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Rank 882 (-19)
Word Count
774
Date submitted
10.12.2009
Date Updated
05.03.2010
by jcdavies04
ShortStory: General Fiction, Romance
Elysia. Cassius. Together in a moment with the knowledge that they are doomed to be apart. Logic or desire? What would you choose?
This is actually a scene from my story "One of Us" that is yet to be posted. It will soon though, I promise. I hope this short story entices you enough to want to read more and learn more about the characters. That was the aim. Plus this scene is really special to me. It was the first one I wrote between Elysia and Cassius and I really hope it makes you all connect with them as individuals and a couple. They're both from different paths that are ironically similar, yet their paths of the future are not yet destined to be intwined. Is it within their power to change that? Will they even try?
On 1 Pick Lists
On 9 Watch Lists
53 Comments
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wrote 69 days ago
This is a fantastic teaser!! It was intriguing and interesting. I wanted to know how they got to this point. The only error I saw was the dialogue. This thread should help http://www.inkpop.com/forums/threads/14322/dialogue-getting-it-right-/
wrote 88 days ago
Here for our swap for Chasing Normal :)"Had she fallen asleep there" maybe fallen asleep here instead such she is currently still there. "she must have done" take off the done"a harsh wind filtered in through the trees" really nice line!"why couldn't the gap just dissolve" love that. I've felt that gap before and wanted the same thing. Nice way of making me connect with the MC."just like his gaze was now talking control of her" NICE"why was he not affected the way she was?" again. nice little detail that brings emotion to the piece. I connect with her. I understand that feeling of wondering. "Elysia had to force herself not to laugh" stronger sentence with something like, "Elysia forcered herself not to laugh"Wow. I really, REALLY like this. You have me SO excited for the rest of the book. Please tell me you're posting it soon. LOL. I would love to read the whole thing. this is my kind of book. I like your writing style. It's simple, yet elegant at the same time. These two characters have totally grabbed my interested. I connected with Elysia. I wanted to know why she was in the situation she is in. You already have me wondering about how they can fix it. Just a great job all the way around. I am picking this and please let me know when you add more!!
wrote 89 days ago
she must have done <- I don't know what you're referring to. Done what?eyes began to [flutter] openCassius' arm [felt] strong asbut she [definitely] felt the pressureCassius' own[,] Elysia knew*all your "He asked"s should be "he asked'Although just one scene, this show a great deal about what Elysia felt before and is feeling now. There's obviously something important happening that they're caught up in and this scene makes the reader genuinely curious about where they are and how they came to be there. Are they running from something or traveling somewhere. Good job on grabbing attention. When will the full story be out?Shiraz.
wrote 92 days ago
Hi! Here for the swap we agreed upon. Sorry it took so long, but life just happened. Anyway, my thoughts/comments/suggestions are below. A lot of these are just suggestions, so feel free to throw them out the window if you want. :o)PolishersI was confused with the fourth sentence. She must have done what?“Did I wake you?” [h]e asked.“Do you want to keep moving?” [h]e asked…“Are you cold?” [h]e asked.I think this is a great preview! You said in your pitch you wanted to make readers curious about your characters, and you’ve definitely done that. I want to know all about these two. Just who are they? Where are they from? Why are they doomed to be apart? I can’t wait to read more. Please message me when you update this. Thanks so much for sharing this with us on inkpop, and agreeing to swap with me. I’ve really enjoyed the read. PICKED because I think it’s an excellent teaser. I hope to hear from you soon.Amy – Saving Elizabeth
wrote 95 days ago
Hiya! This is for our read swap!So, I read this and I have to say, I'm impressed. Your writing style is very nice and the flow of your writting is also very nice. You don't have any grammatical or spelling issues, so good job with that. hehe. I really want to read more of this.You do a great job portraying the chemistry between the two :)Anyways, I can't really think of any critiques for this.Good job! Let me know when you post more-Jess
wrote 96 days ago
This was confussing --> (Her legs were stiff and sore; she must have done) What did you mean by this? Okay, that's all i caught. No spelling or grammar issues. Now for my review: WHAT!? That's all there was!? That was good! You sucked me in and ME being tha love sap that i am lol i really liked it.You left us at edge =( and i don't like reading cliffies ... only giving them! BUT that means your story was that much better. Was there going to be more to this or is this staying a short story? If No, then: I can't wait to read more :D I'd love to see where this is going! If Yes, then: xD I still want to see where this is going! Also, that you should give a little bit more back ground on the two so that you can juice up the story a bit more.You did such a great job with your descriptions and emotion that i felt the passion between the two even though they didn't really say too much to one another. Which is awesome! If you couldn't tell by my review, this is definitely picked! Let me know if you'll be adding more. I'll definitely come bck to read it. -CCB
Gah! This is such a teaser! Yes, yes, definitely post it! I can see why this scene is special to you. The chemistry between them is amazing. And I was definitely intrigued enough to want to know, not only what happens to them, but what their back-story is that brought them together. There's an element of forbiddenness (is that a word?)I loved it. And not an error in sight. Refreshing. :)Let me know when you post it as a book. Because when you do, I'll be picking first and reading second!
wrote 100 days ago
I remember reading this before but it seems I never left a comment. Wow, great scene between Cassius and Elysia. Reading this is like holding my breath, hoping things don't go wrong. I'm curious about their backgrounds and what led up to this situation. Awesome job in that small scene!Corrections:“Did I wake you?” [he] asked.“Do you want to keep moving?” [he] asked…“Are you cold?” [he] asked.
