inkpop: The Master's Muse - Some sleep and leave our world; they leave and go to Lore. One girl will never wake up.

Maddie11

wrote 42 days ago

I swear, there are not words to describe this. Stunning, incredible, beautifully written come to mind... and also, WHY IS THIS NOT PUBLISHED???
But I digress.

In terms of editing, you have the important things down-- dialogue, plot flow, characters, and tone. I love the way you craft words-- it's almost like an art. You make it so easy to find the words... for example, the "alluring dance" or "struggle in his eyes" or "cherrywood clock." Simple adjectives and images like that kept my eyes completely glued to the page.

Ari is such an unusual name for a girl, but you don't make her a Mary-Sue or any of the dreaded "typical" characters. You flesh her out extrordinarily (sp?) well and leave us wanting to know more about her... I loved the scene you chose to open with, the parents fighting about their daughter being a "seer." I was engrossed by the first line and you never let go... the constant mystery and intrigue made this an enjoyable read.

I agree with Katie Follinus, "You say so much, without revealing much at all. It keep us on our toes." You pin emotions so well and make the characters so relatable, even the smaller ones.

I didn't actually notice any grammar errors... but I was reading so fast because I wanted to know what happened :) I feel like I was completely part of their world, and I read through most of Lore and had to force myself to stop to leave you a comment haha.

Sorry it took me awhile to get to your book-- hope this makes up for it. I'm definitely putting this on my picks! And love the title change, by the way. Although it did make it hard to find it again haha =) Great job!!!

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Broadway Baby

wrote 43 days ago

Utter brilliance from start to finish. I'm generally not into fantasy. In fact, I pretty much hate it. But I have to say I am extremely impressed with your work.

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Katie Follinus

wrote 47 days ago

I know we agreed to swap only three chapters, but I may have read five thus far... Aside from some minor spelling, grammar errors, hun, I can find no flaw with The Master's Muse. I like the speed and tone of the overall story, the sense of excitement and wonder which turns to foreboding and the unknown. And I must say, being a "villain starving for knowledge and beauty" fan, I loved your intro very much! You've said no more than a paragraph in total about Vox so far, but I find myself in love with the mere idea of him... not to mention my immediate soft spot for Echo!

Ari is a really well constructed character in the sense that you've captured the confusion, the temper and mixed emotions of the stereotypical teen girl. Ari isn't like everyone else, but at the same time, she's still just a girl trying to understand herself and the world around her. I like Conner's character as well, as minor as he appears. The grunge, the long hair; the eternal artist! He's a good companion for the wayward and constantly dreaming heroine.

I also love the way you've built Ari's parents, Emily & Brian. They are completely dull, boring and tedius characters, but they are so very relatable. They are just like real parents. When their child is threatened, they lose their individuality, they become a unit, part irrational out of fear, part strength out of love.

All in all, The Master's Muse is fantastic thus far. You say so much, without revealing much at all. It keeps us on our toes!

I will definitely be reading further, and will get back to you with more feedback! :)

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MissMaddyMarie

wrote 2 days ago

Picked. This should be finished, published, given a movie deal, and then win an Oscar for best original score. I've got no complaints about it, minus a few spelling mistakes, but that's technical stuff. Fanfreakingtastic.

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L.C.Candle

wrote 19 days ago

I regret having gotten this so late for this is a fantastic piece. Your imagery is terrific, and obviously you are passionate about your writing, I can feel that while reading this and that's what gets me sucked in. The mystery and suspense in the beginning, especially how the dialogue flows along so smoothly. I feel like I should be watching a movie or actually reading this in paperback. You've perfected the art of showing instead of telling which I find to be especially troubling with most writers on this site. It isn't even as if your story is literary fiction, it's an actual story, one that I want to read and one that showcases your writing. I really encourage you to begin looking for an agent, because even if you don't make it to the editorial's board you have a gosh darn terrific chance of winding up in Barnes and Nobels. This story actually reminds me of A Great and Terrible Beauty if you've ever read that series....But if you don't, never fear, it's a compliment along with the many I still have to give. I'd like to point out your characters, they jump off the page. I don't no if I necessarily like your transition of her waking up, but by this point I'm so enthralled that I really don't think it even matters. That's what you want, if you can catch the reader in the beginning, any discrepancies throughout the rest of the story will be forgotten (well, unless they are absolutely terrible...) I'd actually like to point out the same thing that Maddie11 mentioned. Whenever I see characters that have those weird names, I'm thinking 'Oh gosh, here it comes, a story of a girl who is perfect and unique in every single way' but you pulled through and completely shocked me. You made Ari's character, you made her very real. I didn't notice any errors either, which means that either I read too fast, or they just do not exist. Your hard work, it really shows.

