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Rank 653 (-17)
Word Count
16610
Date submitted
01.19.2010
Date Updated
05.11.2010
by William Fitch
Book: , Adventure, Science Fiction/Fantasy
The descendants of the Knights of the Round Table band together to save the world from a returned evil.
Zander has always had it rough: growing up without parents, love, or affection has left him an empty shell looking for a purpose. Then one day the purpose finds him the guise of a man named Merlyn. After thousands of years the evil that Arthur and his knights banished has returned and the common era as we know it has been thrust back into the dark ages. Can Zander push back his own misgivings and help the other descendants fight or will he give into the darkness that has festered in his heart?
On 7 Pick Lists
On 15 Watch Lists
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wrote 9 days ago
Hey! So sorry that I haven't gotten around to commenting, but I'm here now.First of all, your plot is gorgeous and I only read the first two chapters. Really original idea, not all this crap about vampires and what not. Second, your character development was awesome, I really got a feel of who they were. Honestly, the only things that needed work to me were your grammar, and the pace. The grammar's quite easy to fix, I'm not so worried about that. The pace. It was a little fast for me and you didn't have very many descriptions. I do the same thing and came up with a pretty good plan. Stop. Breathe. Then sink into descriptions and dialogue. It really does help. Delve into the senses and thoughts. I'm quoting Eddie and the Cruisers 2, "The music needs to breathe." It's the same for a story. And now I'm referring to So You Think You Can Dance. Nigel has told dancers that they have beautiful performance ability, and that's great! It will get you picked. BUT. You are not yet there TECHNICALLY. The grammar, the language, it all needs to flow. Does that make sense? It's kinda confusing.Keep up the awesome work! Picked!~Silver
wrote 103 days ago
Cool plot so far, read the first chapter and liked it so far. There's nothing more to say seeing as the other comments already have it down. Other than that, cool story idea.
wrote 105 days ago
I've only read the first chapter, but so far I love it. I love how you start with the nightmare, very cool. You could describe a few things just a little more, but then again, there are a few places that you describe the things that are happening and the setting quiet well. :)
wrote 110 days ago
Very good beginning, a few things. 1st sent. "pain dies away[ ] and"- no comma needed"from my face[ ] as" again no comma neededThat was all I saw, excellent job on the descriptions. They really set the scene. You really developed your characters well in the beginning. You will definitely grab the readers attention at the beginning too. Great job!
wrote 113 days ago
I this idea, and plot line. You have developed the character well, though I felt like you could have your dialogue more flowing and relaxed. To me it seemed to stiff. I saw some grammar errors but I think Selanna covered some of that.. Overall I think your story needs some work, but nothing that is not fixable. Keep up the good work!
wrote 114 days ago
Hello, Anxious and Nervous little William! Well, perhaps not little, but the name shall remain. Just note that I give really long comments that are very extensive, but it's only because I care. ^_^ ~First note, you left a comment on your story, explaining your story. OUCH! Tell us that within the words and the chapters, because we want to focus on the book, not your outside comments. The fact that you have to describe that *outside* your story means you're not doing a good enough job *inside* the story. Big no-no right there. Just spend some time, with either some dialogue, or perhaps an encounter with a mirror where he sighs and goes into detail about it.~At the very beginning, your character talks to himself, and it seems stiff. Add some description, because though it has exasperation in it, it doesn't have the right description. ---He snorted, and sat up, running his fingers through his hair as he muttered to himself. "Yeah. Right. A dream that I *always* have, but never remember." He snorted again. "It's ridiculous!" He paused. "Perhaps I really am crazy. Too bad crazy people can't stay in bed all day."--- That's just one version of it, because there are literally thousands of variations that you can do. ~I step in[,] letting the warm water rinse my body... Quick fix!~And if [if isn't bad enough being a mix of Japanese and German,]~A fait accompli? Is this a typo, or is it a saying that I'm not aware of? Just a note. ~I'm a bit confused as he enters the coffee shop. Who's speaking? Please describe the characters and their actions as they speak, because it makes them easier to recognize and relate to. ~You're very brisk, and you don't really describe what's happening, which makes the reader confused and uncertain. If they're confused, they're going to leave, and your story won't be read, much less liked. Also, it takes a lot to translate sarcasm to paper, and it seems to be a vital part of your character's personality. --Resolutions and Solutions** Take your time; slow down. Spread out your descriptions, and lessen the general amount of sarcasm so we have a comparison of normal dialogue and snarky attitude. ~I like the scene between Alexis