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Rank 882 (-19)
Word Count
9977
Date submitted
10.25.2009
Date Updated
06.13.2010
by Fantasy_Is_Me
ShortStory: Adventure, Science Fiction/Fantasy
This is the short story version. Please read the book version. (scroll down)Thank you.
Would you give your time to save the people you love?Sophie Lane made a promise to herself, to her little sister. She will do everything in her power to protect Ruthie. Whatever the cost.Now, a prisoner in the Hall of Time, Sophie must keep her promise, even though it means sacrificing her time. Time has a very different meaning in the Hall of Time. Time is like a second soul. In the Hall of Time time doesn't exist. Sophie is in a suspended state of living. She will not age, she will not die. The only company she has are her memories and the occasional visit from the Sentinel.But Sophie isn't about to lay down and live forever. She is going to do everything in her power to escape and find her sister again. The only problem is no one has ever escaped from the Hall of Time. A/N: The cover art is by User. Thanks a million :)PS This is the short story version of Heart of Gears. If I've asked you for a swap, please read the book version. Thank you, kate
On 1 Pick Lists
On 12 Watch Lists
34 Comments
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wrote 72 days ago
Aw, she got her the windup toy =) and then crushed it.."Matt forced me drink water.." to*Man, it sucks the Jec is hating her all because of a boy. Seems to be the source of all problems lol. Nice write-Bri
wrote 73 days ago
for our swapI would shoot myself with that many clocks lolWell, I've only gotten halfway through this so far, the bells about to ring so i have to go. The only thing i've found so far is this. Sophies mom said she had to work 12-8, but that she'd be at the bakery for the lunch shift. is time different there?I'll be back to finish this later.-Bri
wrote 75 days ago
This is very interesting and different. I like the way you write, it carries me through the storie nicely. Great Job!
wrote 81 days ago
This is amazing!!!!!!!
wrote 83 days ago
I really like this!
wrote 98 days ago
... can I say speechless?This is so different from anything I've read, it's fantastic :DRuthie is a very realistic character, a little girl who wants what the popular girl wants and to have Sophie trade her cache for a birthday present just goes to show how much she cares for Ruthie.'It was my fault she had one less child' ---- Jeez... awesome!The flow of this story is very smooth and the overall story is mystifying and gripping.You kept my attention all the way through, there are some really great lines here. Your opening was perfect, loved this short story!
wrote 127 days ago
This is really good. The first paragraph got my attention right away and I never lost interest during the story...vivid detail...only spotted a few grammatical errors...totally unique and bewitching..this is a great piece:)
wrote 132 days ago
Woah,how do you come up with this stuff?It's so original!!!!Genius ^^
wrote 135 days ago
The unique settings feel like a breath of fresh air. The characters and their dialogue feel distinct and well-rounded, except for Sophie's mother. She's a bit too one-dimensional at this point, coming across as the "Mean Mom" stereotype. Other than that, though, it's an engaging read. Let me know if or when you post more of it!
hey!!!!!!! nice work done
wrote 145 days ago
I love this one, its much like one of my favorite books :) there's a few mistakes, but its very well written.
I just wanted to let you know I checked my picks and a spot was open so it's been picked! Thanks ~Diane
This is so fantastic! I love Sophie's voice throughout. You've really brought the Hive and the Hall of Time to life right from the start. The concept is so original, and all Sophie's alarm clocks are so ironic! I like the chemistry between her and Matt. Thanks for the great read! Keep writing. ~Diane
wrote 146 days ago
Hey this is really good, I like how you do the sophie before and after she was arrested, really a nice touch to it. Great job =]
Brilliant !! I love the switching of points of veiw and they still conclude each other. But I have no crit. This was amazing. Are you going to add more ? I can't wait !! Really intrueging read.Serena
wrote 147 days ago
Whoa, this is such an amazing book. I LOVE the switching from first person POV over to the third person POV, that is one of the coolest things I have ever read. Also the switching of past to present is very thrilling and keeps us on the edge of our seet wondering what transpired to lead up to the point and of course... we don't get to know. Not unless you add more. This was amazing and I really want to pick it. I'm thinking about waiting until you make it to 10000 words and make this a book before picking this. I am dead searious about picking this so please message me when you have written on. This was amazing.Carrie L McRaeThings that Break
amazing, you have a unique voice and a very creative plot.Your writing style reminds me of the author from the Hunger Games. I also love the format of your story very unique and it flows really well....i really hope you update me when you add more to this, you have a great book concept and genuine lovable characters great job :)
