inkpop: Son of the Betrayer - The descendants of the Knights of the Round Table band together to save the world from a returned evil.

Squirrel<3

wrote 14 days ago

Wow. This is really interesting so far. It's really.....busy, if that makes sense. So much happening, like. I had to really concentrate, but I have a short attention span anyway...
Anyways, I really like this. I'm adding it to my watch list :)
Well done. I'll be back to read more soon :)
T x

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HealedMyWings

wrote 35 days ago

Hullo! I finally got around to reading a bit of this. So here's my critique.

Zander seems to be a very well-developed character. He has a definite personality, and he acts according to that personality. He doesn't need any prompting along by the author; he speaks and acts for himself. By the first chapter, I already felt I knew him very well. Good job with him! In addition, your story is very intriguing. You do an excellent job reeling the reader in right away with an exciting hook, and then reeling them in even further with Alexis's mysterious conversation and the "old" man in the alley. Really good job with that. I also like your foreshadowing with the news report about dragons supposedly appearing, and Zander wishing life was more like a video game. I can see that there is something exciting and riveting building in the future. In addition, you seem to have developed your own writing style, and you consistently stick to it. Keep that up! The author's voice is always extremely important, because how you tell the story can change the whole feel of a book.

Now here's where I get nitpicky. While your descriptions are vivid, your dialogue is just a little hard to follow. I find myself having a little trouble trying to figure out what the characters are trying to convey. Sometimes it feels forced, like they're not sure what they mean but they're compelled to say it anyway. Loosen up on them a little. Let them speak on their own, instead of trying to force them along a specific path. Instead of thinking, "What do I want Zander to say here?", ask yourself what he would say if he were a real person. It will improve the dialogue so much and smooth out those bumps.
Secondly, follow my golden rule of writing: show me, don't tell me. Often, you simply tell the reader what people are like, such as the woman in Starbucks who keeps making incomplete orders. You outright tell me she is arrogant, instead of letting her speech and actions show it. Try demonstrating how she is arrogant instead of stating it. Experiment a little and develop your own style of showing instead of telling.
And lastly, I noticed that you seem to have a slight problem with commas. There are quite a few places that need commas to break up the continuous stream of dialogue or description, and even some that need periods. I would suggest you follow Zander's own advice and say everything aloud. Try reading some of your writing aloud to yourself to see where the commas should fall. It will make the reading so much more professional.

Anywho, that's about all I have for now. Over all, good job! With a little work, this could easily become a very intriguing (and very well-written) story.

~Tori, HealedMyWings
The Game of War

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XochGarcia

wrote 35 days ago

You're a good writer and I love the way you give details that pulls your readers in and captivates them. For one, I am captivated. I like your style. I agree with other comments below that your writing needs some editing here and there but personally to me it was nothing I found too distracting.

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Bobbie Jo Kolenda

wrote 36 days ago

I love the concept but I think you're writing could use a little work. You can make this story awesome with some editing but otherwise I was totally pulled into the plot.

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cyc

wrote 37 days ago

Your book so far has been a fun read and the integration of the King Arthur legend is a cool idea. Of course, since it’s the beginning of the story, so we don’t get much of the mythology yet. I love Zander’s voice and character in this. He plays video games but I guess life is about to get fantastical. I really like the history among the four friends of getting into trouble when they were in school. Troublemakers. (The part about the Devilish Desserts makes me laugh.)

Some grammar stuff:

Ch 1
Sometimes you separate Starbucks into 2 words.
You’re missing a word in: “Ummm ma’am what kind of drink would like?”
It should be “lie” not “lay” in: I lay in bed reflecting on the strange events that happened…
It should be “lie” not “lay” in: Tossing it on my dresser I lay back down and finally drift off to sleep.

