Hayy_Jayy_223

wrote 37 days ago

Wow. You have totally got me hooked. Could you tell me when there is more? if there is more, i mean.. ^_^

-Hayy

Bethy

wrote 48 days ago

I love this book! From the moment Ana told Danny she liked him and he rejected her, I was hooked. I really love how you tell the story, its unique. I hope beyond hope that Ana gets together with Jake, they seem good together. Danny seems nice and all, but the reasons she likes him(his smile and presence) and the way he acts is not very good. Jake on the other hand, she loves how he understands her, thats a good reason, and I'm angry at Jake for abandoning her after saying he loved her. This is a GREAT book!

Anne Pf

wrote 57 days ago

Hi,
From your pitch, this sounds like an interesting story that will hook readers in -- everyone loves a good love triangle! But to make your story as strong, readable, and compelling as it can be, I'd suggest that you simplify your language and sentence structure and start really thinking through each choice you make as you write. For example, let's look at the prologue.

First paragraph:
"a question that needed an immutable answer" -- a lot of people don't know what immutable means, and they're not going to look it up either!

"end up in this amorous position" -- I know what you mean, but this wording has a sexual innuendo to it that you clearly don't intend. Better use simpler language and be as clear as possible.

In this first paragraph, I think you're saying. I looked down into the eyes of this person I truly loved, who knelt before me. He had pledged to love me forever and was asking me to do the same. After all we'd been through, who would have known we'd end up here today?

You can write this better, your own way, but my point is just: don't try to be fancy. Keep it simple and be really clear in your own mind what you want to say.

Continuing into Ch 1:

"my whole body stopped without consent" -- I do not know what this means. Was she compelled to stop against her will? By what? A supernatural force? Or do you mean she didn't really want to stop, but found herself doing it anyway? And why do you say her "whole" body? By definition, wouldn't it have to be her whole body that stopped?

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you, because what I'm really trying to do is illustrate the level of detail that's involved with being a really good writer. Every word matters. Every word has to be correctly chosen and used.

"He glistened in the morning sun" -- people don't glisten (unless they're super-sweaty or Edward Cullen). Think hard about what you're really trying to say here, and choose the simplest, most direct language you know to say it.

Again, you have a good story and I have faith that you can tell it well. Good luck with it! Anne