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ScarletDraven10712

wrote 20 days ago

Wow...all I can say is I am a LORE ADDICT!
your descriptions...personalities of charactors...setting..storyline...incredible!!
i can't say much else...to be honest. I'm captivated!

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MissMaddyMarie

wrote 30 days ago

Okay, I've only read the first chapter so far, but I have to admit, this is some of the best fantasy I've read in a while. I'll fully critique it when I finish, but in the meantime, DANG. XD

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TomW

wrote 31 days ago

Comments on Chapter 10...

I can only offer specific observations on word choice, rather than plot and characterisation, of course.

...and then another appeared... - do you mean another mermaid? It's a bit confusing, this sentence.

How do we know the third mermaid is gesturing to Echo if she's sitting alongside Ari?

gaze FIXED - would be better.

Adverbs... wearily, softly, eagerly - try and lose a few, let the words/actions of the characters show the reader the character's feelings, or use better verbs/adjectives. "Paused momentarily" - don't need the momentarily, a pause is usually brief - you might, however, note a long pause...

"Walking gracefully" could be "glidingd" or some such.

Good stuff, of course, and to go on my pick list when a slot opens.

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Living Pearl

wrote 31 days ago

i've only read the first chapter so far, but its encaptivating! you have such a way with words :)

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Linznboots

wrote 31 days ago

I'm not a big fan of SciFi, but this is really interesting! Nice job!:) Maybe you could check out June?
lovelovelove,
Lindsay :)

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cipherqueen

wrote 31 days ago

Sounds really interesting from the summary! Will be reading on...

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cyc

wrote 32 days ago

on my picks :)

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polarbearprincess4991

wrote 33 days ago

This is incredible! Lore is so well-thought out that I'm a total believer. I love how you tied in writers and artists getting their ideas from Lore. I didn't notice any grammar errors as well, so that's a plus! I'm on ch. six, but I'm coming back for more later! Cheers! -L-

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Bludgeoned

wrote 33 days ago

Wow, great flow and character adaption. Really interesting how things end up happening, different than how my mind plays things out. Stop by and check out my (short) work in progress http://inkpop.com/projects/20285/the-childsnatcher-/ thanks!

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cyc

wrote 34 days ago

This has been such an exciting and fun read. You’ve created a beautiful world of Lore, and your descriptions in your writing are really vivid and beautiful. Echo’s dialogue is pretty great, and I love his interaction with Ari. Ari loves him…I wonder would he come to Earth to be with her…
I’m curious on why Vox is obsessed with her. It’ll be interesting to see him against his siblings b/c he wants her alive and they want the opposite.

Will go on my picks soon :)

Corrections:

Ch 2
“…Your screams encouraged it, ‘twas only a youngling,[”] he said through a laugh.
“Doppelgangers[,]” [h]e muttered…
“You will see why[,]” Echo answered…

Ch 3
“…We always have been…[it’s] how we met…”

Ch 7
“Call me Ari[,]” [s]he snapped, trying to change the subject.
“…Ari…” [h]e repeated…

Ch 8
“What ever didst you expect? No warmth to doppelgangers[,]” he said, matter-of-factly.
“Earth[,]” Ari finished for him…
“I have never been this close to another[,]” he said intently…
“I have been practicing, old friend[,]” Echo said through a laugh.
“The Buru, little miss[,]” Echo said from up ahead.
“Go behind it[,]” Ari finished.

Ch 9
“…He comes to see us often, doesn’t he[,] girls?” [t]he blue-haired mermaid said…

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Evie J

wrote 36 days ago

Oh my gosh!!! Brilliant!!! I You are an amazing author!! I just love it! It'll be going on my picks when I can swap out! Just amazing!

