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Book Jacket

Rank 1036 (-26)

Word Count

20890

Date submitted

02.24.2010

Date Updated

05.15.2010

Purple Melody

by musicluver914

Book: Romance, General Fiction

I'd never met my dad, but that was hardly a problem in my mind.

It's been seventeen years since Alyssa Santos graduated from high school. It has been nearly as long since she gave birth to her daughter Melody. Melody has never met her father, who doesn't even know she exists. Now that Alyssa wants to pursue her dream career, she makes the decision that it's time for Melody to meet her father, who still doesn't know about Melody. What starts off as the most boring, not to mention wet, summer of her life, spins Melody around on a journey of love, friendship and meanings of being around the people who love you most.

NOTE: Towards the end chapters and some of the middle ones this book would be rated PG-13 by me. Not much cursing but their is teen drinking and in the end a small scene that may not be appropriate for younger people, but i assume most of you won't take it badly, since most of you are alot older.
ALSO: thank you so much, casey261 for making this cover! i can never make up my mind about anything though, so there may be some other ones up every now and again, but this is it for now.

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iSeeGlitterInTheAir

wrote 38 days ago

I've read all 10 chapters and I can say that this story has absolute character. The story line is great,
and I really like the characters in here. I hope you continue past chapter 10. You are really talented
and on a very good track. (:

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love2write2

wrote 44 days ago

I really admire you writing at such a young age. It is so commendable! I do think you need to do a little polishing on your work.Maybe have a friend who is an older teen read it and give you suggestions. I know that even in my own work, the best help for developing a great story is finding a good friend who loves to write. Keep up the good work!!!

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gogogrl

wrote 76 days ago

A is for awesome, and that's what this book is. You did a wonderful job writing this. I was swept up immediately into what was happening. Kudos to you. Can't wait for an update.

Jan

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mleedancerr12

wrote 136 days ago

You need to update.. like. now.
LOL
Good job!

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KDBDanielle

wrote 136 days ago

I believe I remember reading this awhile back. I believe it's such a wonderful idea for a plot. I don't remember the prologue before; it's a very nice touch and very well-written. Can't wait to add this to my picks and come back to read more! Nice work!!

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cyc

wrote 137 days ago

Looky, it's picky :)

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aLiCe_FrOm_WoNdErLaNd

wrote 138 days ago

the relationship between Melody and Sean is sweet, and it wants me to keep reading. You have a bit of dialogue errors [like all of us so its really no big deal] and i love the prologue/first chapter :] you really have me tied down and i will be back for more! this is going on my watch list!

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cyc

wrote 138 days ago

This has been such a fun read so far. I think Sean and Melody are very cute together. It’s so funny to see him throwing her into the lake when she’s still asleep. He is obviously crushing on Melody. I feel that Melody falls in love too fast in the early chapters when she mentions about true love. Still, I want to see more of a reason why she doesn’t want to be with Sean. She wants to stay friends with him. Is this related to what happened to her parents? Since it's still early in the book, I would like to see more interaction with her dad. How is he feeling about getting a daughter? How does he feel about her mother?

I really hope she gets with Sean before Samantha somehow ruins it.
Let me know when you update!
Will pick soon :)

Corrections:

Ch 2
“I’ll take you up on that offer for a tour[.]” I smiled at him.
“Great! Let’s get to it then[.]” [He] put out his arm…
“This is the kitchen[.]” [He] continued on back…
“…which we rarely eat at unless someone is over[.]” [He] walked over…
“…But one is mainly just family pictures[.]” [He] skipped this case.
[He] picked my hand off its spot…
“I would like that[.]” I grinned.
“That would be Jack[.]” [He] [led] me back…
“How do I look[,] Sean? Honest[.]” [As] soon as the words…
“Beautiful[.]” [He] smiled…
“Wow, Melody, your first day here, and we’re eating at the table[.]” Sean then turned to Jack.