writingchick2009

wrote 59 days ago

wow this took me two days to read it and guess what, i'm in love with this story. it's cute, it's funny, it's sweet, and so far Ana and Jake are my favorite. not that i didn't like Danny, i do like him, but Jake seems like a romantic guy and he's SOOOO sweet to Ana. Ana is so stupid to fall in love with Danny because Jake loves her, but THAT'S just my opinion. okay, okay, okay, let me review over what i read, shall we? :):
Chapter 1 --- Cute. Great writing. I like how she meets Danny then Jake but she doesn't know who he is, well his name. It left me hanging, therefor making me hooked on this book. Great job!!!
Chapter 2 --- Also cute. That's where Sam came into the picture. I liked her but when Ana's describing her and how much she talks, I would hate that also but Sam seems cool, in her own special way. It made me sad when Ana was eating by herself at lunch because stupid Danny didn't show up. I didn't like him after that.
Chapter 3 --- Oh my gosh, I pictured Ana singing Amazing Grace in this chapter. That's where Jake showed up. I liked it how he was blunt and said he liked her singing. So cute!!! I thought this chapter was sweet and funny in it's own way. It wasn't like "HAHA" bad funny like making fun of it but "HAHA" that's cute :D. So far, this was my favorite chapter.
Chapter 4 --- The fight was amazing. I pictured it like it was a movie although I hated how Alice was cutting her hair, what was the point of that, if you don't mind me asking. But it was good. Good detailed and I loved how Sam and Ana are friends, like best friends, all because Sam stopped Alice (that little witch if you ask me).
Chapter 5 --- Danny was actually sweet in this chapter, helping out Ana and all that. He actually seemed concerned then self centered for once. I like how Ana puts him as her sun. Little weird but it made sense after awhile. Every girl's first love, I guess you can say that, seemed like the sun because they were the center of their lives. Anywho back to the book, it was a sweet chapter for Danny but I was waiting for Jake to pop up. But it made me read more and i found out that Danny and Jake hate each other....OH!!! Intense stuff right there. But it was great :)
Chapter 6 --- It made me sad when I found out about her dad's disorder. I mean I was onto to it in the 5th chapter but once she described it, it made me sad. WOO HOO Jake is finally in the this chapter. I was like, "Yes, he's back!". Haha. I liked how Ana just asked what was up between him (Jake) and Danny. The end was the cutest thing ever! He promised that he will be there when she needed it. AW! I wished I had a Jake in my life. Haha :) (favorite chapter so far)
Chapter 7 --- Oh this is where they go to the festival, well Danny and Ana. It was cute for awhile and I started to like Danny then once she said that she liked him to him, I knew it would go all down hill (because I have a tendacy to do that). I was shocked at the beginning and read more to see if he liked her back. Nope...made me so sad! Reading her get crushed and be crushed. I was like, "NO!" But it happens alot. Not my favorite chapter ever but it made me want to read more.
Chapter 8 --- I thought it was going to get ugly between Ana and her mom once she walked home (stupid Danny :[). But it was pretty good. The fight wasn't too ugly as I thought it would be but all in all, great fight between mother and daughter. I liked how she was trying to get tears but never could. Made me chuckle a little. Again, I need a Jake in my life. I liked how he let her, well tried, cry on him and telling him that he's right there for her. It was SO cute! Made me smile :). Again, I love Jake :)
Chapter 9 --- YES! I loved how Ana was like all beast mode on Danny, yelling at him and crap. It was amazing! I wish I could of done that! Gosh, it made me so happy when I read when she yelled at him. He deserved it! Him being all happy and crap and not caring that Ana was hurt/hurting. Then Jake came in. He defended her and I was like "AWWW!" Again, I need a Jake :). I loved it. Jake was fighting for her and stopped for HER because she asked them to stop. He is so sweet!
Chapter 10 --- Oh my gosh. This chapter...this chapter...this chapter WOWed me sooo much! I liked how Jake wants to tell Ana his secret but he wants to get to know her first. So cute!!!! I liked how she asked him who he liked and I was like "He likes you dumby!" But of course, I can't say that because it might ruin the story :). YES my favorite part that I love to death, that made me smile, that left me wanting more, is when Jake says that he loves her. I was like "No way! I knew he liked her but not like that!" AH! But I was so sad because he was going away for three months but at least he told her :). So cute!
Chapter 11 (almost done :) --- Gosh, I was so mad when Ana let that dumby ask her out on a date then end up leaving her! I was so pissed, I wanted to strangle him to death! I hated Danny from the beginning but he is just being, excuse my language, a dumbass! Just gosh, I hated him!
Chapter 12 (done!:) --- I was like "Yes, you go girl! Be rude to him because he was rude to you!" But in the end, she ends up being his girlfriend. I was like "Jake, come back! She needs you!" Just gosh, I was mad that ended up being Danny's girlfriend....
is there more? Haha I need more. I need to know what happens!
All in all, amazing book! I really didn't spot any confusing sentences or grammatical errors. Wait, I did. But one. In Ana's fight with Danny, you said "When he were holding hands" I think you meant we. But that's okay. One little thing to fix. All in all, I loved this book and it's going on my picks list! Keep me updated on it, I want to read more :)
KEEP UP THE AMAZING, GOOD, AWESOME WORK! :D

writingchick2009 :)

RedWriter

wrote 66 days ago

LOVED IT!!
like really I did,
i got confused at some parts but it wasn't too confusing
you had beautiful sentence structures and I freaking hate Danny, no offense
I hope Jake comes back because like, well i think he's perfect.
Imperfect people are always the perfect ones
tell me when u post more!

sammy_ash

wrote 82 days ago

Hey, sorry I'm just now getting to reading this! I read through the first chapter and theres only a few things I had to make notes on. =)
1) I LOVE the opening. Its almost suspenseful, which in my opinion is a great way to start a book.
2) "As I rushed into the SCHOOL, being late, I wondered what it could be...as the SCHOOL came into view...My blue eyes stared at the huge SCHOOL..." You use the word "school" three times in just a few sentences. I would swap at least the middle one out, and make it "building" or something similar. That way the word isn't so repetitive. =)
3) "His shoulder blades were moving delicately and I envied my books for a slight moment. (aww=)

The only thing I really noticed is that you write with an almost..."poetic" hint. It seems like you use a lot of bigger words and quite a few metaphorical phrases. It might just be your style or it might just be me, but it almost seems like a really long poem. (But like I said, maybe its just me=) Other than that, nice work!