Heya! :)Thanks for reading Lost Spirits!! :)My notes as I went through:Some are just suggestions, so feel free to dismiss.she must have done [it?]Adverbs! No! They're a sin! haha! You can have some, but if you don't need them, ditch them. So try and find another way to express [gingerly] without using an adverb.[from?] being together?[he] asked.When using dialogue tags, you lower case."Do you want to keep moving? he asked <---Right"Do you want to keep moving?" He asked. <---Wrongher warm...[.] Fourth because it's the end of a sentence.Cassius'[s] (it's a name, not a plural)Try: [(italics)No,(end italics) she told herself, (italics) I mustn't relax and most certainly mustn't get comfortable.(end italics)] That'll get us into her head a bit.it...[.]Granger[,] was finally choosing...This is a very good preview! And yes, I would love to see the project when you put it up, so shoot me a message! You have the perfect amount of detail and a nice flow to your words. You've grabbed me and kept me throughout, which is great. You also manage to develop the characters well in this short section, so kudos with that. Look forward to the book! :)Great work! :)
wrote 112 days ago
Please message me when you post the book, this is great and is going on my pick list, but I really want to know more. It's a great first look, and I can easily see it being the perfect hook into the first chapter of a book. This is awesome.
wrote 194 days ago
I will definitely be reading the whole book when you post it! There were a few wordy sentences, but otherwise, it's a really intriguing beginning!! Hope post the rest soon!!
wrote 195 days ago
Your goal has been accomplished with this preview. I will be anxiously awaiting the rest of Cassius' and Elysia's story. I did notice a couple of spelling and puctuation errors but nothing too horrible.
wrote 198 days ago
Please message me when you post the book... I want to know more.. I want to know where they are going, why they have this realtionship. I want to know why they can't turn back, and why so much is on the line. I love being dropped into a story... don't tell anyone but I buy a book from cracking it open and reading something in the middle--this--this I would buy. I love the names you picked out, too.. so original... and it was easy to like both of your characters off the bat. This really isn't enough lol. I am looking forward to the book!
.... I really, really hope you plan on posting the full story of this, because you definitely have me intrigued. I'm dying to know what their situation is, why they can't be together. Did Cassius kidnap her for ransom, perhaps? Are their families warring, like in Romeo and Juliette?You've got a great voice, the perfect amount of description that allows the reader to get a good sense of what's going on, yet leaves them (or me, at least) begging for more. I, for one, am hoping to read the full story at some point. I can tell, just from this small scene, that you've definitely got a gift for telling stories.
wrote 200 days ago
this story is very well written! please post the rest of the story!
“A harsh wind filtered in through the trees”---nice“Why couldn’t the gap just dissolve”---ooo, good character insight here“Why was he not affected the way she was”---this is good, great to get in her thoughts“The logic was twisted and obscure and everything that logic shouldn’t be”—hah! Loved this!Love that Cassius kisses her interrupting her thoughts … this is really entertaining!I love this!!! This is classic girl brain/ boy brain ... I love it! Well written, love how you create so much tension just in this one little scene--that take talent! ~Morgan :)
You were right. This read was not a waste of my time. I actually really enjoyed it. Though i must say this is not my perefered style of writing.the only mistake i saw glaring out was on the first sentence of the second paragraph you wrote. ";shemust have done" i do not understand the meaning of the word 'done' in that sentence. A very good read though. I would recomend it.
You were right. This read was not a waste of my time. I actually really enjoyed it. Though i must say this is not my perefered style of writing.the only mistake i saw glaring out was on the first sentence of the second paragraph you wrote. ";shemust have done" i do not understand the meaning of the word done in that sentence. A very good read though. I would recomend it.
wrote 205 days ago
Very well writetenOne sentence in particular seems to bother me. i don't know exactly why. "Cassius relaxed his glare..." It just seems like it ought to read a little differently. Its really good and look forward to see where it goes from here.d;
This is interesting - and obviously from somewhere in the middle of the book.It definitely makes me want to read more, I want to know more about their lives and their current situation.But for me there were a few little things. Sometimes the prose is a little redundant. She shakes her head and refuses to speak, but you then mention it again just two lines later. It makes it feel overdone - like you are trying too hard.And the same a little later on. It feels a little strained.Also you say about his 'glare' - is it really a glare? That makes me think he's scowling at her, but I think from the feel of the piece that it's more likely he is just watching her intensely. So I'm not sure, but the wording just feels off in places.All in all though this is one of the better written pieces on here, so it's going on my picks. (Plus it makes me want to read more, which is definitely rare on here.)
