Book Jacket

Rank 137 (-8)

Word Count

5916

Date submitted

11.13.2009

Date Updated

02.12.2010

Six Simple Movements

by ohayjay

ShortStory: General Fiction, Romance, Paranormal

Sophie, recent college graduate and amateur composer, falls in love with the older artist-next-door. Then she is greeted with a realistic vision of his death.

Sophie just finished college and moved into a tiny studio apartment in New York City. She had plans to become the next great composer, and to spend the rest of her life alone. And then there was Victor, Sophie's neighbor and budding artist. Sophie spends her time admiring him from afar. That is, until Fate and a misplaced house key sends Victor hurtling into her life and heart. Their first night together brings a vision of the future that predicts an untimely end for her newfound love. This relationship is about to get complicated.

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ohayjay

wrote 117 days ago

For the record, there will be more. I am now fighting my way through another movement. In total, there will be six (or perhaps I will go over and have to change the title. Who knows?) movements.

Don't worry.

Do, however, check back.

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safs

wrote 116 days ago

I read the first chapter was totally over the moon. Then I read the second part and was about to chuck my computer on the floor and then it was a dream! Ahhh! I really don't want it to come true! I want a happy ending...please please please! As an side the use on Movements instead of chapters was really clever and what had me interested initially. The way you write Sophie's character is incredible! I really feel like I know her and understand why she is so crazy about Victor.

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nessawriteslove

wrote 3 days ago

I really truly do love this story. It's so great to read and I loved the most recent movement. Can't wait for the next one!

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nessawriteslove

wrote 3 days ago

I really truly do love this story. It's so great to read and I loved the most recent movement. Can't wait for the next one!

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nessawriteslove

wrote 3 days ago

I really truly do love this story. It's so great to read and I loved the most recent movement. Can't wait for the next one!

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Zephy Rocks

wrote 9 days ago

I've just read "Movement V" and I think it's great. The way she's talking to fate about Victor's death and then talking to Victor about cocoa...it's what my English teacher likes to call juxtaposition and what I like to call freaky. I can't wait to find out what happens next. Please message again when you update. :)

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jkt315

wrote 9 days ago

Hope to see an update soon! :D

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AllyLeian

wrote 18 days ago

This has to be a book!

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Fantasy_Is_Me

wrote 22 days ago

This is such a sweet story. I really like Sophie. You flesh her out wonderfully. One minor grammatical suggestion: In the first sentence you wrote, "A man whom I lived next door to." I think it's not as strong to end sentences with prepositions. Maybe say, "A man who lived next door to me." Just a suggestion. You can leave it how it is. It's your writing :) Also, I agree with Safs the Movements idea is very interesting and creative (and it goes with how Sophie is writing Six Movements for Beginner Pianists). Great work!
Keep Writing
kate

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immi96

wrote 27 days ago

amazing...it's the most i've read at once in ages!

can't wait for there 2 be more. love how you describe the actions of the two characters so casually, and the idea of movements is so clever! (& Fate creeped me out ;D)

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NewMagicWeaver

wrote 27 days ago

OMG! i really want to know what's going to happen next! I'm really enjoying it so far! :)

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greengable613

wrote 28 days ago

this story is quite blood chilling but yet it warms you right back up with how cute victor and sophie are together. keep going u realy have somthing here!!

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starryknight2010

wrote 28 days ago

Hey, I just finished the last movement that you wrote ( Mov't V). I really enjoyed that. When I read the part about Fate showing up, I got chills and this empty, helpless feeling. Normally, I am not a fan of first person, present tense writing, but so far you have done a pleasing job of keeping it interesting. The only thing that I note is that you use pronouns a lot, which is okay, just remember to break it up some with their names once in a while! Even still, please write more, I would love to read it.

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Artemis

wrote 28 days ago

I like the ending on the last movement. With the teasing nature at the end, it feels like trying to pour warm maple syrup over a blade. hahaha if that makes any sense :]

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Emileeeee

wrote 28 days ago

I absolutely love this. Your characterisation is just so REAL. Can't wait for the conclusion, I hope its soon.

Mil

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lauram722

wrote 29 days ago

Okay, now I'm really interested in the mysterious "Powers that be" that you've just introduced.

I know you said you wanted this to be six parts, but I think with enough development, you could make this a really engaging short novel.

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js82392

wrote 29 days ago

Oh wow I definitely like this new part, Movement V, I can't wait to see what happens next. I really like the style you've written this in too, Sophie's narration is very unique and endearing.

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FaythWriter

wrote 29 days ago

I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to post the next movement. :) I'm glad you did!