Midnighter_3.1

wrote 87 days ago

Wtf?? i need more...
This is a really good story.
the only thing is when you wrote "dind't not"
Chapter 1 : WOW..totaly cool.
Chapter 9: OMG this is my favorite one
But you have to update more you can't leave me like this. I think Danny is a jerk and i can't belive that when Ana told him that she was in love with him he just say that he wasen't. JUST LIKE THAT :'(How a JERK
You hooked me. Nice piece of work.
♥

galapagos

wrote 100 days ago

galapagos

wrote 100 days ago

gogogrl

wrote 103 days ago

Returning our swap:

I like this story because it's fast pased and easy to read. I also like how she's caught in between two great guys and doesn't know which to choose. The broding/lonely one or the friendly/out going one, it reminds me so much of myself. Great with making me feel like I'm apart of the story.

Jan

StaceysJustFab

wrote 109 days ago

I let my friend read this on her lunch break and she wanted me to comment on how life-like the mean-girl areas of this story are. She said at one time or another we all (well girls- I'm sure guys go like that too) can relate to feeling like we are on the side of the attacks- and it usually has to do with jealousy/competition over a guy.

Still can't wait for more (x2)

kendra30752

wrote 111 days ago

your writing is very, very good! The thing is I kinda got a little questiony with alot here. Like "Huh" he said looking back up at hte sky. "I expected something more." The bell rang, breaking right through us and he got up. His eyes watched me as he walked away and I gazed him, getting up as well. I still wondered why he had said something so cruel.

Ok, so I did not understand what he said that was so cruel.

anyway, overall I really do enjoy your writing. It's very mature but I also havent had time to read much more. Great job keep up the good work

Nix Blaque

wrote 114 days ago

Okay, if I sound overly critical in this review, I don’t mean it! I actually think that you have yourself not only a very impressive story line here, but also a very impressive story -- and that’s something to be proud of! On the other hand, you have stated that this is only your first draft, and you wish to know how to improve, so I wouldn’t be a very good reviewer if I didn’t share what I thought, now, would I?

Okay, so I really enjoyed the first chapter, and there’s only a few things that I would recommend reviewing (other than general editing, of course). The first thing that struck me is that it kind of annoys me when people write that your everyday human knows that something bad is going to happen. Ana could have an inkling that it wasn’t going to be a good day, because it’s her first day at school and she sees herself as kind of an outcast, but she wouldn’t know that something in particular was going to happen-- you know what I mean? Not many people walk to school thinking “Something bad is going to happen today.”

Another thing was that you have Ana falling over twice in the first chapter. Generally speaking, people aren’t likely to fall over twice in such as short space of time, and whilst I understand that it does kind of fit in this setting, it seemed unrealistic to me. But that might just be me, so I wouldn’t hold me to that one. It also seemed a little strange that she develops such strong feelings for the two boys in such a short space of time. It may be beneficial for the reader to bear witness to a couple of chapters, or even just one per boy, where they get to know each other a little better before Ana begins to talk about crushes and love.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t generally crush on people that I’ve only known five minutes. I might make an off-hand comment about them being hot, but that would probably be about the extent of it for a couple of days at least. I also understand that the a huge part of the storyline revolves around the three of them, but -- to me, at least -- it feels a little forced with her liking them almost instantly.

Another thing is a couple of grammar mistakes in the second chapter, that I fixed up for you here:

“Over the weekend, I had went to the supermarket.” [first line] should either be…
“Over the weekend, I went to the supermarket.” With “had” and “went” both being a form of verb, the sentence fails to make sense in the form of correct English.

Secondly,

“When I had entered the store, in front of me laid a pile of gorgeous, red apples, waiting to be eaten.” [Second line.] Should be something along the lines of….

“The first think that I saw inside the store was a pile of gorgeous, red apples -- just waiting to be eaten.” This works better because it’s more fluent, although still past tense. It also cuts down a little on the use of commas, which is never a bad thing -- in fact, it gives a fairly sophisticated feel over all.

Thirdly, there should be no comma between “there” and “proudly” in the third sentence.

Next, there should be a comma in between “gullible” and “dense”, this breaks the sentence down for the reader, and makes it a little bit more digestible.

Lastly, the part that goes “and thus, believing that those were very delicious apples.” Cuts of after the word apples, leaving behind an unfinished statement.

They’re all easy mistakes to make, but I believe that when fixed, they will make a noticeable difference to the quality of the story-- and therefore increase it’s rating even further.

