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Rank 252 (-8)
Word Count
23855
Date submitted
11.10.2009
Date Updated
05.29.2010
by Hexen
Book: General Fiction, Romance, Science Fiction/Fantasy, Paranormal
Aribeth has always wondered why she is different, all her life she has searched for the answers... But now the answers are searching for her.
NOTE: I DO NOT SWAP FOR THIS BOOK. DO NOT READ IT FOR ---ANY---SWAPS AS I WILL NOT COUNT IT AS A PART OF OUR SWAP.Aribeth is a totally normal teenager, she goes to school, sneaks out to nightclubs on a school night... Not to mention being able to see and do things that other people can’t. But little does she know that the more she sees and the more she does, the more danger she is leading herself into.When the answers slowly being to join together Aribeth is the only one who can add the final piece of the jigsaw. But is she willing to give up all she holds dear just to be where she truely belongs?(This is just a draft pitch and I will edit it as I write the story).AN: FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED ALTHOUGH THIS IS NOT EDITED, SO I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF SPELLING/GRAMMAR MISTAKES AND THAT THE BOOK IN GENERAL IS LACKING A BIT OF 'MOJO'. I AM IN THE PROCESS OF RE-WRITING THIS BOOK BUT IT IS NOT MY PRIORITY BOOK.
On 16 Pick Lists
On 40 Watch Lists
55 Comments
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wrote 102 days ago
Speechless... I'm just speechless...Everything about this is just jaw-dropping worthy! The whole concept and all the details you feed us. You have such a clean, easy to follow writing style. I just don't know what to expect next, but I always know I will not be disappointed. Each chapter impressed me even more. I can't think of anything to critique at the moment. Brillant work!-Kiana
wrote 252 days ago
This is the most refreshing witch book that i've read in a long time. You have a really good voice as an author- you manage to sound real and exciting without having all of your characters acting like over-dramatic highschool girls. LUV THIS BOOK! Keep writing because i want to see this on a shelf someday. :)
wrote 251 days ago
I loved this! It was so quirky and fresh. I particularly liked the characters you made. They were really believable and entertaining. Your plot was really different to most fantasy books which was my biggest draw. The last Teenage Witch book I read was Jinx and this is far better. I really think you should continue. I can definately imagine this published!
wrote 56 days ago
I love this! I read it in an hour and a half. Can you write more? I just love it, it's one of thew best witch books i have ever read. You did great
wrote 64 days ago
Hi there! I just finished reading the prologue up to chapter two. I really really love your storyline so far. I like the two sisters a lot. The story has grabbed my attention with the shadowy figures and the guy who helped Aribeth, I love how you end chapter two with "But he was gone." You made that a page turner for sure! From what I have read so far, I am adding this to my Pick List and my Watch list. I am a very busy woman with 5 children and writing my own manuscript. I only have 5 chapters right now, and will get ready to post chapter six late tonight or tomorrow =) You have great writing style and I will read a chapter once a day if I can. ~Jannette~
wrote 87 days ago
This is SO good. Amazing. I love how it started with a story, which drew me in. The plot is gonna be amazing, I can already tell. Great job!~SG~
wrote 89 days ago
You know what this reminds me of...A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray. When it comes to the visions, at least.A good start you have to this. I won't say much, since you mentioned in your pitch that you're still writing it, and so probably haven't had much time to edit. I'll just say that this is need of a lot of polishing and leave it at that. Also: is Aribeth 16 yrs old and just has a fake ID? That was a bit unclear.Anyway, interesting story you have so far. And a really great cover!!!
wrote 91 days ago
This is very interesting so far. I am still a bit confused as to the part, but that might just be because I haven't read far enough into it. The writing is good. Kudos.
wrote 95 days ago
Love it!!!!!!Can't wait for more.
