inkpop: The Assassin - Cassie’s dad has been in jail her whole life. But now he’s back to finish the job he started.

tennisketter

wrote 46 days ago

Author note:
-Thanks for all the wonderful comments.
-PLEASE, it's not rude of me to expect a pick if you write a review with nothing but praise. It's not fair to me if you say you love it and don't pick it. Just like many people here, I have a goal to get to the top five.
- Also, if you are doing a swap, from now on, I expect you to read at least the prologue AND chapter one. The prologue is short and it's only fair as I read the prologue and chapter one of every book.
- Cassie's past is mentioned in this book, it's just not posted up. I've got it covered!
- Put a star (*) at the beginning of your post so I know you actually read this.

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tennisketter

wrote 69 days ago

PLEASE READ: the new, and if I do say so myself, improved edits of The Assassin go up July 9th; sometime in the morning. If yu plan to pick the book, I'd really appriciate it if you would wait until the edits to pick it. My goal is to get into the top five in august, so all picks are very welcome. - Laura

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MIC

wrote 220 days ago

“And now I was the mother of his triplets”—whoa, this took me by surprise!

Holy crazy beginning! Wow …

“You’ll never find out”----this part was crazy!!!

Pretty cocky just leaving the gun in the bush like that …

“Yes. I did. I completely did. “---loved her internal thoughts here

“With him I always felt like a child”—this was good

“In exchange for his freedom, he would have to track, hunt, and kill the famous Assassin”---this was clever, the way you showed us what was going on

“Because I love you” …”And I hated him”---loved this

“Not that it mattered to me. I didn’t care, remember?”---great voice here

"I was the Assassin"--Oooo !!! I totally freaked out right here! Wa-hoo!

This is great. I am loving this ... such a cool story, I'm loving all the characters, loving the intense
story line, love the pacing, great believable dialogue, this is all well done :) Yeah for you! ~Morgan:)

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sakira

wrote 93 days ago

Hey, Laura! Thanks for commenting on The Devil's Cross. I'm here for the swap :)

Wonderful, wonderful story.The words and action flows smoothly, which I really appreciate in a good book! Other than the grammar mistakes (which should be already fixed), I can say nothing but that I'm watching this and looking to continue reading!

sakira

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oXKris-Tee-AuhXo

wrote 95 days ago

READ SWAP
(I thought I'd go ahead and go first.)

Whew! What a story!
Man that Brent was a monster! Whew and a fourteen year old assain?? Man! Really oringinal work! And your write so well! I love your style. And I barely saw any errors, even if there was any it didn't show at all. Your story is really great! And I might stop by sometime and give the sequel a whirl!
You are VERY talented and lovely writing and butt kicking characters!
Keep up the amazing work!

With lots of love, Kristia S.<3
God Bless<3

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natashangel

wrote 8 hours ago

*awesome book so far.i rlly like how u put it in the perspective of someone who would usually be considered "the bad guy" and made it so ur actually cheering for the murderer.the charecter is very relatable and the storyline is awesome.at first i was a little weary of seth since their realationship seemed a little cliche but i rlly enjoyed reading how it developed.overall, i thought it was great.its definately different than a lot of other action books which is an awesome thing.i added it to my picks, good luck with making it to the top 5

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ouch-eddie

wrote 12 hours ago

Back again! :D

Chapter 3: “Couldn’t be funnier,” I said. I love that line. XD
“...You have to tell me because, well[,] I’m [your best friend]!” (I’m not a huge fan of capitals for yelling)
“Which means you’ll tell me never[;] start spilling.” You could use a period instead of a semi-colon, too, but the comma you have doesn’t work.
“...’not going to tell you now[.]’ I slammed...” I like that line a lot.
I like Mia. She’s so sweet. “Why are you pushing him away? Why?” Haha, she’s awesome.
“A few kids hoping to be [part of Lorraine’s crowd] laughed at her joke.” That might flow better.
“’No, I don’t.’” Since the last question she was asked is whether or not she was dropped as a baby, this answer is a bit odd. I get that she’s saying no, I don’t like him, but it took me a moment.
“’That’s not true,’ Lorraine said.” That line kind of falls flat. Maybe you could change it to, “’That’s ridiculous,’ Lorraine snapped.’ Or something slightly more angry?
“Face it, wouldn’t you [like] just one day where you...”
“...’ever going to drive a car?’ [s]he hissed.”
“Except Lorraine didn’t have the green skin and didn’t melt.” You use didn’t twice there, why not change it to “Except Lorraine’s skin wasn’t green and she didn’t melt.”
“He was still grinning and I really wanted to slap it off his face.” Change it so it’s more parallel... “He was still wearing a (stupid? Annoying?) grin and I wanted to slap it off of his face.”
“’Well[,] it isn’t.’”
“You can’t stand this guy[,] Cassie.”
You use “cold” a lot in the first paragraph after the break. Maybe switch it up a bit.
Haha, I like how she’s being an assassin and worrying about her English project at the same time. XD
“...Brown was dating some woman who was a model.” Idk, that just sounds a bit odd to me. There’s nothing really wrong with it, but maybe rephrase? “Brown was dating some model”, or “...some model woman.”
I don’t think high-heeled boots are very practical for assassins (not that I would know... cough cough), but it’s an awesome image, so you’re saved by the Rule of Cool! :D
“’Wait a second, that’s impossible. You having a dagger would imply that you are the Assassin, but everyone...’” That’s an awkward sentence. This guy is faced with death, and he’s talking about what her weapons imply? Maybe change it so that we know that the dagger is an Assassin thing the sentence before... “I pulled out a dagger[, my signature weapon,] and let the light from the ceiling fan catch it.” Then the man could say, “Wait a second... you can’t be... the Assassin isn’t...” or something that makes him sound more shocked and horrified.
“The paparazzi made the Assassin [sound] like a man...” I like sound better than look, but look does work.
I’m getting very robotic vibes from Mr. Brown here. Maybe an adverb for his speech would help. But when you write, “’You are crazy,’ he said,” I just don’t get much sense of how he’s feeling.
...Ah, now he’s throwing things; that’s much better. 
“Like, I said before, I know.” No need for that first comma.
“’Get out of here,’ I said through cl[e]nched teeth.”
“’Only in your dreams[.]’ I smiled.”