and Zander! ~You miss commas a great deal. Commas are the moment when you inhale (when you're speaking) and begin the next half of your sentence. --Resolutions and Solutions** Read your story aloud, and make a note of the place where you pause to breathe in. Also, each sentence should make sense when you read it aloud. A constant stream of words is definitely the place where you need a comma. You see you can't have lines like this especially when they continue on and on until you're utterly and completely confused. That's what you want to ignore, because that sentence is lacking commas. ~OK as Okay. It's easier on the eyes. ~ In general, your main characters seems like a degenerate. He's an adult, yet he plays the PS2 and takes revenge by shooting his enemies with paint ball guns. That makes him kind of hard to like.--Resolutions and Solutions** Make him likable. Give him honorable traits that make him a hero. He is supposed to be troubled, but even anti-heroes have good qualities. I haven't seen many of his own. Reinforce his good image at the beginning, because as we progress into the story, we're going to walk into it with that impression. If he's good at the beginning, he'll be good at the end.~You miss capitalizing "I" a lot in the second chapter.~"I feel like someone is stabbing me over and over again and they wont stop." . . . That's a bit of an odd thing to say, just to be honest. Try... "I feel like someone's been watching me. It's creepy." We want characters we can relate to, and very few people would say that.~I like Kendra, but she's one dimensional, like Zander. Add some small habits, personality traits, opinions and favorites. Your characters are still basic, and all you have to do is fill them out a bit here and there. ~Why does he call Jen? I sensed no foreshadowing to her being his answer to everything. It just popped up. Make the transition into her being a wise and intelligent woman smoother, because I'm confused. Final Observations and Opinions~Grammatically, you have a lot of things to do. The continuation of the tale of Arthur is cool though, you just need to relax and let it flow, because your writing is still stiff. You jump into a lot of things, with very little foreshadowing. It's almost like your character is impulsive. ~~ Readers are slow. We're stupid, because we don't understand your writing the way you do, so we can't leap to conclusions without your character to lead us through their thought process. This means that you have to explain everything, from head to toe. ~~~The key to a good story is a good beginning, a foundation that you can work from. You have to start from the beginning, and comb through every single word and pick out every flaw. Once you have that done for chapter one, you can move onto chapter two. It's grueling; it sucks to pick apart your writing, but that's the only way to make it better. Good luck!~Cheers!
Wow... very gripping. I like the quote at the beginning of chapter one. Well done!
Another note, Another day: This is in response to the grey hair. Yes it is possible for a person to be born with grey/white/blonde hair (I was born with blonde hair in fact). More importantly let's focus on the greyer side of things. If a person has a hormone imbalance it is possible to grow up with grey/white hair. And I'm using the term from birth very lightly here, just assume it's been grey for as long as Zander can remember. Just a little FYI. ;)
wrote 115 days ago
(I believe you only read the first Chapter of my story, so I only read the first Chapter of "Son of the Betrayer". Let me know if I'm wrong!) This is not my kind of story, and I'm sorry for that. However, you have an interesting narration. Your transitions were a bit muddled and confusing, you tend to repeat, and you tend to have run on sentences. I would highly suggest you proofread before you upload. A lot of my suggestions are nitpicks, but, some of them are definitely needed. Anyways, onto the critique! :] • "It was only a dream" needs to be italicized because its a thought. • You need a comma after Zander in the second paragraph. • The sentence that has "people often thinks its dyed" is a run on. Break it up with commas, or maybe even smaller sentences.• A bit of a nitpick, but you are info-dumping about his heritage. We can tell your character is going to be exotic looking because of his parents; you don't need to state that. It just seems unneeded and kind of clunky, but I believe you can keep it in (just my preference for you not to have it). • It is physically impossible to have gray hair from birth. In fact, you usually lose all your hair after you are born because it is very soft and fine (most babies don't have hair, and if they do, it is mostly black; I've only seen a few babies with blonde hair). I would definitely edit this out. Its possible to have gray SKIN; it is a disease called argyria. Gray hair only comes from old age or stress, so this doesn't make sense. • "too bad my life isn't like a video game.." needs a semicolon after videogame. • Nitpicking again, but you don't need to use "sooo" and "ummm" with all the extra letters. It makes your writing look juvenile. I would just italicize so and um. Overall, nice. Needs some polish though. Not my kind of story, but I wish you all the best with it! -Jackie Gajda
wrote 116 days ago
Just a note to the readers: Fait Accompli is a common latin phrase which means irreversible fact.
