Author S M Johnston

wrote 181 days ago

Normally I put my feedback in a message as I am giving positives and negatives, and would prefer not to announce someone's mistakes to all of Inkpop. But in this instance it was nearly flawless. So here's the feedback.

To be honest I found it hard to relate to Nick, may have something to do with the fact that I am a Gen X straight woman.....but that doesn't mean I don;t think it is well written.

I am a communication manager in my day job so I edit work in the corporate comms world. So normally I find formatting errors and grammar mistakes. Not here!! It may be Inkpop, as I have heard it stuffs around with the formatting a but, but in your copy make sure you indent your pars and only have line spaces for changes in time or ideas.

You have picked a topic that is important, and somewhat neglected, for YA readers - and I commend you for that. You have handled this sensitively but at the same time realistically. Your descriptions are strong and you have dealt with the first person well.

Laughing like a hyena on a new form of crack - love it. You have brought in original phrasing rather than rehashing old ones.

As someone who has alcoholism amongst relatives I feel you have dealt with this well. It is within my in-laws so I did not know it growing up. I think you would have given the teenage version of me an understanding of the disease.

The conflict you bring to your character is interesting. A friend once told me that people think conflict must be breaking up. I liked the twist with the dad wanting him was well done, and believable.

Really strong writing - keep it up

Mcrae by Nature

wrote 189 days ago

Your prologue was very well written; it brought out all the right emotions and set the tone for the book, letting us know what to expect if we kept reading. That is exactly what a prologue is supposed to do. I would suggest that you shorten the first half a little, the part before Zack comes in. A lot of what is written embodies the same emotions, feeling like a strange on Earth and feeling lonely and confused. It was beautifully written, but it started to stall a tiny bit.

The introduction of Zack was fantastic, "he floated through my head like a poem" that was such a nice analogy. The use of collors, black, blue, orange and red were such an effective and unique way of showing the reader the tranformation from lonely and sad over to happy. I really liked how you brought us back to the first line of the book at the end of the Prologue.

Chapter one, I love Nick's thoughts about the leaf that had intruded his world. I have had thoughts like that so it made your character feel very real. Your ability to describe the world around your characters is the beauty and the rareness of your work. I like that you ended your chapter in a way the makes us wanting to know more. Very clever.

Chapter Two, notable sentences... "It was like watching a kitten get run over" and "I felt like a blank canvase with no red splattered on it." I have found that you are very good at making the reader feel what your characters are feeling. Your analogies are so very well thought out and simple to understand. That is so important for the success of a book. I feel a strong fondness for Nick's grandmother. Walking all the way out to where they were with her cane to end the fight was such a loyal thing to do. I can tell that she cares for him.

Over all, I read up to chapter four and I am impressed. This is a story is written in such a way that I see it being a success. The characters are so solid and believable. I am going to put this on my picks as well and thank you so much for inviting me to read.

Carrie L McRae

PinatasPromoteViolence

wrote 52 days ago

Please write more!

Meli_p0p

wrote 67 days ago

oh my god, this is really good! i really love the detailed descriptions. this genre isnt really a genre i would read, but there is always something that makes the exception. oh, and i am for gay people, so i really liked this book(as much of it as i read anyway) :)

Delia-evanescent

wrote 99 days ago

Delia-evanescent

wrote 108 days ago

WingedGhouls

wrote 118 days ago

Hi, I really love this story! Please update soon!

FinneganScott

wrote 131 days ago

Was just going to take a quick look at this story--it did not take long to pull me in, and I read it through to the end. Very real and incredibly sad, and you made me feel what Nick was feeling, the depression and loneliness and isolation that he could not find his way out of. I could also feel what Zack meant to him as it was gradually revealed, and by the end just how much Nick meant to Zack. The issues this story deals with are heavy and dark and largely ignored by society, and I commend you not only for taking them on, but for doing so with such understanding and sympathy. Everything that happens, no matter how violent or disturbing, they both find peace and calm within each other, their relationship the one sure thing that they can cling to when all else betrays them. We see the depth of emotion behind the eyes of the quiet, shy, hurt kid, in a world that can do nothing but scream at him, and find a defiance both strong and beautiful.
Excellently and thoughtfully written, best of luck with it.
Finnegan Scott

Jeremie Guy

wrote 135 days ago

Interesting first paragraph. Kept me wanting to read more. I liked what I've read so far and I think you have the potential to deliver a powerful story. So far you've involved my emotions and thats always a plus. This seems to be your strong suit so hopefully I'll be able to read more of that as I continue. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

xXkeyonaXx

wrote 143 days ago

wOw. This is so breathtaking. AHMAZING.(: Your insight is incredibly touching, and I laugh with him, I cray with him...it was that type of story. The only suggestion i have is that maybe you should add a bit more conversation without so much deep thinking. it's important to have the thought behind the words, but sometimes, it's better to get the words out and then share the thought. but still...
i loved itt!!!
keep writing(:
<3, keyona carson

There Is No Forever

wrote 149 days ago

Awwwwwwww! I love this! There's so much emotion in your words! I can't stop reading it!

