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Rank 3103 (-56)
Word Count
2894
Date submitted
01.23.2010
Date Updated
by Adam
ShortStory: Horror
A boy must stare down Death himself.
Sean Oldhey's grandpa is sick and dying. The only way to save him is to outwit the grim reaper.
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On 1 Watch Lists
13 Comments
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wrote 1 day ago
Aha, I'm here! You thought I was lying, didn't you? Well, anyway, just some thoughts:- Great first paragraph. It already gives the reader a sense of how they should view the main characters.You do wonderfully with pronouns! I'm always reading stories where "he" "she" and "it" are unspecified, and I'd get lost in the dialogue with no tags either. Thank you.- Sometimes your writing detracts from the story and its flow, but not by much. There are some instances where the writing could be simplified a little. "Sean put his hand on the door and pushed." < This could be cleaned up, so whatever you're trying to say is conveyed as smoothly as possible. "Sean pushed through the door." < (just and example). However, I do like the short sentences; it pushes the reader forward.- I love the imagery you use to describe Quigley. But, if you can find a way so spread all that description out, instead of having it in one big chunky paragraph, it would be a little better. I feel like I'm being narrated through the story.- Hmm... when Sean outright tells Quigley that he's looking for something to prevent death, it doesn't seem to realistic. I wouldn't just walk into a magic store and tell the man that. I'd probably be a little embarrassed, feel foolish almost, because how many people believe they can prevent death?- Love Quigley's dialogue. It really depicts his strange personality. - You use "well" three times in a row. It just jumped out at me, sorry.- Wow, this is certainly a creative way to look at the Grim Reaper. I don't think I've heard this version before.- Grr... I saw that coming. Smooth move, Sean. You know what? Death needs a girlfriend. Right now he's a jerk.Overall, awesome job. Not too scary, but it was a good read. I hope you agree with at least a few of my suggestions above. Nice work.peace
Haha, I expected a catch with the medallion but I didn’t expect THAT to happen. It’s so sweet that Sean was trying to help his grandfather, although there was an unknown consequence.I like your story idea, and I thought your writing flowed pretty well. You gave just enough to keep the story going, but you didn’t go crazy with descriptions and explanations and other unnecessary things… I really love the narration because there was something really mysterious and omniscient about it. Also, there weren’t any mistakes, so nice job! Like others have said, you could develop the story, but I think it’s fine the way it is. Keep writing:D
wrote 183 days ago
You have alot of good work on here. like the flow, great work yet again.
i like the simplicity of the beginning like "oh, you don't want your grandpa to die? okay, just...""death at the door". teehee.oh, i like how quigley kind of set him up, kind of tricked him... this piece is definitely pretty awesome, it flows nicely with no unnecessary parts or anythinggreat!
fun!
wrote 184 days ago
ooooh, I really enjoyed this. I don't like the shop owner though. He was like planning Sean's death in a way. :P nice job!~ashley XD
This was a great read I enjoyed it. Nice writing. I thought when he'd saved his grandfather, that the perspective would change and that someone would find him dead in the chair beside the bed. But your ending works too.I spotted two tiny typos. It's worth pointing out, I hope you don't mind."Shawn" - Sean"he ad" - he had.Nice work.Leigh
Wow... this is really good. The ending was such a surprise!! The whole story flowed nicely and there were hardly any grammar mistakes. Nice job!! This is going on my watchlist :)
wrote 185 days ago
I missed that you had put horror for genre, and so I was rather shocked at the end. But really good story! And good grammar(not something you see very often on here) keep up the good work! :)
wrote 186 days ago
i think you should turn this into a novel, this being the prologue. I have an idea for a plot: death saw sean wasnt ready to die. So, he granted him eternal life, but for a cost- he was death's apprentice. He trains sean by having him go around the world to collect the souls of the dead and escorting them to heaven. he is much genteler than death, not a demon, but an angel. You could write it about his advrentures while collecting the souls :)
wrote 188 days ago
Oh my life. Totally chilling! You write a great story line and you have fantastic grammar. I would say that the end seemed slightly rushed comapred to the beginning, like I would have liked to see more detail. But I really enjoyed reading this!! It's going on my watchlist until there is room for it on my Picks. I'll msg u when it's up.
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