All in all, it was a very good idea, with a good plot. Your descriptions were amazing. The chemistry between Matt and Sophie was really good too. The way you go back and forth between telling what Sophie thinks in the hive, to what happents outside the hive is really interesting. Also, I would like to know what happened to her little brother, Lucas, and what caused him to die. I would like to know more about what happened when the dad died? (maybe a conspiracy against Sophie's family?) And the message that the grey stone played was very interesting... and intriguing. You should expand on this. I only saw a few things that seemed odd to me:-Would you like to tell me the projection stone? (did you mean "would you like to tell me where the projection stone IS?"-You say that she is handcuffed, yet then she reaches up and crushes the windup doll-I shot him a glare, but I was smiling (I'm not sure how you can glare and smile at the same time? Smirk, maybe?)-I could already spell the stench (I think what you meant here was I could already SMELL the stench)-Missed you to (I'm pretty sure that to is like, To Mr. And Mrs. Gladenburg, but TOO is like, I also missed you too.) Like I said, It was very intriguing and interesting and for that reason, I will be watching this story:) Keep up the good work! :)
This is great - I am so pleased that you asked to swap!You have a wonderful concept here! I love the idea of someone being sentanced to a place of complete timelessness.The world you have created is incredibly detailed and I found myself just wanting to know more and more about it.The only little things I noticed were one or two slight changes of tense, which I'm sure you'll catch if you edit this, and a few sentances that seemed a little odd phrasing wise. But nothing major.This is going on my picks!
wrote 148 days ago
“47 Clocks”---hah! This is quirky …“The soft, comforting sound of ticking clamed my panicking heart”---liked this … tells us a lot about our MC“Good thing I like it”---hah! “She told her protein bar”---liked this“Oh the righteousness of a seven year old”----love these moments where we get in her head“Then why do you want to be like her?”----hah! It’s so true …“At least I wasn’t dressed in a sack”—again, love these moments …“My anger froze inside me”---I like this, but you already used a similar phrase earlier with anger freezing … perhaps change one of them? ☺“It was my fault she had one less child”---whoa …“Coldness for coldness”---goodGreat flashback with the blood and poison … intense!!!“If you let my mother go”---whoa … I love that you are revealing just little bits at a time … it’s a really nice build …“She went a little trigger happy”---hah!This is actually REALLY intense ... the whole vibe of it reminds me of the Hungar Games ... really nice. I love the flip-flopping from present to past ... it builds the story nicely. Your writing is exquisite ... I actually forgotI was reading for awhile ... just living through the story ... I really like this. Well done! Can't wait for more!!! ~Morgan :)
Now wow. Thats an incredible opening. While its a bit info dumpy, you show your world, and have a great voice. Honestly, I can't describe how great that opening was. Sorry bout my rave. Oh, wow. Thats a big white space. Shrink it please?Okay, the Hive. While you make some things very specific, like currency and apprenticeships, you lack some very vital things. Why is it like that? was the like a war and suddenly everything is top security? Is it even on earth? A reader has to be comfortable with a novel, and part of that comfort is definitly knowing the setting.Her banter with her sister is very cute, makes the story more authentic. It also shows your wonderful attention to detail. Throughout the part that I read, I found missing commas and misspellings. Just be a careful, and always always edit. If you would like, message me and you can email me your novel. Then I would happily edit it for you :)I love the use of clocks as symbolism. 47 clocks in her bedroom? This is cute and quirky, but makes little sense.The overall detail is wonderful. others are complaining abhout it, but I'm finding it just right. Honestly, I would like more. Backstory is what it's all about. You need to make sure you properly set up your world without info dumping, but you also need to beuild suspsense, and make sure the reader is well oriented. I'll admit, it is VERY difficult. You do a good job, but I am failing to see the importance of somethings. The cache, while intriguing, is not given much of a meaning, but it seems to have value. The apprenticeship thing: does that mean that like the government forces kids into workby age 10? I would liek to see that made more clear. While suspense is good, I would prefer that you didn;t make your readers make assumptions. Your jumping back and forth between her admittance to the Hall and beforehand actually works. Good for you.Her being interrogated before she is admitted into the Hall is interesting. Oh, and heres me being all absentminded. Matt and her friends. Theres a lot of mystery there, which honestly I would like to have cleared up. Again, with readers and assumptions. Sorry I seem to focus on the negatives. But in all, I LOVE this. PICKED :P
wrote 149 days ago
I really liked the opening. Need to get rid of the big chunks of white space that makes peopl escroll down so much.I love the idea that the sentence is time suspension. Really original. Love you have used Sophie...one of my favorite names. My expectations when starting this was somewhat different. I thought it was going to be a girl from our world trapped in another dimension. So when it wasn't I had to readjust and it took me a bit to get the gist of it. I like the way the style swaps from her POV to other entries - that is effective. It has a steam-punk feel to it, which I really like. My suggestion for improvement is to splice some more background on the hive and this world ingeneral throughout the story as you have to remember that your readers do not know this world as well as you do.However - original, fun, cute story sooooo PICKED
wrote 157 days ago
This is very, very creative. There were some minor problems with tense and missing letters or words but overall an interesting world. I think Sophie is a compelling character and I definitely want to read more. I want to know what happens next. I will add this to my picks.
