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Rank 37 (-2)
Word Count
35896
Date submitted
03.06.2010
Date Updated
07.27.2010
by UntitledMess
Book: , Adventure, General Fiction
Great. I knew my life was a joke.Being on drugs was fun... what stupid thing could I possibly do?
3:17 p.m. Monday. My dad beats me. He destroys every ounce of my will.5:40 p.m. Tuesday. Struggling to keep sane, I turn to heroin for a quick escape.4:47 p.m. Wednesday. Even my best friend, Jake, can't help himself. He rapes me while high on heroin.I have to get away. Can't stand my dad. Can't face my friend.A new guy in school might be the answer... Will he help? Or just destroy me completely?
On 68 Pick Lists
On 62 Watch Lists
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wrote 46 days ago
The entire story has had HUGE edits. There are parts that have been added, changed, fixed. ECT. There's also a new chapter, (ch. 14) and all that golden stuff. Hopefully I've lived up to the wait, yeah? Just scan through it for the updates. But one of the biggest ones is in chapter 5. You'll HAVE to read that one, since it pertains to chapter 14 a lot.Still, swappers, I'mma get to you. Haven't forgotten. I've had vacation, and laziness, and a whole band thing that's comin' up, soooo~ Yeah. x__x Enjoy?
wrote 146 days ago
Wow.I can't tell you how many storie's I've read on this site, only because I've promised a return-read to someone (most of which I didn't really like to begin with). Your story, however, has latched onto me in a certain way that it won't let go.The first line of chapter one was even shocking! I yearned to know what was happening next, and yes, I actually continued to read on to chapter 2 as well.I just wanted you to know that I hardly ever do that. The only reason I made an exception this time, was because you made a definite connection with me. I feel we're on the same wave-length here with our characters and their thoughts. You're description is amazing, and you're dialogue is flat-out mind-boggling.I can't wait to read more!Definitely on my pick's.I wish you all the luck with this!-Drowning.Silently.-
wrote 142 days ago
Such bravery in telling this raw story. It's probably the best I've read here about this subject matter. Brutal, compelling, and honest, and you still manage to have an engaging, relatable voice. You should be really proud of yourself. I especially like the use of time and chronology to emphasize the daily abuse. It's really effective.Chapter five was absolutely riveting.And Chapter 6 hooks the reader when the story transitions. "Like I died and came back to life." Such a great line, so full of meaning.One thing I was hoping for was more use of similies (chapter 5 is where you do this best). I really wanted to FEEL the euphoria of the heroin high and the beating from the father in the early chapters. Maybe think about trying to describe these feelings in a little more detail by comparing them to something. What, specifically, did the high feel like aside from "euphoric"? The "burning pain" from the beating can be compared to what? These details really give the reader more of an experience, rather than just an understanding.I adore your work though!-H.A
wrote 3 days ago
XD thats halirious faceless! XD
wrote 4 days ago
Your pitch immediantly got my attention, very strong. This whole thing is heart wrenching. They way you've protrayed Jason is spot on. You can really feel how scared and in pain he is. I couldn't help but feel horrible for the poor boy, I wanted to do something to help him. This is a hard subject to write about but you made it so realistic and powerful I had to keep going. I had to know what would happen next and if Jason was even going to make it out in one piece. It's beautifully written. There are very few books that have touched me as this one has, good work. When you wake up the next morning only being able to read half the night before and not being able to think about anything else expected finishing it, that is a mark of a truely wonderful book.Everyone of your character is so deep, they all have their problems they have to overcome. It adds to the realistic nature. It sad to say but this could acutally be someone life, that how well written the feeling and emotions of the characters come across.The only thing I didn't like is you haven't finished it yet, and you left me wanting to know what will happen to that poor boy once his father wakes up. If you decided to update please let me know.Good Luck! This story is truely amazing and I hope you go far with it.Consider it pick.Nac
wrote 5 days ago
