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Rank 9581 (-85)
Word Count
1335
Date submitted
01.27.2010
Date Updated
01.28.2010
by Adam
ShortStory: , Adventure, Science Fiction/Fantasy
A boy cab see the future and change it with his mind.
Damon Kingsley can see the future and change it with only a thought. Because of this, the evil League of Superiors is chasing him, determinned to put his powers to their own use- or kill him. This book is available on lulu.com. This is only a sample of this story, so don't expect or ask me to upload more. I actually want to sell some! If you want to read more, follow this link: http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/seeing-dark-future/6149335?productTrackingContext=center_search_results
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wrote 94 days ago
Short Story Comment- Seeing Dark FuturemThis was an awesome tease. Now I want more. I thought you have a great premise here, and I also adore your character's voice. He's funny and refreshing, which is just great. I like the way I felt like he was talking right to me at times. It make me feel like part of the book. One thing I saw though, when chapter one started, I noticed a lot of your sentences started with the word "I". you might want to just go through and reword a few of your sentences to break up the repetitive I's. Here is a suggested edit, just to help you out a bit, "I hailed a cab........ and grabbed my suitcase." I'll rewrite this whole section for you to help you see how it can be done without the I's. also, in this section, you never discribe him getting into the car :P "Stepping onto the curb, I raised my hand, hailing a cab. The Superiors would catch up to me if I didn't get home soon to gather my things. The cab smelled of cheap cologn as I stepped into it and sat down. I had to practically hold my breath the entire ride, and was thankful when we finally stoped outside my apartment building, which used to be a decrepit old office building. Taking the steps two at a time, I ran into the building, and grabbed my waiting suitcase." Hoped that helped even a little. I love this story so far and I think it is well worth a pick. I'll have it on my picks by tomorrow afternoon. Thanks. Carrie L Mcrae
wrote 181 days ago
Nice! I like it alot. Cool idea, and nice hook. The descriptions were great! :]Ke
wrote 183 days ago
wow. that sounds like a really good story. Usually when I see things about seeing the future I don't read it, because people tend to tweek it till its cheesy or over done, but this had made me really interested. You did a really great job
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