Welcome Sign in | Register
top pick
Word Count
1968
Date submitted
01.08.2010
Date Updated
03.01.2010
by blond-but-black
ShortStory: Romance, General Fiction
It is crazy to love someone who hurts you. But it is even crazier to think someone who hurts you loves you.
Lizzie's life has changed exponentially since the death of her mother, and so has her father's. His life has become shallow and pointless, a life filled with beer and hate and drunkard bouts. Lizzie's life is a scared one, filled with misery and young love and physical abuse. She has always felt like she is trapped in someone else’s story, and when she finally finds a way out, it proves not as effective as she thought it would...
On 165 Pick Lists
On 174 Watch Lists
600 Comments
Share this project on:
To leave comments on this or any project please Register or Sign in
wrote
I read through Skip a Beat so quickly I had toggle back and read several times before I put my comments together. The tension built up from the very beginning is great and really grabs your attention. The prologue works to make this even stronger as my first reaction, as a reader was that it was about Corey which of course made me want to see how love could turn to violence. The revelation that Lizzie was being abused by her dad was well written and very unsettling.The writing as a whole was interesting, lots of beautiful imagery and in some places, almost lyrical. There were times when I felt like the similes and metaphors were getting in the way of the story and I would have liked things to have been a little simpler. I think cutting some of the rhetorical questions and short descriptive sentences would also make the piece stronger in the end.Some of the relationships and situations in the story were a little confusing but taking out some of the overly-dramatic descriptions would make that much easier to follow. For example, I didn't really understand what had happened to Lizzie's mom or why it was her fault and the relationship between Lizzie and Corey was also confusing. Are they best friends on the verge of becoming lovers or are they already in a relationship? I wasn't sure.The main point I would urge you to work on, because this has the potential to become a really great piece of writing, is to ensure that Lizzie remains sympathetic all the way through. There are certain points where she comes across as a little cold and self-involved rather than damaged and scared. I can understand that she feels disconnected and as though everything is out of her hands but I would have liked to have seen a little more vulnerability.Overall, the writing is compelling and tackles a brave subject. I'll certainly be watching out for more of your writing on the site.
wrote 22 days ago
Tha was great! Really beautiful. I saw the description, and knew I had to read it. The way you write is very poetic, and even graceful in a way. Definetly one of my favorite pieces I've read so far.(I would like to know what happens to Lizzie's mom though) :)~Eggie
wrote 44 days ago
Utterly beautiful...:( and sad. I'm so happy she has a great friend/lover who stays with her, it would've been so sad if he has walked out on her at the end, that would've crushed her terribly. I love it great work :)
wrote 111 days ago
it goes on, and then stops so abrubptly. when i started reading, it was great.. in some way, magical. but then, im continually confused about whether corey and lizzie are best friends or lovers or "friends with benefits".. i wish you would continue.. and lengthen it..:)
wrote 134 days ago
Interesting, but it feels incomplete. This isn't the end is it?
wrote 135 days ago
The whole thing was short yet meaningful. it was a bit scary though. It's a little bit poetic but great selection of words.
wrote 154 days ago
Oh my josh... this is great! You did a great job with this short story. Keep writing like this and you'll get somewhere. ;D
wrote 155 days ago
This is very well written. You drew me in from the first few sentences. Can't wait to hear more!!
wrote 157 days ago
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH !!!!!!!
wrote 158 days ago
SEQUAL SEQUAL SEQUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I actually liked the first version better, but anyways, great job ;-)
wrote 164 days ago
This is truly great! You should extend it!
wrote 171 days ago
I love this revised version so much better! Great, great job! =D
are you going to keep adding to this? i like it.
wrote 172 days ago
O my gosh!!! SO AMAZING!!! I want to read it over and over again. soo good. Im so glad it got picked.
wrote 177 days ago
OMG!!! that was amazing! i didnt want it to end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was love at first reading:)))
ok, this is amazing! So well done! I'm in love! You have to keep me posted if it gets published!
wrote 178 days ago
Wowzers. That's amazing. I almost feel like I was there. You should add more to it :)
wrote 180 days ago
Nice. This sounds like a book I would love to read. It's intense, it gives you feeling. Almost as if you can go into Lizzie's life, right then. I can feel her pain, though. Anger, pain. It's very vivid. Nice work!
wrote 182 days ago
wow, what do i say to this. i can feel lizzies pain, hurt and anger, but also her sorrow, and her love. very well written. only someone who understands such pain can write about it as vividly as you did. good job!!!
wrote 183 days ago
wow, intense.i really like the way you wrote this.i really felt the line," there is a sadness in his eyes i want to undo, a world i want to inhabit."you're really talented.
wrote 185 days ago
I love the description in this story; I feel as though I'm with Lizzie and Corey and Lizzie's dad through the entire thing. I love it!
This was really good. I enjoyed it so much.
wrote 186 days ago
This is an extremely powerful piece. You create some vivid and effective images and use language with a lyrical sensibility.“feel his fingers on my mouth, taste the sweet rain that souses his skin” “slammed against the fencing like a brick up a wall”“strange thing is, after all he has done to me, I still love him.”“Now the rain touches everything”“heart is a bubble at the base of my throat.”“... he is my gravity.”Short, elegant and to the point. Lovely work. Good luck.
I like the idea behind this and I like how you made the conflict so dramatic and real. Lizzie is a very realistic and relatable character. I do think, though, that you could've maybe gone into more detail about the good side of Lizzie and her father's relationship. You said there was love in there, but only the hurt really showed through. Mostly though, I really liked it. Good job.
I love this its amazing.i love the voice and the writing style and i truely love the character corey! heheheits brill nesh!