I wish I could say more about this, but I'm not that good at it, there fore, i second every positive comment that is placed here
I fucking love this. PUBLISH NAOW
it amuses me that there is a report abuse button on this story XD
wrote 10 days ago
Ello there. It's me again. This time I managed to read more than a few paragraphs, I read 7 chapters. I'm glad I did your story is really riveting and it drew me in easily making me read more chapters than I thought I was reading. Here are thoughts as I read.Chp 2-I liked the reference to burning needles and the voodoo doll.-This is where I started not to like Jake-Of course teachers don't realize that we know the regulations of good behavior from the year before. Oh maybe they do and they just want to bore us...well good for them the're succeeding.-I wonder if Michael is intimidated by the bruise on Jason's face of if he's just nervous cuz he's new.Chp 3-I'm hoping it was the heroin that made Jake force himself on Jason but something tell me its not.Chp 4-I can't believe that Jason thinks its his fault that he receives abuse. I've heard that abused people usually think that its their fault, that if they were different or if they hadn't been born everything would be ok with their abusers. I first heard about that in the book called "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer.-Oh my goodness Jason's father is a sly son of a bitch. I'm sorry about my language but the term seemed appropriate to describe him. "It's been troublesome; he picks fights with people he shouldn't be." Has Jason's father really taken a look at Jason. From my understanding Jason is timid and small.-And because of his smooth talking the nurse believed Jason's father. Unbelievable.Chp 5-When I read the first line of the chapter I knew something bad had happened. So Jason's dad decided to cut Jason. What is he trying to kill him?-Oh my goodness and now Jake takes advantage of Jason. And Jason trusted him as a best friend. I don't know how he's going to recover from this since he's been kicked out of the house and his friend just betrayed their trust in an unbelievable manner.Chp 7Why is Jake sorry? For pushing Jason against the lockers or is it because he rememberes what he did to Jason?Overall amazing amazing. I can't praise it enough. It kept me hooked because I had no idea what was ever going to happen. I felt slightly nauseous in some of the scenes when Jason's dad abused him but I also felt anger. Good job in writing this in a manner that made my emotions change from one moment cussing at Jason's dad then being happy that Michael and his mom brought him into their house. This is meant for my pick list. Great job and best of luck.
wrote 14 days ago
Oh...my...god...I'm on chapter eight. I wanted to wait to comment until I read everything, because I can't help myself, I have to read this through. But I just wanted to let you know, my heart was literally hurting reading this chapter. That only happens when I'm in love with a character and am fearing for them. Great. Job. On to chapter nine!
wrote 18 days ago
oh. my. GOD!okay, i read chapters 11-13 today, and honestly i'm scared out of my wits! u need to keep writing more!!! this is so good!!!
wrote 23 days ago
UPDATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WORK ON MORE CHAPTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM OBSESSED WITH YOUR BOOK!!!!!! WOULD YOU PUHLEEZE UPDATE IT AGAIN!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!
wrote 24 days ago
Chronological AbuseChapter One:First off, I’m so sorry for the long wait!! Now to business.That was an excellent hook. The writing’s already strong and I’ve only read the first two paragraphs. I can tell that this will be good ^^Oh, damn. That’s intense. So wait. Jake injects him with heroin then says “I’ll stay with you to make sure you don’t do anything stupid.”?? Am I the only one seeing the irony here?!The MC is already somewhat developed by the end of this. Very good. I don’t have any crits for the chapter. On to the next. ^^Chapter Two:Damn, this is seriously intense! I’m loving this so far!Oh, come on. How come he doesn’t have an alarm clock? He’s got to have an alarm clock. Unless he does but forgot to set it…?Mr. Harvey doesn’t have to whisper it, I’m sure. They’re the only people in the classroom. He doesn’t have to whisper. ‘Well[,] that made my life easier.’Like I said, I’m loving this! On to the next chapter!
wrote 28 days ago
I love it... It is totally going on my pick list... You are awesome... The way you describe things in this story is amazing. Dont ever stop!