Your story is pretty good. You really like Z names don't you lol jk
wrote 117 days ago
For our swapp:):~Loove the opening quote!~ I love the character, it's pretty cool how he's so exotic!~O.M.G. Presenttense! yiiikes. it's hard to do, but u pull it off.~fifteen minutes, later. in that line it should bee : fifteen minutes later,~" a faith accompli i'd soon accept." ok, first it should b "accomplished" and second, it doesn't make much sense. maybe u could do, "a faith i'd soon accpet," take out accomplished!~ "help a customer, make coffee, die?" I LOOOVED that line, omg so funny & cynical!~ "we have mochas, lattes." if he gets cut off it should b "mochas, lattes-"~and if ur character is thinking, it should b italics.So far, i love this! will b contuing!
Hey, I like this so far. I've only read the first chapter but it was good. I like the quote in the beginning and I like the main character so far! Very sarcastic and sarcastic people are awsome! :) I'll read the rest when i get the chance!
wrote 120 days ago
So, as you were warned from my profile, I’m a Grammar Nazi. So excuse me if I forget to address non-grammar related issues.I think you should describe the MC’s pain. An explosion? A burning fire? Something? xD.“It was only a dream” could be italicized because these are his thoughts. A comma after “dream” is also good.Ahh, present tense. I see. I’m not great with it, but I’ll try.Comma after “my head on my pillow.”I think some other people mentioned you had some technical issues, but I don’t think they pointed them out. Also, I am a huge fan of commas. I am in love with them. xD. So by the time this comment is over you will either love them or hate them.Do the double hyphen deal—like this – or like this after “that I die.” Then a comma after “or rather.”Comma after “past few weeks.”“Mite.” I’m not sure if this is used correctly, but it doesn’t happen to be a word I know.Comma after “If this continues” and “until then.”Comma after “from around my body.”Comma after “taking a deep breath.”The sentence with “I quickly glance” should be reworded in a way that’s easier to understand. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s just… a little hard to understand. xD.Comma after “bad circulation.”Comma after “attempt at wit” and “toward the bathroom.”Comma after “with steam.”Comma after “sweat soaked clothes.” (sweat-soaked should have a comma.)The “though” isn’t really necessary.You use a lot of semi-colons. A nitpick, but try to keep from using more than three or four semi-colons in one chapter. xD. You’re not doing badly with them, but most people don’t like them, so avoid them. :P.Comma after “fifteen minutes later.”Comma after “isn’t bad enough.” Hyphens between “half Japanese” and “half German.” And I think that’s cool! I wish I was half Asian and half white, no fair!The part with “people often think it is dyed” seems kind of places in the grand scheme of the sentence.Haha, gray strands. Lucky kid.What’s the MC’s name? xD.“Even though I live…” can be its own sentence. And haha. I think I sort of feel your MC, which is good.Period after “the cracked leather” so “I stare” can be its own sentence.I am pretty impressed with the fact you keep your tenses pretty consistent as of right now. :)Frankly, the constant description can get slightly boring after a while. Try to be careful about that!Is the detail about the Play Stations necessary? xD. Something to consider.I don’t feel like the chapter is really moving along… any way to start it in the middle of the action? Just a suggestion.I’m not going to mention every single comma that I think you should put in, but I’ll try to get most of them. I think I got a lot of them in the earlier parts though.Comma after “jumping off the couch” and “straight to my room.” Haha about the towel. Start “I quickly change” as its own sentence.“needed”—“need.”Comma after “anyways.”He talks out loud a lot. Lol.The thoughts are kind of awkward though. Honestly, is that how you’d think it? say it? xD.“Plausible”—nice word.I think there needs to be another word before “another day.” “It’s,” perhaps.“thing” may need to be “nothing” for confirmation.“In an instant” can start as a new sentence.Comma after “my keys and wallet.”Comma after “on a landing.”Coma after “I’d made.”Comma after “geez.”Comma after “laughing.” And nice, girl, you show him. xD.Comma after “hey” and “life stuff.” And nice.Comma after “over the rail.”The girl’s dialogue is a little awkward…And we don’t know the MC’s name still… xPComma after “with a slight chuckle.”How can he order her a pizza if he doesn’t know her name?“I’m the type of guy who doesn’t have any juice at all.” Haha.Comma after “as I walk.”Salt? Why? What? Huh? xD.I have to agree with what HealedMyWings said. Someone else also mentioned starting the story as close to the end as possible. So keep those things in mind.Whoa. Christine kind of comes in here all of a sudden. Um… xD. If you really want to drag her into the story, do so sooner. And try not to put her in unless you need her.Alright, so I’m stopping around the middle of chapter 1. It’s a little lengthy, and this review is almost 800 words already, so I better stop here.Overall:Tenses: Better than most, so congrats.Grammar: Missing a LOT of commas. But you knew I’d say something about the grammar, as I am a little crazy when it comes to grammar xP.Idea: If not from the pitch, I wouldn’t know what the story was about. Try to make me see where you are going sooner than later. As the other person said (don’t remember who) start your story as close to the end as you can.Description: I think you almost do too much of it! also, you tend to outright tell me a lot of things. Show, don’t tell. I struggle with this, but it comes to you over time. Let the words and juxtaposition help you out.Okay, 900 words. xD. I’m going to let you go now. I may come back to read in the future, maybe after you do some grammatical editing here so I could be more helpful besides just being a total Grammar Nazi. I hope this was of use!