Just wanted to leave a quick comment--I wish it weren't so late, or I'd definitely be reading more of this! Even just the first chapter drew me in, I love your descriptions--they're clear, and beautiful--always full of vibrant colors! And your names are just beautiful, I'm already in love with the name Akasha. I definitely plan to read more so I can provide a better critique, but so far this is looking AMAZING! Definitely gonna read some before school tomorrow
wrote 105 days ago
Chapter 3- amazing. I need to stop for tonight, but.... amazing. Good work, good luck, you got yourself a pick ;)
Prologuewell written, interseting, good work. I vote keep it.Chapter 1underage- not under age...okay, are your characters in England? If not :) cheak the mum and stuff :) i haven't read far enough in it yet to know right now... though i'm guessing it is. :Sshe is- she's. it make the sentences flow better. a sentence can sound awkward, and then you cut a few words out, and it sounds better. okay, i have no edits after she got sucked into an alley, for i was too drawn into the story to edit. Now i'm going onto chapter 2, but i may not come onto anything helpful :)happy BIRTHDAY!!!!
GRAMMAR: "Their [bodies] pretty much touching.""Where'd they go?" [s]he said"Never heard the name before tonight[," she] replied. THINGS I LIKED: Wow! I was on chapter 3 before I realized it! This is pretty good! It flows well and I love the pitches. The ends of the chapters draw you in. The prologue actually WORKS. (great job on that, btw) The idea is fresh. this is awesome!!!THINGS I DISLIKED: Kinda funny...I had this whole list of things i disliked for the top pick but for this, currently rank 172, I don't...=D. The only thing that really interupts it is the grammar mistakes. (dont worry! grammar police are on their way!)NOTES: I hope this rises in ranks, because it deserves to!!!!!!!!!
wrote 106 days ago
one, the chapters are a bit short. the prologue m,ade me smile. her mom is so innocent and naive. first chapter, im assuming it is, has a good cliffhanger ending. im sorry, but when you said "like he wasw trying to read me", my thoughts trailed to twilight. i know thta mosty people compare everything to twilight now, but, in my defense, the second thing i thought about was mind reading. that's not so bad, right?
wrote 111 days ago
This has an awesome brooding build. Part of it seems Twilight-inspired, and I confess to having a great dislike for that series. I'm a Dracula guy, but that's besides the point. Something about this intrigued me. The beginning with the folk-legend being unspooled was a good use of foreshadowing(I think that was your purpose-4 chapters in) and this dosen't waste time. Characters are introduced and the details are not extraneous. We understand the emotions and the drives immediately and move forward. Chapter three is kind of trippy with a weird segment that is one of those, "is it real or fantasy" moments. Feels cinematic and I like the imagery created here. A sense of the supernatural surrounds this dark landscape, yet I feel there is a warmth within. I will watch this and continue reading in the future.Thank you, for sharing thsi with us!
wrote 115 days ago
I really liked this, it was a good read. I have only gotten to read chapter 1 but I will be back for more. Keep up the good work.
Hi Vicky. I'm really enjoying reading this. You move quickly into action, your characterisation is good, the dialogue sounds realistic and the story is moving along at just the right pace. I want to know what happens next, which is the hallmark of a good fantasy. You probably get bored of this, but I will mention the typos and grammatical errors, (pretty understandable at your age), because I really think they are worth sorting out. Your writing has too much potential to be spoilt by technical issues. Also, when you do your next read-through challenge whether the adverbs or adjectives are really needed. An example would be 'She asked questioningly..' Questioningly isn't needed because if she asks, it must be a question. So, putting this adverb in weakens the power of the writing. Don't be put off by this comment because I love the story and will happily pick it.