wrote 34 days ago
I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to return your read. I went on a hiatus and only just returned to inkpop, so here I am!staring down at the ground and not at his face. [this sentence seemed off to me. Maybe it’s just me, but it just didn’t flow as well as everything around it. You could try replacing the and with a comma or maybe the phrase “averted my eyes” or something? I don’t know...]…stubble filled face… [hmm, I’m having trouble with the verb here. Faces aren’t really filled with stubble so much as covered, right? or am I just not getting it?]The contact felt like it was breaking skin; I tumbled back and caught myself on the grimy brick wall. [okay, I don’t think the semicolon is your best option here. It’s not used incorrectly, persay, but it doesn’t really connect the two sentences well. They’re two completely different styles and adding the semicolon draws attention to that. Also, I think there should be a comma between grimy and brick]I called a ‘friend’… [maybe try italicizing it instead of the quotes]The belt was cinched too tight on my thin arm; the blood pumped against the belt but didn’t reach my forearm. My fingers felt numb. [tight should be tightly and again, this semicolon doesn’t seem right. If I were writing this, I’d put it like this: The belt was cinched too tightly on my thin arm and the blood pumped against it, but it didn’t reach my forearm; my fingers felt numb. I think the semicolon would work better to connect the last sentence, rather than the other two.]okay, you actually had me shuddering during the description of injecting the heroin. Seriously, job well done.…pure euphoria crept into the back of my head; so suddenly that… [okay, this semicolon is used incorrectly. In order for a semicolon to work, the phrases on both sides of the semicolon must be complete. If you replaced it with a period, it has to still work, so in this case, a comma would be the right punctuation.]This is an incredibly powerful first chapter! Your descriptions are brilliant and the voice of the main character is gripping. I applaud you for writing this so well, since there’s ample opportunity to write something like this in an immature manner. Your writing is both mature and entertaining, so kudos to you!Happy inkpopping!~Rosiee
wrote 37 days ago
I was only able to read up to chapter 10 today, but this story is amazing. Raw, emotional, and powerful... it's a tabooed subject, and I applaud you for tackling it and pulling it off so well. I did notice a lot of grammar mistakes, and at one point Jason's last name switched from "Broski" to "Cunningham" (which is correct?) but I barely noticed those because I was absorbed in the story. It really is an amazing piece, I'm so glad I found it browsing. Only thing is... you never mention a physical description of Jason himself. Jake and Michael I can envision, but not Jason... maybe add even a short hair and eye color mention in there somewhere? I dunno.But anyways, again, this story is amazing. It really is. PICKED
wrote 40 days ago
I am craving more of this story!!! Just thought I should inform everyone...
wrote 41 days ago
So amazing! You have a way with words. I love the style you wrote it in, the longing, and the thoughts, it is so wonderfully depressing. You need just a few edits, small typos here and there, but everything else is fabulous! Jason's voice is so strong, and longing, and your description makes it seem real, freaky real, in a great way! Definatly a pick! Job well done :)
wrote 44 days ago
Whoa. So, I've had this story on my picks for a while now, right? Every now and then, I'd click this story to see if you had updated it. Every time for the past month or months, I've been a little disappointed every time I found out it hadn't been updated, and was starting to wonder if I should take it off my picks.Well, I read the updated chapters. And you know what? Totally reminded me why I've had this story on my picks for so long. I absolutely love this story. Keep up the good work :) I don't mind waiting when it comes to a story this great.
WHOA! I've only read three chapters nd im already hooked to the story. I can trully say that this is one of the best books that I have read on this website so far! Your very talented nd I can't wait to read more!
wrote 45 days ago
Chapter Seven: The last scene in the chapter, between Jake and Jason, seemed believable to me. But I'm having trouble with the Michael character and the way he and Jason talk to each other. They just don't sound like two teeanage boys. The parts that didn't seem real to me were: 1) "you won't let me in will you?" and Jason's response to that, 2) "Trust me Jason", 3) Michael touching Jason and 4) Jason suddenly feeling peaceful at the end. I think two boys would have been very indirect, maybe talked about something else altogether. They could have had a conversation on a totallydifferent subject, but one that Jason found comforting, because of its normalcy. I'd like to see the mother assuring Jason that he can stay there, and also fear on her and Jason's part bc after all, Crazy Dad is right next door. (But you may have this coming shortly.) Also, the note passing scene in class --- didn't buy it. Again, Michael is too direct, too toucy feely to be a "real boy" -- at least for me. And discussing a subject as sensitive and personal as that by passing notes? I didn't believe it.Obviously, you will or won't make changes as you see fit. But ideas that come up for me are: more from the mother at this point, less direct forms of support from Michael (guys just don't "talk about it," at least not that soon, Jason being very slow to trust Michael. Also, I wondered why you made Michael a boy. Is it important for him to be a boy? Or could that character be a girl? Somehow I see more conversation happening between Jason and a girl. Any way, just thoughts..Finally, in the first paragraph you go back and forth between present and past tense --- I think you should have all past tense, right?By the way, I am going to pick you... maybe tomorrow or the next day when spots open up. Cheers!