Ch 2
It should be “is” not “was” in: Behind Jenna was Jeremy her twin brother who protects her…
“i” should be capitalized in: I can think of nothing to say; i mean what can I say?
“i” should be capitalized in: In this world that is so unforgiving i can say nothing to my friend.
“i” should be capitalized in: “See you guys later, and Jenna, i want you to feel better…”

Ch 3
It should be “captures” not “captured” in: The pudgy stout man in front of me captured my attention…
It should be “hurry” not “hurried” in: I hurried fling it open hoping for the answers I’m seeking.

Throughout the 3 chapters, you have some run-on sentences.

If you can check out either of my books SUMMER FRIENDS or DARK DREAMER, your choice, that’ll be awesome. You can read a couple of chapters :)

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Islandess

wrote 37 days ago

You have an interesting concept going on here. Bringing up Merlyn and all the other baddies from the past, into the present. I read your first chapter. Here are the things I have to say:

First, I saw you missed a few words in this particular sentence: "Oh(comma) you're basically saying I won't have to speak (to) you ever again?...."

Second, if your character has an inner thought, perhaps put it in italics?

Third, I see that you have some grammatical errors that are quite minor (missing commas, semicolons, a few missing words) I would suggest you skim over it, spot it and fix it =) Your tenses are on target, though lol

--Dezi

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cipherqueen

wrote 37 days ago

Finish reading the first two chapters. The main fault I found was not the character, or the opening, but rather the connection to the reader. Why should we care about this guy? The girl who cleans up is a cause for concern- perhaps you could introduce her sooner and provide a flashback for the even in the morning, along with the dreams that are still on his mind- perhaps even in the same conversation about death. Overall it sounds like a very interesting concept- and I can see where this is going pretty clearly. In addition, a little more information about the Mc's grandfather should be introduced so it doesn't seem so... random. However, I do love the very last line of the second chapter- by all means, save that part!
Looking forward to reading more, so keep writing!
Sincerely,

Cipherqueen, author of Stabbing Shadows

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Jinxy

wrote 38 days ago

Ok, this caught my attention in the pitch - and I am very intrigued by the concept you have going here so I think there is a lot of potential.

Unfortunately for me the opening just didn't grab my attention - I really think that you need to try and draw the reader in more. As it is - appart from a strange dream (and we all have those sometimes) - it is simply a slightly dull account of someone's morning. With the showering and then sitting and playing his Playstation. Once he gets to work it picks up a bit - so I would suggest starting closer to the trigger. Stasis at the begining of a novel doesn't need to drag on - in fact it can just be implied - and the sooner you hit the trigger the better.

The other issue I have is a completely personal one. I hate present tense stories. I just find them awkward to read and I don't really get into them. That is entirely personal choice - but I know that I have never brought a book written in the present tense - or even read a whole novel in present tense. With that in mind I also noticed a few small points where you slip out of present and into past.

However, all that aside I do like this. So I'm going to keep it on my watchlist for now, and come back and read it again - a second read through might change my mind.

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LorynMarie

wrote 38 days ago

Okay, done with Ch. 1!
Alrighty, please don't take anything I say as negative, it's not!! at all! It's just constructive criticism. :) Throughout my reading I kept thinking the same things 'this could really be an awesome story if it flowed smoother!' There were countless places in here that could be tightened up, I'll give you an example so you know what I mean.- "He simply looks at me and flashes me a smile you only see in the toothpaste commercials." Now, this is how I think it would flow smoother-"He simply looks at me, flashing a smile only seen in toothpaste commercials." That's just one way. I don't have any faults on the characters, imagery, or storyline. It's all GREAT! I hope this helps, and like I said PLEASE don't take this negatively. I hope it helps :)

-Loryn

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LorynMarie

wrote 38 days ago

This came to my attention in the beginning. "It was only a dream I tell myself."-I would either add a comma after "dream" or switch the sentence around, "I tell myself it was only a dream." The description really pulls you in in the beginning. Well done! Also, when I was reading, I noticed you are missing a few commas in places that the reader would normally pause, for example, before "massaging", but there were many more in the first few paragraphs. It just caused me to reread some sentences to get their flow correctly. I LOVE how clear the MC's emotions are though :) I'm only a little ways through chapter one....(I'm trying to squeeze in a little bit of reading between work haha) so I'll be back for more in a little while! Thanks so much for the comment on my book, I really appreciate it! I'm going to try to get through all of your chapters today.

