inkpop: Taking Eden - Sometimes opposites attract. Sometimes they need a little ghostly help. <br /><br />And if paradise gets destroyed in the process

Mcrae by Nature

wrote 171 days ago

Review of Taking Eden,

The Breakdown, I literally have no idea what to say about this. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever read. “Boxes Break”.......... UNBELIEVABLE.

Collision Course,

“The enemy is gone, and so are you.” What a powerful statement. I love the way she feels about her brother, the sadness and the anger combine well to create a believable character.

“Her fist aren’t even made for fighting.” I love getting to know how Emily feels about herself. I can tell that she hates the fact that she is so sheltered and so ‘fragile’ almost. I like it because that is bound to change and it will be a great transformation to read about.

“Power without direction.’ I am blown away by this book. It is seriously beyond amazing. Your writing is pure poetry, even in the way it starts and stops and starts up again. I feel like I am actually following her train of thought. Wow.

One thing I am a tad confused on is the time period this is set in. I tend not to read the pitch just to see how much I can get from the book itself and so far I’ve got nothing. This felt futuristic, but I can’t place it for sure. Well, read on then.

King,

PURE POETRY, that is all I can say. You are a poet and I am so sucked up in your poetry.I cannot WAIT to read more of this. If you are not a winner in my lottery, I will still be adding this to my picks. Unfortunately to make it fair, I cannot pick this until after the lottery is over but it will be on my picks. I PROMISE.

Carrie L McRae
Things that Break

report abuse

shiftermover0308

wrote 53 days ago

For our Swap: (sorry it took so long.)

Okay, so I've read to chapter four, and I have to say this: Nana reminds me of Edna Mole from the Incredibles. She's such a brain that it's awesome. Especially with the whole Identify yourself bit. I like the foam, that was funny.

Emily seems like an interesting character, you've done a good job letting us see how sheltered she was, and I like how she almost jumps at the chance of getting a job with the police force, but she thinks about her life in a box first. It's interesting and really cool how you played out the entire thing. :)

Chief seems like a good guy, but I'm wondering about the thief at the church, if he has anything more to do with the story. Just a though.

I'll be adding this to my picks and be back to read more eventually. :D
~Hannah

report abuse

astrid_ofcourse

wrote 59 days ago

so far I've read the first two chapters, and wow. This is very interesting. I love how you say 'and boxes break.' I'm going to read more now!
-Astrid

report abuse

corey

wrote 96 days ago

hmmm... i like it. it's sad so far a little dark. chapter 1 very good flow. i read through it didn't see anything that needed changed, nothing jumped out at me anyway. i'm loving the metaphor of the box. i shall read the second chapter soon and write back of course. something a bit more elaborate after i've slept a bit lol. hope all is well. please feel free to read and comment on my story as well.

corey

report abuse

OliveMay

wrote 106 days ago

Woah very powerful stuff.
I love the extended metaphor of the box throughout the first two chapters. Especially love the last line of the first chapter "Boxes hold our precious things. And boxes break" Talk about ending on a dramatic high!!
All I noticed was a couple of punctuation corrections.
"set high in the walls[,] sparkled with"
"sister is stupid too[;] I still believe"
"there[;] a tall, proud silhouette"
"In the orange juice and milk sky" I love your imagery, metaphors and similies throughout this story, they are absolutely perfect. I can see exactly what you are describing.
This is a brilliant opening, its poweful and emotional and draws the reader in from the first sentence. Absolutely amazing. And all the enigmas you have set up, im dying to know whats going to happen next. lol
Going on my picks :)
All the best
xxx
Ollie

report abuse

x0niccx3

wrote 118 days ago

I'm going to honestly tell you that this is really one of the few books on this website that has made me want to keep on reading. I really don't have much to say, and I wish I did. I wish I could give you some advice as to how to make this better, how to fix it, how to add depth and character and all. But it's absolutely perfect. I have no critiques; nothing needs to be fixed or edited or anything. It's INCREDIBLE. I love your voice. I love your descriptions. I love the titles of your chapters. I love this. Wonderful job!
~*nicole:)

report abuse

jackiegajda

wrote 121 days ago

Hey there. :] The first thing I'd like to say is: wow, that cover is amazing. I don't know what it is about it. Perhaps because I cannot peel an apple like that, I don't know. Its lovely though, and definitely could catch an eye in a bookstore!
You had no real problems; at least, not major ones. I read Breakdown, Collision Course, King, & Background Check (so please read the Prologue and first two Chapters I have posted- - -I especially need comments on the second Chapter). Anyways, onto the critique!

Breakdown:
• I believe the word Hell should always be capitalized.

Collision Course:
• I believe Sun should always be capitalized as well.
• After Saturday night, you need quotation marks. You can't have the character start talking in one paragraph, and end the quotes on a completely different part of the page. Research how it is done. I could be wrong, but I believe when a character continues to talk to always have quotes at the beginning of the paragraph, but not the end (or until the character stops talking).

King:
• No mistakes, so good job!

Background Check:
• You never use parenthesis in a novel, ever. Bits in parenthesis are almost always never needed, so I would definitely edit these out.

