inkpop: The Online Community of Rising Stars in Teen Lit

Book Jacket

Rank 596 (-21)

Word Count

42197

Date submitted

12.11.2009

Date Updated

06.13.2010

Supernova

by Average_Superstar

Book: Science Fiction/Fantasy, Romance, Humor

A story about a girl and the superhero that she falls in love with.

"I can’t say what it was, but I felt as if I couldn’t live without him. And by some unusual force, he felt the same for me." Riley Clark is thrown into the adventure of her life after she is saved from a fire by the superhero Supernova. Now, on his mission to protect her, Riley, and Supernova's secret identity, Leo, must partake in many dangerous obstacles with the hope that all the danger will eventually pass. But not if Black Hole has anything to say about it.

report abuse
View Project
Add to My Picks

On 4 Pick Lists

On 12 Watch Lists

31 Comments

Share this project on:

comments

AmyMN28

wrote 80 days ago

Hi! Here to return the favor. My thoughts and comments are below. :o)

First of all, I have to say this reminds me of "Spiderman." (Geez...I hope you take that as a compliment, because I meant it as one. I love that movie!) The whole superhero thing has been overdone, especially here on inkpop, but you've really done a great job of setting your work apart. Kudos for that. It really shows your hard work and dedication to seeing your story succeed. Your characters were intriguing. Your dialogue is believable, and your premise was unique. Your words flowed nicely, so it was an easy read. (I'm sorry that this critique isn't terribly helpful, but there's not a lot I would change.) I'll definitely be popping this on my shelf as soon as I have room. (It will be sometime tomorrow. I'll message you when it gets there.) Thanks so much for sharing this on inkpop with us. Best of luck. :o)
Amy

report abuse

jessi870

wrote 81 days ago

I love chapter thirteen!!! It's so awesome. I love the whole prophecy thing. You've added a hole
new twist to the story. I sooo did not see that coming. Please write more!!

~Jessi

report abuse

Author S M Johnston

wrote 97 days ago

Pet peeve of mine... characters announcing their names to readers and the fact they have a story to tell... sorry but it is over done. I like the way this started, seting the scene for an average life that is going to move into something special You dialogue formatting was tight to begin with, but slipped as the project went on. Try this thread for help: http://inkpop.com/forums/threads/14322/dialogue-getting-it-right-/
I think this is such a cool story idea - PICKED

report abuse

honeyw12

wrote 110 days ago

for our swap - i have only read my name is riley and the meeting so far but i will definatly be reading more.
i liked the my name is riley bit it is different from the starts of other stories i like they way you introduced her and told the rreader a bit about riley before you started the story it was very clever by the way.
at the begining when she describes her parents and thinks they will say no to her going to new york nice touch very
believable and it mad eus think of riley as just a classic teenager. i also like the way you describe what she does do homework. eat dinner. wash dishes etc. very effective. i love the way describe leo wow it isw really well done :D i also like hhow she feels after she met him . she wanted to know him more that she wanted to know her friends. that is my favouriute line so far :D i can't wait to read more! PICKED!!
honeyw12

report abuse

Evie J

wrote 122 days ago

Heya! :)
As promised, my notes as I went through:
Just suggestions, feel free to dismiss.

I like the prologue, but I'm not sure about the info-dump in the beginning.

Chapter 1:
"best friends[.]"
You're 'telling' in places instead of 'showing.' Let the reader 'see' what happening rather than just telling them. If this makes no sense, let me know.
firm[.]' Commas and periods always on the inside of quotes, single or double.
matter[,] Riley
"Sure[,]" [my] mother...
boring[,] Riley
That [was] when I realized...
[my] mother said...
"Yes[,]" I answered.
Commas and not periods when using dialogue tags. Example:
"Hey," he said. NOT "Hey." he said.
Lowercase dialogue tags, not capital.
Example:
"Hey," he said. NOT "Hey," He said.
I think you're moving a bit fast. Give time to develop the character.
Scroll down and see how many of your paragraphs start with "I"
Thank you[,] Miss Cole

Overall:
A very unique premise. I think you have a lot of potential with this one. However, my main suggestion: I think you've packed too much into one chapter. She has to ask to go, go, get there, meet the boy, and then is already leaving the hotel by the end. See how much is in there? This can be developed into about 2-3 chapter easily. Other than that, good work. :)

report abuse

Lycanthrope

wrote 124 days ago

Awesome so far :) Your story is really, really unique lol. Not many superhero books, much less books about people who fall in love with superheroes. Keep up the great work.

report abuse

chancerychislett

wrote 161 days ago

First thing I've read on here today that I've wanted to pick. I generally try to avoid sci-fi like the black plague on this site, but you had me at superhero. I also like that you actually have a plot in the beginning and aren't all "hopelessly in love". I am picking this and I hope to read more soon and give you a better critique.

