Book Jacket

Rank 308 (-307)

Word Count

2579

Date submitted

01.16.2010

Date Updated

01.16.2010

Killing Maybella Rose

by Ashley Conway

ShortStory: General Fiction, Mystery, Romance, Humor

Brett Wayne discusses why he killed Maybella Rose.

Brett Wayne lived in Bellmont, a small town in Texas. He kills his best friend out of what he thinks is pure sanity. In this short story he discusses why he killed her and what it did for him.

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On 6 Pick Lists

On 9 Watch Lists

18 Comments

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iloveyou

wrote 9 days ago

wow. this was an amazing story. You built up the character Brett so well and he has a really unique mind. Great job! At first I thought Brett was an awful man but, this may sound crazy, but i thought his reasons for killing her were sincere. So good job on making me feel that way and do continue to write more stories!

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MrsAlPacino

wrote 31 days ago

I really loved this! Wow, It was so unique. The attitude was so powerfully expressed and it all was so realistic! Great job!!!

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Failure Of Imagination

wrote 31 days ago

I saw this on one of the top trendsetteters picklists and the cover looked really cool, so here I am!
Your story was wonderful, the logic and the plot has no major gaps. I love how sinister you made him sound... Although I would definitely be scared to meet the person who could come up with something so realistic! The word choice was delectable, and the descriptions were exquisite. Okay, I sound like an insane-o myself!

Cheers!

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Alleah

wrote 31 days ago

wow, my friend would love this story, she loves death and just the title has a death in it. Personally it thought this was AMAZING I have read many thing but NOTHING like this, I mean \I've read thing where you get in a killers head but here you truly explain it I mean I would saw that his killing her was good through is point of view (through mine though he's kinda....... crazy) and I love how you didn't just explain why he did it but also the reasons behind that, one thing was that it would have been really cool if you were more descriptive in the first paragraph, make it uber-gory that would just totally set the mood but other that that it was great

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unorigionalname

wrote 32 days ago

I love the premise! This dude is a psychopath, absolutely. No feeling, no inflection, has a goal to get out of town and decides to accomplish it by picking out the weakest (and a vaugely irksome) figure in town. His views on God were interesting, too. Not really any specific religious view, kind of a blend that he imagines.
The only thing I wonder: where is it set? I can't really get a good idea, but I'm guessing American Southwest, but I can't figure out the time period. Earlier 1900s, perhaps around the 20s? Let me know, because I'm curious as to what you had in mind.
Awesome.

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flying2far4u

wrote 33 days ago

This was AMAZING! You don't find too many stories like this on here, but this was THE BEST ONE SO FAR!!!
OH MY GOD- it was creepy yet I felt like Brett was relatable (and his monotone, nonchalant voice was scary and real as well as intimidating) and that his logic kind of made sense almost, which is freakish enough AND hard to do but it worked! Dark but FANTASTIC!!! =)

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naaa_e

wrote 45 days ago

Okay here's what I think:

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FREAKING GOOD!!!!!!!! :D
Gosh, woman!

Now that I got that off my chest:
The first paragraph is perfect, it's beautiful, it gets you right into the story tells you a little bit about the town. just perfect.
The narrative voice is great, about what Marisa Mills said the part with the sheriff: here's what I understood.

Wayne thinks that the Sheriff alone, isn't the attention he was looking for, he wanted more than just that...
so I think you should clear that part a bit, like have him after saying the "Sheriff Dean" part tell the sheriff that he should call for some back up before he lets him in..or describe the sheriff as a chubby short round man or whatever, give reason to why the sheriff couldn't just arrest him himself...

"I wasn't sure what made me more upset, the fact that he was dead or the fact that they killed him because he probably showed a little guilt" - this line is absolutely breathtaking, I kid you not :P
but I think you should delete "probably" because Wayne didn't seem to me like the guy who'd question his own words.

after that when they took his favorite cell mate, you instantly changed the subject back to Maybella. I loved how he explained why he had killed her, but you should clarify how he thought that it was a win win situation, that he'd give her the freedom he thought she should get and that he wanted to get out of this place...

but most importantly you should change the transition in that part, he was suddenly talking about his cell mate then it changed to Maybella, so maybe you should add a paragraph between those two explaining how for example he felt bored or alone or even tried a shot at guilt that's why he started thinking about Maybella, then comes the maybella part which is REALLY REALLY GOOD!

I can't believe this didn't make it to the top five but I think after a little editing that's needed it would definitely be a top pick, it sure is on my top picks!