All in all, great job. :] This will be going on my picks.

report abuse

Star Gazer

wrote 123 days ago

Taking Eden by orion

Since rumor has it Pluto was colonized last week, I'm here to share an Evolution Revolution comment. ;)

Gems within the prose:
* mine was a box of hands held while I crossed the street, of Halloween candy checked a thousand times for tampering, of hand saniziter and a wide berth around grown men, of don't-talk-to strangers and then hell-don't-talk-to-anyone. Walls of a parent's very great love. A ceiling of fear.
* in the orange juice and milk sky
* birds started to gather on the stoplights like flighty ladies' book clubs
* An ordinary man-passing-on-the-street, hello-next-door-neighbor, sir-your-coffee-is-ready human name.
* sensible desks under siege by battalions of paperwork (I appreciate the military references in keeping with her brother's service/death)

breakdown:
Emotionally compelling, insightful, mature.

collision course:
Oh, my heart's already broken and I'm only on the second page. You have a way of tugging at heart strings that is so natural, but powerful.
It's a little confusing, for a brief moment, when the man shoves her into the street and then the police comes up and is lost. I'm not certain who's lost or what the running is for - but not in a suspenseful way. Then it clears up when she grabs his hand.
The front door smashed open and he dragged the man out (consider swapping 'he' with 'officer'), then going on with that sentence, 'a catching glint' is confusing, and the blonde hair - which man's?
The end of the ch. is a bit confusing with so many men and 'he.' When there are more than two people in a scene, they need taglines and their own paragraphs.
The story is incredible, fresh, and original.

king:
???

background check:
OH. . . So Chief is the guy that she ran with - can this be shared earlier, please. Now, the pitch comes to light.
The part with Emily and Chief is strong. Her analysis is tempered with setting, actions, and reactions, creating a recipe for success.
Typo: Ahh. . .why does it feel so good [TO] break things?
Little confusion, is she the diminutive blonde?
Ouch - that's a sharp retort from Nana. Is Emily unattractive?
Again, please clarify 'he' when there are male characters and the 'he' doesn't refer to that character. Thanks!
'supermodel beauty' consider striking beauty

Possible glitches, please use this information as you see fit. This is 'it takes one to know one,' comment - you and I write the way people think and talk. It's natural and real. Unfortunately, book publishers and editors haven't caught on to it yet and will say the verb tenses slip in your sentences from past to present.

This book is loaded with potential at a level far beyond the norms. The plot is clear, there are subtle forces of good and evil at work, the MC is someone worth meeting in person, and the prose are mesmerizing. Yes, there's some grunt work needed to eliminate a few typos, and a little polish necessary to get rid of 'he' confusion, but overall this is a novel that balances a deep read with a fast pace. Please keep editing! Your talent needs to be shared with the world. ~ Toby

report abuse

Shiraz

wrote 132 days ago

breakdown:

*Love the intro. You used the metaphor to great effect.

Collision course:

breathed [deeply] to chase away

*Nice description of the taste of the City

finished thinking it[,] as a

*You establish the Emily's personality very well through her conversation with her brother and her actions on the street. Her soliloquy in the church was amazing. Then, a seemingly rash decision hold much more meaning for her than onlookers would think. Nice.

King:

*interesting interlude. it will be interesting to see how it fits in with the story

Background check:

afternoon call[,] Chief

why does it feel so good [to] break things?

the recruits [are] scared to death

*Well, Chief doesn't seem to know how to use a GPS. :-) I like the feel of the confused girl just tagging along and hoping everything will make sense at some point. Emily's a very likeable character and you've got me wondering how she'll react to the world she's just entered. A very interesting futuristic world you've set up here. A cop can have a civilian assistant who may get caught in the line of fire? Interesting. I love Nana's character and hope she frequents the story line because her attitude is great.

Spelling and grammar are wonderful. Only a few mistakes I caught. Sentence structure and style were well done. There were a few places I would have broken down or put together sentences differently, but things worked. Overall, a great piece of work. Good luck with it!

All the best,
Shiraz.

report abuse

AlliBee

wrote 133 days ago

101 comments! Congrats!!!

report abuse

JenniferLavoie

wrote 133 days ago

Here we go! I’m here for the swap/anger on your book. Whatever you want to call it, hehe.

Breakdown: I love the imagery in this. It’s a short chapter, but the impact just left me staring at the page. The way this was phrased was really well done. I like the idea of a parent’s love being the walls we live within, and the ceiling of fear is great. It’s just out of reach but there nonetheless.

Collision Course: “The babysitter’s eyes were like two big chocolate coins on a plate” – love this simile. It’s descriptive without being cliché.

When you have a character speaking for that long of time, you don’t need to end each paragraph with quotation marks because it’s still going on, however, you do need to begin each paragraph with them. It shows the reader that the person is still speaking. I thought she was talking to herself at the point, silently, until I got to the last paragraph of her dialogue and saw the end quotes.

“chase away the tears trying to be born” – love the way your phrase things. It’s unique and it fits the narrator very well. I can see her already emerging from the words.

“In the orange juice and milk sky” – some might find this strange, but the imagery is beautiful. I love the way you worded that, and I know exactly what image I should be calling to mind when I read that.

Ooh, she’s a lot older than I thought. The way she described herself and the way she spoke made her seem like she was thirteen, fourteen years old. Even though you did mention the event fourteen years ago. But she’s actually nineteen. Interesting.

King: No words for King. Simply loved it.

(why is this not in the top five right now? That said, I’m so glad I answered you on the thread you made…)

Background Check: “Anger is a hard thing to witness.” – agreed.

I want to know why the Chief is worried about replacing the GPS. That’s really interesting, and I hope we find out at some point.

I think I get the King chapter… is it supposed to be from Chief’s POV? Or about him?

“the kind of thin that made my fingers itch” – haha! Love this line.

Hmm… why is he lying about who’s headset it is? Very intriguing…

“That kind of talking like that can be more intimate than PDA.” – while I like what this means, the sentence structure is awkward. What about: The kind of talking that can be more intimate than PDA.

“And then the nozzles above us…” – haha, loved this line. Literally laughed out loud here.

Whoa, there’s nothing wrong with the GPS? Why can’t he use it then? I’m really interested in this story, you just keep adding levels and we’ve just started.