Ah, love and hatred, how difficult they can be to separate. :P I love what a dual personality Cassie is. How she’s freaked out that a tall boy is in her room but she killed an able-bodied man earlier that evening.

Chapter 4:
“...’what’s happening?’ [m]y best friend, Michael[,] asked.” I don’t know if you need to say he’s her best friend, because we already know that from the first chapter, and it kind of breaks up the sentence anyways.
The paragraph describing teenybopper Michael is rather choppy. You say again that he’s one of her best friends, which is unnecessary. You say the word “fan(s)” twice in the last sentence.
And now you say he’s her best friend again. Cut that out, woman! :P
“But either way, despite Michael’s new feelings or lack [thereof] weren’t something I was going to worry about at the moment.” I would take out the despite.
...Okay, so that whole scene just struck me as very random, and a bit heavy on the infodump. Instead of saying it all here, why not spread some interactions with Michael through the last couple of chapters? That way the reader could pick up his changing feelings for Cassie, and Cassie could wonder about it bit-by-bit. Also, introducing him as a Disney star was really out of nowhere. That seems important enough to mention the first time we meet him—and it could explain why his girlfriend is so overprotective of him, too. 
“...watching the sky rain.” Odd wording, but I actually like it.
“You are something, you know that?” Why, because she doesn’t like the cold? I’d say it’s something taht she’s a cold-blooded assassin who can’t stand the rain, but then Seth doesn’t know about that... I just don’t see why he finds it weird that she’s not a fan of precipitation.
“I stood up, picked up my bag, and looked at him.” Take out one of the ups, and change looked to something like glared.
“We were sitting at lunch[. E]arlier that day...and I was [really] excited to be doine with [it]. Even though I kept catching [Seth] staring...”
I like the little fight between Ashley and Cassie. Well-written.
“Yes!” [w]e both yelled.
“Okay[,] then.” He threw up his hands in the air to surrender. “I’m gone then.” Take out one of the thens, probably the second one.
“Yeah, um, no.” I love that! Ahaha.
“...’or in general?’ [h]e asked.”
“...successful relationship with a secret like [mine].”
“Expose me [as] what? Expose me [as] the Assassin.”
Hooray, a return to action! :D
“...and she was sitting in the chair across from the couch, where I was sitting.” Change one of the sittings, maybe to perched or curled up or slouched? Something more descriptive.
Teenybopper heartthrob: cusser at large. Ahaha, that’s hilarious! I also love the fact taht she specifies the bullet had been shot from a gun. How dry.
Hilarious typo alert! You wrote “crotched” instead of “crouched”. XD
“...’I’m here, aren’t I?’ I asked accusingly.” Although it is a question, it’s more rhetorical, so I’d use “pointed out” instead of “asked”, and maybe leave out the “accusingly” altogether.
“...’if that is what you are [referring] to.’”
“Well, any normal girl would want to have a boyfriend,” she said. Ouch! Lorraine: truly a liberated woman who needs the support of no man! Jeez, what an idiot. I don’t like her.
“...If being normal involves [involves] being perfectly tan...”
Nice speech from Cassie there! I like it.
“Who needs you anyways[,] Lorraine?”
“Lorraine dropped her lipstick that she had in her hand and her purse after he finished.” Awkward... don’t bother saying she had it in her hand, it really breaks up the flow.

Huh. Odd chapter ending, but it does make me want to see what’s happening...