Chapter Three: Omg I can't believe what Jake just tried to do to Jason. That was horrible. I feel totally terrible for him, he's going through far to much suffering for one person to handle. Again your writing, story line and characters are all fab. Can't get enough of this.
The edit on Chapter 4 was really good! It made the story more believable, I liked it :)
August 29th ~ OMG, what a shit the dad is, I can't believe how terrible that beating was. That first para was totally heartbreaking. Only noticed one wee typo, not really important but here it is. ~Held (be) down against the wall.August 30th ~ I feel so sad for Jason, you really make the reader feel terrible for him, which is brilliant. You can really form characters can't you? It's so emotional, it's an unbelievably heartwrenching book. Like nothing I've ever read before. You can feel his despair tugging at your heartstrings in this bit too, you have done a bloody brilliant job there.August 30th 7.13am ~ Ohhhhh, I'm so loving it now that Micheal is in this too. Can't wait to find out how he could maybe help Jason. I was glued to the screen when the teacher asked him how he got that bruise on his eye. There isn't a boring minute in this so far it's really gripping and easy to read. How is this not in the top five yet?
WRITE MORE!!! WRITE MORE!!! I KNOW U ALREADY WROTE MORE BUT WRITE EVEN MORE!!! THANK U FOR WRITING MORE!!!! NOW WRITE MORE!!!!
Finished Chapter Six-- this is really good. I'm not commenting a lot because it's flowing well, believable overall, and clear. Jason's motives and feelings are all out there and make emotional sense. Same with Jake. The one moment I wasn't sure about was Dad taking Jason to the hospital. But then I decided I believed it-- for a brief moment, he saw what he was doing and had remorse-- it didn't last long, unfortunately.
wrote 47 days ago
The only words I can honestly muster right now for you are ~ holy wow. I'm so glad I agreed to do this read the whole thing with you. Only read the first chapter but plan to leave comments on all of them as I go. First off my grammer isn't good so I'll mostly go on what I liked as a read. And by bloody god did I like this chapter, but at the same time I don't because I don't like what Jake is doing to him ~ Making him take drugs. the first part in the alley you can really feel the anxity pouring out of Jason. Is really well writing, the dialogue feels real not forced which is a art in writing to be able to get that right. Kudos!The bit with the injecting, it's so vivid, so real, that it makes me cringe. Fantastic start and as I said I'm so glad I agreed to swap with you for a full read. I really can't wait to find out more and Jason, I can tell his troubled life is going to make me totally heartbroken for him. ;)
This story is extremely painful. I was waiting for the happiness at the end or even just a start to recovorey. This is increidbly sad with such a strong voice that I could acctually feel ever ounce of pain that Jason feels. My head is pounding with his pain. I don't think I've read anything like this on this website. It's incredible. It'l be on my picks soon, just gotta wait 24 hours...very good and should be ranked higher than it is.