Heyy this is for the swap.I read the first chapter and it was interesting. There were a lot of mechanical issues. There were a lot of run on sentences and commas placed in bad places. There were also a lot of places where you should have put commas but didn't. There were some typos and places where you forgot words. It didn't really hurt it but it was noticeable. In the beginning, you spelled Star Bucks with a lower case b and then throughout the rest you used an uppercase. Despite those issues, it was good. I liked the dialogue and the internal though processes. I chuckled more than once. Overall, I liked it. :)
Hi there! :) I just read your first chapter, and I enjoyed it. I loved the banter between the main character and the average girl who turned into a beautiful girl when she smiled. That’s when the story picked-up for me. There is one issue that I noticed about your writing style, which sort of gives it a passive voice. You begin a lot of sentences with “-ing” words, especially during the first half of chapter one before the “action/dialogue” begin. For example: “Laughing at my pitiful attempt at wit I make my way…”Instead, I suggest saying, “I laugh at my pitiful attempt at wit, and make my way to the bathroom…” “Starbucks” (the first time you mention it, you have it accidentally as two words, “Star bucks”.)I stare at his stupid grin and (spit) out my reply. (instead of “spitting”)“…he has none of (the) personality traits…”I’m usually annoyed by mc’s with heavy sarcasm and snarkiness, but I can’t help but like him! :) I definitely have hope for him, that he’ll find a reason to be less cynical – he’s had a hard run, but he’s really funny. I think I’d be much more surprised and completely freaked out if I found a random piece of jewelry in my pocket, haha!I was drawn-in by the pitch, and I love urban fantasy. I think this is a good introduction, and it's definitely raised my intrigue! My favorite part is your characterization of the main character. He's cool. :)
wrote 121 days ago
The first chapter is a little long and has a lot of run-on sentences that make it harder to follow, but that's just basic maintenance. The first chapter seems a little formulaic. A soon-to-be-extraodinary person lives a mundane life but later learns that they have special powers that are manifesting themselves through nightmares. It was a good idea to bring in the Knights of the Roundtable, but there are elements in this that have just been done before.
Okay, I admit it. When I first started to read this I wasn't fully engaged because there wasn't really anything going on. But then I started to look at the intricate way you described things and I was blown away! I love the writer's that can mold their words into beautiful descriptions, and can eventually allow those words to reflect certain character's actual personalities. The lines: "As I walk sand crunches underneath my tennis shoes, a worn pair of Chuck Taylor's, disturbing the morning silence. They are a perfect example of my personality: ragged, dirty, and lacking life." -- That right there was such a beautiful line. Elegant for its simplicity, and meaningful because your using a simple inanimate object to potray the brokenness of an individual. It really reveals to the reader more about the character. I really appreciate writer's who include subtle hints like this in their writing. It makes it that more enjoyable :)I also enjoyed that spunky retort Zander gave to the lady at the Starbuck's counter. You handled that scene so well by the way. Most writer's I would discourage to use real places like Starbucks, but you just made it into your own thing. Once again, your word choice and sentence fluency were just phenomenal!All in all, I really have nothing bad to say about your first chapter. To me, it was near flawless. Grant it..I know everything needs work to be done to it, as no bit of writing is perfect. But for me and my eyes--I can't find a thing. And I do apologize for that because I know how nice a good critique can be, but just think of this as a compliment. This really is good writing. Trust me, I would bash you if it wasn't haha :) (in a nice way of course)This work seems to carry alot of emotional appeal to it, which makes it even appeal to adults as younger teens. You're dialogue carries nicely throughout as well. I'll try to get back to this tonight, as you have me completely hooked.Totally deserves a spot on my Pick's.I wish you the best with this!In God's Love, -Drowning.Silently.-
First I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to read this. Honestly I never expected anyone to like this and the fact that there are some of you who think Zander is really cool makes me happy. I really appreciate the criticism I've received as it has been so very helpful but to clear some things up there is one thing I have to mention since this has been stated several times.The beginning of my story he wakes up from a dream but this 'dream' is a crucial part of my story. It may not make sense now but later it's incorporated. Also the first portion of my is more political than action packed. What I mean is this part of the book is where battle lines are drawn, no one fights yet. So it will mostly consist of how the current relationships and ties Zander have lead him to make the decision he does in the future.I hope this helps a little with understanding my concept and I hope that you will bear with it to see what happens next!