-Loryn

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Juliet Steele

wrote 39 days ago

Wow! You're a really good writer! I read the first chapter and besides some grammatical (mostly punctuation) errors, I really enjoyed it! It's a very cool idea! I can't really picture the main character in my head...half Japanese, half German, silver hair? LOL. I love your descriptions and how he converses with himself. If I have time, I'll come abck to the other two chapters later...I have an open spot on my Picks so i'll add you, cuz I like your writing.
Would you please check out my short story, "Just Us"?
Thanks!
J

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Jewel Song

wrote 40 days ago

Yes! Finally chapter 3! I like how you aren't rushing through this. I know that if I were you, I would be wanting to get to the climax of this story as fast as I could, at the moment you're giving us the basics and still leaving us in the dark. Which is a good thing, makes it mysterious. Yet at the same time you're not boring the reader by taking too long getting to the exciting stuff. All in all, you've set a nice pace for this book.
p.s. I love the new cover and intro in chapter one. :)

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Danna Wilson

wrote 41 days ago

I love your characters and the story plot is very creative. I also like how you thread some detail into the story. It's like a colorful quilt just waiting to be finished:) Job done well.

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september795

wrote 41 days ago

First of all, I love your characterization. It's very obvious who your character is and I think that later on in the book the character's mood changes will be awesome!!! Second, I like the idea. It's fantasy without being shoved in your face. Third, my only criticism is that sometimes you have places that should be separate sentences for emphasis. But...they could just be some fixable grammar issues that don't matter, and I hate when people point those out, so if you really want to know where they are just message me and I'd be glad to. And if you'd check out mine to that'd be great. Thanks for posting yours, I love it!

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september795

wrote 41 days ago

First of all, I love your characterization. It's very obvious who your character is and I think that later on in the book the character's mood changes will be awesome!!! Second, I like the idea. It's fantasy without being shoved in your face. Third, my only criticism is that sometimes you have places that should be separate sentences for emphasis. But...they could just be some fixable grammar issues that don't matter, and I hate when people point those out, so if you really want to know where they are just message me and I'd be glad to. And if you'd check out mine to that'd be great. Thanks for posting yours, I love it!

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Beautifully Inked

wrote 41 days ago

So far I love it! I'm so glad you asked me to read this. I love the whole "king author descendant" idea. It's one of those things that is in the back of everyones ambition list because you all know, everyone wishes there were heros like that today to take down the immoral people leading us. so this really lets us imagine what that would be like.

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QC

wrote 49 days ago

I've only read the first page so fat but I love it so far. There are some small grammar mistakes here and there but overall it's great! I love the idea of silver harir, just letting you know lol. Keep up the good work. I'll be back to finish it for sure :)

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Dustfinger101

wrote 50 days ago

i like it! I love how you described items such as the neckalace. Did you read all of C.D. Verhoffs' comment? back to what i was saying the images just popped right into my head i like that!!! Great job!! :)

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Leigh Fallon

wrote 50 days ago

I have to admit I started reading this thinking to myself... what on earth is going on. After a few paragraphs I started to skim a bit (sorry) but then I realised that the first couple of pages were just a dream, and thought well thanks be to god for that.
Don't get me wrong, your write beautifully and have such wonderful style and indepth lushious descriptions, it is truly a thing of beauty, but its too much too soon. I felt nothing for the charactor and could not empathise with him, as I didn't know him.
When I got to the bit where he woke up... now, that for me was where the story began. It started to flow and it was familiar and your character startedto develop as a real person.
My advice would be either ditch the dream sequence or hold it until after we have got to know your MC. If you really want to keep the dream at the start, I'd seperate it from the first chapter and have it as a prologue.