Like I said, sorry if this seems harsh, I’m just trying to be helpful! Also, sorry for making you wait so long, but I hope the sheer length and detail of this review alone will make up for that. If you still feel that you deserve more, let me know and I’ll get back to you.

Happy writing,

Nixxie.

Upperworld06

wrote 115 days ago

I'm really liking this so far, but i can't finish it now. Adding to picks, I'll be back later to read more.
-Bri

Upperworld06

wrote 115 days ago

man, i remember my first day of highschool, i was freaking out because the school's so much bigger than the junior high. I ended up going to the wrong class like 3 times the first week lol. I didn't find any errors in chapter 1, on to 2
-Bri

StaceysJustFab

wrote 115 days ago

If your goal was to keep people hanging on the edge of their seats I believe you have achieved that. This is one story that, of course, it appears I have a 50/50 chance of predicting who she ends up, but even then I am stumped.

I'd like to see a little more depth. You have a great mystery aspect going on but sometimes too much mystery comes across in the form of not understanding the characters or the scenario. I find myself floundering a little when it comes to Ana and Danny. I obviously have no clue what is up with Jake, but I feel I know what is going on with his character a little bit more. Ana and Danny seem a little wishy washy. It isn't a bad thing, just perhaps a little more insight or detail into their minds might be helpful.

Can't wait to read more. You should sneak me in another chapter again. I'm getting restless ;-)

galapagos

wrote 116 days ago

I liked chapter 12 it was very good but chapter 11 needs work on the dialogue... good job though :)

thewanderingsagittarius

wrote 116 days ago

The switch in the prologue is incredibly abrupt. I'd like to see some more introspection from her about love in general, and some less flowery descriptions about what he means to her. Flowery is all well and good, but the prologue needs something more attention grabbing and concrete. Something more substantial.

Lots of I usage - be aware of that, as it really stands out in all the paragraphs. That can be fixed with some sentence structure alteration and tightening - taking out superfluous words in the sentences. That will give better flow and more snap.

I'm not going to lie - I am incredibly confused. She sees a guy, she falls on her face, she gets helped - you're going for the new school vibe but it's sorely lacking. I get a sense that this is just another day for her, not that she's the new kid on the block, not that this is particularly scary and worrisome.

I apologize, but I was so confused and disinterested that I actually stopped reading. The main character is lacking depth, is having what appears to be unfounded anxiety/panic attacks, and the progression of the story needs a little work. I usage comes back into play here, because it makes it difficult to read and the story loses flow.

One last note - and take this however you will, completely disregard, whatever you decide to do - restricting your updates to every such and such number of comments could be considered by many on this site as tacky.

I think you have potential here, but I think it needs a bit of work.

Courtney Roberts

wrote 116 days ago

This is a great story. I can feel every emotion. Will go on my pick list. This is simply amazing.
~Courtney

Hala_121

wrote 116 days ago

OMG... now this is a story I do not want to stop reading until I finish it.. But sadly, I have to! :( Time for bed! Great use of big words I dont understang (lol) And I LOVE the whole entire Chapter 1 :D Keep on writing girl! :D <3

And if you would like, Check out my story too pls? :) <3 I picked ur story!

StephanieAnna

wrote 118 days ago

woah,I really cant stop reading this. If you have time, could you critique mine? ((: By the way, your on my picks list!

WingedGhouls

wrote 118 days ago

Love it, adding my comment so the story can update!! Haha
This story really is great and has been on my picks for a while now. :)

redsoxgirl

wrote 119 days ago

still really good. some of the dialogue seems slightly forced in parts, especially when she talks to her mom, but then in other parts it really flows and seems like someone would actually say that. i think it's just trial and error, and probably personal taste. otherwise everything is really good!

ily:)

wrote 119 days ago

Really good! If Danny doesnt believe Ana, then wow!

Emily Nobles

wrote 121 days ago

oh. my. goodness.
This is amazing. Really. :) I was practically glued to the screen, drinking this story in. I literally couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen!
Just some suggestions:
"Without knowing each other's names, he left me wondering." (prologue) this sounds the tiniest bit... awkward.
"When I exitied the changing rooms... envied in the changing room..." (Chapter One) Repetitive. Change the second ' in the changing room' to 'in there'. I think that might help...
Everything else looks great!
Beautiful imagery, emotion, chemistry...
I love love love the symbolism of the apple in Chapter One! It was so... perfect! ;)
Picks, of course.

ily:)

wrote 121 days ago

Well Jake should really come back soon!!! And ugh, dumb Veronica. Great job, i really love what you have so far! & That new rule kinf of sucks but its your story...