My Review of Son of the Betrayer,Hey there, I’ll be critiquing chapter one for you. My first suggestion, is to change the way you open this story. I think that starting with a dream or a wake up scene is a mistake. If you are writing this just for the fun of it, then it might not be a problem, but if you are serious about publishing this, then it’ll have to change. You should always start a book when the action or the drama begins, or at least as close to that as possible. =) Taking a deep breath[,] I try to erase the feeling...Another thing I would suggest is removing the shower scene. I can’t tell you how many books I’ve read by budding writers (nonprofessional I mean) that start out with someone waking up, taking a shower, eating breakfast, and then going to school/work. In my opinion, that is all every day stuff we have to go through, and therefore, it is boring. If you want a fan base, then you have to learn to capture your reader’s attention right away... like snap. My attention has not been grabbed yet, but I hope it will by the end of this chapter. =) Another no-no is the mirror scene. It’s what editors call the ‘mirror method’ and it is greatly despised in the world of publishing. Find another way to show your characters appearance. Have him think about how he looks nothing like one of his parents, and then he can explain why, or have him think of his heritage by looking at a family keepsake. Then he can describe how his heritage affects his appearance. It is a bit harder, but it will pay off. “Oh[,] I’m soooo sorry for getting...” I’m noticing by now that you tend to use a lot of adverbs as well. Adverbs are words ending in ‘ly and are over used by amateur writers. I should know =P was once the queen of adverb over-usage. Hunt down as many of the adverbs as you can, and slay them. (Using a weapon of your own choosing. I prefer a battle axe myself) Okay, by the end of this chapter, you’ve definitely caught my attention. I’m curious now as to what will happen, but I almost wish there was even more action and drama in the first chapter. I think you have such a clever premise, but beginning your story is the hardest part of it all, and I hope you can figure it out. Let me know if I was helpful. Thanks.Carrie L McRaeThings that Break <— If you get the chance, could you check this out.
wrote 122 days ago
Hi! Here for the swap you requested. My thoughts, comments, and suggestions are below. I pretty much just jot down notes as I read. I hope they aren’t confusing. Remember, these are just suggestions so feel free to throw them out the window if you wish. :o)Chapter 1(Ha! I love the quote at the beginning. Nice opener!)(Right away I can tell that I’m going to love your writing style. You seem to choose your words carefully and they flow with such ease. Bravo!)(I’m noticing some missing commas here and there, but nothing a good proofing can’t/won’t fix.)…which is perfectly tolerable [as] long as no one or thing hinders my daily routine.(I like your MC’s sarcasm and humor. His little witty remarks make me smirk. Bravo!)“Oh[,] so basically you’re saying [that] I’ll never have to speak [to] you again in this life[,] or the next?Overall ThoughtsI’ll go ahead and tell you that I’m picking this because of your character development. I feel you’ve done an excellent job of fleshing out your MC. He has a big personality, and I like that. As others have stated before me, there are some grammatical/commas issues, but these can easily be fixed. Once corrected, they will definitely help the flow of the story. I think you have an original plot that really pulls the reader in. I have to make good on a couple of other swaps, but I’ll most certainly come back to this when I have more time. Thank you so much for sharing this with us on inkpop, and for requesting the swap. I can’t wait to see where the rest of this story takes me. Hope to hear from you soon. :o)Amy – Saving Elizabeth
Here for our swap for Chasing Normal."massaging the fading ache in my chest" wonderful lineLove the concept on why he talks out loud. The part about helping sort the bad ideas from the plausible ones. It's great and also gives us a glimpse into him as a character. nice. I am really liking your premise here. I think its fresh and so far, very well devoloped. I haven't read the whole thing, but I'm impressed so far. Your descriptions are nice and I like how you give us good detail on his actions. Good, strong start and I think this book has a lot of potential.