This is a very unusual and nice developement with the addition of Movement V. It adds even more suspense to this amazing story! I can't wait for you to add more! The next should be the last...but for some reason, I have a sneaky suspicion that it will be longer. Regardless...great job! Keep up the good work. :)

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souffle

wrote 29 days ago

i loved the physicalisation (?) of fate in movement v. it seems to be questioning sophie's independence, and her belief that she can control what will happen. and i loved how fate was described with sound of silk.. it kind of adds an elegance to the 'being', which connotates an indifference to how sophie feels about victor. this may make no sense at all. what i'm trying to say is i loved movement v :) in fact, i love this entire piece. i can't wait for movement vi!

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Athena Lyso

wrote 29 days ago

Very chilling. Good job on Movement V. I love their conversation through the wall. Excellent way to describe her sweater choice-"I am beautiful even when I don't try." Great!

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mscheponik

wrote 30 days ago

I like how you blend the good with the bad, especially in the most recent movement. It's kind of like how movements in music can have clashing themes. It almost gives the illusion that even though Sophie and Victor have these adorable moments together, it's like they are being haunted. Very nice update!

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silverlining

wrote 30 days ago

This is really intriguing. I love the way you set it up [with your different movements, I mean]. I only saw a few errors -- In Movement V, you said were, and I think you meant where. Also in Movement V, you say, “I prance to the corner of the room and squeeze passed my piano.” Where you say passed, it should be past. Let me know when you add the last movement; I’m dying to read more!

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jkt315

wrote 30 days ago

"I would be were I am now" should be "I would be where I am now"


I love this! I wasn't expecting the whole thing with Fate. It reminds me of a dream my character has in my book only she meets Death. I really love this and hope you update soon. If you decide to make it longer than 6 movements I would love it even more :D The characters are realisitc and loveable. Sophie and Victor are complete opposites but when you see them together it just fits. This isn't leaving my picks for a while.

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Teen_writer

wrote 30 days ago

So I've read three and a half movements and I'm pretty hooked. This is really good. I think I'm sevret;y in love with Victor lol He's so sweet and nice, the perfect man for any love story. But if he dies I'm probably gonna cry and never read again :( But this is really good. It's in my watchlist so that I can continue reading later!

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kissofjade

wrote 30 days ago

omg it just gets better and better. i can not wait to read more. please make sure you let me know when you put more up.

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Athena Lyso

wrote 31 days ago

This is great. I love the concept of telling the story in terms of movements. It is refreshing and interesting. I care about what happens to them and their romance. You have a gift. Now because I don't want to give you fluff comments I will mention some things that stood out or that you may want to give thought to. It's your story. It's great.

These may just be things to think of for the next story you write or for your next draft. On the idea of music- I want to know more about her being a composer. Not just that she has been to school and worked at not letting go of her dreams. I want to know how music shapes who she is and how she sees and experiences the world. Why is it so important to her? The fact that each chapter is a movement fabulous. Next, I want to know more about the sheepish looks and admiring from afar. Putting that more toward the beginning of the story would build anticipation and let you establish sexual tension and make us even more vested in their getting a happy ending.

I was caught off guard by why she believes her dream will come true. That part confused me because I wasn't sure if she was afraid because she lost someone or if she believed in dreams. I love how you introduce the dream as if it was the natural progression of the story. I just got confused about where she was coming from after she realized it was a dream. I didn't get it until movement IV.

I saw another comment someone mentions the subject/verb trap. That happens to all of us. One thing I have learned is that every passage, paragraph and sentence has a rhythm. As tension builds sentences can convey the feeling by getting shorter, more direct. Whereas a lazy moment or a moment of confusion may link together longer phrases. I read mine aloud to make sure it is flowing in the way I want. In the same way music and poetry have a melody to them, so should prose. I like what you have so far.

Just a reminder to engage all the senses, smell, touch, taste, as well as sound and sight. Your opening is so strong because of it, but your descriptions become more visual as the narrative continues. You switch to using more metaphors, which are great. But don't forget to keep the sensory descriptions going. So when she breaks the plate did she feel the cuts on her feet? How did the plate feel in her hands before she dropped it? (Just picking on that as an example because I can see it as I write in the comment field.)

Lastly, this was just something I caught in movement IV. Strive to use imagery consistent with who the character is in terms of their experiences, especially in very personal moments. For example, where she speaks of going radioactive, then icy streams and finally iron gates. All great images to express how she is feeling but how does that connect to her experiences and how do three very different images connect to one another. Expressing how she feels in terms of things she has experienced or we associate with her character, strengthens her voice and increases the intimacy of the moment. I will totally contradict myself by saying I do like the idea of referencing going radioactive, to people who have stood in front of the microwave too often. It just struck me a little odd when comparing to glowing with love to glowing from radiation exposure. Especially when only a few sentences above she wants him to tell her loves her.