From the very beginning, the narrator seems very disconnected from his surroundings. We see things through his eyes, but he's never really active in his surroundings. I don't know yet if this is intentional or not, but it is a little bit distracting.For instance, "a sixteen-year-old-boy" rather than "at sixteen, I" or something more personal. The former sounds more like a third person narrative than first person. Further, "the cigarette was taken out from," rather than "he took the cigarette from his teeth." In the first chapter, the only instance where I feel he's present in the moment is when he and Jake are slamming.One of the ways that you can avoid this is to eliminate some of the passive sentences that you've got. Statements in which the character "was feeling" "was doing" can be changed to more active, in-the-moment sentence. Felt. Did, etc. But be careful about how often you do that. A bit of disconnect from his abusive father (A fist, a slap, a kick) is a really great tactic to use. We get to know that the narrator is "used to" this by now, and that he cannot stop it."Who does this to him? I will never tell you." Right here is where the reader should (if they aren't already) ask some very important, pertinent questions. The three biggest ones here: when did it start, why does it happen, and why doesn't it stop? The reader needs sufficient answers to these questions, otherwise a signifcant amount of suspension of belief happens. Mostly, we need to know why he, the victim, won't say anything."I looked at Michael and noticed that he was staring at me, so I decided to turn away from him. How awkward." --> I liked this sentence. "Thought she drank, his mother was OCD about cleaning." --> Okay, NO. NO NO NO NO. People are not "ocd" about something. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a psychological condition. She either has obsessive-compulsive disorder, or she is obsessive about cleaning. You cannot be "ocd" about something. The scenes between Jake and the narrator make me really curious. They don't seem like they're really close friends, and it feels like Jake has a certain amount of disdain for his friend--forcing him to get high, then assaulting the narrator in the basement. But it's more than that, Jake doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for the narrator, or what he's going through. I like that he doesn't want to tell Michael what happens, but in a way, he's sort of admitted it by saying "It's not something I like to tell people." I really like the imbalance there. Now, about Jake raping Jason. It's implied that Jake is a long-term heroin abuser. If this is the case, the chances that he's going to rape someone, or even have the sexual drive to rape someone while he's on heroin, is absolutely slim. With the way that heroin works, Jake would have to pretty much be Hercules in order for him to not only be aroused, sustain an erection, but also hold down Jason. What would be more believable is if Jake were to perform oral sex on Jason.The scene in the hospital is a little suspicious as well. Hospital staff are well-trained in talking to kids and teenagers about the possibilities of being abused by their parents. Not to mention, I get the feeling that he's been hurt on more than one occasion, and if he's been at the hospital with his father for injuries before, there would be records. Not only that, but someone is bound to notice something like that after a while -- especially given the kind of town that you mention these characters live in. And now, in the hospital, we still don't know why the narrator doesn't tell anyone that his father is abusing him. Here, he has the perfect opportunity to, but he doesn't do it. Why? We need to know why. Michael's mother knows Jason's father as "the crazy man?" Oh, I like that. Someone finally knows that something is up. The mother is so sweet and nice here, and she's got me hopes up that someone can finally do something to help poor Jason.A 'you're welcome' from [me] to them,Ahh! Poor Jason, in the locker room. Another chance for someone to do something for him, but for some reason, the school administration does nothing. This is getting a little difficult for me to believe, especially after the gym teacher sees his body, and likely hears how he is freaking out. So, how many people so far have presumably just shrugged off the fact that they know this kid is being abused by his father? His "best friend," presumably his best friend's mother, Michael, Michael's mother, the gym teacher, the nurses, someone at the administration most likely, doctors, nurses... at some point, I feel like there needs to be a formal interrogation of Jason's father. Oh no! is he going to hurt Michael now?! "A gash was scrapped into the skin on my cheek and I felt it bleed, a warm liquid pooling up against the ground." --> With a sentence like this, I feel like my prior mention of the active voice needs to be employed. Also, I feel like at this point, Jason knows the "warm liquid" is his own blood. "And it was all heated and delicious." --> So we have chapters and chapters of this poor kid being abused by the world in general, but this completely breaks my heart. Really perfect detail, right here. it fits you better than all that [moping]fake lives, soap opera[s], cartoons.But not enough time had [passed] to get ridstraying back to my need of [heroin] and how much I craved it.She let the door [slide] open and sheI was a [wrecked] trainIn the later chapters specifically, you jump from tense to tense frequently. Is this story past or present tense? Because you jump from "My hands gripped at my shirt and squeezed the life out of it," to "I break off a piece and eat it." There's also a specific sentence structure that you have the tendency to overuse in this. Blanking, I blanked. Often, some of the actions don't really make sense, or they seem repetitive. For example: "Eating a big bite of the ice cream, I chewed the banana." It's a bit repetitive. In his second hospital visit of the story, I'm confused. You say "they aren't stupid," but they don't look through his files, they don't question anyone. They can do that, and they do that, especially in cases where it's obvious the patient has been abused--and judging by what Jason says he looks like, he has obviously been abused. What's up with the hospital staff? Earlier in the story, Jason mentions that he gets enough molestation at home. But in the way he talks about his father's demand for "payment," it sounds like it has not happened before; like he's surprised that his father would ask that of him. One of these instances needs to be clarified.At the end of the story so far, I'm a little unsatisfied. We do not get any kind of glimpse into why he keeps returning to his father, just for his father to abuse him like this. We also don't get to find out when it started, or why. We need to know these things, otherwise it becomes very hard to sympathize and understand the situation. Especially when so many people in positions to help have done nothing for him.The relationship between Michael and Jason stabs at the heart of the story--this boy cannot trust people, but there's someone that he thinks he wants to be able to trust. I'd like to like some more about Michael. It's suggested that he cuts himself, or something else, but we haven't had that expressed to us so far. This story has a lot of potential, but I feel like you're keeping the reader at a distance, and I don't quite understand why. Let the reader in, let the reader into the action, into Jason's mind.