wrote 123 days ago
Hey I read chapter one.so far amazing plot. I love the idea you came up with. your an excellent writer and good at description:)keep up the good work.~Jasper
wrote 126 days ago
Heya! :)As promised, my notes as I went through:Just suggestions, feel free to dismiss.then[,] I still have...Watch 'telling' and not 'showing' Does that make sense? If not, let me know! :)body[,] I prepare...Don't fall into the [Doing this], [I did this] trap.[five] am[,] Thursday[,] January..wit[,] I make my...(always add your comma between your actions)Ditch the adverbs! You don't want them.Japanese[,] half German...face[.] I run...myself[;] I feel...Geez[,] didn't you...Oh[,] so[,] basically[,] you're...Toward the middle, I think you're giving a lot of unneeded information. It slows the story a bit. Delete whatever the reader can be shown and whatever the reader doesn't need to know.Hey[,] boss!Hey[,] Zoran...Zoran[,] go homeHello[,] ma'am...Commas before and/or after with names or nicknames like I fixed above.half [???] & half milk...[blonde] hair...I'm wondering if you're packing too much into a first chapter. Just a thought for you.Overall:You have an unique premise here and it's coming along well. Your main character is good and developed, and you give good detail. However, your biggest problem is with info-dumps and telling. Show the reader what's happening. Also, you're missing a lot of your commas, so watch that. Other than that, you have great potential here. Good work! :)
wrote 186 days ago
Wow. This is really interesting so far. It's really.....busy, if that makes sense. So much happening, like. I had to really concentrate, but I have a short attention span anyway...Anyways, I really like this. I'm adding it to my watch list :)Well done. I'll be back to read more soon :)T x
wrote 207 days ago
Hullo! I finally got around to reading a bit of this. So here's my critique.Zander seems to be a very well-developed character. He has a definite personality, and he acts according to that personality. He doesn't need any prompting along by the author; he speaks and acts for himself. By the first chapter, I already felt I knew him very well. Good job with him! In addition, your story is very intriguing. You do an excellent job reeling the reader in right away with an exciting hook, and then reeling them in even further with Alexis's mysterious conversation and the "old" man in the alley. Really good job with that. I also like your foreshadowing with the news report about dragons supposedly appearing, and Zander wishing life was more like a video game. I can see that there is something exciting and riveting building in the future. In addition, you seem to have developed your own writing style, and you consistently stick to it. Keep that up! The author's voice is always extremely important, because how you tell the story can change the whole feel of a book.Now here's where I get nitpicky. While your descriptions are vivid, your dialogue is just a little hard to follow. I find myself having a little trouble trying to figure out what the characters are trying to convey. Sometimes it feels forced, like they're not sure what they mean but they're compelled to say it anyway. Loosen up on them a little. Let them speak on their own, instead of trying to force them along a specific path. Instead of thinking, "What do I want Zander to say here?", ask yourself what he would say if he were a real person. It will improve the dialogue so much and smooth out those bumps.Secondly, follow my golden rule of writing: show me, don't tell me. Often, you simply tell the reader what people are like, such as the woman in Starbucks who keeps making incomplete orders. You outright tell me she is arrogant, instead of letting her speech and actions show it. Try demonstrating how she is arrogant instead of stating it. Experiment a little and develop your own style of showing instead of telling.And lastly, I noticed that you seem to have a slight problem with commas. There are quite a few places that need commas to break up the continuous stream of dialogue or description, and even some that need periods. I would suggest you follow Zander's own advice and say everything aloud. Try reading some of your writing aloud to yourself to see where the commas should fall. It will make the reading so much more professional.Anywho, that's about all I have for now. Over all, good job! With a little work, this could easily become a very intriguing (and very well-written) story.~Tori, HealedMyWingsThe Game of War
wrote 208 days ago
You're a good writer and I love the way you give details that pulls your readers in and captivates them. For one, I am captivated. I like your style. I agree with other comments below that your writing needs some editing here and there but personally to me it was nothing I found too distracting.