Chapter 5: So at first, I was kind of confused, but then when I realized that he kissed her, I kind of liked the way you didn’t say so straight away.
I don’t know if it really makes any sense for Cassie to be klutzy... as an assassin, shouldn’t she be rather well-coordinated?
Did Lorraine really go to school the day after her father’s murder? What a trooper. It might make more sense for her to stay home. The fact that she’s still swooning over Seth when her father’s just died is rather unrealistic. You’d think she’d be more subdued for a while. Actually, the murder of her father would be a great time to show a softer side to Lorraine.
When she says Mia hasn’t been seen in a while, I was all, “KIDNAPPED!” That’s my prediction. :P
“Lorraine walked back[.] ‘[L]et’s go.’”
You’ve talked a lot about irony in this chapter.
Okay, so her father’s death does get brought up. But Lorraine must be stone-cold if she’s realy not moved at all by her father’s death. I’d love to see some hint of feeling.
Why is Michael wandering the halls if the school’s in lockdown? At my school, when we go into lockdown, everyone has to sit quietly for half an hour or so, and if you go out into the hallway the patrolling police officers will actually tackle you. No exceptions.

Huh, so my kidnapping guess was semi-right. Except it’s Joe and not Mia.

Chapter 6: Typo... The NAA had a very large [supply] of resources.
WHY did Cassie follow that plane guy?! Never trust airline people, Cassie! D:
Also, how did Joe not see Cassie get on the plane? Or did he? How did her biological father not see her?
Dave is ballin’. I actually love him. XD
“I was [definitely] not going to answer that question.”

So overall, I’d say the later chapters are a lot less realistic than the earlier ones, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing—I love me some low-reality lit. There’s more contextual editing than grammatical at this point, which is always hard, isn’t it. The main thing is that I’d like to see is more emotion after all the murders that go on, even if it’s not from Cassie. She’s taking everything in stride... almost too much in stride. But I guess this is her assassin side kicking in, eh?

Anyways. I’m happy that the later chapters fall more into the action with a sideorder of romance category, because the story and the idea are really interesting, but right now I’m just not seeing the characters as real people, you know? But. With editing and revision, this could be truly, mindblowingly awesome. Picked. :D

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J_abbis

wrote 16 hours ago

here for our swaps!!!!

wow!!! this is amazing! your very discriptive and i like it the more details the better :)
this is diffrent from all the books i've read and i like it :) it has nothing to do with vampires!!!!
yay!!! lol this is totally going on my picklist when i make room for it :) don't worry i like it tooo
much for it not to go on it. this is a book i see myself gushing over for weeks!! keep up the good
writing i can't wait for more :)

gabby (J_abbis)

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J_abbis

wrote 16 hours ago

here for our swaps!!!!

wow!!! this is amazing! your very discriptive and i like it the more details the better :)
this is diffrent from all the books i've read and i like it :) it has nothing to do with vampires!!!!
yay!!! lol this is totally going on my picklist when i make room for it :) don't worry i like it tooo
much for it not to go on it. this is a book i see myself gushing over for weeks!! keep up the good
writing i can't wait for more :)

gabby (J_abbis)

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Live_Reality

wrote 19 hours ago

I like this story because it doesn't go off on some other topic. It stays to the point. :)
Awesomely written.
Live_Reality

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Live_Reality

wrote 19 hours ago

I like this story because it doesn't go off on some other topic. It stays to the point. :)
Awesomely written.
Live_Reality

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Ellenfp

wrote 20 hours ago

****Swapped with Evie xD

In the prologue you should never start with he/she:

"Sarah closed her eyes and stood there."

"I guess there's only one thing to do then[.]" He grinned.
> I don't know if this is correct, but I've always thought that you put a fullstop after dialogue when an action follows.

The prologue is definitly hooking. But try adding in little sentences about their description so we can get a better picture. Right now we only know their names and that's it.

Chapter One:

"Why, after thirteen years in jail for murder charges, after he escaped and sent the officials on a frenzy to find him, [] did he come back for me?"
> get rid of that last why where there's a []

Hmmm. I don't know about Cassie being only fourteen and having the emotional capacity to kill people. It just doesn't seem right; both mentally and physically. Maybe raise her age to sixteen just so she is mentally safe...? (just a suggestion!)

", but hey, to each her own."
", but hey, each to her own." I think that's the correct saying.

Hmmm. I think with some more time spent on description this story could be sooo much better; it shows a huge amount of promise. But, I have to admit, Cassie doesn't seem like an assassin. I mean, the only killers I've ever heard of laughing are the mentally insane ones or the ones from cartoons. But I definitly see potential in this. Picked.

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Blueink

wrote 1 day ago

* * * * * five stars for how good this is! I thought it was halarious that she started hiccuping the middle of a murder. I am so picking this!

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HOPING4LIFE

wrote 1 day ago

Hey! Just wanted to say thanks for making my day, this was great and I hope you keep writing. I love Cassie and she's actually a lot like me personality wise, not secret assassin wise heh heh. Well this is a pick of mine (: Keep it up!

-The H

P.S. Soar high and follow your dreams.

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ouch-eddie

wrote 1 day ago

*Hey, cool story. I read the prologue and the first two chapters... got a few suggestions to make.