Finished Chapter Four. I am really hating Jake now and desperate for Jason to dump him. I understand why he doesn't, though. Sad to say, Jake's the best thing he's got. I feel terrible for the insecurity of Jason't life. As bad as it was before, he at least had a home, and now he and his dad may lose their house. Your story and dialogue are so far very believable and authentic-sounding. One small thing: you use the word "smirk" a lot and should probably go back through and systematically remove the majority of the "smirks" you find.
Hi, I'm in the middle of Chapter three and am stopping out to comment. I really like and feel for Jason, although it's making me crazy that he is so easily influenced by Jake. He has just shot up heroin with Jake for the second time, and I want to scream at him DON'T DO IT! But I can see their friendship -- two really screwed up kids, and of course Jake wants company in his drug taking, so he pressures Jason to do it with him. I only saw one small thing that bothered me: when Jason said, "was I really that timid?" I didn't buy that a teenage guy would say that. He might say,"Was I really such a wimp?" But I don't think he'd use the word timid.More later --- this is good!
Wow. This is actually really good. I was only planning on reading chapter one, but I've already read to chapter 5, and probably will continue going. There is always something going on, which keeps the reader wanting to go on. It's really amazing. And like any other story, of course there are going to be a few mistakes, but in itself, it is perfect. :) Definitely going on my pick's.
Amazing. I read the whole thing. I know we said you would read as much as I did, but I definitely don't expect you to read my whole story since it's double the word count as yours! haha.Now for the story. I was planning on reading a bit, but I was dying to see what happened. The way you portray Jason's utter desperation in his situation is brings tears to my eyes, and his constant returning to his father is frustrating (but in a good way literature wise). Only corrections would be that you have a few spelling errors here and there, and I think you could make this book SO much longer, with more of a story arc, which is lacks a bit of now. There is a definite problem, but you didn't really solve it. I'd love to know more about Jason, Jake, and Jason's dad especially--is he ever sober? When he is does he regret hurting his son? Was his drinking brought on by his wife leaving him? Does he have a job? There's a lot you could expand on.This book was engaging and gripping and I would love love love to know if you'll continue making it bigger! Amazing work.
What kind of a cliffhanger is that? >:( Just kidding I can't wait to read more. Chapters 12 and 13 were amazing and made my eyes water. Every paragraph has so much emotion I feel like I am Jason. The only typo was in chapter 12 when you put "Is I normal for guys to change into the clothes they want to buy...?"
wrote 49 days ago
Aww... There's no more... The last chapter was really good with so much emotion! You spelled 10:30 AM wrong though, you put !0:30
wrote 53 days ago
this book was on my picks before I was deleated. (this is the only one of my picks i came back for) please finish it, This book is epic!