Hey, alright. I love reading the before and after versions of stuff. And let me tell you-the revision is fantastic! I remember when this thing was just a little baby at rank 200 something. I should've kept it on my pick's list longer, my ranking would've gone through the roof, lol! It's so good to see you at the top. =)I don't have any complaints on this. I love everything. The descriptions, the character interaction and voice, especially the power behind it all. The beginning and end of this piece are fantastic. Very stunning, very powerful. The changes you made really compliment the story a lot better and I think everything just flows very smoothly. Great job. Really. =)
wrote 187 days ago
Once I read the prologue, I had to read the story! You have an amazing writing style and it felt very real. Great job!!
You have such a unique style and I love the emotion behind this, it felt raw and real. The way you say things are original and new to me. Such as, the first sentence after the bold title: skip a beat. As soon as I read that, I was pulled in and couldn't stop reading. Great work! :) I also like how, in the prologue, you left the abuser nameless and left me curious. Keep writing!
if you're not too busy and have time, could you comment on any of my writing, especially my two books: "Miranda's Nightmare" and "Razor Burn"? I'd really appreciate any input you could give me. Your comments would mean lot!Thank you,Jessi
omg that is amazing i was sat there and it was so emotional that is incredible :)
wrote 188 days ago
wow, this was amazing and so beautifully written!
Beautifully written
this is stunning. it had me reading to the end, craving more. im not a huge fan of short stories, but im in love with this! if i were your english teacher, i'd give you an A++++++++++. fantastic!
Sorry to say this, but the way it ended was strange. What's with the framed? And I think it could have been longer. You could have drawn it out a bit more. Personally, there wasn't enough explaination on the facts you gave for me. But that's just my opion. Meh.
Wow, that was amazing!It definetly left me wanting to read more!And was very well written:)
You turn this into a book, it's amazing. I rarely read short stories or books, mainly i read poems, but this caught my attention... It left wanting to know what happens next... Definately adding this to my picks.
wrote 189 days ago
Woah, that is incredible!I think you should write more for it!:)You have an amazing talent for writing that for sure.
Suggested edits, most just personal opinion...I wished I'D (or I HAD) believed him when he told me he loved me.IN or AMID the river of my hair.We sit for a while (leave out the "just").Rollers bound? How about "unwind"?I feel him staring at me - leave out the "can", I think.I feel his breath, hot and desperate - same story.softly mumbles - don't need the "softly", unless you think he can mumble loudly.fingers lightly BRUSHING my wrist.gently caresses - lose the "gently", caresses implies a gentle touch....I've just been caught - don't need the "just" (I think I'm repeating myself from a few days ago??)It happened last Tuesday. I was in the garden with my dad. (loses one "was".)body SLAMMED against the fencing.spews out in a stream, like vomit - lose the last two words, you're just spelling out the metaphor....he says defiantly - don't need this: the words and the exclamation mark tell us, already.I scoff - don't need this, either - the words show us the scoffing.I still don't think cig smoke would tumble...his head in his hands - try "face" instead of "head", otherwise it sounds like a disembodied head...Evening ocean tends to darken (or turn orange with sunset). Maybe midday ocean?"grisly" - is this the word you want for rain?softly approach - not sure "softly" is appropriate for sirens.Is this mean to end at "frames"?heart's content - note apostrophe, although a cliche worth rewording.
and frames what?! this is soooo good! do you think you'd be interested in a story that I'm developing called Breathless? I tiny part of it is already on here, but when I get more up, could you look at it? Really great story! Going on my picks list!
Omigod. I loved it! Is it a book? But the word count was too low? I want more! And, I agree with many people that have commented: you write very well. Your style of writing is great. You really put that image in the reader's head.
wrote 190 days ago
Oh my gosh, I love this. The way you phrase things is amazing! "I want to stamp a kiss in the centre of his palm" (and that whole paragraph.) Your imagery is awesome. Is this finished because this should definitely be continued. Definitely a pick!
This was an amazing story. I really love the storyline and the thought you put into it. If you can do that with a short story, what can you do with a full on book! Good Job! Keep up the good work!
Wow, this is really well written. It feels like so much happened in so few words. Amazing imagery and descriptions. I definitely didn't see the end panning out that way either. Great job.
I love this! You need to turn it into a book. ^_^
Amazing! Left me speechless!I wasn't expecting the ending at all, which made this story even more interesting.Overall, awesome!
wrote 191 days ago
speechless!!!!!
wrote 192 days ago
Wow. Just--Ugh. You have me speechless. This was... amazing. Captivating. Your writing style had me taken from the first sentence, and I was completely hooked. The ending was comepletely... Phenominal. I don't think I expected that, but it was just the perfect end... However sad, or maybe even a little sadistic. I didn;t notice any mistakes, but the one thing I would have changed was that you used apostrophes ( ' ) instead of quotation marks ( " ) When someone speaks. It's a small thing though, and doesn't take away from the essence of its awesomeness at all :)I could go on for ages, but I'd run out of syneynoms for "Awesome," So I'll end it here. By the way, I know lots of people have told you this, but you should really write up a background and make this a real book. I would buy it!
I luvv this story! I really think you should develop it into a book! That would be AWESOME. I love the mystery at the beginning when you know there's something else Lizzie is hiding but you don't exactly know what it is.Great job!!!! 6 stars out of five!$arap.s. Don't forget mine!!
wow.that was amazing.Loved it!
This story has a wonderful tension throughout... and one of the greatest opening sentences I've seen on this site. I'll message you a couple of specific comments. This is going in my pick list.
1234
sign in with your existing inkpop username
Remember Me
OR
enter your inkpop username and password to join your accounts
Do you use facebook?
It's easy to create your inkpop account using Facebook Connect
Create a new inkpop account
