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Rank 6923 (-86)
Word Count
1591
Date submitted
02.27.2010
Date Updated
03.01.2010
by coffinspire
ShortStory: General Fiction
She came out of nowhere and now she's gone, and he wants to know why.
He'd never even heard of her until Siobhan let her move in, even though she and Siobhan had apparently known each other for a long time. But as suddenly as she came, she was gone, leaving him feeling lost and bewildered.
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9 Comments
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wrote 96 days ago
Nice story :) Not usually my type, but it worked well due to your excellent writing style!I think the characters seem so real...so lifelike...it all works out perfectly. Nicely done.The only suggestion I have is the spacing. It made the story seem a little too long and menacing. I dunno...maybe rework it so that the paragraphs are a little closer together?
wrote 109 days ago
I...really enjoyed this. The somewhat sparse writing syle is a relief after reading some of the more overly (and often unnecassary) descriptive stuff on this site. I actually like how this was told from the friend's point of view rather than the lover's. In a story about matters of the heart I really like to see friendship come out, and I liked the dynamic between Seth and both girls. I do think at least a hint about why Jayne left though might have made the story stronger (trouble in her past, mention of a dream etc.) Other random thing, I kind of wanted to know what movie they were watching.
wrote 161 days ago
I’m kind of confused in the beginning. Siobhan lives with her boyfriend, she describes him as hot, but then who is Mystery Girl? and the girl is Siobhan’s type. Siobhan is a girl’s name. Is she bisexual or lesbian? you don’t make it clear.okay, so my question was kind of answered. but the beginning is still unclear, at least to me.otherwise, this is well-written, a slightly different ending than I was expecting. good job.drsheridan
This is really well written and i liked it but i just dont get the ending...it seems that he was in love with her? or maybe not. maybe im not getting that vibe. But it is really good, great job!
wrote 165 days ago
This is great. You manage to give us enough about the characters to understand the story, but not too much that makes us feel bored.I liked the little flashbacks. They really gave us some insight on the characters' lives.I especially like the ending. "'You never know what's going to happen."' I think you should've just put that, and left off the narration after it, or switched them around. It's just such a powerful ending.
wrote 190 days ago
I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT THE ENDING NEEDS A LITTLE WORK. THE HOLE THING SEEMS UNFINISHED SO I'M NOT SURE IF THERE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MORE TO THE STORY. THERE ALSO SEEMS TO BE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF INFORMATION ON THE CHARACTERS AND I FEEL LIKE THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE ABOUT THEM. BUT OVERALL IT'S A GOOD START BUT I KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER.
wrote 192 days ago
Technical stuff [font size/color] improved.
wrote 193 days ago
I like this a lot, but it's a little cryptic for me. Before I get into the literary stuff - make the print bigger, shorten the spaces between paragraphs, and make it black, not gray. It's just easier to read. Now. I think you should elaborate on the relationship between Siobhan and Jayne. Also, the ending is a bit of a letdown. I like the concept of switching time periods, but I think the story should end in the present.
Aww. This is very well written. It seems kind of sad to me.
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