wrote 207 days ago
I'm totally intrigued. What could this story be about? You certainly have a knack for building up the romance. The way you show the sexual tension between them without them actually doing anything illicit, IMHO, is the best kind of romance out there. Very classy. Only one very minor error: " . . . but she DEFIANTLY felt the pressure." I think you meant to type DEFINITELY.When I find some room on my PICK list this will be going up there.
wrote 209 days ago
this is soooooo good! thanks for posting it! I cant wait to read the rest :)
Oooh! I love their names, and I really want to read more! The writing was great - I could just picture the scene, and you did an awesome job creating the tension between the two characters.
wrote 221 days ago
Wow. This totally makes me want to read more!!!
wrote 229 days ago
when i get time i am going to read this. Added to wl :D
wrote 231 days ago
The thing I like best about this is the visual you create. I can see a cold wood, the two figures, the tension. I of course want more, but like you say, this is an excerpt of a bigger story, right? I can see it being just one tidbit as we get to know these characters. There's some grammatical stuff, but I'm sure you'll catch that in the next revision. Good luck with the whole story!
wrote 232 days ago
Her legs were stiff and sore; she must have done. – Somewhat awkward. Say “she must have” instead?I am at a loss for words - mostly. Normally my reviews are very long and intense. I cannot find much wrong with it on a nit-picky level. I LOVE the overall idea of what is being done here. However, there overall structure of the work makes me feel that English is not your first language. The structure of almost every single sentence is off. It is awkward, although I still understand everything that you are saying. Please let me know if English is your second language. If it is, I suggest writing in your first language to make this more powerful, if it is your first language, then you have some major reconstruction to do to the form of your writing. Overall, a great work, just needs some TLC in my opinion.
wrote 234 days ago
This is going on my picks - you are a great writer! It's clear that you've worked for a long while on your craft.
wrote 241 days ago
Hey,This is well written and i enjoyed every word. I am adding it to my picks the next chance i get!
wrote 244 days ago
I really like this. It is very well-written and good. I love your descriptions and everything and found myself greatly enjoying this read. one suggestion: "She must have done" I think sounds better without "done" being in there.
wrote 245 days ago
I believe I already commented on this, but oh well I'll comment again. Lol! So I love the names, very intersting, I have never heard the name Cassius in my life and this is very well written. One thing I do have to say is that you should write more of this so I can read more of this. It's a great story so far, keep working on it. ;)~Nicole
wrote 250 days ago
Hey, this excerpt was really interesting! You've written it really well and made it so the reader can't help but feel what the protagonist is feeling. I can't wait for you to post the whole thing, and I'll definately be reading it;)
wrote 251 days ago
i really love this. it's cool that the reader is kinda kept in the dark concerning how they ended up there and whats going on, but then what the reader can figure out is a completely relatable concept. i love it!
wrote 256 days ago
its such an intersting concept to write about! i can't wait to read more. great characters and description!
wrote 257 days ago
This is an excellent excerpt to pick from your story, it's great and really gets the reader hooked. Loved it and can't wait to read more.Review back and read my short story, Snow?--Doe
wrote 264 days ago
I love this except. Cant wait to read the whole story. I really want to know more about why they cant be together.
Is the story already up...I want to read it!!I love the cliffhanger ending.Really exciting. I love it!!
wrote 266 days ago
i really enjoyed this snip it
wrote 267 days ago
This is great! Well done. :D Bit of a cliffhanger at the end though...what happens?
wrote 270 days ago
Well written, I love it. Maybe you could put in a couple of paragraphs. But well done.Luv loopylooby
wrote 272 days ago
I love this. <3I have to go and read the story it comes from now, but I just wanted you to know that this is such a good except. I'm a fan of it! :)You did a very good job of showing the tension between that you mentioned in the summary about how they don't really fit together, but that doesn't change their feelings for each other. Good job!
wrote 277 days ago
I love the cliff hanger on this! I think I would probably choose desire more than logic. Lol. ^_^ I'm just sayin n__n~Nicole
Aw, it was really nice. I liked the part about something right comming out of something wrong. It's true. Though I have to agree, it was cruel to just leave us hanging like that. I'm now curious about what's gonna happen next
Really well written, I like how you didn't give us much but it was definitely enough to hook us! How exactly do you pronounce her name though? x :)
wrote 283 days ago
Man, you are evil lol jk. It's really that good. You just left the readers hanging. Where are they going? What's going to happen? I want to know!!! More, more, more!!!
wrote 285 days ago
Oh, the tension between Cassius and Elysia is almost tangible! I love it.
wrote 287 days ago
totally sucked in, love it and cant wait to read the rest. i really like the way you discribe things, it makes everthing so easy to visulise.
More more more please! This is amazing! I can't help, but be completely pulled in by your writing!
wrote 288 days ago
Please post the full story soon! This is so good, and i would love to read more! xx
wrote 291 days ago
The descriptions of the movements of the characters really make it much easier to visualize and I like the way you've portrayed the emotions that Elysia's feelings. I also like the way you've mixed up your sentence lengths... some short, some long. It really helps the pacing and the 'flow' as you read. There are some typos but those are easy to fix. :)
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