Okay, I have to stop there for now to finish other swaps, but I will be back. I HAVE to come back. You have me sucked into this story. I want to know what happens and figure out why Michael can’t use the GPS. Your attention to details is fantastic. I like the short chapters mixed with the long, because it’s like a little teaser for what’s coming up. But at the same time, it’s beautiful. You have a way with your words. I also like that you, so far, have kept this in Emily’s POV. I don’t know if this changes later, but it works like this. I like that I don’t know everything about Michael, and I want to find out as Emily does. Your story seems unique, too, which is a refreshing change from some of the formulaic things I’ve read here. I know you wanted people to take out their anger on your story, but I couldn’t! This is something I would buy in a bookstore, and more than that, I’d recommend it to others. I work in a bookstore, and in order for me to do that, I have to really love a book. This is great. Picked as soon as a spot clears up, and expect more comments from me as I read further.

report abuse

AlliBee

wrote 134 days ago

Sammi207- you read my mind.
HOLY CRAP.

report abuse

Sammi207

wrote 134 days ago

Somehow I never read this. I'm so, so sorry.
And now for the real comment.
Can I curse? No? Well, what about a mild curse? Yes? Okay, good.
HOLY CRAP. This is amazing. Seriously? The breakdown? You, m'dear, are freaking genius. I think that's the most beautiful thing I've read in a long, long time.
And Collision Course? WHAT AN ENDING.
I'm continuing to read, but I was feeling like an idiot for only just starting to read now and felt the need to tell you how freaking spectacular I think this is.
Picks.

report abuse

claire james

wrote 134 days ago

A wee bit confused with the chapter King. But I'm sure if I read on it will all make sense. Mawhahaha. (I know I can't spell. lol.)

report abuse

claire james

wrote 134 days ago

Collison course: Oh my heart just could have broke for Emily, when she was wishing for Christopher. You really captured the emotion of losing someone and being angry at them for leaving too really well. Oh and that was so sad when she was running her fingers across his name carved into the wood. Again not one word wasted, your writing flows just lovely. And you've managed to capture so many emotions Sadness, bitterness, feeling trapped, everything is brilliant. I'm really curious as to what is going to happen next. Love the last two lines: Hey Chris- come home soon. Or else I'll come to you. Whoa, cracking ending.

report abuse

claire james

wrote 134 days ago

Breakdown: Really gripping, you didn't waste one single word. Every word seemed thought out. And isn't that so true our parents wrap us up in cotton wool and place us in a box from birth. Brilliant stuff. Off I go for more. Sorry I know this is a short comment, but there is simply nothing in the world wrong with this.

report abuse

Minilove

wrote 134 days ago

I’m writing this as I read, so if it’s confusing, metaphorically slap me with a fish and tell me to retype it.
First off, great prologue. It grabbed my attention, and the metaphors for the walls and ceiling were well-used. I honestly have NOTHING to critique about this.
The first chapter is touching, where she’s talking to her brother. You know that kinda sad but warm feeling you get when you read something so touching but sad? Yeah, I got that. At this point, I’ve decided to pick it. You have a wonderful writing style that really has caught my attention. Great job. Also, I’m not seeing any grammatical errors. (YAY.)
I love the “Pretty little doll in a pretty little box” but for more emphasis, I’d drop the “ha” at the end out. When she leaves the church, I feel a little lost. I know that she helped the police officer catch a criminal, but I’m not sure what happened when he couldn’t see her and such. You might want to tweak it a little more to show what’s going on. However, I love her resolution at the end. I can tell what direction the story is heading in just from these words.
The next intro confused me for a bit, but when I got into the next chapter it became much clearer. I loved how you described Nana in the next chapter as “the kind of thin that made my fingers itch to shove a Big Mac down her throat.” It made me smile.
And for the record, I LOVE Nana! She reminds me of Abby off of NCIS, and I freaking adore Abby, so Nana has officially become my favorite character. She. Is. Awesome. XP
I don’t get why Michael is keeping Emily around if he got his GPS fixed, but that might be explained in later chapters.
Overall, excellent. Your writing style is impeccable, and your characters are rounded. I’m liking this very much, and I’ll probably be back for more, I’m just ending the critique at chapter two. =)

report abuse

HealedMyWings

wrote 135 days ago

Hullo there! I wish I knew your name so that I could personalise this little forenote, but I don’t. Ah well. =/ Anyhoo, I’ve had my eye on this for a while and only recently decided to play hooky from my reading list so that I could get to this. Consider it your lucky day. ;)

Before I leave my review, I thought I would explain how it works. In my reviews, I pick out a few (keyword: few) of the things I really liked and make note of them. Then I go through and hit on the major things that the author can improve on. This makes it seem as if they are slightly on the negative side. I assure you, I am not being negative! I (as an aspiring editor) am merely doing my job in pointing out some weaknesses so that you can work on them and build them up to match your strengths. So please, consider the suggestions to be what they are: simply suggestions to help you become an even better writer. ;) If you have any questions (or complaints) about any of my suggestions, please feel free to message me! =)

So with no further ado, let’s begin! Here are some of the things I really loved:

-Firstly, the whole of Breakdown is simply incredible! The imagery is simply gorgeous. It brings back memories of my own childhood – holding hands while crossing the street, Halloween candy checking (my parents threw most of it out. *sigh*), being told not to talk to strangers. Actually, I was told not to talk to strangers so often that I developed a phobia of strangers when I was younger that I only recently got over. =/ “Boxes hold precious things. And boxes break.” <–That is probably one of my favorite lines so far. =D

-“Happy birthday, dear stupid brother.” -Hahaha! This made me laugh, even if the circumstances are pretty sad. I could easily see a sister saying this to her brother on his birthday.

-I love Chris’ “crazy monkey scream”. That little detail brings him to life in my mind and adds a nice little detail illustrating the brother-sister relationship between Emily and Chris.

-Your imagery is simply gorgeous! You’re so creative with your descriptions. Keep up the fabulous work! =D

Here’s some stuff you may want to take a look at. As you mentioned in you profile, your grammar is *nearly* impeccable, so I have a lot less for you than I normally would. Because of this, I'm forced to compensate by picking on everything else. So pardon the ridiculous nitpicking. I’m only being obnoxiously helpful. ;)

-“...sparkled with the little light from the still-sleeping sun.” -For some reason, this felt awkward. “Little light” is just strange. Do you mean “faint light” or “weak light”? Because I’m not sure what kind of picture I’m supposed to get when you say “little light”. And “still-sleeping sun” makes the sentences feel overstuffed with descriptions. Can you reword it or more it around so that it doesn’t make your prose feel choppy and bloated?