Whenever she’d ask him what “it” was[,] he’d say that she knew.
It was all an act[.]
Fourth paragraph... lots of “she” sentences.
“...and picked up the butcher knife in her hand.” You don’t have to say “in her hand”.
“Really?” he asked her[.] “And I suppose...”
“You will try to kill her, try to stop her, but you will be stopped.” Change one of the stops to another verb?
“...before she could protest, and just like always, hit her dead center.” That makes it sound kinda like he’s shot her before. Maybe change it to “hit his target dead center”?
“After all, that baby was just a baby, a baby girl.” Idk, maybe too many babies in that sentence?
“...Brent decided to leave the baby where it was, in the crib[. S]he would starve to death.”

Really attention-grabbing prologue! Both the characters are interesting and well-developed, and you pulled off the prophecy-esque vision thing with aplomb.

Chapter 1:
“...not to be seen again for almost two years[?]”
“...a crime that no one could deny he did.” Change did to committed?
“The Assassin was some Looney bin man living alone in the mountains, always escapting the authorities and never [leaving] enough evidence to be caught.”
I really like how she talks about the edge, and how she doesn’t know where it is.
I like Cassie’s introduction. I’m totally like that when I’m bored. XD
“Some might call it cool, or sleek[.] I called it a pain in the butt.”
When you’re describing her wardrobe change, maybe say she swapped blue jeans and t-shirt for the black leggings and black dress? That might flow better.
...Wait, does she not have fingerprints? “The black, elbow[-]length gloves were more of a fashion statement than a necessity with no fingerprints to leave behind.”
“I opened it and found the straps. I strapped them onto my arms...” Find a synonym for straps so you don’t use the same word twice in a row?
“At least, that’s what I’d been told. I wouldn’t know. The Assasin hadn’t ever killed anyone close to me. Never would[.] At least, not that I knew of.” Change one of the “at least”s?
“There was a red couch that was low to the ground...” Why not just say it was a low, red couch?
I like how observant she’s being. She’s picking up on the sorts of things that an assassin should...
You say “queen bee” twice in a row.
“...the ‘hottest’ guy [in] school.”
“...who was equally just as ‘hot’...” Use either equally or just as, but not both.
Typo alert! Eight[h] grade.
“I didn’t think they were all that popular[.] In fact...”
“But you’re still alive... but not for long.” Only use but once.
It’s weird/interesting how she was such an eighth grader just a minute ago, and now she’s murdering some woman with no hint of remorse.

Chapter 2:
I can’t help but feel that the first two paragraphs are a bit redundant. I already know that Cassie is the Assassin, I already know about her parents. Consider cutting some of it out?
“... but I always wondered how he knew about my secret to become the Assassin.” Maybe put destiny in there, or an equivalent? Secret destiny?
“Beth is on the board of managers[.] I don’t know...”
“The NAA kept a close tab on all of [its] little killers.”
“...I asked. When I asked...” Change one of the asked’s.
“I rode on the elevator [with her] once or twice...”
“...and turned to walk to the pencil sharpener. I shoved my pencil into the sharpener and watched it spin around in circles.” You repeat both pencil and sharpener there... maybe combine the two sentences so you only have to say pencil sharpener once?
“...’who not to hang out with,’ [s]he said.”
“...better tha[n] try to humiliate me...”
“[S]he stood up and glared at me.”
“...’where I stand[.]’ I looked...”
“Cassie[,] what are you talking about?”
Next paragraph, you start two sentences with “So,”.
“’Hey, you. Me. Cafeteria. Lunch?” h[e] asked.
Cassie smiles smugly twice in rapid-fire succession!
I really like her internal monologue about Seth, though. What a jerk! A stupid, macho, egotistical jerk! Hahaha.
“...I said in a matter-of-factly way.” It’s just a matter-of-fact, no –ly.
“Mia was sitting across from me, [wearing] a very devious smile.”
You don’t need that sentence in capitals. The fact that she’s screaming it lets me know it’s loud.
“And she smiled, in an evilsh way.” Is that meant to be elfish or evilish?
“Never mind[,] then,”, [h]e whispered.
“...’when we walk [outside],’ I said.”

Ha, cool. I like the way you pulled that together... Brent’s about to hit her with a car!

Overall, this is fairly well-written, and the premise is very original. I think the second chapter started to lag a bit, but the end of it promises to ratchet up the adrenaline. As you can tell, most of my suggestions have to do with little grammar-related things and repeated phrases. There were more little typo errors in the second chapter than the Prologue and the first. If you fix those up, I think this will read much more professionally. Anyhow, this definitely has potential. I'll probably come back and read the rest of it later.

