Book Jacket

Rank 258 (+479)

Word Count

37958

Date submitted

01.27.2010

Date Updated

01.31.2010

Half Iron

by sheaelaine

Book: Science Fiction/Fantasy

Cordelia needed a break before her senior year. New Hampshire seemed all right until the brook and the wings she thought she saw.

Cordelia’s summer is meant to be relaxing, an easy break from Florida before beginning her senior year of high school. Going to her estranged grandmother’s home on a whim might not have been Cordelia’s first choice, but it was her only one. Without her mother’s approval and without a father to tell her no, Cordelia sets out for misty, chilly New Hampshire. The new, different setting mystifies Cordelia but not as much as her eerily supernatural reflection in the brook or Culver, who tell her that she doesn’t know where he could take her. The summer, while meant to be a retreat from her normal life, becomes much more real than Cordelia imagined as the mysteries of her family are revealed and so is Cordelia’s true identity as half-fey, or as they call her, Half-Iron.

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preistie

wrote 33 days ago

I wish you would have spent more time transitioning from Chapter One to Two before she went into town. What were her thoughts at what she saw and heard? The event couldn’t have just gone to the back of her mind to be forgotten about. After seeing yourself transform and have someone/something supposedly chasing you, I’m certain that’d be on your mind.

“Don’t just wonder into the woods.” Wonder = wander

There are a few grammatical errors throughout your writing. Luckily they can all be fixed with a read-through.

After reading the first five chapters, I still feel disconnected from all of your characters. Culver is distant. Becca is outgoing. Adam is love sick. Cordelia is the girl-next-door. Those are all very basic descriptions of characters, but I honestly can’t think of any deeper descriptions for any of them. Your plot is moving along, but it’s blotchy, the transitions having holes in them.

From my previous collection of readings in life, I can already tell what your story is going to be about, at least the world that will be entered. There’s mystery into the unknown of the woods and with the conversations with Culver, but the hook in your story is very faint. I didn’t feel my interest grabbed until the fifth chapter, and in my opinion, that’s much too long of time. While it’s not good to rush into the plot from the get go, I feel you could offer a bit more information to at least keep the readers’ attention. But I am excited to see just how everything plays out.

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cyc

wrote 33 days ago

on my picks :)

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DD

wrote 33 days ago

so i've read the first 5 chapters, twice. great writing and love the storyline. some really good imagery to set the tone. i looked over the other comments and cyc was very thorough. you definitetly thank her. when you get a chance those are the fixes i'd suggest too. i'm going to say something that i hated the first time i heard it but here it goes...you have a great backbone to build off of and i can see you have the potential to make this a truly exceptional story
best wishes
d;

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cyc

wrote 34 days ago

Half Iron has been an exciting read. I love reading about fairies. (I’m a fan of Holly Black.) So far, you have a great story about a girl who finds out she’s half. You have some raw and beautiful descriptions of the different creatures in the woods and the Unseelie Court. I really like Cordelia’s interactions with the various people in her life, especially with Culver :)

Since it’s the beginning, I’m curious about Adam and if he’s more involved in this fairy world…

Can’t wait to see more :)

Some errors I’ve noticed:

Ch 1
“It’s good to see you too, Gran[,]” I replied, though it was muffled.
“Good[.]” [S]he beamed.
“That’s nice[,]” [s]he said with a smile.
“Thanks[.]” [S]he smiled.
“[Your] mom loved that trail,” she said.

Ch 2
I [winced] when I brushed the peroxide soaked cotton over my knee.
Suddenly, a hand came down on my shoulder[.] “Cordelia.”
“Sweetheart, are you okay?”
“I [fell] on the trail…”
Seeing a boy [shining] in the middle of a bookshop had sent me reeling.

Ch 3
“Yeah, apparently she runs that bookshop downtown, Books and Beans[,]” I told her.
“…I know that [your] mother wouldn’t want you hanging out around her either.”

Ch 4
“Well, it was nice meeting you[,]” I told Adam…
I [thought] about telling him.

Ch 6
“Don’t joke. That was the truck that brought you and your mother home from the hospital[.]” [S]he smiled proudly.
“Yeah, hey[.]” [H]e smiled, bagging my groceries.
“Yeah, since I was fifteen. It’s a good way to make some extra money[.]”
“Yeah, I’d like that[,]” I answered with a grin.
“Yeah, of course[,]” I said, smiling at his evident nervousness.