Okay, the pitch grabbed me and I adore the cover, but I don't understand from the little author's note at the bottom. So do you not want critiques? Or what? Me confused.
wrote 116 days ago
Sorry for not commenting back, I had to make a list and I guess I missed you or something. But I read a little yesterday ad more today and I'll just say this. Youre really good and crearing pictures with words and describing things! Nice job! Youre such a good writer for how young you are!!(: Well written, good plot.. and I like the names. Very unique!(:
wrote 120 days ago
Firstly, I don't really care about the prologue, the chapters are mostly important...So, in chapter 1..."clenching" is really a fantastic word creating a bit imagery to describe handling something simply, and i commend you for using that word. It is a light to that sentence.Sorry, but...in this sentence "pretty quick tonight, eh?"...after "pretty quick tonight,", there is a pause, then a sound, an expression " eh?"...so I was wondering if it could be in form of this " pretty quick tonight...eh?". that really makes a grasp making the reader follow the reading wholeheartedly as if it was a movie. This kind of dialogue create a complete flow if you could make a signal of a pause where a pause is due in the writing. The chapter 1 is really sweet, I enjoyed the reading so much that it tempted me wholly to add it to my top pick. Actually, the sentence I seem to correct will not be the only one that there is a mistake, that is just an example, there is still more review of the flow needed to be done. Trust me, if you leave this this way, it seems perfect, but I was just giving an idea as how small things in writing count. This is just a way to make a flow, so I hope this works...Goes to my top pick
wrote 131 days ago
Love it! Love it! Love it! Your use of description is wonderful! I love your characters. The plot is very nice and you dialouge is very well- written!Great Job-ClumsyGurrl
wrote 141 days ago
Ohmygosh! I looooove this story! It has such mystery and suspense, and I just want to find out what happens next! Who's Akasha? What does she have to do with Aribeth and Kisa? AHHHH!! Why won't my swaps open?!
wrote 148 days ago
I've only read through chapter 3 so far and I love it. The chapters are short, sweet, and engaging. I feel very engaged in the story and want to keep reading! I'm going to keep reading and rotate it to my picks.
wrote 150 days ago
I just finished chapter four. I immensely enjoy the plot, and the concept is pretty good. This is a completely different witch and magic novel than any other i have read. I agree with the comment below and that you write well above your age. Your writing certainly doesnt seem like that of a 14 year old but someone at least 2 years older. The only confusing part for me was the sudden vision of her sister. The entire shift between the 2 was kind of jarring,, but that might have been the effect you were looking for seeing the event woulf probably be the same for the character. good work
wrote 151 days ago
Very interesting! I loved how you introduced us to that enigmatic guy at the bar and how Aribeth was suddenly transported, then back again, then back at the scene... Great crafting of the mystery. I read the first few chapters then jumped to the later chapters and see a really great flow here with a nice building of characters and concept. Very well done!Tracy
wrote 158 days ago
wow, this is so good so far! i only read the first three chapters but i already love it. you made some mistakes like "having the to hear something crunch" I don't know what you were trying to say there, buit it doesn't make sense. Also once you wrote never instead of nerve, but it's still one of my fave stories on inkpop! Awesoem job1
wrote 160 days ago
I am completely intrigued and although it has several errors- this is going to go on my watch list- ( the errors are easy peasy fixes-) I like this piece and I will finish it asap- I am through chapter 6Couple of things- I really enjoyed the small 'taste' of the blonde boy as well as the hooded figures- interesting set up- nice job- Honestly I would love to give you more feedback other than good but I can't really say more than a pick spot-Oh, you have never instead of nerve in one spot- I do remember that- I like the fainting - I really enjoyed this- keep going and I will finish it soon!!
wrote 166 days ago
very good. please continue it
wrote 172 days ago
I have a confession to make, I don't often enjoy witch books, but I'm really enjoying this one! Its refreshing. Doesn't read like the same old thing. Dialogue is one of your strong points. It sounds real. I hate it when conversations don't flow like they would in real life. Haven't read it all, but will def be back for more. Good job.
wrote 175 days ago
this is a very nice peice i like it alot c:
wrote 188 days ago
nice! :D i haven't read a witch book in a while. mostly vampires. lol. i love it. i read a few chapters, but i'll read more when i get the time :D it's amazing.
wrote 190 days ago
I LOVE the story so far, it is a great read. I have never read a story like this one before!
wrote 192 days ago
An invisible wall? A fuzz of grey and black? Kisa being chased? Aribeth appearing in an alley from a night club? Too many questions! Very good, Hexii.