I love the concept but I think you're writing could use a little work. You can make this story awesome with some editing but otherwise I was totally pulled into the plot.
wrote 209 days ago
Your book so far has been a fun read and the integration of the King Arthur legend is a cool idea. Of course, since it’s the beginning of the story, so we don’t get much of the mythology yet. I love Zander’s voice and character in this. He plays video games but I guess life is about to get fantastical. I really like the history among the four friends of getting into trouble when they were in school. Troublemakers. (The part about the Devilish Desserts makes me laugh.)Some grammar stuff:Ch 1Sometimes you separate Starbucks into 2 words.You’re missing a word in: “Ummm ma’am what kind of drink would like?”It should be “lie” not “lay” in: I lay in bed reflecting on the strange events that happened…It should be “lie” not “lay” in: Tossing it on my dresser I lay back down and finally drift off to sleep.Ch 2It should be “is” not “was” in: Behind Jenna was Jeremy her twin brother who protects her…“i” should be capitalized in: I can think of nothing to say; i mean what can I say?“i” should be capitalized in: In this world that is so unforgiving i can say nothing to my friend.“i” should be capitalized in: “See you guys later, and Jenna, i want you to feel better…”Ch 3It should be “captures” not “captured” in: The pudgy stout man in front of me captured my attention…It should be “hurry” not “hurried” in: I hurried fling it open hoping for the answers I’m seeking.Throughout the 3 chapters, you have some run-on sentences.If you can check out either of my books SUMMER FRIENDS or DARK DREAMER, your choice, that’ll be awesome. You can read a couple of chapters :)
wrote 210 days ago
You have an interesting concept going on here. Bringing up Merlyn and all the other baddies from the past, into the present. I read your first chapter. Here are the things I have to say:First, I saw you missed a few words in this particular sentence: "Oh(comma) you're basically saying I won't have to speak (to) you ever again?...."Second, if your character has an inner thought, perhaps put it in italics?Third, I see that you have some grammatical errors that are quite minor (missing commas, semicolons, a few missing words) I would suggest you skim over it, spot it and fix it =) Your tenses are on target, though lol--Dezi
Finish reading the first two chapters. The main fault I found was not the character, or the opening, but rather the connection to the reader. Why should we care about this guy? The girl who cleans up is a cause for concern- perhaps you could introduce her sooner and provide a flashback for the even in the morning, along with the dreams that are still on his mind- perhaps even in the same conversation about death. Overall it sounds like a very interesting concept- and I can see where this is going pretty clearly. In addition, a little more information about the Mc's grandfather should be introduced so it doesn't seem so... random. However, I do love the very last line of the second chapter- by all means, save that part!Looking forward to reading more, so keep writing!Sincerely,Cipherqueen, author of Stabbing Shadows
Ok, this caught my attention in the pitch - and I am very intrigued by the concept you have going here so I think there is a lot of potential.Unfortunately for me the opening just didn't grab my attention - I really think that you need to try and draw the reader in more. As it is - appart from a strange dream (and we all have those sometimes) - it is simply a slightly dull account of someone's morning. With the showering and then sitting and playing his Playstation. Once he gets to work it picks up a bit - so I would suggest starting closer to the trigger. Stasis at the begining of a novel doesn't need to drag on - in fact it can just be implied - and the sooner you hit the trigger the better.The other issue I have is a completely personal one. I hate present tense stories. I just find them awkward to read and I don't really get into them. That is entirely personal choice - but I know that I have never brought a book written in the present tense - or even read a whole novel in present tense. With that in mind I also noticed a few small points where you slip out of present and into past.However, all that aside I do like this. So I'm going to keep it on my watchlist for now, and come back and read it again - a second read through might change my mind.