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Illuminate

wrote 36 days ago

This is a really well written story. I think your descriptions were very pretty and the settings were very solid so you could imagine being there. I would also say that your characters are good, but not as good as the description- I think descriptions of feelings would benefit this story, so that's kind of using your best skill to benefit the rest of the story! You don't have to listen to that, but it's just my opinion. Well done though overall. This is great :)

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hollycat

wrote 37 days ago

! I HATE MY LAPTOP. my battery is about to die, but ive started reading it and i love. I PROMISE ill carry on with this and comment properly (Y)
sorry about this.

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swimnut3

wrote 37 days ago

very poetic, romantic, and very intruiging. i cant say whats going to happen next :) deff on my watch list very cool!

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Lector

wrote 39 days ago

Absolutely Brillant!
Amazing Dilouge, "She was asleep...she's dead!"
I like how they s-s-stutter somethings, really helps with the character.
"S'pposed" This is a great bit of diolect.
Wonderful imagery, all the detials just jump off the page!
"Day lit, half-moon." Wow, wow, wow. I LOVED this line,
Ari-What a clever name, I not sure why but it just fits!
In the first chapter I also wanted to add that I like how you put the sitation for the quote, makes the whole thing look very professional, and clean.
I love your despcription! Some authors forgot that the little detail are important too, "long, gold-dreesed fingers: a perfect, oval eye." Wonderful!
I loved the blurb and that was what really drew me in, but I was only planning on skimming through the first part, but I could not! There was no way that I could stop reading in part 1,
"Not another one."
Wow.
I got all the way to the sixth part before I caught myself.
I think it is needless to say that I pick listed this, incredible story!

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europ92

wrote 42 days ago

You are doing a great job with this story;. I am definitely putting it on my picks. I am fascinated by Vox and his ways...please indulge my curiosities, lol. You write beautifully to a point where I'm almost jealous ;D Nice work.

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Maddie11

wrote 42 days ago

I swear, there are not words to describe this. Stunning, incredible, beautifully written come to mind... and also, WHY IS THIS NOT PUBLISHED???
But I digress.

In terms of editing, you have the important things down-- dialogue, plot flow, characters, and tone. I love the way you craft words-- it's almost like an art. You make it so easy to find the words... for example, the "alluring dance" or "struggle in his eyes" or "cherrywood clock." Simple adjectives and images like that kept my eyes completely glued to the page.

Ari is such an unusual name for a girl, but you don't make her a Mary-Sue or any of the dreaded "typical" characters. You flesh her out extrordinarily (sp?) well and leave us wanting to know more about her... I loved the scene you chose to open with, the parents fighting about their daughter being a "seer." I was engrossed by the first line and you never let go... the constant mystery and intrigue made this an enjoyable read.

I agree with Katie Follinus, "You say so much, without revealing much at all. It keep us on our toes." You pin emotions so well and make the characters so relatable, even the smaller ones.

I didn't actually notice any grammar errors... but I was reading so fast because I wanted to know what happened :) I feel like I was completely part of their world, and I read through most of Lore and had to force myself to stop to leave you a comment haha.

Sorry it took me awhile to get to your book-- hope this makes up for it. I'm definitely putting this on my picks! And love the title change, by the way. Although it did make it hard to find it again haha =) Great job!!!

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Katie Follinus

wrote 42 days ago

Hey Mel :D just wanted to say I love the edited pitch :) it's a lot more snappy and reveals enough to be seriously enticing! I think now, especially, you'd grab teen girls by the masses! As always, best of luck, hun! And it's great to see 'The Master's Muse' soaring up through the ranks!!! Wonder what HC will say when they see your novel again!?

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Anna_dumpay

wrote 42 days ago

I haven't yet read the entire book but at the moment it is really enjoyable. I really like the characters. Can't wait to finish the rest of it!! Good luck.

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fiveforfighting42

wrote 42 days ago

This is AMAZING. Like, super amazing. I was busy the whole week and wasn't able to read it, but then I finally cleared some stuff and sound down to read this and was like, WHOA. You are a fantastic writer. I felt like I was actually in Lore the whole time, with all of the wonderful creatures and characters you weaved in. The picture you painted of this magical world and everything in it enthralled me, and I just couldn't look away from the screen. My eyes actually sting right now. So, anyway, the things I loved: You style. It is just lovely. It took me into Lore completely. Your characters. Ari is so real. Her reactions and emotions were probably exactly how I would feel in her situation. And I like Echo, he seems very protective of Ari. And the progressing story with Vox also has me very interested. The minor characters, like Furgan and the little hobgoblin (his name has escaped me), add personality to the story. Your imagery, your dialogue, your pacing is perfect. There were a few spelling errors, like "omitting" should be "emitting", "oul" should be "foul", and "quite" should be "quiet". Also, a couple punctuation and capitalization errors, but I barely noticed them. That is how good this is. No joke. Pleeeeeeeease message me when you post more. I can't wait!