-“Screamed your crazy monkey scream all the way down the street. The babysitter’s eyes were like two chocolate coins on a plate...” -Okay ... I don’t know where your dialogue stops and where the prose begins because you’re missing the closing quotation marks. It sounds like it should stop after “street”, but I’m not sure, because you seem to go on with the dialogue. Please close your quotations so that I know when Emily is speaking and when she is merely narrating. Because I am very, very confused right now. ={

-Anyway. Birthday. [“]Chris, Chris, you’re... fought a stupid war.[“] -Just guessing on that one. I really can’t tell with your dialogue. =/

-I just had a thought. If all that stuff I just mentioned above is actually part of one huge chunk of dialogue, you need to make that much clearer, because some of it sounds like it should be prose and you have several quotation marks WITHIN the quotation marks. I don’t know what to recommend here, because I don’t know what you’re doing, except that you clear it up pronto.

-“...on a calm[,] cool Saturday night.” -One very minor grammatical thing. When making lists of objects of characteristics, you need a comma to separate them.

-“Made the sign of a cross.” -This is a sentence fragment. “[I] made the sign of a cross.” Voila. Now it’s a real sentence.

-“...that almost three-year-old day in my head....” -This sounds really odd. Either rearrange it so that the reader doesn’t trip over it or omit “almost three-year-old” and make another sentence including the fact that this particular day was three years ago.

-“Eyes shuttering closed, just for a moment, what was he thinking...” -On top of being a sentence fragment and spelling shuddering wrong, I couldn’t figure out who you were talking about. Is Emily closing her eyes and asking herself what he was thinking about? Because if that’s the case, you need to make this a real sentence and put “What was he thinking” in italics to indicate that Emily is thinking dialogue.

-“That’s the end.” -This feels like it’s in present tense, while everything else thus far has been in past tense. Make it “That was the end”. It will make more sense that way because the perceived tense change will be fixed.

-“The Army of East was gone.” -Why is “gone” italicised? I understand that you’re trying to emphasise that the army was gone, but italicising it only unbalances the sentence. It has plenty of punch without the italics. Same thing with “Today mattered. I would make it matter.” You don’t need the italics. Use them sparingly. Too much kills the prose.

-“There was a certain taste that the City only had at six am.” -Capitalize AM or say “in the morning”. Otherwise it just looks like “am” and it will throw the reader off.

-“Pretty little doll in a pretty little box, ha.” -It took me a moment to figure out that this is what people say about Emily. Is there a way to separate it and add a note that people say this about her? Otherwise it’s jarring.

-When you refer to Emily and the policeman as “direction” and “power”, I think you should capitalise them. Otherwise they look like typos. Just a suggestion.

-“...a catching glint on the handcuffs and the man’s blond hair...” -I’m not sure what this is supposed to mean. I don’t think “catching” is an adjective. Do you mean that a glint caught on his handcuffs and hair?

-Don’t use sound effects in italics. It makes me feel like I’m in a comic book. Use real sentences incorporating the sound. “The man panted” instead of “Pant pant”. Something like that.

-Throughout this first chapter, I noticed that you seem to have trouble with distinguishing between different kinds of dialogue and prose. I’m sure you know what you want. You just have trouble making it clear. Print this chapter out, go through it very carefully, and mark out all your dialogue with a highlighter. Then make sure your quotation marks and italic thought dialogue matches.

-You also have trouble with overloading your sentences with extra descriptions and notes. Be careful not to stuff them too full of information. An overstuffed sentence is just as bad as too many little sentences. See if you can’t find a healthy balance between the two.

Well then. Aside from all that, I don’t have much else to say. Over all, this is an excellent start! Your descriptions are gorgeous, your world is coming to life, and I can already see Emily’s personality emerging. I don’t have time now (my own writing and my reading list are calling), but I will definitely be back to see where Emily and “Power” go. Just make sure you clearly mark everything out for your reader, and don’t stuff your sentences until they overflow. Until then, this goes on my picks for potential. I hope this comment helps a bit! If you have any questions or something I said doesn’t make sense, message me and I’ll see if I can’t clarify. =)

Tootles for now. Best of luck!

~Tori, HealedMyWings
Aspiring editor
The Game of War

report abuse

blueview

wrote 136 days ago

Wow. This was a great read. The prologue, Breakdown, was amazing. It provided a great start to the story, very well written and flowed nicely. The metaphor in that first paragraph was so well written.
In the first chapter, I really liked how she remembered her times with Chris. It was all very believable with the dialogues and when she was talking to Chris. The emotion was there through it all and it was simply amazing. This will be picked!

Suggestions:
"...and breathed really [deeply] to chase..."

report abuse

danakay

wrote 137 days ago

The breakdown -- So gorgeously written. The ending line is so powerful and the prose is so punchy. Wow!
"Calm[,] cool Saturday night"
"is stupid[,] too"
Sometimes the use of 'you' in the story got a little confusing. Sometimes you were talking to Chris and sometimes it was a vague 'you', not meaning Chris.
"And...today is m day" Nice line.
I love all the reminising that is going on. Sometimes it got a little confusing, back and forth, but otherwise quite cool
Your prose is SO powerful. You have punchy lines like your last one, "Or else I'll come to you" and " -- stopped"
Sora is quite a cool name!
One thing is to remember to break up your paragraphs a bit more. When there is a new thought or action, new paragraph :)
One of my favorite lines was "I, meanwhile, lay on the ground and felt like crap" The subtle humor like this is fantastic.
I absolutely love this and am picking it.

report abuse

a_pyres

wrote 137 days ago

its really good. The plot is interesting and the prologue is really hooking. i found a couple places where i thought the phrasing was a little awkward, but other than that this is awesome. XD ill read the rest tomorrow...

report abuse

Dain Broadbent

wrote 140 days ago

Here it comes (finally!): a critique from me to you.