Really good. Catches the readers' attention from the start, in a relaxed and refreshing setting. Certainly, the perfect place to start a story like this. The writing, the relaxed feelings, you can catch emotions in your writing. I felt so refreshed when those words washed over me, and I'm still feeling quite refreshed. Do you have emotions stuck in your pencil? You've caught so many refreshing emotions in this chapter. Just... Amazing. I want this on my SHELF, not stuck on my computer's screen!
wrote 200 days ago
OMG! Hurry up and post more! OMG! I'm Damienized! I love him! lolREALLY GREAT!
I'm getting to reading it as soon as I can! Cause I'm a biggg Witch fanatic! lol Umm before you consider publishing this piece for real. Theres already a book out called "Witchlight." its by L.J. Smith its been out for over a decade. So yeah I would look into more titles before copyrights get after you. Just a friendly let know.I am dif reading this. It looks wayyy awesome!
wrote 203 days ago
I'm only on chapter nine but so far i really like it. And I love the name Aribeth by the way
wrote 210 days ago
Hi HexenOk I have read the first 6 chapters. Overall it's a great story so far. I'm going to give you a few things to think about.Things I love: I love the story book prologue. I like the characters and the sister dynamic. The birthmark and linking the story from the beginning is wonderful. Things I think you might want to look at: The bouncer in Chapter 2, his dialogue just doesn't seem to match his character. Watch tenses because I found a couple of times where you drifted from present tense to past, but only a couple. I'm not sure about the italics for some of the portions of the story. My understanding is these are used for inner thoughts. Also, I'm new at this too but the agent that has been reading over my stuff has made some suggestions for my work that might apply to yours as well. Make sure not to use the same word over and over again (i have a problem with this too). also read it over and see if you can add to the characters a bit. I guess for me they just didn't seem 3-d. that being said i've only read a portion of your book so far but if you want to find an agent or publisher my advice is that the first 5 chapters have to be incredible. That is all they look at, if they get past your query letter. If the first chapters aren't appealing they won't go any farther. I really like your book so far. please remember that i'm only providing my POV and I look forward to reading the rest soon. I'm keeping you on my WL and will take another gander next week.All the bestd;
wrote 211 days ago
great start
wrote 226 days ago
RLWNGWJKENGJKWERNVYOU LEAVE IT AT THAT?!?!?!? MORE!!!!
wrote 230 days ago
As usual, I am never disappointed when reading your stories and this one I must say is as good as the others. Just as amazingly origional and incredibly enticing! I can't wait to see more of this story! Well, any of your stories for that matter! Incredible job!
wrote 232 days ago
I'm really enjoying this. I've only read a few chapters so far, but I think it's great! One thing you may have an issue with is the alcohol in the New York club. The minimum drinking age in NY is 21 and I would think it's pretty strictly enforced. There would be no way a 16 year old would get in. It could be a pretty easy fix though, if you decided to make it some sort of non-alcoholic club. Love your chapter endings, you really know how to leave the reader wanting more! Great job!
wrote 236 days ago
I haven't read it all yet, but so far I have to say wow! I'm impressed that at fourteen you write so well! (I don't mean to sound patronising, it's just that lately most 14 year olds I meet can barely talk, nevermind write so brilliantly!) Keep up the good work. :)There are some mistakes in the structure/grammar but other than that, very original! Well done, it's really hard to find an original idea these days but after three days on this site, my hope is rekindled! haha..:p Like "ElevenSaysEverything" said this really is refreshing!:)
wrote 238 days ago
I've only been through the first three chapters, but this an incredibly gripping and well-written story. I love your dialogue, suspense, the characterizations - all fantastic. Great work! :)
wrote 245 days ago
woah them hooded figures sound creepy >_>If I get any nightamres - I BLAME YOU!Love ya really xDAnother Great Book xoxox
OK so wow this is really good!
Fantastic, fantastic beginning.Some minor sentence structure issues in the prologue, but chapter 1 is smooth and engaging. good job!
wrote 250 days ago
Omg so good so far!!!
i love this story
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