Sorry I have written a book trying to explain what I picked up on. Take what you want from the above and throw out the rest if you like. Let me conclude by saying I am a fan. I will be following this story closely. Happy writing and thank you for sharing your work. I can't wait to read the rest of the story.

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jkt315

wrote 33 days ago

Just got to Movement IV and I am IN LOVE with this. Your characters are amazing, and I really am totally in love with this story. Thank you for sending me a message b/c I never would have found this otherwise. On my picks list for sure.

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WolfHeart93

wrote 33 days ago

awwww i love victor and this has great potential to become a full length book. keep it up!

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Artemis

wrote 34 days ago

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. A great idea.

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Sabryth

wrote 34 days ago

wow, this was really good. i like it a lot :)

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LittleMissWriter

wrote 34 days ago

I'm glad you are not done with this yet because i can't wait to read more :) It has great potential...

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arElana

wrote 68 days ago

Nice. I really enjoyed this and I could actually feel the strong feelings in beween Sophie and Victor. I think you should make her get more yellow plates or something to add more obstacles in her quest to make Victor live.

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Juni

wrote 69 days ago

I absolutely love this. One of the best stories I've read in a while.

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x.betweenthelines

wrote 81 days ago

I think this is a lovely story. Very creative and original. I love how you've used 'movements' instead of chapters. Good work!

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akabins

wrote 83 days ago

I think I love this, a bit. Very cool concept, it felt fresh and interesting to me. I found some tense problems, particularly in early movements, and some passive voice that could be activated. Overall, I think your characterization and description are both well done! :)
Some of the early dialogue seemed a little pretentious to me, and their falling in love seemed randomly sudden. I'd like to see a little more lead in to this, possibly by describing their relation to each other earlier on in the vignette. On a first pass it seems like they're perfect strangers.

Great writing! Let me know when you post more! :)

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kumquatsrus

wrote 85 days ago

I'm really fond of this story so far. Definitely watchlisting it. Your descriptions are beautiful, especially when describing your main characters. The fire and water analogy was brilliant. I didn't notice any grammar or punctuation errors -- this is very fluid and well-written. Calling chapters movements is excellent -- I'm a musician, so I was way able to relate. My only critique is the way the beginning of Movement 2 is structured. It doesn't flow as well, and left me feeling a bit confused (until I went back and read it again and realized what had happened). But maybe that's the effect you were going for. In any case, this is wonderfully written. I'm definitely looking forward to reading the rest of what happens! :D

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Composition

wrote 85 days ago

=? i see no update lol

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WaterJenny

wrote 85 days ago

Interesting!! I liked it :D

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silver.roses

wrote 85 days ago

I like it, and I'm either confused because some parts were missing, or because I read too fast because I wanted to see how it ended. I'm not too sure. I don't think I made the connection that she was pregnant in the dream -- though I did make one that suggested they wanted to have kids -- so that was kind of sudden. But, I may have just missed that while reading.
Very nice :) good work. I'll have to come back and read more :)

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Composition

wrote 85 days ago

this was awesome. totally agree with safs

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Shadowswolf

wrote 85 days ago

Very good! I liked it, it was funny and sad (the divorced part-anyway) at the same time. I have yet to read it all, but I enjoyed it! I'll check back soon.

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basma28

wrote 85 days ago

i read half of it and i like it

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Kariah

wrote 85 days ago

I've only read a bit, but so far I'm enthralled, this is very interesting. I liked the use of movements instead of chapters. Good job

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Neicy101

wrote 87 days ago

I've only read a bit of this story (Finals. No time to read lol) but so far I love it! Can't wait to finish it. I love the main character. *Neicy*

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ElevenSaysEverything

wrote 88 days ago

This is VERY well written, and I am excited for the new additions :)

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nessawriteslove

wrote 91 days ago

I got so into it that when I got the end I said, "...THAT'S IT?!"

It was very well written and unexpected. Excited for the next two movements!

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pop_princess4evr

wrote 92 days ago

wow, hey this is reall ygood. your writing has a lot od depth to it and that's what had me compelled :p

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creekkid

wrote 92 days ago

yeah i do really like this i can't wait for the other movements! i think its probably more of a novella than a short story but thats ok to!

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Artemis

wrote 92 days ago

Hey Jasmine! You wrote more, thats good. Keep going, I live your short story. I love it. If you could, could you check out my poems? You've alredy read them, but i hope you can comment on them. If you would, could you check out A Peach In My Nightstand and I Live For Her ? Thank you!

Artemis

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Poem

wrote 92 days ago

This is amazingly well written!

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daddyslady4ever@gmail.com

wrote 93 days ago

I couldnt stop reading! I loved it. I feel like I know know them, even though Ive only read a little. I'm beginning to feel their character. :) I really like it.

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Ummyeahh

wrote 93 days ago

Wow, this was really good. I totally got into it [: beautifully written.

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