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Stina Axling-Cole

wrote 43 days ago

I love it! This is honestly the first time on Inkpop that I have come across a book that has really lured me in and made me want to read more. While reading this I felt as though I were there, you describe things with such ineffable detail that leaves me very impressed and also contemplating as to how I will get the time to finish reading the book! I adore your style of writing, and if this became a book I would definately buy it! Brilliant work :)

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InorganicAngel

wrote 43 days ago

I'm being honest when I say, I can find noting wrong with this piece. I absolutely adore your descriptions of the setting and characters. You really find yourself being drawn into this slightly creepy world. The opening bit with the parents arguing was very convincing. You could feel their urgency and horror at the possibility of what their daughter could be. I admit to being overly ecstatic at the Shelley quote...

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Broadway Baby

wrote 43 days ago

Utter brilliance from start to finish. I'm generally not into fantasy. In fact, I pretty much hate it. But I have to say I am extremely impressed with your work.

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!books!

wrote 44 days ago

I love the detail in this! It's beautifully written, and your voice really shines through. Your MC is unique but believable. Believe it or not, it is very hard for some writers to pull this off. I love your work!

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preistie

wrote 44 days ago

“Why, In Lore.” Make the “I” lower case.

Should the ‘hall of halls’ be capitalized to show importance?

Too often instead of using a semi-colon or ending the sentence and starting anew, you simple insert a comma and keep going. It’s not a run-on sentence, per se, but it’s an awful lot to take in at one time, and sometimes very hard to follow, especially when discussing the history.

“We need you to Earth’s voice.” What?

The harpy verbally vomits his entire history to Arianna. Why? Is he lonely? Does no one else talk to him?

Okay, so I had to force myself to pause after the next three chapters. While you are moving the plot along and it’s very captivating, I feel you’re moving a bit too fast. Let the information sink in to the readers before allowing them to learn even more. It’s a new world with so many new things to take in, but take it all in stride. If you go too fast, readers will get confused and easily forget segments of the story.

I will say that Arianna is now becoming very real to me. I like the fact that I do not altogether like her character, as she seems naïve and immature to everything going on around her. However, that’s precisely why I like her role in the story.

I’ll stop where I am, almost a few chapters before the end. You could flesh out many aspects of the story, setting a pace for readers to take in the entire story, as well as taking your time to describe everything necessary. If this piece is already finished, it’s okay to go back and add things. Books can always be longer, in my opinion. Even if it’s finished, I would still suggest going back and adding a wee bit more. For instance, more dream sequences would be nice, so the readers can get a better idea of Lore before she’s transported there.

This is still a fantastic story and I quite like the world you’ve created.

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preistie

wrote 44 days ago

“…her knee-length hair: black as the blackest onyx.” Colons are typically used before a list or an explanation that is preceded by a clause that can stand by itself. A comma would suffice in the text.

In Ireland, the dialect is different, obviously. However, be very careful with how you write your dialogue. It’s one thing to incorporate the accent into the text, and it’s another to make the story messy with all of the marks. There’s a thin line between artistic and messy. You’re not there; just be careful.

“If you fear the dark, I shall pull the moon from the sky.” That’s beautiful.

“I heard tell that the Merpeople...” Is it ‘heard’ or ‘tell’ or am I reading it wrong?

I’m flying through your story. I’m failing in my critique as I’m so caught up in the story to spot any grammatical or syntax errors. Perhaps there just aren’t any to be spotted. I am thoroughly enjoying the story you’ve woven. The suspense is superb, keeping so much a mystery but not enough that the story doesn’t make any sense.

One thing, though, I would develop your main character a bit more. She snaps at her parents, but there’s not a lot of information preceding it that explains why. She obviously doesn’t get along with her parents too great, but we don’t really know why. Give us a little insight to it all.

