m pretty sure…
“What’s wrong[,] Jenna[?] [You] look sad,” Shawn observed…

cyc wrote 108 days ago

It was so sad when Brea didn’t get to say “I love you” to him before he died. She kept doing reckless things and running from her past to forget the pain and him. I like how she was given the opportunity to see the ghost of him, to talk to him, to say “I love you.” It’s the closure she needed. Awesome job :)

Corrections:
“I’m so sorry[,] Brea. He meant a lot t you, didn’t he?”
“Brea, don’t do it[.]”
“Fine, but you can’t run forever[.]” Bristol turned her back…
“Yeah, what’s up[,] Brea?”
I kept walking not bothering to mark the way I came[;] I had not intention…
“Oh I know[,] Breanne, I know.”
“Are you going to stop this foolishness[,] Breanne?”
“…I know you’re not who I think you are[.]”
“I watched them [bury] you.”
“…I always did hate telling you that you were wrong[.]”
“Believe what you like, but this is happening[.]”
He took a step toward me and laid his transparent hand on my cheek[.] I could still…
“I love you[,] Brea, with all my heart.”
“That was my decision[,] Brea…
“You are a survivor[,] Brea…
“[Then] stop trying to kill yourself please and thank you.”
[My] question was skeptical[.] I was pretty sure…
“You’ll get it one day[,] Breanne…
“I love you,” I whispered[.]

MidnightShadow wrote 119 days ago

i. LOVE. THIS.!!! it was so adorable and...I DONT EVEN KNO WAT ELSE TO SAY!! i loved this!!!

bEEMSi wrote 141 days ago

This was such a good read(: I'm sorry it took me a while but wow. I can't believe Shawn would just call Jenna just his girlfriend after sort of purposing to her the day before.... that makes no sense. I loved the character Jenna, but she lacks loving herself. I agree with that. I legit thought Shawn died at the end, or at least at one moment i thought so because when i read; "Shawn didn't budge as I rubbed my hand over his back..." then i got scared lol xD But yeah. Over al it was great(:

***Here are some corrections:
This sentence sounded odd and very long; "It didn't matter that I really didn't like Jane Austen or the Bronte sisters, I had that course at, I had to suck it up and deal." I think you meant to say: "It didn't matter that I really didn't like Jane Austen or the Bronte sisters, I had chosen that course. I just had to suck it up and deal with it."
"...but he talked as if he lived [in] a [different] century.
"...most important things in the universe[.] The ideas he...."
"...my ring finger[.] "Some[thing] that would look perfect...."
Also the last sentence sounds really off?; "But I needed o find the self I needed to love first." If you read it out loud it sounds weird. Try something like "But I needed to find myself to love first." You don't have to go with that, but it's just a suggestion.

I hope that helped(:


-bEE

maria-chan wrote 174 days ago

Oh my god. I had goosebumps while I read this : ] that is such a big feat, to make someone have bumps the whole time they read your work. I'm awed by the passion and power of this story, by the bond between your two MCs. You have a great way with words : ] don't stop writing.

Courtney Driscoll wrote 184 days ago

you have a great balance of dialog and description, it makes the story flow really well. This is a very powerful story and I really hope you intend to write more, I think this would make a great book and I hope to see more :)
great job