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Jennifer LoGalbo

wrote 2 days ago

Hi!
EveJ asked that I take a peek at your story. I recall having this on my pick list for awhile based on your pitch, only I never got around to reading it. The premise of your story is unique, and this has so much promise...which, obviously, is why this is high in ranks. A fourteen-year-old assassign? It almost reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with her calling to be the 'Slayer'. Your writing flows and I like how you set up chapter one's ending to interact with the ending of chapter 2.
However, some of your writing is premature. A lot of sentences need tightening. The over usage of the words 'had' and 'that' was like fingernails on a chalkboard.
You introduce so many characters and I have no idea what they look like. Cassie, especially. Mia, Lorraine, etc..
For the following, you can use these for your edit or flush them. You're the author, so dismiss what you want:
PROLOGUE:
Powerful. And, a prologue that actually works.
* She heard the door open and close. She took a deep breath. For a better impact, maybe write this as:
She took a deep breath when she heard the door open then close.
* and picked up a butcher knife in her hand. Omit, in her hand. It's obvious she picked it up with her hand. I mean, how else would she pick it up?
* She will be a better assassin (then) you could ever imagine.
* blood rushed from her head, down to the floor. This reads like she's not dead on the floor already. Maybe say, blood pooled on the floor around her head.

Ch 1
Way too many sentences and paragraphs start with, "I... You need to mix it up so it's no so boring.
* the hottest guy (in) school
* I jumped around... This sounds like she's a mexican jumping bean. Well, to me anyway.
* (J)eez, the least you could do...

Ch 2
I think your assissin should be fifteen, not fourteen. In ch 1, we learn that your rape victim is 31 (almost 15 yrs have passed), Cassie was 6 mos when her mother was murdered. So, basically this story is being told in the month of around Feb-Mar. Yet, she takes off a T-shirt to change into her assassin attire. Although, we never really know what month your story is told in because descriptions are vague.
* And why (was) he okay with it?
* the only fingerprints found (were) from the lady...
* I grabbed my pencil, and turned to walk to the pencil sharpener. I shoved my pencil into the sharpener.
This is quite a boring action scene. I did this, I did that. And, then you repeat.
* Every girl followed him stopped in front of a desk and looked down. HUH? I don't understand this.
* find something better to do (then) try to humiliate me.
* but I could defiantly see Lorraine... Do you mean to say, definetely and not defiantly?
* just my luck, I though(t)...
* Hey(,) (m)e too!
If Seth took a seat in th back of the classroom, how did Cassie walk past him after the bell rang?
Huh, how doesn't he know her name and she doesn't want to tell him? Just a few sentences earlier, the teacher addressed her saying, "Yes(,) Cassie?"
* BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO EAT LUNCH WITH HIM!" I screamed.
Please, oh please don't capitalize this or anything else. This is immature writing.
* She fell backwards and threw her hands up to her ears.
She fell backwards? This makes no sense to me.

Sorry to be so harsh. Obviously, this is going to hit the top 5 in the next month or so. You need to fix these problem areas for the Harper Collins editors. I'm in no way trying to be mean or a bitch. I want to help you grow and develop your talent, because this story has tons of promise. I wish you nothing but the best. I'm still picking this because I actually did enjoy the read!

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Lindsey Detwiler

wrote 2 days ago

* This is really good im gonna put it on my wish now and maybe picks in a little bit. But i really did enjoy this book i would really like to read more of it soon so if and when you do could you please tell me i would really appreciate it thanks :) -Lindsey-

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grace salloni

wrote 2 days ago

*

I think you should make the font at the very beginning of the prologue smaller. It is HUGE, like and inch tall at the smallest font setting. Whoa, it’s massive.

Same with chapter one. Plus there is a massive expanse of white after ‘one’ until the next words show up.

Hmmm…the beginning of the first chapter is super confusing. It’s confusing because you just switched from Sarah’s baby with Brent…right? Then you say this new person had a baby at sixteen, and she was raped. Was it Brent’s baby? How did Brent know she was the one who called the cops on him? Also, I don’t think ‘looney’ needs to my capitalized.

Okay, so Brent did rape her. But then who is Cassie? She’s Sarah’s daughter with Brent right? Ugh, this is confusing. I don’t know how important the fact that this person, (whose name you should mention in the story, rather than just at the beginning, by the way) who was raped by Brent had a child who was put up for adoption. (Also, earlier you said she put her ‘babies’ up for adoption. She had more than one?) Because if its not important you could just say he raped her, maybe. I don’t know.

Anyway, sorry for all that ramblingness. This is really good! I already added it to my picks list :) The story line is very interesting and I love the end of the first chapter when she kills the lady. Definitly made me want to read more :) (Which I would if I had more time.) :P

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Divine Jasmine

wrote 2 days ago

Evie J sent me a message to check this out and I'm so glad that she did. I kinda sorta got addicted and read all the way through what you have up. Ahh you left off... I want to read more:( I will definetly check out the sequel of this taht you have up. I can't get enough of Cassie. A fourteen year old assassin???? That is so awesome. I wish I had thought of this myself *bangs head on desk*> However I don't think I could have done such a good job with it. Okay on to the writing... the prologue set the mood for the book I think. It is chilling and creepy and you instantly hate Brent. ( Did I mention that I really hate him?) You did a really good job with making us hate him. One route that you otok with this book that I really liked was that she used a dagger instead of a gun. For some reason I think that made the story alot more interesting to me with that one fact. Seth I love him. He is so sweeet to Cassie but she can't date because of the secret. I was too enthralled with reading to sit and look and grammar and spelling so no complaints.
Overall: There is nothing wrong with this book and it is instantly going on my pick list. Best of luck getting to the top five. You definetly deserve to be there

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Topical Storm

wrote 2 days ago

O wowie! This is really good! Intense!