As I finish the next few chapters, I stand more firmly on the idea to develop your characters more. Your MC is acting out dramatically and I have no reason why. Sure, in the moment, it seems like the perfect thing to do, but your readers may not see that. You have details in everything but why the characters act as they do. Once you get that down, things will flow all the better.

I’m just leaving off on Chapter Five, just as Furgan begins the tale of a family of six. I need to leave for a brief period of time, but I shall be back. You have enticed my muse so wondrously, how could I not finish this story before the day is over?

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gillofnerd

wrote 45 days ago

I just finished the third page. This is great. I love the little epigraph or whatever you called it that you put at the beginning. I also really like the second page; it was all really interesting. Your narration style kept me reading.

Ari is a fabulous character. I love the whole plot so far; writing is bad. That would be awful for me--and probably everyone else on this site.

Anyway, nice job!! I'll finish this up. It'll probably end up on my picks!!!

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amb0531

wrote 45 days ago

I have only read the first chapter... but I really like it!!! It captured my interest immediately. I'm already completely interested as to who the bald man is!! :) Great job. I'm adding this to my watchlist and I'll finish reading it later :)

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angelscarlet

wrote 45 days ago

Wow!! I love it!! Despite that you only told me to read the first two or three I'm going to keep reading this!! I only noticed some of the spelling errors and I think that may be just the spelling differences between countries. I love Ari's character and Echo's as well. The tone of this story is really sophisticated and many of the creatures that you use I hardly ever see, which just draws my attention to it more!! I loved the Epigraph...I think that's what you wrote...my favorite line "I am a masterpiece, she is my muse"! It's a really attention grabbing line. You also seem to blend your descriptions of characters really well without making it seem weird, and going of in a rant about what a character looks like. I have said it before, but I love it and is most definitely worth putting on my picks list. I want to know more about Ari now and Echo, so I will keep reading. I also want to find out more about her abilities as a Seer, and if you could answer the question that I have...what is a Sylph? I'm really curious of what that is. Anywho I'm going to keep reading and it did take me a little longer than I expected. I was really caught up in it and went a little ahead...!~Nathalie

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jkt315

wrote 45 days ago

..."Mimicking the thump of Brians heart" great comparison. very unique.

"her parents kept many rooms locked" makes me curious. what are her parents hiding?

I've stopped at chapter three, and think you definitely have an intriguing book going. Personally I'm not a huge fan of fantasy novels, but i know that this will do well among those who are passionate about this genre. :)

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ninjareader

wrote 45 days ago

AMAZING! I love your story. I've only read the first three chapters but I'm already captured into it. You have a great plot setting up, I can't wait to read more. I love your use of imagery, you are a great writer. :)

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staceintheplace

wrote 45 days ago

WOW. Very impressed with this. Your descriptions are very vivid, painting a wonderful picture in my mind as I read. Can't wait to read the rest!

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Nella-Rosmarino

wrote 45 days ago

Is she dreaming or is the world real? Sorry I'm just a bit confused! I do like Echo, I like his old-english way and he seems romantic, the guy everyone dreams about. But why do they like each other? I would like to know more about it. I love your main character too, she was complex and I liked Connor too. I did like Echo and I'm intrigued by him. I loved when he says that he'll give her the moon if she's afraid of the dark.

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Britney Martin

wrote 46 days ago

What homework!? Haha! This is a welcomed read compared to my Antebellum American History homework, and its going to be quite the distraction for me!

The first two chapters, although someone expressed their dislike, I infact, loved. Absolutely loved. They set the tone for the whole book. I read chapters 3 and 4, and WANT to read more. But I have more reads to get to tonight and homework. But you've drawn me into Ari's world, it is so intruiging and provides a welcome escape from everyday life. And this is BY FAR the most mature, tightly written tale I have seen on here, and that probably has alot to do with your talent as a writer and your experience prior to Inkpop on Autho.

I'm backing this TOMORROW! But for now, watchlisting.
Can't wait to read more, I think Echo will visit my dreams tonight :)
Britney
(By Flame's Light)

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DD

wrote 46 days ago

i'd add it to the first chapter

what i meant is it seemed choppy and i was looking forward to jumping into a little more action i guess
d;

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WillowxMichelle

wrote 46 days ago

I just sort of glanced over this, but already I'm in love with you. I love your descriptions, they're FANTASTIC. Definitely going on my pick list. Amazing. Better hit the top five soon, alright?