PROLOGUE

This is beautiful. Your first paragraph is so inventive, so alien in its comprehensive, aesthetic magnificence. Haha, a bunch of big words that mean I’m in love. It’s so gorgeous! Tell me how you did it.

CHAPTER ONE

~ “Was the man hanging from the cross over the altar frowning? ‘The Commandments say nothing about threatening people,’ I told him, ‘so don’t look at me like that.’” This amuses me.

~ “If I closed my eyes, I could see that almost three-year-old day in my head, even though I hadn’t been there: a tall, proud silhouette, gray against the dawn… In the orange juice and milk sky, a sprinkling of pepper[:] planes.” I really really really really really like this line. I want to say love but I feel that the word will grow redundant pretty soon. It’s just… elegant and naïve and wondrous in a childlike way. Normally I would be mortified by an “orange juice and milk sky”, but it fits in perfectly here.

~ “He didn’t even look at me. No one looks at dolls.” I love this metaphor that you have going. And the boxes are still swimming around, too.

~ let me take a bullet and just say that this is brilliant. Lovelovelovelove

And I don’t want to do this, but I have to finish now. I’ll be back… I don’t even have to pinky-swear. You know that I’ll be back.

I’ve already ranted about your style. It is poetic and charmingly young, yet so astute and mature, it almost seems to be a paradox. Ringing and pure yet tainted with adulthood, with loss and grief and freedom. The words embody Emily, which is how it should be, they twist around her and create her yet are at her beck and call at the same time. It’s wonderful. I love your word choice, from the jewels slipping down her as she approaches the altar in the beginning to the orange juice and milk sky with pepper planes.

And there’s no need to worry about character development, either. Chris, Emily, Chief, even the depiction of the crucifix in the church are all molded and flowing from the black and white page. Emily’s personality is so interesting; she realizes the metaphorical box in which she is contained, realizes her lack of control in her own life, a very mature thing to see about oneself, yet sings “happy birthday dear stupid brother” inside of an empty church. It’s endearing, to find a character so human.

Alright. I’ll be back. Don’t wait up though, for it might be a while.

Lots of love; let’s work on getting this up into the Top 5, where it belongs. Awright? Awright!

Best!

report abuse

WendySue

wrote 140 days ago

Hola,
I looooved "breakdown". That first paragraph was genius - the way it was worded. It completely embodies parental over-protectiveness. Perfect example of showing, not telling.
I was a little confused for a second about whether she was talking out loud to her brother or thinking those things in her mind (because there were quote-marks missing), but I just scrolled down to Evie J's notes to see if she caught it and she did. Ditto what she said on the quotation marks. :)
Okay, this is really good. I am in love with your timing and your use of metaphor and imagery. The way you word things, ugh, so good. This main character rocks. Her voice is strong, and I could feel her emotion and determination reverberating throughout this first chapter. She's definitely someone who I want to take this journey with.
Excellent writing: polished, gripping and entertaining.
On my picks. I can't believe it has a despicable little pink arrow. I want to make it go away!
Take care,
Wendy

report abuse

colorgirl48

wrote 141 days ago

I read the first two chapters, and still want to keep going. But I'm about to be starting another story and I can feel it tugging at my mind, wanting to be written. So I'll have to stop, for now. First of all- LOVE IT! I like how you started it out with the metaphor of being in a box, and continued using it. 2nd, it's really touching about her brother. I hope he comes back, but I think I'd rather know what happened to him, even if it's not good. The last words in both of the chapters I read are suspenseful- I got really caught up in it. It is really great so far, can't wait to read more!

report abuse

Evie J

wrote 142 days ago

Heya!
As promised, my notes:
(Some are just suggestions of course, so don't feel pressured)

Prologue:
Amazing prologue! One of my favorites I've read. The writing is great and the ending line sent chills up my spine!

Chapter 1:
At the beginning of each paragraph while she's still talking, you need quotes. Like this:
calm[,] cool Saturday night.
["]Anyway. Birthday...
["]I shouldn't...
["]Trust my brother...
["]Ha, I don't..
["]Chris...
Etc...Make sense?
Holy, I almost started crying! The emotion is incredible and believable. One moment, need to compose myself.
[Chris's] day.
Try: [took a deep breath] or [and breathed deeply]
Try: [a tall, proud, gray against the dawn, single silhouette among...] So that you're not repeating [silhouette.]
waiting[,] rank and file (I think. I kind of got a tad confused on this sentence)
That [was] the end.
blazed [over] the edge of the...
I wouldn't italicize [mattered] the make in the next sentence emphasizes it enough.
Your writing is fantastic!
[weren't] even made...she [couldn't]
called jerk...she [was] a...she [was]...
[No one looka at dolls.] Brilliant line!
ninteen[-]year[-]old girl
who [got] up an extra hour...

Overall:
Holy...why isn't this in the top yet? The emotion is incredible. It's so unique and I love the comparison to the doll in a box. It's fabulous and so creative! Your voice is wonderful and it was nice to read. There were one or two sentences (I pointed them out) that were just wee bit confusing, but that was it. The flow was great. The dialogue is realistic and so is the narration. Just, fabulous!

Great work! Picked!

report abuse

Desertfish

wrote 144 days ago

1-7
I wasn't sure about this at first - the pitch was interesting but didn't grab me completely. I'm glad that I read, anyway.

This is a fascinating premise: bringing two disparate characters together in a kind of symbiosis isn't new, but you have such wonderful characters. I can imagine Chief, and Emily, and Emily's mom, and Nana, because they have been drawn with skill and flair. You like them, so we do as well.

I like the italics to highlight the different voice. This gives us just enough additional information about Chief to appreciate him and his interactions with Emily. It's far better done this way than having your 1st person narrator either comment or drag out his innermost thoughts through aggressive dialog. It's a nice touch!