Ch 8
“…[Your] father is Havryn…”
“[Your] family has always been gifted…”

Ch 9
“Ugh[,]” I moaned.
The [woman] expected me to drop everything and do her stupid bidding.
I didn’t want to [lie] in her lap…
“Yes[,]” Culver answered in Tamryn’s place.

Ch 10
“I remember[,] Neela. [Your] his little pet…”
“To [confuse] people, in case anyone gets in,” Culver told me, explaining the tunnels.

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Broadway Baby

wrote 35 days ago

Mirror method: bad choice. Obvious choice. Judging by everything else you have here, you can do much better than that. One thing I would like to see brought to light a bit more is the mother's relationship with Gran.

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Rebecca Ryals Russell

wrote 36 days ago

CD Cerhoff said it perfectly. Do everything written in her comment and you'll have a blockbuster. You have great relationships and intriguing plot started. Just needs some editing.

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Mcrae by Nature

wrote 38 days ago

I like your opening paragraph, it really gives us a good sample of what you can do as a writer. There are a lot of open conflicts, like why Cordelia's mother has not visited gran. I am guessing it has something to do with the magical element introduced at the end of chapter one. I do not usually like it when writers describe their characters using mirrors because when a character looks in a mirror, you get an impression of them through what they see. I think it is better to mix it up with action and be more poetic about it.

"Every inch of me was tired" I think that was a great line.

Overall, this was a catchy begining. It will keep the reader wanting to know more. Best of luck with finishing it and thank you so much for reading mine.

Carrie L McRae
Things that Break

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earlybyrd

wrote 38 days ago

I like the relationship between Cordelia and her grandmother-- very awkward, and it comes through in the writing. Good descriptions there!

I know other people have mentioned this, but... the mirror, oh, the mirror...

And second chapter: "Where are your pants?" I love this. It might just be me, but... teehee.

I like the end of the first chapter as well-- sometimes we have to wait chapters and chapters... like till the middle of the book... to actually SEE ANYTHING SLIGHTLY RELATED TO THE PLOT. but you did well. :)

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LoVe.4EvrEmo

wrote 38 days ago

i read only a little bit but i really like it, i'll definatly come back when i have more time:)

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AriannaR

wrote 38 days ago

ill comment on ch 2 and on in a lil while. dont think im cheap, but i have swim and choir tonight so ill def get back to this tomorro

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AriannaR

wrote 38 days ago

Chapter one: Oh nom the mirror method. dont describe her so lazily, be creative!!!!!! soooooo many ppl, including myself have employed the mirror method. I changed it, and u shuld too, cos nothing is as un creative as the mirror method.
After tht, thers nothing bad. the only thing is the wings. that was sooo incredbily random. she doent feel the brush of them or anything, they just kinda show up.

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C. D. Verhoff

wrote 38 days ago

I'm starting with the negative stuff, but don't worry, I have positive things to say as well.

----"I reached up to ring the doorbell . . . It was that expression that was on my mind as I ring the cottage's doorbell . . . My nerves were shot when I pulled my finger away from the button with a ding."

This is the all-important opening paragraph and most of it is bout the friggin' doorbell! Unless this doorbell is a portal to Fairy Land or something, mention it only once and be done with it.

----Lots of passive voice going on here, which is frowned upon in literature today. To spot the passive voice in your writing look for forms of "TO BE" such as IS, ARE, AM, WAS, WERE, HAS BEEN, HAVE BEEN, HAD BEEN, WILL BE, WILL HAVE BEEN, BEING . . . followed by a past participle in the form of a vert that usually ends in "-ed". I'm no English guru myself and have trouble keeping all the rules straight, so you might want to double-check my defintion. Personally, I use WAS quite a bit in my writing. I would never try to totally eliminate passive voice all together, because I feel there are places where only passive will do, but I try to avoid it whenever I can.

I took the liberty of pulling a few lines from your story and turning them into active sentences:

Passive: Her face was lit up as she came toward me.
Active: Her face lit up as she came toward me.

Passive: It was enough to cause me to drop my duffel bag.
Active: It caused me to drop my duffel bag.

Passive: It was like I was a new student at a school or a tourist in a foreign country. That's basically what Parker STation, New Hampshire was to me.
Active: I felt so out of place in Parker Station, New Hampshire I imagined myself a tourist in a foreign country.