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surferwolf

wrote 2 days ago

This is really good! Has tons of description and I didn't notice any errors. Good Job!

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irisleaves

wrote 2 days ago

This is good- I've only read the first two pages, but I've liked it so far. I didn't see any mistakes, but that doesn't mean there aren't any- I am not the most observant person. I like how you started with the day Sarah was murdered instead of jumping straight to 14 year old Cassie. I think I'll pick this, at least for a few days! :D

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Sing&Write

wrote 3 days ago

I knew he kissed her right at the end. I know it. Why does it randomly end???? It's like having a continuious flow of awesomeness then now I have to wait along with the public!

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Bacon_in_the_USA

wrote 3 days ago

Wow, I just finished the prolouge and it seemed really interesting.

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rose183

wrote 3 days ago

* I only finished up to chapter one, but already I love this book! It helps that the main character has the same name as me haha, but even without that fact, it's amazing. It's going on my watch list, and when I can, I will put it on my pick list. I hope you make the top five, you deserve it. Intense and practically flawless.

Just one thing: I think you should change "I was the Assassin" to "I am the assassin". That's just my opinion.

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asheliz2

wrote 3 days ago

*i liked your story but i want to kn ow alittle why her mom had visions in the prolague. maybe describe the vision she had or something.you dont have to listen to me if you dont want to. just throwing ideas. ooh or maybe begin the prolague in a vision...once again just throwing ideas.

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venomaheart

wrote 3 days ago

*
so hi, this story was suggested to me by evie j, and i'm glad it was because i'm deeply intrigued by it.i've only read through chapter 3. i love the whole alter ego idea, and especially when she's just a regular school girl normally. and i love her bickering with seth, their cute little relationship is adorable. there are a few grammatical mistakes, though they aren't really hindering the story. overall this is pretty good.

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Loyaltraitor

wrote 3 days ago

*

Wow, this really is an interesting read. the Assasin has a great amount of voice and really holds the attention of the reader. It's funny to see a killer more corcerned about the nature of her comebacks than the horror of her own crime. I'll continue reading on, but for now I must say bravo.

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Uvindei

wrote 3 days ago

Write more. NOW! Please.

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Sing&Write

wrote 3 days ago

So far, it's awesome. I have read alot of books and this is my kind of thing. Maybe I'll write a book on assasins later, but I have other books to work on. For some reason, I think he will either catch her in the act, be an assasin himself, but it's very unlikely she will upfront tell him.

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Uvindei

wrote 3 days ago

My name is Sarah :D.

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I'mOnFire

wrote 3 days ago

* <----- :) Okay, wow! Evie J reccomended this book to me and I really appreciate it, as you should too. I am so glad I've read this book. It's so original and the plot is great. Your grammar is perfect! This really makes me wonder why it isn't already in the top five because it's such an intriguing story. You're such a brilliant author and you can totally expect to see this on my picks. ^_^ I can't wait to read more! Keep up the good work! This is an amazing story. :D

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Georgia Summers

wrote 3 days ago

I really do like this. I want to critique it well, but I'm not adept at the nitty gritty word stuff (which is why I come here). So I'm just going to pick it and say it's fabulous :)

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wildgreenskittle

wrote 3 days ago

HI! *waves*
I'm rereading this:D But I just had a thought...you can totally ignore it of course. I love that you have Cassie being such a normal girl, especially in school and around Seth. It's awesome. But I think you should have her act just a bit different while she's the assassin.
Like...she keeps thinking that she's a klutz, but a realistic point of view, I don't think an assassin would be a klutz. She would probably be the opposite. Just a thought:D And I was wondering if I could have more? Im like...seriously addicted^_^

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PaigeD

wrote 4 days ago

I just read your whole book and i LOVED it:) There were a few typos throughout, but they'll be easy to catch...
Anyway, i didn't understand the whole thing about the dead body at the airport. It was first mentioned when she was let out of the closet, and then it turned out to be her mother's sister later on? This was never explained to me and left me a tad confused.

Anyway, love the plot and well...everything! Picked! Hope you update soon:D

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whatsayyou

wrote 5 days ago

The person below me recommended this to me and I've got to say...it's great. I've already picked it and I reeally hope it makes it to the top five:)

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wildgreenskittle

wrote 5 days ago

So...I just read this whole thing and I think it's AMAZING! Like omg...I love it:D I was hooked to your MC from the start and she is so unique in her own way that I couldn't stop reading. THIS....is an awesome story. With an AWESOME plot!!! Seriously O.O
I'm picking this as soon as I have room again! Which should be soon:D Awesomeawesomeawesome.....