I'm having a hard time with the city itself. Cyberpunk/20 minutes in the future, or should I be imagining somewhere else entirely? It's not really important though; the characters are what attract me to this story.

One nit, possibly: do you mean "Corps" as in Marine Corps, or "Core"?

Thanks for a great read - picked!

report abuse

Wambach 6

wrote 146 days ago

This is the third time I'm trying to comment on this. Stupid inkpop hasn't been working well for me all day.

Now...is it bad that I fell in love with this the moment I read the pitch? You did a brilliant job on that, by the way. A pitch is supposed to attract reads, and yours certainly accomplishes that.

Prologue: Absolutely brilliant. Drew me in and kept me captivated throughout its short length. Sometimes I find shorter pieces much more poignant than longer pieces, and this prologue is definitely an example of that.

So much imagery in just the first paragraph alone (favorite line: "Mine was a box of hands held while I crossed the street...")

"Boxes hold our precious things. And boxes break." I love hidden metaphors, double meanings, things like that. This alone makes me want to read on.

Chapter one:

"Happy birthday, dear stupid brother..." That made me literally laugh out loud. Such a thing is something siblings would really say to each other.

And then I read on and gasped when I realized the brother was dead. That makes the moment even more endearing. Wow.

"So please be here." I'll admit...I'm tearing a bit at this monologue...beautifully written.

"The enemy is gone. And so are you." Wow. Mcrae mentioned this line, but it really is such a powerful line. It's wonderful that I can actually imagine the way these two used to be, their relationship. Great characterization. And this line actually reminds me of "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini, because one of the characters from Afghanistan loses two brothers in a war, and that line describes the mother's emotions perfectly (brilliant book, by the way).

"I would make today matter." Your main character is so strong, and I can feel her pain so much that I'm tearing up as well.
Doesn't help that I'm listening to "Hands" by Jewel.

"Pretty little doll in a pretty little box." Wow. There's great imagery in that line, because I can imagine those types of girls (I dislike most of them...lol)

"Her fist aren't even made for fighting." Mcrae said it all about this line.

"No one looks at dolls." Can I punch you for being so brilliant?

"Power without direction. And direction without power." Grrr...I really think I just might beat you up.

And...wow.

Wow, and wow again.

The first two chapters of this, and I'm both blown away, and unable to find any SPaG errors. The main character is so funny, and the things she says are so poignant, that I have these, "Oh my God, I wish I thought of writing that," moments; moments that only happen when I'm reading something very, very good.

And beyond good this is.

It's poetic, without being overindulgent, and powerful without being the least bit redundant. The only thing I'm confused about is the time period and setting, like Mcrae. But perhaps that's something that is revealed in a further chapter.

Absolutely wonderful job, interesting characters, interesting plot, and definitely on my pick list.

report abuse

LexTheGreat

wrote 146 days ago

breakdown was absolutely beautiful. never ever ever ever ever change it. ever.
"The enemy is gone. And so are you.", "Power without direction", the second paragraph of King, "some people say good when they mean phenomenal". you're being so big and emotional and powerful without even trying. its amazing. This story is so ridiculously interesting and well written. The only things I noticed were things like missing commas, but I'm a comma junkie so you probably meant for it to be written like that. I like Emily. She's very relatable to me with the overprotective mom. I don't have a word to describe how good this book is. If there was anything I didn't like you made it intentional-like not knowing a lot about Chief. Maybe that'll change once I read more. But I've picked this, and I hope it ends up in the top 5!!

report abuse

neisaf

wrote 149 days ago

I like how she was like happy birthday stupid brother. Overall I really liked it. I got a little confused between chapters, but I've only gotten to chapter 5 so I'm sure there is more to be explained. I like the Cheif the best. I can't stand Nana! lol. I really felt like punching her in the face. lol. I don't know if that is the emotion that you were trying to get across to the readers. My fav. chap. so far is the first one where she's in the church. It's kind of sad but comical all at the same time. I love the whole box thing and the whole parent watching over you! I know what that feels like. And I'm sure that a lot of other readers can relate. I feel her pain of bein a woman and not having the power that a man does. He tottaly ignores her! Also what time period is this? It sounded like the future but the past all at the same time. It makes me feel like the world has improved in technology and such but women will always be fighting to be seen. This is really good though! Keep it up! I want to know what happens! It's very creative and original. Great Book! :)

report abuse

Arcana_Hereticae

wrote 152 days ago

"Wardrobe incongruity" is my new favorite phrase lmao. I like your story a lot because it is fast-paced and packed with action, something that most stories on here are lacking for their beginning chapters. But no. Your beginning chapters really suck the reader in with your elegant, yet edgy voice and all that's going on. Throughout this, I really just wanted to know why Emily thought of herself as a "doll", which is a symbol for powerlessness I assume. Speaking of which, I like your use of symbolism as well. And chapter 2 made me cry, thinking about Chris being away at war, I could feel Emily's sadness.
But, I feel like the doll reference isn't explained well enough, and maybe I just need to read farther, but I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that reason why Emily views herself as powerless has something to do with her childhood...that is what I'm getting from your story so far. Let me know if I'm off.
Nonetheless, this is great. It's on my picks and I'm coming back to read more.

report abuse

Tracy McCarthy

wrote 154 days ago

Ok Constellation,
This is exquisite. Such an astonishing literary piece. I love love love your characters. You've crafted them with such artistic precision. I am just in love with the conflict you've built here. It has an almost ethereal quality to it, yet you've written it in such a way that I am INSTANTLY emotionally connected to what is happening.
Wonderful, wonderful work.
So happy to have this on my picks.

report abuse

Nella-Rosmarino

wrote 154 days ago

Very poetic, but I got a bit confused!
Is this set in the future, past or present?
I didn't know the police was following that guy!
I did like your main character and I do wonder what
happened to him. Sorry, maybe I got confused due to
lack of sleeep,

good job.

report abuse

Mimi Mckenzie

wrote 158 days ago

there are so many powerful lines in this, and it's absolutely amazing. it's flawless, and i can picture this stuff. i luv it, and this is going on my picks.

report abuse

electra73

wrote 163 days ago

I like this story because it leaves the reader with questions that they must read to find an answer.... Great Job!!!

report abuse

LittleVoices

wrote 163 days ago

A beautiful story. You have flawless writing and these first few chapters are really engaging. Your dialogue is nice and smooth and the decsription you've used is very visual, I really liked it! You have a natural talent at writing and you're able to keep your readers interested, I can't seem to stop reading this :D I'm loving the humour here and your characters are just great!