wrote 54 days ago
Chronological Abuse by UntitledMessCh. 1:FYI - while the first sentences catches one by the throat, agents say beginning a story with dialogue is an absolute no-no, as the reader isn’t grounded in place/time/character. This is so powerful, be careful when it comes to echo words (eye/eye, face/face, smoke/smoke/smoke)Oh, this is gut wrenching, heartbreaking, and depressing in a powerful and necessary way. arents should be forced to read it.Ch. 2:[awkward] A slap shattered me out of the [strange depression effects] I was feeling[delete word] Hot tears stung [at] my eyesAnother MC I want to adopt. If only children didn’t pay for the sins of their parents and ancestors. [change ‘in the night’ for ‘at night‘ or ‘late in the evening‘] I saw it was late [in the night][add comma] the first day of school[,] too.[....] -> [. . .]Unfortunately, I had this student in my class so many times, it wouldn’t matter if he were green, purple, or pink, as the aftermath of abuse is universal, as is this book’s message.[add comma] A shiver shook my body at the thought of being tortured by my dad[,] again[,] but[word changed] ‘psychologically [impaired]’[add word] the jittery feeling I got every time I took [a] pain killer[better word choice] and [spacing out past] Mr. Harvey’s head.[add comma] I knew he was about to stop me[,] but I walked out[delete words] Someone tapped my shoulder and I looked [at them].[add comma] Normally[,] I felt like a small kid[awkward sentence, but great meaning] He had an as embarrassed personality as I did when I was around brutally tough looking strangers.[awkward phrase] I extended a hand and he shook it, [a shiver to his hand alerting me to just how nervous he was].This gripped me from the first sentence. Raw, emotional, gritty, tough, poignant, sickening, too true, and definitely a story our world must hear again, and again, before it’s too late. There are so many fine young people, like this MC, that don’t understand the phase, as painful as it is, is temporary. They choice to use drugs can destroy a life not yet lived. This is gut wrenching, real, and all too true. It is a good story that requires a little polish to make it a great story, well told. You have the talent and the natural style that lends itself to making this a story of enlightenment, a story of triumph, a story of quiet heroism, should that be the path it takes. The voice is authentic. Remarkable. Please, polish these prose until publishers are crashing through your door to get the rights to print. I hope your MC finds his way through this horror, and then discovers other alternatives to the abuse that’s inflicted upon him. I hope it offers hope, redemption, and life altering changes that inspire other young people away from feelings of entrapment, powerlessness, and victim hood. This is a beautiful story. My hat’s off to you and your noble decision to share a masculine story offering unusual empathy.
wrote 63 days ago
wow.It takes an extremely skillful writer to pull of this kind of story without it ending up fake or overdone. You pulled the reader in, made me feel just like Jason, like I was connected with him. i felt just the way he did, like a panicked bird trapped inside a too-small cage.Critisism: several spelling/grammar mistakes. You used "um" and "uh" a whole lot. too much, actually. Even though the character might be saying that, sometimes just "..." works. Haha, we can connect the dots and draw a conclusion ^.^very well done.Picked :]Best of luck,~EmmaThe Listening Stones
Wow.It takes a certain skill to pull something this emotional, this tragic, this defining, off. If an author did not have the talent to write this, it would be stale, fake, cheesy. This was so far away from that.I connected with Jason immediately, almost against my will. I felt the way he did, like a panicked bird thrashing inside a too-small cage, shrieking to get out. I felt myself angry at everyone who was too oblivious or stupid to try to help him, and i felt an attachment to Michael. this was, in a word, superb. Anyways, I do have a few critiques. I spotted prominent grammar and spelling errors, though i overlooked them generally enough because i wanted to get on with the amazing story. Also, in the dialogue, the characters say "um" or "uh" far too often. They may in fact be saying that, but if you leave a "..." at the end or something, we can connect the dots and conclude that. It makes the characters seem stupid, especially Michael. Other than that, definitely on my Picks asap!Best of luck,~Emmaps: swap???
wrote 69 days ago
PLEASE MAKE MORE OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM BEGGING YOU AND HAVE BEEN WAITING FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UPDATE IT PLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUH LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wrote 81 days ago
wow. just wow. i was completly hooked after just reading the summery. i love your writing. i didnt get through the whole book but i wil. its going to my top picks. i love it!!!!
wrote 86 days ago
A while ago, you asked if i would like to swap, so here i am:)Wicked book, i read the first FIVE chapters in one day, and tell everyone i know to read it (i even tell my friends at school to get an inkpop just to read it)I don't have much tiem to write a proper comment, so here are the overall things i liked and wish you would changeEuphoria- you over use the word. other words to describe the high would make the story better over-allThe Beatings- same thing, you describe it the same way every timeJakes a real ass- i love it... people are just like this when their high: a little crazy, doing stupid thingsJason acts different when high than Jake: i like it, makes them seem more realIn your Pitch- the time of the rape is wrong. i don't know if that was on purpose or not... Also, in your pitch, i thought the MC was a girl, i think the new-guy-at-school thing kinda threw me offBUT i thought that overall it was great, and i was very happy to read it. It'll be on my picks soon for sure!~Emma~
wrote 89 days ago
oh, and in response to that earlier comment, that totally is Alex Evans!!!! That guy is the bomb! Isn't he just gorgeous?