Ch 3
“…Let’s go[.]” I started tying…
“…Come down when you’re ready[.]” Sean left the room.
“We most certainly are, Melody[,]” Brian said…

Ch 4
“What in the world was that about[,] Sean?”
“…You’re awesome[,] Mel…”
“Good morning to you too[.]” [He] laughed…
“…it’s been like a diner in here[.]” [He] smiled at me.
“What’s funny is my mom does [too]…I must have got my mad cooking skills from Jack[.]”
“…It’s one of the very few things I’m good at[.]” I smirked.
“Don’t you dare say that[,] Melody…”

Ch 5
“You don’t get it[,] Melody…’Cause I have no freakin’ idea!” [he] yelled…
[He] paused and at first, I thought he had given up.
“Thanks, I really have to use the bathroom[.]” [He] smiled his warm smile…
“Oh yeah, I hang around people I hate this much[.]” [He] laughed some more.
“…I won’t be eating dinner, thank you though[,] Melody[.]”
“For a walk, I’ll be back soon[.]”
“…or I’m coming to look for you[.]” [He] winked…
“…Now get out of my way[.]” [She] pushed me…
“…You know you’re just jealous though[.]” I laughed…

Ch 6
[He] climbed over the side into the boat…
“Ready as I’ll ever be[.]” I breathed in slowly…
“…I took three years of Junior Lifeguard training[.]” [He] winked…
“I’ll try[.]” I nodded nervously.
“You can slow down[.]” [The] nausea crept back up my throat.
“…You really shouldn’t have let me just sleep there[.]” I didn’t give…
“Ah. Curiosity killed the cat, they say[.]” [He] launched himself…
“You’re a good guesser[.]” [He] winked…
“Yeah, this is a classic. The Beatles[.]” [He] moved…
“Yeah, it’s one of their older ones[.]” [He] started…

Ch 7
“Hi guys[.]” I went…
“Nope, that’s it[.]” Jen dug…
“Let’s go find a table[.]” [She] led us away…
“Because you don’t see how much Sean likes you[.]” [She] glanced behind her…
“…They asked a lot of questions and then you guys showed up[.]” I stared…
“…Come sit in the back with me[.]” [He] grabbed…
“…I’ll get it[.]” [He] jumped out…
“…It was kind of their thing to be prepared[.]” [His] smile…
“Oh, Sean. I’m really sorry[.]” I wrapped…
“…your dad is pretty great[.]” [He] lightly kissed…
[The] boy was a lot smaller than both Sean…
“We could use a jump[.]” Sean stood up…
“…Billy is going to be a freshman in the fall at the high school[.]” [She] jumped up…
“Oh, cool[.]” I appreciated her friendliness…
“…Have a nice vacation[.]” [He] walked past…

Ch 8
“…I turned eighteen today[.]” [He] licked both sides…
“Oh. Happy birthday, Sean[.]” I got out…
“No, [it’s] fine[.]” I grabbed his arm…
“Oh. Okay I guess I’ll just hang out here today then[.]” [My] shoulders slumped…
“…I won’t go without you[.]” [He] grabbed my arm…
“…So we’ll have to figure something out for dinner[.]” [He] was standing…
“I’m not sure. That’s up to you, I guess[.]” [He] continued…
The highest score was Laurie’s, [whose] final score was one-hundred-twelve.
“…I only had one beer and I didn’t take it well[.]” I laughed…

Ch 9
“…But you have to do me a favor first[.]” [He] grinned…
“White Crows, of all things. Funny, isn’t it?” [She] giggled.
“Yeah, I’m sure[.]” I glanced…
“…You won’t get it, so never mind[.]” [He] shook his head…
[She] stopped and looked from Sean to me.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Sean. Never mind[.]” I got up…
“Well you should probably let him know that[.]” [She] rolled her eyes.

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mleedancerr12

wrote 139 days ago

This story is wicked cute, and has some nice moments.
You have a nice handle on dialogue.
And I really like the title, Purple Melody... so pretty.
My only suggestion so far is that in chapter two you don't have to say 'waitress lady' just by saying waitress we know that she's a lady. :)
I'm really enjoying your story.. I can't wait to read more.
-Marisa :]

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Kristin Nimo

wrote 139 days ago

First off, I love the beginning sentence. You make it very clear to the audience and not a bleak opening and I love that. I was very drawn in since the first sentence. I love how you write that first sentence and it basically gives off the impression of you can fall in love at any given moment in time, in any matter, and anywhere no matter what age you are, you can still fall in love. I found myself wanting more and more and more. The prologue had me asking a bunch of questions and it was a really good cliffhanger; as cliffhangers are ideal in books. Overall, I love this and will continue to read! Keep me updated!!