Looking forward to reading more from you :)

report abuse

Kelly Moton

wrote 163 days ago

There's nothing bad about. And it's really good. I like it. :)

report abuse

unique_critique_13

wrote 164 days ago

wow...this is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo amazing there aren't enough ooo's in the entire world to describe it. its well-thought out, elegant, put-together, digestable, beautiful...like i said, i can't describe it.
there are a lot of awkward sentences that detract from its wonderfullness, though. i probably couldn't list all of them, my suggestion would be to read it over and find those distracting parts. i think you'll know which ones they are.

but overall, this is probably the best piece i've seen on inkpop...its so focused and poetic, without being overwhelming. you truly have a gift. and i am absolutely in love with your first chapter (breakthrough) and every chapter after it only gets better and more gorgeous. i could just feel the pain of losing chris...almost made me cry it was so realistic.
keep going! and this is on my picks now!!!!! i just wish i could steal some of your talent...

report abuse

Maddie11

wrote 165 days ago

Oh. My. Goodness.
This is absolutely breathtaking and stunning. You are incredibly talented-- the imagery and the detail in this is amazing. I only noticed a few grammar errors (below) and the writing in this is honestly some of the best I've seen on this site. I've read about half of this and I can promise that I'll be back for more.
To start, I'll give you some constructive feedback, just a few grammar errors and stuff I noticed:
Chris, I love you. Come home soon.’ I thought for a moment…” You forgot the first pair of quotes :)
“Yeah, that was all I would do, all I could do ever.” I feel like this sentence is a little awkward, and I’m not sure what you’re trying to say… Maybe try saying “all I could ever do…” would make it sound a little more natural.
“You know the recruits scared to death of you.” Should this be “the recruits are scared…” or “The recruit is scared to death of you…”?
“That kind of talking like that can be more intimate than PDA.” Don’t really understand this sentence…
Now back to the good stuff :D First of all, the characterization in this is simply incredible. Nana, Chief “Sammy” and Emily are all so well defined—I especially love Nana; she cracks me up ☺ The scene with the sauce was hysterical-- there are a lot of really funny bits in this, but some serious ones too. Emily's character cracks me up. “Total wardrobe incongruity aside…” Haha, love this line.
As I said before, you are very talented with imagery. For example, “Power without direction. And direction without power.” This is such a cool image, and I’m pretty sure it’s a metaphor for the book. Really powerful—great job ☺Same with the paragraph beginning with “You people pretending to be fluffly little clouds…” Absolutely incredible—wow, seriously amazing imagery.
You establish Chief and his relationship with Emily really well in the first scene with him. Love how you connected everything together in this scene, with the navigation/direction thing, and the “power” thing from before. Does that make sense?
You are incredible at similies and metaphors. For example: “The release of the lock sounded like a tin elephant collapsing.” These kinds of things paint a picture in my mind of Emily’s world, and you pull them off beautifully. Especially all those metaphors in between chapters-- those are sooo cool, and I can't wait to see how they relate to the book. I especially loved the first one... lovely image of her being a doll, but heartbreaking at the same time.
Okay, that's all I have to say for now :) However, I'll definitely be back to read more, and this is going on my picks :) Great job!!
~Maddie

report abuse

J.B. Fisher

wrote 165 days ago

Who are you? I think you are playing us all as fools. You’re some best selling author using the name Orion and honoring us with your presence on this simple site. Your skill sets you apart and the rest of us will never reach your height. Just like Orion the constellation is out of reach you are so far above the rest of us it’s pathetic. I’m not just blowing smoke; I see pure genius in your writing almost like I’m reading a beautifully composed symphony of words.

For example:

“What if that art was so heartbreaking, so blindingly beautiful that to look on it day after day, to grow up immersed in it from day number one changed people? And to live in it without that desensitization was to hold a staring contest with the sun?”

Are you kidding me? Where did that come from? It’s phenomenal!! I’m awed by your words and humbled by your talent. I’m considering not writing ever again since I can’t hold a candle to your genius. Bravo!

report abuse

C. D. Verhoff

wrote 167 days ago

This book has been on my watch list a long while and now I ask myself why. This is excellent writing. Great plot. A fantastic heroine and elegant prose. "Power without direction," and from the metaphor about the box and the doll . . . this is full of brilliant insights. My only complaint is I felt confused about the setting. "The City" had an otherworldly feel about it, but it must be earth. There's a crucifix and she makes the sign of the cross, so she must be Catholic. There's Miranda rights . . . so it has to be the USA. There's an eastern army, so I assume the enemy is across the sea, not on land, because Virginia, Maine, etc. is about as far east as you can get. I guess I want a sentence or two to clue me in on what year this is and the state of the world at that time, the condition of the USA at this time. Is it under martial law? Who are they at war with? For how long? What's at stake? I don't want a lot of back story, like I said just a line or two, maybe when she's reflecting about the war would be a good time to insert its cause. Just a thought.