Chapter One - Why can't I start of smoking it ... Why can't I start (off) smoking it...Chapter Two - Each step hurt wose then the last Each step hurt worse (than) the last - the word 'then' describes a series of evens while 'than' is when you're comparing two things. It's bigger than this Jill walked over then sat down. - I think you already know this and just made a typo but hey *shrugs* if you didn't then you've learned something knew :D - I just got to the part where he's starting school and I already think Jake's an ass. Wtf? Honestly, this kid gets beat up and he wants to go out? Asshole. He obviously didn't gel it He obviously didn't (get) it. I looked away from him as he scowled at me and let me go, fixing up the long sleeve shirt I was wearing. I'm not sure if this is grammatically wrong, but it is a little confusing. It took forever for me to get that Jason was fixing his shirt, not Jake. Matbe something like, 'I looked away, fixing the long sleeve shirt I was wearing as he scowled and let go of me.' Jake said and slapped my back again. The flow's a little off, maybe, 'Jake said, slapping my back", or a better choice, 'Jake said (as) he slapped my back.' Michael seems cute, a little overly shy - which kind of works for his character as I'm seeing it - but sweet. Also, I'm enjoying the somewhat short chapters, makes them a little easier to read and comment on - good job, really, if I didn't like it I wouldn't me taking the time to comment like this. Chapter ThreeI looked at Jake at his words Really stiff, maybe revising. You could just simply say, I looked at Jake, I turned to him, His words surprised me, blah, blah, blah... It was the first thing I noticed, too, when I talked to him the 'too' just kind of breaks the whole sentence apart. 'It was the first thing I noticed when I talked to him too.' - Timid? What kind of teenager says 'timid'? Maybe it's in Jason's character, but is sure isn't in Jake's. With someone who had the problems as I did With someone who had the (same) problem I did. With this being first person,Jason's voice is a little odd. He talks as if he's thirty-five rather than an abused teen. It fits with his character so far though, so it's not too big a problem :D - What does Jake looke like? You haven't really described it yet have you? Other than his grey eyes? And for that matter, what does Jason look like? Other than his long-ish hair? - inferred from the fact that his dad was able to grab his hair. He never kept his needles sterilized - didn't you mention in the first chapter that the needle was sterilized? Don't do anything stupid - heh, like Jason has any freakin' control. Well, I decided to take a walk after you passed out - what the fuck? This Jake kid's really pissing me off. - so I was forced to know you out. It was weird. - Dude? Even though I don't like him, he making me laugh pretty hard. I am bi. - Yhey're best friends but Jason didn't know this? What? How could he not know when Jake seems so open about it. I get that he's high right now, but still. PS. - I really like this dash button ----------- lols XD . . . Freak *false ghost impression* - really great job . . . and I still really like this dash ---------Anyway, this is all I have time to read right now. Great job, this is definitely going on my pick list :D
wrote 92 days ago
One of the great reads that I stumble across on here every once in a while. It gripped onto me like heroin to an addict...sorry couldn't resist;) I love your MC Jason he is very real dealing with some serious issues. I read all the way through ch 2. I had to stop but my mind wanted to read more;) Well done I will be back;) ttys Leah Oh and you've been picked;)
wrote 97 days ago
is the guy on the cover Alex Evans, the model from Canada?? I can't tell, but it kinda looks like him. Anyways, do you want to swap? Read my story "The Holes In My Heart" and I will finish this. Lol, I already started it, it sounded good! Well, please and thank you(:-E.P.S.
wrote 98 days ago
seriously, this is Amazing, i could not have possibly loved it more!!!
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