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Lex Born

wrote 6 days ago

Prologue: That gave me the chills. It was tense and action-filled, leading into the story. I can feel all the emotion and fear--excellent job.
Chapter 1: I love the two different perspectives. The part with the neighbor added a whole new dimension to the story. And with Cassie--I love her internal monologue, it's hilarious. I feel like I can see everything through her eyes. The dialogue is upbeat and interesting. Your plot line is fresh, unique, and different. The last sentence made me want to read on.
Overall: This has a lot of potential. Keep it up.

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Obsessed Writer

wrote 7 days ago

* I absolutely frickin loved!!! If your going to post more I cant wait to read it! If not that's to bad, your an amazing writer, I loved how the story hooked me on it straight away! I hate the cliff hangers I hate not knowing whats going to happen next buuuuuttt that's making me want to read what happens next!! I loved it my face expression is litterly :O

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Verigold

wrote 8 days ago

*Hi, I'm here for our swap. First of all, overall I mostly really like Cassie (I made a more specific comment about this below). Your characters are good, and they're all pretty distinct. Dialogue and characters seem to be your strengths. There were some descriptive passages, especially in the prologue and a little of Chapter One, that seemed a little confusing like it was getting ahead of itself. Also, go back through and read very carefully for the tiny grammatical and spelling errors, many of which were probably done just in haste (which isn't bad and happens to everyone). They were kind of distracting, so if they were gotten rid of, this could be a really fun piece. I tried to note some of these errors below.

Here are the comments I made as I was reading:
-“’it’ was; he’d say that she knew”—I think a comma rather than a semicolon belongs there.
-Some of the commas seem to be connecting phrases where I think there should actually be periods or other punctuation, so watch out for that.
-Although I like the information about Cassie’s classmates, it seems to come at an inopportune time. The part about being lost in thought is funny, though.
-“being in eight grade”—“eighth”?
-“the door close”—“closed”?
-“Proud of it”—I like this line.
-I feel like the start of Two reiterates the middle of One, and it kind of repeats the information we already knew so probably isn’t necessary.
-Because she calls Joe “dad,” maybe she’d just say Brent was her “father,” not her “dad.”
-“It is that he loves me so much”—“Is it”?
-“all of it’s little killers”—“its”
-“where from the lady”—“were”
-“’I do?’”—haha
-“I was positively get”—“would” instead of “was”
-I don’t like Seth, and I don’t know if I’m supposed to. Calling Cassie “toots” in front of the whole class while introducing himself seems either unrealistic or an EXTREMELY obnoxious thing to do.
-“…lunch?’ h asked.” –“he”
-I liked Cassie in chapter 1—she seemed very real to me, even though she was doing assassin stuff—but not so much in chapter 2. I think it might be because her comments while talking back to Seth felt a little forced.

Thanks for swapping!

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A Silver Heart

wrote 11 days ago

Oh gosh.
This is amazing. I was a tad confused when she was getting the plane to Dallas because I thought she was on the plane when Dave put her in the cupboard...
But anyway, I really really like this. Definitely going onto my pick list. I love the humor, and I adore Cassie's strong personality, she's the kind of person I would love to be :)
Your writing is beautiful, there aren't many grammar/punctuation/spelling mistakes and I think this is a unique plot which I would love to read more of. I like Seth, but it's funny to keep her still denying her feelings for him and I felt sorry for him though.
Well done, and please upload soon because I'm dying to know why happens!
From, Melanie x

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CassieSherman14

wrote 11 days ago

Good job! it was pretty good but, I thought it had too much killing in it. I'll read more later and I might leave another comment later but, for now.... it was good. Are you going to add more or is it finished?

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cambriacovell

wrote 12 days ago

For the swap: Cassie is an awesome character. Mia was great too. It had a great combination of humor and action and it was an entertaining read. Oh yeah, and Brent is just CREEPY. So well done. :)

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Curtis Rainey

wrote 14 days ago

Hey Laura! Im sorry this is so late, but I know u understand how forgetfull and sstressed Inkpop can make you. I totally forgot, and I apologize again. :)
-
SWAP:
-

Okay, Love the op[ening and OMG! I want her to be real! I SO DO! Is she anything like you, Cassie is just an amzing charrie and I know tht this will be a great TOP PICK! (It WILL! be one). You descibed thin gs well, but for some reason I found myself lost, and having to re-read dialoyge to understand in some places (ONLY SOME) I Had to think about it. But that doesnt draw away from the writiing at all. From what Ive read (3 chapter) , chapter 2 is my FAV! I liked it the best and it stood out from the other two. Their are some mistakes, but their minor, like spelling mishaps and what not.

-
Overall:
Overall! I think this is absoloutley amazing! and OMG! It's gona be trilogyized! I LOVE SERIES! (Espically trils) I think this will go places, your style is good too! :)

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Howler

wrote 15 days ago

WHOOOOO! Wow what a bang especially at the end of the first chapter! This is soo good you make me want to read more!! I love how sick this girl is your MC is tight hahaha I loved it and it made me cringe at some of your descriptions then at the same time laugh at some of your humor. This was a well put together story! Well done - happy writing!