Great writing and love where this story is going. It has a lot of potential.
All the best.
Leigh

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Sila

wrote 51 days ago

Very well done story, it's a little rough right now, but there is a massive mount of potential. The core idea is great and I can't wait to see further development. Your writing style is nice and you do lend a personal voice to the narrator that I really like. The descriptions you use are beautiful, but you did a lot more of "telling" the reader, rather than "showing". That's something I think all writers struggle with, and fixing it really just come from writing even more. Much of the things I noticed, like the minor anachronisms and the dream scene, were already mentioned by C.D Verhoff, so I won't repeat them. But I do agree that the dream scene would be better placed a little later in your book; not that I didn't love it! Aside from some minor grammatical errors (run on sentences mostly), you have a very good piece on your hands.

I'll be adding this to my picks list, and I look forward to an update! Please notify when you do update!

Cheers!

-sila

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Shadowswolf

wrote 51 days ago

Good description! It's a good read fer sure. Some of your sentences were over-run, so that made it a little hard to read. I've only read the first page, but i'll check back later!

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Jewel Song

wrote 51 days ago

This has potential. I love your discriptions, and the idea of this story. Your characters are portrayed very well, and I will enoy seeing them develope throughout the story. Please let me know when you post more! :)

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Lector

wrote 51 days ago

Wow. I don't think I can write a comment quite as long as C.D Verhoff, but I do want to say that this is very well written the imagery just pops off the pages. Great narration and over all concept. Excellent job.

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Lector

wrote 51 days ago

Wow. I don't think I can write a comment quite as long as C.D Verhoff, but I do want to say that this is very well written the imagery just pops off the pages. Great narration and over all concept. Excellent job.

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C. D. Verhoff

wrote 52 days ago

I hope you don't mind a no-holds barred critique. Keep in mind I'm no writing guru, just a very opinionated woman, so apply my advice at your own risk. I hope my honesty and stupidity don't offend you. Here I go.

I think it's a mistake to start with the dream. I'm not saying ditch it (no way, it's too good to get rid of), just move it to a later place in the story. The problem with the dream as an opener is it doesn't orient the reader to the "here and now" of the story. In fact, its misleading because Reader thinks she's opened a book set in the days of sword slinger, Medieval times, but at the end she's told it's a all a dream. The story doesn't even take place in medieval times, but in modern days. What the heck? she'll say, feeling confused. You might think readers enjoy the surprise, but they won't, they'll feel like they were jerked around. "Man, it was just a stupid dream and I got all emotionally involved for nothing." And the last thing you want to do is irritate the reader at the get go. Also, I think the dream gives away too much too soon. Sure, you have to give a hint at things to come in the opener, but this was too in-your-face. Try a more subtle approach, giving the readers a slice of bread at a time, instead of dropping whole loaves on their heads.

My advice is approach chapter 1 with the mindset the reader hasn't seen the book cover or the blurb. This means you must display props in the story to clue in the Reader in on time, location, culture and maybe even the planet where the story is happening. The dream can't do this effectively, so it's best to start elsewhere.

I didn't know it was a dream. I thought the story was set in Medeival times until the toilet paper reference. Since there was no such thing as toilet paper in those times I thought maybe it was an anachronism or I was totally missing something. In the dream, when you're describing the guy in armor walking through the city, I didn't know what to picture. Is this a Medieval city or a modern one? So place some description to set the time and place. Castle or skyscraper? Lanterns or traffic lights? Pavement or cobble stones? I assumed this was a knight of old walking through an ancient city, and then BAM, I'm seeing alarm clocks. Oops, I said to myself. Do I need to go back and repicture the knight walking through a city like Chicago or something? This meant I had to suspend the whole scene in my mind, tucking it away in a gray void, until I got more information. Honestly, I still don't know if I should have pictured the night in an ancient city or a modern one. As a reader, that bothers me.