Okay, done with Ch. 1! Alrighty, please don't take anything I say as negative, it's not!! at all! It's just constructive criticism. :) Throughout my reading I kept thinking the same things 'this could really be an awesome story if it flowed smoother!' There were countless places in here that could be tightened up, I'll give you an example so you know what I mean.- "He simply looks at me and flashes me a smile you only see in the toothpaste commercials." Now, this is how I think it would flow smoother-"He simply looks at me, flashing a smile only seen in toothpaste commercials." That's just one way. I don't have any faults on the characters, imagery, or storyline. It's all GREAT! I hope this helps, and like I said PLEASE don't take this negatively. I hope it helps :)-Loryn
This came to my attention in the beginning. "It was only a dream I tell myself."-I would either add a comma after "dream" or switch the sentence around, "I tell myself it was only a dream." The description really pulls you in in the beginning. Well done! Also, when I was reading, I noticed you are missing a few commas in places that the reader would normally pause, for example, before "massaging", but there were many more in the first few paragraphs. It just caused me to reread some sentences to get their flow correctly. I LOVE how clear the MC's emotions are though :) I'm only a little ways through chapter one....(I'm trying to squeeze in a little bit of reading between work haha) so I'll be back for more in a little while! Thanks so much for the comment on my book, I really appreciate it! I'm going to try to get through all of your chapters today.-Loryn
wrote 211 days ago
Wow! You're a really good writer! I read the first chapter and besides some grammatical (mostly punctuation) errors, I really enjoyed it! It's a very cool idea! I can't really picture the main character in my head...half Japanese, half German, silver hair? LOL. I love your descriptions and how he converses with himself. If I have time, I'll come abck to the other two chapters later...I have an open spot on my Picks so i'll add you, cuz I like your writing.Would you please check out my short story, "Just Us"?Thanks!J
wrote 213 days ago
Yes! Finally chapter 3! I like how you aren't rushing through this. I know that if I were you, I would be wanting to get to the climax of this story as fast as I could, at the moment you're giving us the basics and still leaving us in the dark. Which is a good thing, makes it mysterious. Yet at the same time you're not boring the reader by taking too long getting to the exciting stuff. All in all, you've set a nice pace for this book. p.s. I love the new cover and intro in chapter one. :)
I love your characters and the story plot is very creative. I also like how you thread some detail into the story. It's like a colorful quilt just waiting to be finished:) Job done well.
First of all, I love your characterization. It's very obvious who your character is and I think that later on in the book the character's mood changes will be awesome!!! Second, I like the idea. It's fantasy without being shoved in your face. Third, my only criticism is that sometimes you have places that should be separate sentences for emphasis. But...they could just be some fixable grammar issues that don't matter, and I hate when people point those out, so if you really want to know where they are just message me and I'd be glad to. And if you'd check out mine to that'd be great. Thanks for posting yours, I love it!
So far I love it! I'm so glad you asked me to read this. I love the whole "king author descendant" idea. It's one of those things that is in the back of everyones ambition list because you all know, everyone wishes there were heros like that today to take down the immoral people leading us. so this really lets us imagine what that would be like.
wrote 222 days ago
I've only read the first page so fat but I love it so far. There are some small grammar mistakes here and there but overall it's great! I love the idea of silver harir, just letting you know lol. Keep up the good work. I'll be back to finish it for sure :)
i like it! I love how you described items such as the neckalace. Did you read all of C.D. Verhoffs' comment? back to what i was saying the images just popped right into my head i like that!!! Great job!! :)
wrote 223 days ago
I have to admit I started reading this thinking to myself... what on earth is going on. After a few paragraphs I started to skim a bit (sorry) but then I realised that the first couple of pages were just a dream, and thought well thanks be to god for that. Don't get me wrong, your write beautifully and have such wonderful style and indepth lushious descriptions, it is truly a thing of beauty, but its too much too soon. I felt nothing for the charactor and could not empathise with him, as I didn't know him.When I got to the bit where he woke up... now, that for me was where the story began. It started to flow and it was familiar and your character startedto develop as a real person.My advice would be either ditch the dream sequence or hold it until after we have got to know your MC. If you really want to keep the dream at the start, I'd seperate it from the first chapter and have it as a prologue.Great writing and love where this story is going. It has a lot of potential. All the best.Leigh
Very well done story, it's a little rough right now, but there is a massive mount of potential. The core idea is great and I can't wait to see further development. Your writing style is nice and you do lend a personal voice to the narrator that I really like. The descriptions you use are beautiful, but you did a lot more of "telling" the reader, rather than "showing". That's something I think all writers struggle with, and fixing it really just come from writing even more. Much of the things I noticed, like the minor anachronisms and the dream scene, were already mentioned by C.D Verhoff, so I won't repeat them. But I do agree that the dream scene would be better placed a little later in your book; not that I didn't love it! Aside from some minor grammatical errors (run on sentences mostly), you have a very good piece on your hands. I'll be adding this to my picks list, and I look forward to an update! Please notify when you do update!Cheers!-sila
wrote 224 days ago
Good description! It's a good read fer sure. Some of your sentences were over-run, so that made it a little hard to read. I've only read the first page, but i'll check back later!
This has potential. I love your discriptions, and the idea of this story. Your characters are portrayed very well, and I will enoy seeing them develope throughout the story. Please let me know when you post more! :)
Wow. I don't think I can write a comment quite as long as C.D Verhoff, but I do want to say that this is very well written the imagery just pops off the pages. Great narration and over all concept. Excellent job.
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