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here.comes.the.rain.again

wrote 17 days ago

*
I love this! the dialogue is so funny, and Cassie is the one of the best kinds of heroines there are! Please write more! I really want to know the rest of it! There are some simple spelling mistakes but I don't really point those out much, except that you once said 'h' instead of 'he'. I love this!
picked!
:)

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Angelfowl

wrote 19 days ago

* For Swap~

Sorry this is so late, first of all. I am writing a new novel this month, that and school kind of piled in on me xD

Alright! onward to the story. I enjoyed it actually. I never normally like these kinds of modern day stories. I'm more medieval fantasy girl. I read the Prologue and the first chapter. You have an interesting character, I like how she is squeamish around blood. Hehe, irony.

Good story, definitely picking it. Thank you :)

~Angel

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dorkmuffin

wrote 20 days ago

* this was for a swap that you asked me to do!! and I am super glad I did because I really adored the story. It had a middle school vibe too it without being too trashy novely. I liked the fact that I remembered the girls were in middle school without loosing the content. The only critiscim I had was that they started to like each other too fast in my opinion. Unless you were trying for the love at first sight thing and some minor spelling errors but other than that lovely to read.

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skylander

wrote 20 days ago

o...i forgot to mention something i noticed... how did Dave get through security at the airport with a gun?
..and i would like more to read...

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spiritoasis

wrote 20 days ago

*i did read it, and i really like it so far, but you need to add more. but other than that it's really good

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repeaturself

wrote 20 days ago

*Evie J told me to read your book and I'm happy I did! ^^
I only read up to chapter 4, but I think that the characters are really well done, and Cassie has a strong voice.
I saw a few errors, but it wasn't too bad. The idea was original and I'm probably gonna read more!
Keep up the good work! (lol I sound like a teacher -_-;)
-repeaturself ^^

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skylander

wrote 20 days ago

this is amazing.. someone told me to read your book and I'm glad they did. definite pick for me...and i would like more to read please.. cause i am hooked and i really super duper want to know what happens next.

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BlackHills

wrote 20 days ago

* Wow what an amazing story! The characters are so well developed and the plot is unique and amazing.
Love it. x3

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M.L.Fritz

wrote 21 days ago

* Hi there! On Evie J's request, I'm reading this, so here - have a comment for the prologue and chapter 1. If I continue, I'll leave comments for each chapter following. (:
Okay, so the prologue was quite excellent. It moved quickly; it was exciting and scary and fun in a sick, twisted sort of way.
Chapter 1 -
Raped "against my own will" is redundant; watch out for that.
Whoa! Major cliffhanger at the end of Melania's POV. Yeesh. Nice job there.
"The black, elbow length gloves were more of a fashion statement than a necessity with no fingerprints to leave behind." So maybe I'm just dense, but this sentence seems to be saying that she has no fingerprints. Somehow I doubt that's what you mean, but I guess there's always a chance; that would be a pretty cool quirk. *Shrug*
Using "queen bee" twice in two sentences is a little repetitive.
I find it kind of awkward that in the midst of what seems to be a break-in, Cassie is telling the reader about the popular kids at her middle school. Maybe put that information in before she leaves home?
I loved the line "Wow. That was tacky. I didn't like tacky" until I read "Tacky was just weird." That sort of ruined it for me. I'd cut it out, but of course that's just me.
Cassie's little speech would flow better if the last line went "You're still alive, but not for long." The two "buts" are a little awkward.
"The kind that Hollywood liked to use, just not that specific one." This line kind of baffles me. It seems rather contradictory.
Hm, she's squeamish. That's an interesting twist.
Well, this is a very original idea; I really like it. The execution is pretty good, but I'd work on a few things that people below me have suggested, especially making the dialogue flow a little better and sound a bit less predictable. Of course, Cassie's only fourteen, so she won't be spewing off these brilliant lines, but she does sound a little too Hollywood for me.
Also, I'd like to see a little more voice from Cassie, if possible. I know something of her character from her narration, but I feel like you're withholding a lot in regards to her personality. Like any reader, I want to know what really makes her tick by the time I finish the first paragraph of her narration. Obviously, that's easier said than done, but just something to think about.
I'll put this on my watch list for now, and if I keep reading, I'll pick it!
Cheers!

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Mckeighla Kilgore

wrote 21 days ago

*Holy son of a gun..I love this story. I was kinda warry at first but then i started reading and i was hooked by the first chapter. I absolutally loved it. I seriously hope that you keep writing because 1)your so good at it and 2) because i really want to know if he kisses her again adn if she says yes to the date. Please oh please oh please keep writeing. Oh and the guy you describe Seth to be reminds me of my drem guy:) So kudo's for you haha.
I love Cassie too. She seems kool but i think it would suck not to be able to date a guy like Seth but i'm glad she's defiante. Kinda reminds me of someone i know. i actually recomended this to one of my friends and he said that Cassie sounds like me except for the whole Assassin thing.
But i really do love it. Please keep writing. It's a terrific story. :)

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The Assassin

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