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Marisa Mills

wrote 46 days ago

It's good, and the narrative voice is great. The only thing is the police procedures wouldn't work like that...even if just the sheriff came, why didn't he just cuff him and drive him to the station? Why did he even need to call for back-up? I mean, even if it's a small, hick town...the sheriff would be stupid to just leave him and wait for back-up. And I'm not really sure why he's so surprised when Sheriff Dean shows up. Is the sheriff one of the typical donut eating kind, or what? It doesn't really make sense...

Overall, though, it's excellent. I throughly enjoyed it.

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csimone

wrote 46 days ago

This story is wonderful and dark. The plot is shocking but the narrative is monotone and uncaring. Great story and you're an excellent writer!

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Rebecca Kaplan

wrote 46 days ago

I love this. I love our narrator especially and his nonchalant look at things. Everything about the piece flows extremely well and the dialogue is great when it occurs. The narrative voice does a great job of making the story read like an interview, and I really enjoyed following it.

Your characters also have flaws and are wonderfully unique. I love how they all have their little quirks and flaws--it truly makes them special and believable. My favorite is the narrator, of course, who seems like a decent guy though he's just killed off a young innocent, and I love the tone he uses throughout the piece to convey his point.

Generally, a nice job. Clean up the grammar and you're golden. Watched and later picked. :)

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vanhelsing13

wrote 46 days ago

I would get picky about grammar, but I see that others beat me to it. All I can find wrong or that needs improvement is grammar! I could definitely hear someone spweaking, the dialogue/narration wasn't wooden or flat.

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XoADreadnought

wrote 46 days ago

Bloodied instead of blooded.

I don’t believe that the police would allow someone to call 911 and just talk to people about missing cows that he didn’t have.

The internal dialogue and musings of Brett are fantastic and believable.

Everything was true, even the exaggerations – a fantastic line.

Thank The Lord – the doesn’t need to be capitalized.

Doing something pointless like that is pure sanity – beautiful.

The whole paragraph about gossip is masterful

Wow, mysterious. “Killing Maybella Rose was definitely worth it though” – should be a comma before though, but I think if you delete “though”, it will be more impactful.

Writing- 9.9 – great, mysterious
Flow/Pace- 8.9 – jumps a bit, but the concept of time doesn’t seem too important here
Characters- 8.8 – Brett is a strong character but feels limited
Dialogue- 9.9 – the internal dialogue is great
Originality- 9.4 – something special
Overall Plot- 10 – love it

Story Overall- 9.48/10

picked

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taylorfox

wrote 46 days ago

finally, i read an AMAZING short story on this website. this really is great; the language is totally my style, the content is great, and there's a real story to be told. great great imagery and development. fantastic!

my only suggestion:

"...ready already...": these words sound odd back to back, maybe rework?
you also used "to" instead of "too" somewhere, and the only reason i'm being that picky is because there is nothing wrong with this story.

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writingenius

wrote 46 days ago

very very good I could hear every good as he spoke it

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Natasha M.

wrote 46 days ago

this really needs more attention
I haven't read anything on inkpop with better executed characterization
You're very talented. It can be hard to present a character and get the reader into their head and understand who they are, what they are like - but you do it so wonderfully here that it looks easy. Please message me if you add more to this or upload something else - you have a very addictive writing style.

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Poetic Ramblings

wrote 46 days ago

You use perfect imagery. Really, really perfect! I adore the whole flow of the story and the plot? The plot is just... wow! Though provoking, original, and written in such away that the main character, though a murderer is actually kind of likeable. Throughout the whole thing it didn't really seem like Maybella was dead... just sort of missing. I don't know why, just the way Brett talked about her, the feeling, everything made her seem so alive! Again, an exciting and enjoyable read. Truly brilliant!

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RLJoy

wrote 46 days ago

I love the really love how you wrote this piece! it is maginficent!

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MIC

wrote 46 days ago


“Where the blood was on her flowered walls, how her innocent eyes rolled back, the burning smell of her hair”---this is all so good

“The operator was not used to this, me calling in my own murder”—hah! This is interesting …

“I coulda sworn she was laughing out of nerves”---liked this

“If there wasn’t going to be a scene, I wouldn’t make one”---nice!

“I doubt there could even be any paperwork to do in this town”---so great

“Even though I felt no guilt on the matter”----love this

“That would’ve really messed him up”---hah!

“Were all scratched up as if someone had tried to break out with a plastic knife”---good

“It was like they were trying to make this place hell”---liked this

“The silence between us just made our bond stronger”---this is great

“Doing something pointless like that is pure insanity”---good

“The town thrives on gossip and without it, it’d be dead”---so great here

What a perfect ending!!! This piece is fabulous!!! Really well done! There were too many lines that were my
favorites ... wow, your writing is good. Really, really great work! ~Morgan;)

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