-----The Mirror Scene . . . . arggg! The Mirror Scene is where a character gazes into a mirror or some other reflective surface just so the author can give a rundown of her physical description. It's the lazy way out. Find another way to let the readers know what she looks like because this method is so cliche agents loathe seeing it and it might earn your manuscript an instant trip to the trashcan.
____________________________________________________

Okay, now I got the negative stuff out of the way, and even though it's piddly stuff, getting rid of it is important so you can put your best foot forward. And your best food is really attractive. You have the "meat" of good story telling down pact.

In my opinion, you have found the right place to open the story, just before a major bombshell explodes--when she sees her reflection in the water and lo and behold, she has silver wings, wow!

You've also succeeded in introducing the fantasy element just at the right time--at the beginning--which is essential if the reader is going to buy into it.

Furthermore, you've started the story just before the hint of major conflict to come AND you've avoided the blunder of giving loads of backstory in chapter 1, which would slow down the pace and make the reader lose interest. You deliver the hook and bring the reader into the thick of things, which is difficult to do so quickly, but bravo, you did it!

So even though I was critical on certain issues, realize I think you're an excellent storyteller, and that's saying a lot. You have a lot of natural talent to build upon. I'm proud to place this on my Pick List (once some shelf space unlocks). Fix the grammar issues and you'll have a hit on your hands.

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hollycat

wrote 38 days ago

I can really relate to the awkwardness of Cordelia and her gran because i',m like that with all my relatives. That part was very well written and I could really feel it.
You know when Cordelia said something about her dad? Well when she says it bugged her, then she says she was fine with it it kind of didnt fit because one second it did bug her then it did. I think maybe something like, I tried my best to not let it bother me too, would fit a little better into that.
Oooooh! I loved the end of the chapter! So mysterious! Amazing.
Anyway
I thought all the dialogue was very natural and everything. One thing i wantedto know was what her grandother looked like. I couldnt work out whether she was old or a kind of young gran. I think that might be nice for the reader to know.
If you have explained that and I've just missed it, or you explain it later on, just ignore me :P
That's all i have to say on chapter one, apart from I will be addin this to my pick list (:
Well done(:

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diane_stiffler

wrote 38 days ago

I like the awkwardness between Cordelia and Gran. I also like the references to Cordelia's mother. I can't wait to read more about her later in the story. I also like the interaction between characters. It flows naturally. I will definately be back to read more.

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_kris10

wrote 38 days ago

I added this to my picks because I can definitely see the potential. The dialogue, the prose, the narration...this was easily one of the best I've read on inkpop. The story itself is interesting and original, which is an extra few points. I have a hard time finding anything to critique. This was excellent.

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flying2far4u

wrote 38 days ago

Hey, so I haven't even finished all that you've posted on here, but I had to stop and say that this is AMAZING!! I am ADDICTED to this story- it's mysterious, suspenseful, and ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!! sorry, but I am adding this to my picks RIGHT NOW!!!
=) LOVING IT!!! and once I'm done adding it, I'm going to go back and finish obsessing over it! haha =)

oh and side note btw, I think you uploaded the same chapter twice- chapters 4 and 5 are the same thing. =)

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DD

wrote 39 days ago

i've added you to my reading list
d;

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Jinxy

wrote 42 days ago

Oh now this is good! I just sped through the first couple of chapters because it is so good.

No info-dumping! I think I love you! Most books on here seem to feel the need to tell the reader everything in one go - but I love that you spread it out drip feeding us little clues and signs of her personality. I like the Gran - I feel there is going to be much more to find out about her!

Brilliant hook at the end of the first chapter. The only thing is the phrasing of that last line about the wings. Don't know why but it just didn't seem to flow right.

I noticed a couple of tiny typos - year when it should have been years - that kind of thing.

The only other thing to watch out for is dialogue tags - just take care not to fall into the trap of using too many modifers of 'said' sometimes simple is best. (I notice it mostly because it's something I know I do too much in my own writing - so I'm always on the look out for it).

This is easily one of the best written pieces on here, on my picks list.

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gillofnerd

wrote 42 days ago

Done with the first chapter.

I love Cordelia. She's so relateable and very well-written.

I also love Gran. She's very chipper and I can totally picture her.

Speaking of picturing, you're very good with imagery and such. I could totally see the bedroom, and I could feel the awkwardness of the dinner.

There were a couple of typos, but this is a fabulous piece of work. I'll probably end up picking it when I'm finished.

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morgan.sparr

wrote 42 days ago

I really like the main character's voice- she resonates strength, and a certain kickass-ness. It's great! Great chapter ending as well- really makes me want to read more!

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