Ezmirelda

wrote 121 days ago

Whoa, how could Ana forgive him like that when she knows how wishy washy he is? And where is Jake? I like Jake better can't wait till he comes back.

StaceysJustFab

wrote 122 days ago

I have to tell you the Prologue is really great.
I have read through the whole thing, but only roughly because time is cramped and well, honestly, I couldn't stop reading.
My problem is now that I have read what I have, up to chapter 10, that the prologue means something different to me and that precursor is eating me alive. So, great job with that.
I think you have three very interesting characters so far. Each of them very much in their skin. Jake is almost heart breaking because his soul seems so deep and it makes you want to reach through the text and help him and snuggle up to him. Danny is the guy everyone likes, including the reader, but you can see a facade there that tugs at you as well. And, Ana is Ana- she's an interesting character who makes you want to read into her and figure out how her mind processes what she sees and feels.
You have some very poetic areas of in your story that draw you in and prove its worth of being deeper then your typical love triangle story.
I'm intrigued and plan on going through with a fine toothed comb when time permits. (And really- I need more!!!)

StaceysJustFab

wrote 122 days ago

I have to tell you the Prologue is really great.
I have read through the whole thing, but only roughly because time is cramped and well, honestly, I couldn't stop reading.
My problem is now that I have read what I have, up to chapter 10, that the prologue means something different to me and that precursor is eating me alive. So, great job with that.
I think you have three very interesting characters so far. Each of them very much in their skin. Jake is almost heart breaking because his soul seems so deep and it makes you want to reach through the text and help him and snuggle up to him. Danny is the guy everyone likes, including the reader, but you can see a facade there that tugs at you as well. And, Ana is Ana- she's an interesting character who makes you want to read into her and figure out how her mind processes what she sees and feels.
You have some very poetic areas of in your story that draw you in and prove its worth of being deeper then your typical love triangle story.
I'm intrigued and plan on going through with a fine toothed comb when time permits. (And really- I need more!!!)

redsoxgirl

wrote 122 days ago

this is really good! i don't have too much to say, other than it really draws me in. i like that you didn't use too many cliches, and your descriptions are excellent! keep up the good work, i really want to read more!

C. D. Verhoff

wrote 123 days ago

Your prose are fluid, almost poetic. There are some really good lines here, " . . . the promised juicy apple was actually sour." Seems to foreshadow many things, great job there. My one big nit is the opening paragraph of chapter 2. It needs to pop, but it's not due to it being in the passive voice. Consider making it more active. I took a shot at it, just to show you what I mean. "In front of me laid a pile of enticing red apples. The supermarket clerk held one up in front of my eyes, turning it this way and that, telling me with pride that a sweeter, more delicious apple didn't exist. I believed him without question, because why would the produce guy lie to me? I took it from his hand, intending to make it my lunch at school the next day. Little did I know such a seemingly inconsequential action would have big consequences."

Just a shot at it. I honestly don't know if the apple has big consequences or not (didn't read that far), but since you opened with it in chapter one, it better be something important to the story.

There's a lot of promise here. I like your writing style, but be sure to eliminate the passive voice wherever you can. For starters, keep an eye out for WAS and HAD. They don't always indicate passive, nor is passive always bad, but be aware when you're using it and use it sparingly.

Overall, nice job. Keep up the good work.

bigdreamer1415

wrote 123 days ago

Wow,Wow, Wow! I only read the Prologue and the first chapter but this is pretty good. I like the idea of the love triangle and it kinda reminds me of Bella's decision between Edward and Jacob.

Ezmirelda

wrote 124 days ago

Oh wait, nevermind--I like Jake better. What a cliffhanger--please write more soon!

Ezmirelda

wrote 124 days ago

This is really good! I really like Jake and Danny--can't seem to pick which one I like better. I've been reading non-stop for like an hour and my eyes kinda hurt from looking at the screen so long--but it was all worth it. Excellent writing. Can't wait for your next update. -Ezzy :)

LittleVoices

wrote 124 days ago

Wow, wasn't expecting Danny and Jake to be best friends!

I like how you've begun the story, setting things out, explaining the background of Ana and what sort of character she's like. I'm really liking her. The scene where she sits with Jake was a very smart way for them to first meet each other, I really liked the easy flow and emotion of that scene and how the characters overall interact in these first three chapters.