There Is No Forever

wrote 149 days ago

Wow. Just from the prologue I can tell I'm gonna LOVE this. Amazing so far. Love it!
-k

WingedGhouls

wrote 151 days ago

Really love this story!

I love Nick's thoughts. His opinion and views are very intriguing. The story is written excellently, I don't think I found many, if ANY, grammatical or punctual mistakes. Those are details that can be edited, the main thing is the story's plot and how well it interests readers right? Haha. :)

Anyways, this story is awesome, make sure you update soon! :)

blue_bird300

wrote 159 days ago

OK, wow, just wow. This prologue for me was so deep, it touched my heart. I can relate in the same way to the character Nick and also I had a good friend of mine "come out of the closet" to me. I love this story so far and will continue reading it. Keep up with the good work! :)

Piper Cleaveland

wrote 162 days ago

i've only read the prolog but i'm loving this so far! i really like your character description. personally i'm so sick of the depressed stories of miss understood teenagers with negative out looks on life, it was interesting at first but now its to dramatic and over done. my point here is, is that i really admire the out look of your character, and his need to help those stuck in the depression of being a teen.
plus your style of description is very fun. i'm sure to keep reading and commenting when i have something fun to say, or just suggest. good job and keep it up!

Lrox525

wrote 164 days ago

Wow, I REALLY like this! It's really interesting and different. Different in a good way.
Please, kepp writing becuase I can't wait to read more!!!

WeronikaJanczuk

wrote 165 days ago

I think the 1st POV works for you here, absolutely - good choice.

What you need to work on is pacing - getting the story to move faster, faster, faster, even if it's supposed to move slowly. (Things move slow for a reason, not because you're dumping a ton of stuff into it.) Pick exactly what you need and be sure to start with something evocative and not neutral.

Thanks for sharing! Sounds interesting.

I'd love feedback, too:
http://inkpop.com/projects/17811/where-the-doves-fly/

Half*Breed

wrote 166 days ago

this is simply beautiful, i cant get over the passion the wonder! i love it!!

Candide

wrote 166 days ago

Ch. 16: WOW!!!
Can't wait for the next chapter :)

Dark_Angel0216

wrote 167 days ago

I love it as usual. but... WHY!!!! why, why, why! Nick doesn't deserve that.... why? ok, i'm done. but i seriously cried when his grandma got shot. i did. keep writing, please please please please!
-Dark Angel

xPerfectlyxImperfectx

wrote 167 days ago

Wooow. That was just... so sad!! I mean... it's good that Zack's father is going to jail, but Nick's grandma had to be lost in the middle of it all... D: That's so sad... The way you wrote it, though, was really beautiful. I could just picture the entire thing, as if I were right there, which just made it that much more moving. The last line was kinda sad, too. :/ When will things start looking up for Nick?! T_T Ooh, I feel so bad for him. Why is it the people who deserve happiness the most seldom get it? Aah, so very, very sad... which is why I absolutely loved it. :) You're amazing and I can't wait for the next chapter of this! ^^

GothGirl666

wrote 167 days ago

MORE, MORE, MORE!!!!!! This is absolutely amazing!!!!! I can relate to Nick in a lot of ways (but I'm not gay). This is just awesome! I love it!

PinatasPromoteViolence

wrote 168 days ago

seeing as threats arnt working on you
please please please write more!!!
you're killing me here please write

xPerfectlyxImperfectx

wrote 168 days ago

Oh my gosh!! D: This chapter was insane! I can't believe Zack's father abuses him! I feel so bad for him and Nick... Aah, but you have to write more! I just have to know what happens next! Sorry it took so long to read. ^^; My laptop's still broken, but I've got one I can use for a little while... ^^ Awesome chapter! See ya at the next update! :)

Kariah

wrote 170 days ago

I really liked your first paragraph what a mellow way to start a story that seems to suggest a faster pace.

"Surely I am hated for who I am" Very powerful line here

The beggining of your prologue is very good, but it seemed to drone on longer than what it needed. Also, remember that guys don't usually focus as much as their emotion as much as a girl would so don't let it get too moody.

The thought-provoking first paragraphs of the first chapter are very intriguing, and it's a suddle way to let us (the readers) know that your main character is a very thoughtful person.

I like how he used to help people, but now rarely even smiles. It's a good way to show how people can be changed due to different situations.