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DD

wrote 46 days ago

good story. interesting and i love the names by the way. excellent use of vocab and overall sentence structure is good.
a couple of nit picks
honestly i didn't like having the epilogue and first chapter so short and cut off from the beginning of the story. it takes away from your story and you write so beautifully it would be ashame if people get lost at the beginning.

it's just a suggestion, so take it with a grain of salt if you like. by the way once i got passed chapter 3 i really like it so you're on my picks
d;

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RLJoy

wrote 46 days ago

I love the beginning and how its a poem like writing I love it so far....it really pulls me in and makes me want to read some more!

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Rebecca Ryals Russell

wrote 46 days ago

Intriguing beginning. The use of language in the prologue gives the reader an idea of the age of the beings talking - mythical and classic. Your setting is also classic and timeless. This promises to be an excellent read. I could find nothing to improve.

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Author S M Johnston

wrote 46 days ago

Fantastic writing style, intriguing story that draws in the reader. More detailed comments and feedback in message. : )

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DD

wrote 47 days ago

Added you to my reading list
talk soon
d;

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RachelAnnWilkins

wrote 47 days ago

I love it! Everything seems to flow together, it's very well written!
I'm not even to the 3 chapter and i already wish i could read faster to get it done quicker!

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kimberlyann.

wrote 47 days ago

while this isnt really my kind of story, it's very well written! you have a great writing talent, and a natural plot line.

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AriannaR

wrote 47 days ago

Chapter 4 (6)- Heres where it all comes together. i would commend you for this, but im finding too much telling, not enough showing, and hellish amount of info dump. maybe you want to introduce the wrold in a diff way, cos this way seems alil forced.
that said, now fer the good stuff. u r sooooo creative in this! i love how much thought u put into it. each detail.... marvelous! and I already hate furgan

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isabella2296

wrote 47 days ago

The pitch was enough to pull me into this fantastic story. There were some small grammatical mistakes but nothing too big, and otherwise, everything was practically perfect! The tone of the story seems to fit it really well and your characters are spectacular. You made Ari's parents very well realistic, not to mention Ari herself. The only thing I'd say is that your style of narration isn't very intimate, so sometimes it makes for a bit of an emotionless read - it could just be me, though, because I personally don't usually enjoy this kind of third person. Anyway, great stuff! I bet this will go far on inkpop!

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AriannaR

wrote 47 days ago

Chapter 3 (under ch 5)- Finally her personality! yes! im finally getting the sense of who she is ans how she works. thank you!
okay, beautiful use of suspense. way to keep me riveted to my seat! shes in denial, one hundred per cent understandable! yay some emotion! i just think that the emotion could be expanded..... because ur 3rd person voice is very detached, even more so than the normal 3rd person narrarator

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AriannaR

wrote 47 days ago

Chapter two: You have incredibly imagrey! and u have such an amazing way of showing! im sick of all the telling going onin lit. way to change it!
Despite ur amazing imagrey, I dont have a clear mental picture of Ari. I only know that she has gold hair, and that was mentioned in all of three words. For all I know she could have really short blonde hair and be freakishly tall and super skinny! give me an IMAGE!!!
charachterization is lacking aswell. u are presenting lovely pictures and building your world, but you are trading charachters for pictures. u need balance. Also, whos Echo? u gotta shows us some things here! take tht skill and put it to good use!!!!

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writingangel13

wrote 47 days ago

I really like this story so far! However, there are a few things that need to be worked on. Firstly, sometimes you overstate your sentences a bit. "...a city suspended in mid-air, floating high over the land below." The readers can tell from the first part of the sentence that the city is above ground, so the 'below' wasn't totally necessary. You have done that a few times. Secondly, some of your character's descriptions are a bit cliched. (ie, alabaster skin.) While it does make the book paranormal, 'alabaster skin' is also mentioned in every fantasy book I have ever read. I am sure there must be a more creative way to say the same thing. Perhaps, "milky skin" instead?

What I found was very effective in this story was that you used abbreviated words to show a different dialect or way of speech. That was very helpful in giving the certain character and identity.

The last thing I could say is that the prologue is just a tiny bit confusing. Also, remember that sometimes, shorter sentences can be just as effective as longer ones, without the 'wandering in circles' factor.

All in all, I think this is a very good start to a promising story. You can bet that I will be following it into the future.

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