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StephanieAnna

wrote 139 days ago

Just started reading this, its so sweet! Keep writing!

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Carolina1997

wrote 142 days ago

Okay this is just cruel!!!
I've already read the 9 chapters and well, i sorta want more(:
This is going on my picks list(:
When will you add another 9 Chapters ? :D

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mleedancerr12

wrote 142 days ago

So far, I've only read the prologue and 1st chapter, and I love it so far. It's really cute.
I liked the prologue, it was very Nicholas Sparks like- in the respect that you let the reader know straight up that this isn't going to be a happily ever after kind of story. And you have me intrigued, I'm wondering why Jack would have a restraining order put on her... he seems nice so far. I will definitely be back for more. Watch list... and will most likely pick it after I read more. :]
-Marisa :]

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bookworm2

wrote 143 days ago

during your prologue, i like the part where you describe how much she really loves Sean: "I find myself everyday believing more and more that we still love each other. it wasn't teenage love, but the kind of love you you'll never forget."
i liked the way Sean has dimples on his cheeks. i think it's so cute.
"I wanted so much to hug him, comfort him, but he might think it was weird." something like that. and later on i liked the part where he was still holding hands with her. so cute.
i loved the part where he calls her beautiful. really smiled at that <3
and the part at the end where she calls him Dad. that's so cute too.

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bookworm2

wrote 143 days ago

this is such a sweet story. i haven't read it all, but what i have really makes me smile at times.

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Lexi Cassidy

wrote 145 days ago

I really like this :)
just so you know you changed seans eye color from blue to green but other than that it was amazing

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mscheponik

wrote 145 days ago

I love the tension between Melody and Sean. It makes me want to keep reading because they have all these moments where you think they're going to get together, but then they don't. It keeps the interesting going. :) Also, they have a lot of little cute moments, like the part with him talking about his parents and she comforted him, and then she asked him to teach her to drive a stick shift. Their relationship is building from something real, which I like. Though, I hope to see more of Melody interacting with her dad, too, soon. A couple places in chapter 7, you forgot the comma when a character addressed another character by name. The one example I remember is: "Okay[,] Matt." I'm excited to see the concert. :)

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Kes Loves You

wrote 145 days ago

This is good, I liked it alot. The letter was good, as was your dialouge.

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Kes Loves You

wrote 145 days ago

This is good, I liked it alot. The letter was good, as was your dialouge.

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cara_ruegg

wrote 147 days ago

so far so good. i like the whole part of her that wants to be accepted by her father. we all want to find acceptance. i also like her conflicting feelings and how you portrayed that. the letter was a nice touch as well. your characterization was also good. your characters are def fleshed out. i'll add this to my picks soon as i have the room.

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kevinwong_HoD

wrote 147 days ago

Beautiful writing my friend. I love the familial relationships you show in your writing. The theme of romance is very well done in your story too. Wonderful! :-)

Yours Truly,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

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Mitsomi

wrote 148 days ago

so far ive read the first chapter and i love it. its a rather cute story. i love your use of imagery details; i feel as if im there. i enjoy your characters. sean and jack seem like the nice people i dont meet enough :]. i believe in a sentence you wrote to when i believe it was suppouse to be too. other then that, great job. i will be back to read more later.

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Maddie11

wrote 149 days ago

I've read the first chapter and I really like this so far! Excellent beginning, I'm looking forward to reading more :) I'll tell you why I like it in a minute, but first, here are some suggestions...

“I’m sending her to you, I’m beginning…” Should be a semicolon instead of a comma.

“My eyes watched the dark road outside; as we went deeper and deeper it seemed into no where.” Nowhere is one word, and I don’t really understand this sentence.

Make sure to put your dialogue on separate lines!