Wow, nice twist to end the fight in chapter three. I did find it a little unrealistic for the mean ones to just obey the older lady without a word, I understand some kids still have respect for the elderly but most especially the type of kid you made them out to be, would not.

The fact that she's his grandmother was interesting and strange, and another really cool twist. I've only read to the end of chapter three, but I plan on finishing this when I get longer

Linznboots

wrote 171 days ago

Wow, this is so great! I love the idea of the story, and it's so creative and brave of you to write this. Nice job!:) Maybe check out my story, June? Thanks!:)
lovelovelove,
Lindsay :)

Lindsey Christine Cook

wrote 171 days ago

this is so good. please check out my work and tell me what you think.

Half*Breed

wrote 172 days ago

this was amazing the best read yet i have found on this site!!! loved it write more like it!!!

lost in the night

wrote 172 days ago

don't listen to autor s m johnston! i could totally relate to the life that nick leads. its a very promising book that i hope has more coming!
it was a wonderful read! i got very emotional about some of the "thoughts" that nick has. You have a really deep insight to how people react to other people and to themselves. i hope you write more to this book!

PinatasPromoteViolence

wrote 173 days ago

What the heck! Everything came out of the blue wow. I still like greatly!!! Write more, faster (please)!!!

finding-forever.

wrote 174 days ago

So I'm only up to chapter two, but this is so interesting I'm definitely going to put it on my watchlist immediately. And as soon as I find time, I'm reading the rest. I love the way you write - it's simple, but the emotions are strongly portrayed and I can feel what the character feel as they feel it. Great job! :)

Poading

wrote 174 days ago

wow, you handle such a sensitive topic very well. I'm impressed! I think this is an important story to tell and I commend you for it!
~Rosiee

gabbwee

wrote 174 days ago

holy potatoCHIPS i love it. I was really pulled in. Even though i'm straight i really loved it. I don't think i've ever read a published book that is about something like this. BUT i think that this should be published because it is awesome!!!!!

Candide

wrote 174 days ago

AHHH! Zach's secret is crazy scary! I like the action in this chapter and the way you ended it was great :)

Dark_Angel0216

wrote 174 days ago

Oh. My. Orange. Juice..... why? Zack doesn't deserve that! omoj!!!!!!!!! i want more! Nay, i demand more.... Please? i love this! if this makes it to the editorial board, i wouldn't be surprised.... i love it love it love it!!!! Zack's dad had a gun! omoj, that's.... whoa. this gets 10,000 stars out of 5!!!
-Dark Angel

freshscooby

wrote 175 days ago

I just finished chapter two and I love the descriptions you use. You describe subtly, without having a whole paragraph devoted to the description of where they are/what they're wearing/etc.
I will definitely keep reading :)
-freshscooby

User

wrote 175 days ago

Reading this is a little weird for me because I don't experience anything like Nick and Zack do. People around me just don't care what you are as long as you don't push it on them. I read up to chapter three. Your description is very eloquent. It seems as if your painting a picture on a canvas with words. Anyway, I wish you luck with your novel. :D

whoaTiffany!

wrote 179 days ago

I like it so far I do. But we had to wait till page 15 before Zach & Nick Did anything :(. and I love romance novels but I don't like waiting for the romance until the last updated page. I hope you make it some what more interesting the next updates. Because in the middle of it I kind of got bored and just read the first of each sentence until something sparked my attention. But it's ok so far.

QC

wrote 181 days ago

Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I'm in the middle of exams at the moment but I finally took a break from studying.

Wow. Amazing so far! Keep up the good work. I love the characters, they seem like people I could get along with and can relate to on one level or another. I love your choice of words and detailed descriptions. Great job!! :)

Candide

wrote 181 days ago

This is a really good story! The characters are insightful and profound, your descriptions are poetic, and everything is very well written. Advice: Combine some paragraphs, expand a bit on why Nick is closed up (I mean, I understand his pain and all but why quiet? Did he have some sort of negative experience when he once opened up? Or does he just have an extreme lack of confidence and will?), and maybe expand a bit on Nick's almost dying experience. What brought on the seizures? What disease or illness did he have? Has this ever happened before or was there a specific cause?
But don't pay too much mind to my advice - you've got a great story here and I can't wait to find out what happens next!

Sullen Doe

wrote 181 days ago

First off, sorry it took me so long to get around to this, my old laptop seemed to rebel against this story and never loaded it up. But I'm glad I finally got around to it. This is certainly a beautiful piece, Nick's feelings and hopes are so brilliantly conveyed. I feel like the last couple lines of your chapters really sum up how Nick feels, it really impacts the readers. It describes how Nick is so desperate to keep Zack in his life, how he hopes Zack will always be there, which makes me feel what Nick feels in a way, like his feelings are jumping off the page and into my own heart. This is certainly an amazing read.