The only thing I think could be added in is a little more description, everything is flowing really well so far but maybe describe a little more on her surroundings and feelings, etc.

Excited to read more!

vic

wrote 124 days ago

Wow. Okay. So far I've caught one little spelling error. It's in Chapter 5, The Sun.
Where it says "His shoes were black and white with a strip of red at the heal", the "heal" should be "heel".
But I'm liking the story. I'll read some more of it tomorrow.

SummerGirl97

wrote 125 days ago

I love how Jake and Danny are so different yet somehow similar.
I'm really curious of what the secret is.
The end of the last chapter so far is sweet. :) :p

bEEMSi

wrote 126 days ago

I just finished reading the whole bok and i thought that was amazing! It's such a tough love triangle going on between them but it makes me wonder how in the world did Veronica come into the picture and where is Jake going?! I do hope you post more(: Great writting!(:

-bEE

doah12

wrote 126 days ago

wow i feel this was very well written! :)
i love it!!
tell me when you are going to continue!! :)
lol

just one thing is, i feel maybe a little more detail could be used. like not a drastic change but just a bit more. to make it feel like im actually there. you know?
that is just what really pulls me into books is the use of detail.
but i love it!
keep up the good work:)

Kaxzcc Veyndallizme

wrote 126 days ago

i love it!! :DDDDD if only you would continue the story...

ashlutz

wrote 127 days ago

It’s a great story line and you dialogue is great – you have a beautiful way of writing and it’s obvious you are very talented.

picked

Ash
[In the Middle of Nowhere]

R.J.Jacobs

wrote 127 days ago

Prologue Review:
Pro's: I love your emotion. Really, it's done very well. It's a love story, so of course it has to be. :) An introverted walk...xD You have a nice little sense of humor with your MC, and I like it. She's not entirely perfect, but she's pretty good. Also, the mystery of not revealing the character's names yet is very good.
Con's: Frankly, I don't really enjoy the style. It's not bad but...I'm just not as into it as I can be. It's just preference though, so don't take it personally or anything. And I love the feelings and emotions you describe, but sometimes the MC's voice is a little too adult. "To such girls as me" stands out as sounding very un-modern. Don't be afraid to be snarky or more outgoing - the style is nice but it just doesn't sound like a teenage girl. I know I'm not a teenage girl myself, so the advice is shaky, but I hope you get where I'm going.
Verdict: It's interesting, and I love the entire concept and way you're going about your love story, but I don't know if I'm intrigued enough to, say, read it all in one sitting. I get the feeling thought that it would grow on me quite well. :)

andy_rose

wrote 127 days ago

I had a feeling that Jake loved her. I really like this story, Ana's emotional state is very complex and interesting. :D please continue on.

Char Marie Adles

wrote 128 days ago

THIS WAS AWESOME! I'M HOOKED!

keyofheartless

wrote 129 days ago

Mmmm, what I wouldn't give for more profound boys like this in my life... XD
Just finished chapter one. The concept is really nice. It can be boring having a one-to-one relationship every single time. Your style is very discreet. I like that. It has a bit of embellishments but it's not too painfully flowery like some romances. I loved some of your more complex descriptions, like how Danny's shoulder blades moved. That fascinated me. Really, truly.

I'll be getting back to this sometime soon, I'm sure. Oh. And one more thing, while we're on the subject of weirdly similar stories. I have a Danny in my book too... He's not very much like this one personality wise, BUT he looks like him. Sandy hair and green eyes.

Scary, no? :)

it is it

wrote 129 days ago

i really loved it, the words flowed like water and to tell you a little bit the first thing that attracted me was the title because i have a poem that is called the same :) and its about the same, nice work i loved the way you describe the people and the scenary i will make sure to keel reading it

neyke13

wrote 129 days ago

ooh really qood.
very well written. great vocabulary, even for a rough draft.
i love it so far, im addinq it to my watchlist, ill be readinq chapter 2. :}

faerieaerie

wrote 130 days ago

xoticheart

wrote 130 days ago

i really love your book so far!
you're really talented ;]
Sigh. Love triangles. lol love them.
keep up the great work
-leila

LifeIsPrecious

wrote 130 days ago

Iloveeyour storryy!!!
It's greaat :)
I love your writing technique, and once it's edited and everything, this book will be incredible.
It's not finished, Ikno, but keep on goingg :)

P.S (If you can, please read my story Sacred Light Academy, and post a comment. Thanks :))