Onto my next item. BEGIN THE STORY AS CLOSE TO THE END AS POSSIBLE. This means begin as close to the conflict as you can. In my humble opinion, the conflict begins when the girl walks into the coffee shop ans asks, "What if you were offered the world, would you take it?" Based on that, if this was my baby, I'd start it slightly before that scene, perhaps in the break room. A bit of physical description is given (without him looking in the mirror), while Zander on his break after a busy day, enjoying his favorite pasttime (video games). It helps him NOT to think about his ex-girl friend who moved out of his apartment last week and broke his heart (get the reader to feel sorry for him). The other employees calling him boss (to establish his place in the heirarchy for the readers) and he get's mad (hint at his personality trait, bad temper), then regrets that he was too hard on "the kid". A customer comes in, so he stops what he's doing to wait on her. And by the end of page one or two, the girl delivers the strange question. WHAM, now the story is rolling. Just an idea to get the creative juices flowing.

Your prose need tightening in places, and one minor thing. The dream opens with the sun rising, but as the knight watches it, he's wondering if it's the last sunSET he'll ever see. Shouldn't he be wondering if it's the last sunRISE?

Anyway, even though I yammered on and on about ways to improve, you've done a lot of things right. The dream is good, just in the wrong place. I adore the hook with the girl asking the profound question, but I think it came too late in the story. You have a super main character and an ingenius plotline, but the good is getting bogged down in clutter. Trim it away and your strengths will shine through.

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Malcolm J

wrote 52 days ago

i like the way u just go to the climax part of the story and draw me into what u are trying to get across to the reader keep up the good work i will be coming back for more to read so don't stop now

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Born to blossom; Blom to perish

wrote 52 days ago

I have always been a King Arthur fan, so you had my attention with the description you gave me. I just want to say that I like the first chapter and part of the second.
Anyway, lets not get mushy, Grammar errors. Clean up the errors and, like icedcaffeine said, choppy sentences. Please edit this and tell me so I can enjoy it at full force.
Good job on catching my attention and realistic dialogue.

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icedcaffeine

wrote 52 days ago

I'm midway through the first chapter, it's great so far, it's got a load of potential but before I forget I want to point out that you have a lot of grammatical errors and choppy sentences. I'm assuming this is a rough version so you can probably go in and edit those sentences. I would try and combine sentences, make them more complex and use your commas properly. People suggest this to me all the time and I'm going to suggest this to you too: show, don't tell, especially with describing all of the characters in the very beginning.

adding to my watch so I can keep reading

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IntoTheWoods

wrote 52 days ago

Alrighty,
1. I loved how you started out with a quote. Drew me into the story even more.
2. Maam should be spelt like Ma'am
3. Silver hair, cool!
4.Great dialouge, helped me get into the story even more.

Usually, I can find SOMETHING to critisize or something that can be improved in a story. But this is just awesome!

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MIC

wrote 53 days ago

“Where fire and blood have not dulled it from the battles of before”---liked this

“It’s like you never appreciate something until it’s too late to be appreciated”---this is good, true

“I barely notice the disturbance of the silence around me “---liked this

“Trying to ingrain there very being into my memory”---this is great writing wise, and story telling wise

Ooo … Jenna sounds cool …

“Sliding farther and farther away to a place I am not ready to go”---good

Ooo … cool! Silver hair!

“Too bad my life isn’t like a video game, then maybe I’d be more interested in life”---nice

“A hollow smile”—good

“I bare my teeth like a shark going in for the kill”----nice

“I wish they would stop ad-libbing and stick to the cue cards”---hah! Loved this

“The silver light casts deep dark shadows; it’s almost hypnotizing”—liked this

“I refused to be played for a fool any longer”---good

Intriguing necklace …

This is great! I like Zander. I like his negativity ... hhmm, that's not the right word ... his hard core ... but I love the hope that he feels ... that there's something out there, waiting for him. Makes us want to live his adventure with him--which is great. Good writing, loving the humor laced throughout, good intrigue with the story development ... really great work! ~Morgan:)

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