Anyway, other than that, I couldn't find much to criticize. Excellent work.

report abuse

GG Anderson

wrote 167 days ago

I am still reading this- it is amazing!!! Really well written- Like I said before, I sooo love the intro- captures the interest immediately!
Well done so far, I will write more when I am farther in- I am only in chapter 3

report abuse

kevinwong_HoD

wrote 168 days ago

Wow. This is a unique tale. It could make a great graphic novel I'd think. It seems very visual. I love the theme and the premise for your story. It's like a comic book almost, but in a book form. Excellent work my friend! :-)

Yours Truly,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

report abuse

writerchick

wrote 168 days ago

This is one of the most amazing pieces I have read on Inkpop. It's brilliant. You are an extremely talented writer. The box metaphor is just incredible. Wow... I'm in awe. Your imagery is entracing. I felt like I stepped into this story and experienced it first hand. Amazing, amazing job. I'm not even sure what else to say. lol. watch list right now and picks later today!

report abuse

GG Anderson

wrote 168 days ago

SERIOUSLY AWESOME BEGINNING!!

report abuse

Jeremie Guy

wrote 169 days ago

Prefaces and Prologues are hard to pull off, but the one you have was beautiful. A box of hands is a great idea. Good job with that.

Your first paragraph has a lot of great description. The stained glass bit is gorgeous. Lol I thought your characters were great. Loved the line of the singing happy birthday and calling the brother stupid. Very realistic. "Outside, the sun blazed up over the edge of the horizon, and stabbed the corners of my eyes." Wonderful line. I haven't read the whole thing, but what I have read has been great. Loved the descriptions and the character descriptions. Keep it up!

report abuse

isabella2296

wrote 170 days ago

First, thanks for the wonderful comment on "Winter Child". Second, I hope my comment will be as helpful as yours was :)

"breakdown" - Okay, wow. This was... beautiful. The comparison of a box to the protective shelter a mother provides her daughter is unique and apt. I love the "don't-talk-to-strangers and then hell-don't-talk-to-anyone", because it shows how dangerous it was and how much the mother cared for the child more than straight-out telling us could. My nitpicks for this page are small.

* Walls of a parent's very great love * - I would remove the phrase "very great", since "parent's love" indicates a strong one. Furthermore, I think "mother's love" might be more powerful.

* and built me a box of her love * - This is gorgeous, really, but you already used "walls of ... love", so this feels a little repetitive.

However, I so love the "Boxes hold our precious things.", then how you skipped a line, and "And boxes break." Ahh, it's so poetic!

"Collision Course" - Oh, I really like how she calls him "stupid" so many times, because it shows how close they are and how she has to insult him to keep herself from breaking down, how important he is to her. The emotions feel very well-portrayed. my only concern as to the beginning of the chapter is that at first, the description makes it feel almost surreal, ans then her words almost shatter that, since they're harsh and angry, like. I don't know, maybe a little transition of some sort could be used. Also, it may seem just a tad more real if she hesitated a few times during her monologue.The words she speak also feel like they're, I don't know, prepared, if you know what I'm saying?

* stabbed into the corners of my eyes * - so pretty :)

* burst out in sparkling drops * - gorgeous, oh my god

This is so beautiful! Going on my picks immediately.

report abuse

xX-Forgotten_Angel-Xx

wrote 171 days ago

"Boxes Break" Powerful like that
This was extreamly powerful and very discriptive, i loved how it really painted a picture about the MC
All of your medophors and similes were great and very well spoken and thought out, i liked this a lot
I hope you post more soon :D
~ Alyna

report abuse

Mcrae by Nature

wrote 171 days ago

Review of Taking Eden,

The Breakdown, I literally have no idea what to say about this. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever read. “Boxes Break”.......... UNBELIEVABLE.

Collision Course,

“The enemy is gone, and so are you.” What a powerful statement. I love the way she feels about her brother, the sadness and the anger combine well to create a believable character.

“Her fist aren’t even made for fighting.” I love getting to know how Emily feels about herself. I can tell that she hates the fact that she is so sheltered and so ‘fragile’ almost. I like it because that is bound to change and it will be a great transformation to read about.

“Power without direction.’ I am blown away by this book. It is seriously beyond amazing. Your writing is pure poetry, even in the way it starts and stops and starts up again. I feel like I am actually following her train of thought. Wow.

One thing I am a tad confused on is the time period this is set in. I tend not to read the pitch just to see how much I can get from the book itself and so far I’ve got nothing. This felt futuristic, but I can’t place it for sure. Well, read on then.

King,

PURE POETRY, that is all I can say. You are a poet and I am so sucked up in your poetry.I cannot WAIT to read more of this. If you are not a winner in my lottery, I will still be adding this to my picks. Unfortunately to make it fair, I cannot pick this until after the lottery is over but it will be on my picks. I PROMISE.

Carrie L McRae
Things that Break

report abuse

InVenereVeritas

wrote 171 days ago

..i don't know what to say...it's simply amazing! i LOVE it!! i'm only on chapter one but still..i just really really really love it!

report abuse

gillofnerd

wrote 172 days ago

This is absolutely amazing. I usually only read the first chapter before commenting, but before I knew it, I had finished four. You are a terrific writer armed with a brilliant and unique story.

This is going on my picks, and I'm coming back to finish it!!

report abuse

Hexen

wrote 172 days ago

I read chapter 1 and two and it is a rather enjoyablebook - not my cup of tea, but still encapturing :)

Description is defiantly one of your strong points [alothough some are a bit 'wordy' which can make them confusing...
I like the way you eased Chris into the story, but one thing I would comment on is that she is talking through [prety much] the whold of chapter 1, which is something that sort of caught me as in some pleaces I did not if she was speaking or if something was happening [actions etc].

I think that your narative, overall, is beautifull - a few spelling and grammer erros that could be fixed up [e.g. the splitting of paragraphs in Chapter 1, some could be joined] but overall - fantastic flow :)

Will add to my WL and read on later x

Hex x

report abuse

inkpop: The Online Community of Rising Stars in Teen Lit

Taking Eden

comments

spread the word about inkpop:

Sign in to inkpop

Already on inkpop?

Join Inkpop