Review for Heart of Gears:• Do you mean: A heart beat(s) slowly?• I think you should rephrase the sentence: I felt my heart push blood through my veins. You wouldn’t though. You could say something along the lines of: I could feel the blood surging through my veins and my heart beating at a steady pace. IDK, it just sounded odd to me. ;)• A tad too much description but you’ve created an interesting world.• Refine your words and your sentences, less is more. :D• A really interesting concept and the clocks are great symbolism.• Mirror. No. No. No. Don’t take this personally, but the mirror trick devalues your work, editors, agents, publishers hate this to bits. It’s the most used and therefore least creative way to describe characters.• Wonderful style, but space out and break up paragraphs, people are less likely to skip it then.• Interesting concept and main character, I want to read on.~noelle
I mostly scanned this, but it's an intriguing piece. The descriptions are nice, and the overall plot is very, very interesting. When I find time, I'll be sure to read more. You do a nice job. I like the logs, videos, etc. I've thought about doing a story like that, and now you've just encouraged me. Keep working!
wrote 160 days ago
Interesting opening, but I like it...Each BREATH I took - no "e".Go easy on the details about the "Hive". Try and leave only what's absolutely necessary to the story, and get on with the plot."Kicking the sheets off..." - the problem with "-ing" words is that unless applied correctly, they can make it seem two unlikely, if not impossible, things are occurring simultaneously. In this case, the MC appears to be kicking the sheets off AND crawling at the same time. This particular line can be saved by putting "After" at the beginning, but others may require more rewording.I like the image of being surrounded by clocks. Symbolic, I wonder, running out of time, perhaps?"heart racing" - bit cliche. Try and reword.It's an old trick to use a mirror to tell the reader about the character's appearance. Cut this right back. We really don't need the list of what she's wearing or what she looks like. If you want to show us she's got blonde hair, have her brush it and get a few strands caught on her clothing - something a bit cleverer, anyway. An opportunity comes when Ruthie enters the plot; you could say "Ruthie's wavy blonde hair was exactly like mine", or something like that."Grumbling under my breath..." - this one's OK, because you CAN grumble under your breath whilst doing something else (except swimming underwater...)I have to admit I like the creativity and setting here. I'd suggest you go back over it and leave out everything you think you can get away with. That is, EVERY line that doesn't advance plot and character, or give important information, should go - this includes aimless dialogue. The more efficient you can make your prose, the less hard it is for a reader to plough through it - and they are looking for excuses to stop when they have to work a little bit more than usual, such as in a new world (to them).Overall, it's a promising start, and I'll slot you on my next available pick.Regards,TomW
I love this, it's such a unique storyline! I like the switching between the now and then, it adds to the suspense! But before I rave more, there were a couple of thing I may have caught:" "What time do you want be at the shop?" I asked." Do you want 'me" to be in the shop?" "How long is you're guild meeting?" " Your instead of you're"I hopped up beside Ruthie and continued before she could speaker" Speak not speaker"For the pass six and a half years I have worked as an apprentice for my mother." Past instead of pass"I explained with mock patients" Patience instead of patients.Sorry if that was a little blunt. ^^;Anyways, I really hope you continue! Please tell me if you do - this is going on my picks!
wrote 161 days ago
Though I'm a little confused (due to lack of energy) but I love the plot of it. I wish there was more :)I love it!
wrote 233 days ago
I like it. Continue!! :D I agree with shiraz, take your time with the counting, expand a little bit, give the reader a rest from the starts and stops. :D
wrote 256 days ago
A good start. You've got my attention. What happens next? One thing I'd like to suggest it to break the first paragraph up.One. Two. Three.Steady breathing filled the small room.Four. Five. Six....
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