“I laughed to myself at my odd use of the word ‘hot’.” The period needs to go inside the quotation marks. But I love this scene—it made me laugh ☺

“Some of the titles I recognized like…” You need a comma before “like.”

You have a lot of comma splices and semicolons. You might want to try combining your sentences in different ways... does that make sense?

I was a little confused about why Sean was there... is he living with her father?

Onto the good stuff...
Your details are absolutely amazing. I love all the detail in the paragraph beginning with “My mom grew up in…” Really gives us an insight into Melody’s character.
The reunion with Melody's dad was so sweet :) I really liked the way you did that; it wasn't dramatic or overdone, but it made me go "aaaaw..."
Ooh, like the relationship between Melody and Sean :) I sense a budding romance...
You have an original storyline-- it's a beautiful story, and I was engrossed in it right away.
You have some great dialogue! It's very realistic-- a little careful and unsure, treading the waters. Fits the story quite well.
Melody is such a great character, as is Sean. Very well developed and impressive :)

Overall, I loved this story. You did a great job, and I'm definitely adding it to my picks :) Feel free to message me if you have any questions about the critique-- excellent job! Hope I helped :)
~Maddie





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mscheponik

wrote 153 days ago

I really like this so far! And I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you and read it. You do a good job of developing the relationship between Sean and Melody. They have an attraction to each other, but it's not too fast-paced, and there's depth to them both and how they get to know each other more as they hang out. I also liked the fight they had, and how you showed that it bothered Sean about how Melody kept complaining about her dad not being around, presumably because he can't see his parents anymore. It felt very realistic. What also was very realistic was when Melody looked through the yearbook and when she sees the picture of her parents, she thinks of herself as the one who screwed everything up. It was very emotional and gives a deeper insight into her character.

Like a few other people mentioned, I feel like the "Once you're tired of her, feel free to send her back to me" line doesn't fit in with the rest of Alyssa's letter. It seems like she wants him to get to know her but then says, oh well just send her back. Maybe make it more of, "I'd understand if you'd just want to send her back." That's really the only glimpse of her mom we get, and I think she really cares about Melody getting to know her dad and wouldn't just want to cast her off. The only other thing that I had a suggestion about was introducing Sean's nine friends all at once. Only a couple of them talk, so it doesn't seem necessary to me to have them all there and introduced at the same time. But that's just my opinion, and it wasn't bad or confusing the way you had it.

This was very enjoyable to read, and I'd love to see more of it! :)

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vampirewaffle

wrote 153 days ago

aww this is very cute!! all i would suggest is when you are describing things put in melody's point of view as well, like how she like's her room because it felt warm and cozy. or how Sean makes her feel. great job!!!!! i really like it!!!

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musicluver914

wrote 154 days ago

thanks a bunch to casey261 for the amazing cover!!! check back soon, because im changing melody from a blonde to a brunette (not just because of the cover, but i think it will suit her better)
~Kaetlyn

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Lycanthrope

wrote 154 days ago

I read all of what you have so far

I'll get my only negitive comment out of the way first. I thought the scene in chapter 4 was just a little too meladramatic, but that may just be me. I would extend it a little and put the reasons for the sudden tears and then the laughing and smiles, and maybe facial expressions to show when they changed.

Otherwise, it was ver well written. There are a lot of quotes in this piece i love, and they help you understand the characters a lot better. I love the line after Sam shows up and it leaves you to insert your own wording, because you can make Sam as nice or as B***** as you want. Awesome job, and keep up the great work.

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prettylittlepoet

wrote 154 days ago

I am liking Sean :) Very Well Written

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taylor ann

wrote 156 days ago

i see that you edited some of it from the short story original but i love the new addition!!!
great work you should defenitly keep going!

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ashlutz

wrote 156 days ago

orginal storyline =] you have a couple of spelling mistakes, nothing major just wrong types of words like through when it should be threw stuff like that. a couple of missing apostrophise which you can get rid of with a good edit, i hope you do give it a good edit - it deserves it. i'd like to read more of this but its 4 am so its going on my wl and will go on my picks as soon as inkpop lets me XD - i just said it again thought you might apprechiate it =D

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