Review back and read my book Secretly Fallen?
--Doe

Author S M Johnston

wrote 181 days ago

Normally I put my feedback in a message as I am giving positives and negatives, and would prefer not to announce someone's mistakes to all of Inkpop. But in this instance it was nearly flawless. So here's the feedback.

To be honest I found it hard to relate to Nick, may have something to do with the fact that I am a Gen X straight woman.....but that doesn't mean I don;t think it is well written.

I am a communication manager in my day job so I edit work in the corporate comms world. So normally I find formatting errors and grammar mistakes. Not here!! It may be Inkpop, as I have heard it stuffs around with the formatting a but, but in your copy make sure you indent your pars and only have line spaces for changes in time or ideas.

You have picked a topic that is important, and somewhat neglected, for YA readers - and I commend you for that. You have handled this sensitively but at the same time realistically. Your descriptions are strong and you have dealt with the first person well.

Laughing like a hyena on a new form of crack - love it. You have brought in original phrasing rather than rehashing old ones.

As someone who has alcoholism amongst relatives I feel you have dealt with this well. It is within my in-laws so I did not know it growing up. I think you would have given the teenage version of me an understanding of the disease.

The conflict you bring to your character is interesting. A friend once told me that people think conflict must be breaking up. I liked the twist with the dad wanting him was well done, and believable.

Really strong writing - keep it up

YEZZIKA15

wrote 182 days ago

I have never really been into stories about guys idk why but this story has changed my veiws on that I think there is something to this story and so far I really like it so I'm going to finish it, just thought I would post the comment right now before I forget to XD

-Jessica

Rebecca Kaplan

wrote 182 days ago

I love this update! :D The dialogue is (as always) exceptionally wonderful, and I like how you introduced the new chapter with a brief biology lesson (very clever). The father seems like he'll be an interesting character (as well as the grandmother who'll "bust [Nick] out of [there]").

Can't wait. Keep up the plot and character development. :)

(Sorry I haven't been around much. I've been busy, but I gave Argumentation a quick, little update. /points/ Thank you. xD)

dawn is coming

wrote 183 days ago

Second chapter:
One grammar thing: they talked to Zack as if he were their friend” should be WAS their friend
Other than that, this chapter was super-powerful. At the beginning, I was getting really mad at Nick for just watching, and then he finally got up and it made it much better. Nice tension there. The fight scene was really well depicted (and this comes from a martial artist).
Now I want to know how Zack knows everyone!
What I liked the most about this chapter was the references to the grass and leaves. Even in the fight scene, you put them in, and it reminded us of Nick's contemplation at the beginning and how peaceful and thoughtful a person he really is.

dawn is coming

wrote 183 days ago

The first chapter left me on a good note. I'm excited/scared for the confrontation. A few notes:
You say “It was here, present between my fingers. I can smell it, sense it, and even taste it if I dared.” You should change it to 'I could smell' to keep the right tense.
I loved the line "“the rare occasions when my lips formed an upward arch”- awesome!"
After the color analogy in the prologue, starting off with colors was nicely put.
On to ch. 2!

dawn is coming

wrote 183 days ago

So... I'm going to try something new and comment in chunks per chapter...
For the prologue, it's powerful, but you shift tenses way too much. Choose past or present, and stick to them. I am and I was shouldn't be used in the same area... Also, you use 'pessimistic' and 'materialistic' a bit too much, throw in some synonyms.
I'm excited to move on to ch. 1; the prologue really set it up well.
-dawn is coming

InorganicAngel

wrote 183 days ago

Props to you for tackling such a difficult subject matter. I do, however, have a bit of a hard time liking this. You tend to repeat yourself a bit too much in the beginning, and although I have some sympathy for Nick, I couldn't help but be a bit dissapointed. You see, much of the angst is described in such a way that I can't take it that seriously (maybe it's just me). I think there might be a few too many cliches as far as his experiance goes. You seem to be a very good writer, though. Your grammar was excellent, and your character was believable, if not a tad over-the-top.

ChrisPaternoster

wrote 184 days ago

with the way you write, you make it feel like whoever reading is the character, and I like that!
and...guy's POV, way to be!

PinatasPromoteViolence

wrote 184 days ago

You can't tell me I want to write another chapter today and then not post it!!!!
Gosh I figured out where you learned to bulid suspence...>.<

BleedingxXxWounds

wrote 184 days ago

Execllent,
I love the choice of words, and the prologe.
Very execllent i love it

KCanna

wrote 184 days ago

I've only gotten to the prologue so far, but I really like your imagery and voice. Very deep. Nice job!