report abuse

Lauren Kreps

wrote 171 days ago

This is great! I stumbled upon this and it is real promising. I would read your sentences aloud. I think it will help you tighten things up in some areas. All in all, this is a great read and worth a pick spot from me :-)

report abuse

Ariel Marie

wrote 171 days ago

It seems to be interesting. I read some of the prologue and then the first chapter. To be honest, I don't think you need the prologue. I felt that it was a little pointless to read so I didn't finish it. They're supposed to provide background information that will not be explained later on in the novel while yours sort of prepares the reader for that they will read, like a summary. You might want to consider starting with the first chapter, which is a lot stronger. It has a great first line that catches the reader's attention and is well written. I'm glad that it doesn't jump straight into the action because it gives you the chance to build the tension of the narrators life. Although, she doesn't come off real original. She's an enjoyable chracter and I'm sure a lot of other readers will be able to releate to her. But when it came to the whole Jane Austen part all I could think of was...Oh no. Not this again. It's almost become cliche to has such a relationship between the damsel in distress and hero (whether super or supernatural) for the damsel to love Jane Austen. Personally, I love Austen but I feel like everything like this is a little annoying because her work was about satirizing her times in society and now it seems like people only look to her work for a romantic getaway. Maybe you might want to consider something a little bit different? But maybe not, I might be one of the few people--if not the only one--to complain about such a thing. And lastly, I think you need more of a cliff hanger. The only super intriguing thing that begs the reader to read more is the Leo character. Have you considered ending it with a reference to the fire in Macy's? I think that it would be a lot stronger and have people going OMG...NEED MORE! :)

Ariel, Out.

report abuse

kevinwong_HoD

wrote 171 days ago

This is such an original story. I love the premise of a superhero falling in love, and that your book explores that romance - with the loved one being the main character and the superhero being the supporting character. What a neat twist! :-) I love the dialogue and situations in your book. I want to pick this for my list because of the originality in your story, and the wonderful way you have with words and writing! :-)

Your fellow writer and friend,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

report abuse

KDBDanielle

wrote 174 days ago

Other then a grammar error here or there I seriously loved it! Now you have a new fan because I'm definitely coming back to finish what I've started. I loved the romance and the fact that Leo is a superhero. As famous as superheros are you hardly ever see them in teen novels... Well, at least I don't. So I love that you writing about something that isn't overused. Nice work!!

report abuse

ChronicAnnie

wrote 191 days ago

Great story! I really like the characters, but sometimes it's hard to enjoy the story through the grammar and spelling errors. You might want to have a friend read over it with you, and work out some of the kinks in punctuation and such. Like I said, it's a great story, and is probably one of my favorites, if a bit predictable. :]

--Annie

report abuse

diran823

wrote 191 days ago

BEST. STORY. EVER. :)

report abuse

Juliet Steele

wrote 208 days ago

Hey! Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this!
Anyways, I read the prologue and the first real chapter (2) and I thought it was really good! I really liked the dialogue. It struck me, IDK why. I guess it makes them sound intelligent without making them sound un-teen. I really thought it was good! There were a coupel of tense problems, but a re-read would probably fix that.
If you ahven't yet, I'd love it if you'd check out my SS, "Just Us"
Thanks!
J

report abuse

NUX

wrote 215 days ago

Wow! I loved your latest chapter, it was so romantic. I hope that in your future chapters Riley's mother will show her some sort of affection :( Great work though!!
~C

report abuse

BlindLover

wrote 217 days ago

I love it girl! I'm supposed to be doing class work I'm reading your story!lol
-shydeia

report abuse

Sila

wrote 220 days ago

I wrote this up EONS ago and forgot about it. Yeah, I’m an idiot. Anyhow, I guess it’s better late than never right? Hahaha.

I read this all in one sitting; I couldn't stop. Your story is interesting, and I was hooked. I think writing about superheroes isn't easy, because the market has been so monopolized by the likes of Marvel and DC. But for you to bring in a new hero, who seems like he just wants to be a kid, is great. I think what most people expect from superheroes is so generic, that with this book you have an opportunity to really surprise your readers. Supernova has a lot of potential. Having said all of that, looking critically at your writing, it does come off as rough. Right now your book reads like a first draft. The biggest areas that need work are: plot, character development, grammar, and sentence structure. I suggest you take a look at your dialogue too, although there was nothing seriously wrong with it, there is some room for improvement.

Plot, is something that is beyond critical to any piece of literature. You can have a story or an idea, but if you don’t have a good plot you really don’t have crap. What you have going on in your book isn’t bad it’s just a little straightforward. Throw some twists and turns into the mix, but keep things relevant to your central plot. The story you have already in place in great! And honestly I wouldn’t change a thing, but I would add to it. With superheroes and villains the possibilities are endless!

As much as I like your characters, sometimes they come off as a little flat and one-dimensional. Try and flesh them out a little more, really show the reader who these people are and why they function the way they do. Supernova/Leo is a very cool character and there is so much you can do with him because he does have that hero persona. Be creative with him and think outside of the box. With him, it might be difficult to come up with something original because of the whole, DC/Marvel world dominance. But you’ve already created something original, so I have no trouble believing you’ll do it again. The mother/daughter relationship in the story has the potential to be a real plot mover, and if you work it right could be a really great element to the story. Perhaps you could enlighten the readers as to why the mother is the way she is; what happened, why she treats her daughter the way she does, was there something in her past to make her act this way, or is she really a villain in disguise? Just play with it. The romance . . . I don’t mind it, though really I’m not a romance fan. I would like to see it develop more, because it felt kind of rushed. It was like bing, bang, boom we’re in love. I’d like to see some sort of a build up to it. One last thing, Riley and Leo are starting to remind me of a certain vampire/human couple, just be mindful of that. The whole, “I can’t live without you” dynamic is very romantic, but can come off as cliché. As far as Riley goes, I really like her and she's a great character. I'd just like to see more to her.

Grammar and sentence structure aren’t something that I can really give any form of advice or crit on. So basically, just be careful, go through spell checks more than once, read your work out loud, and if need be have someone take a second look at it for you too. Sentence structure is something I think you’ll get the hang of the more you write. A few times there were run-ons, short choppy sentences, and some sentences just read as awkward. But that happens to everyone, so don't dwell on that too much. Okay, so very last thing; dialogue. It’s great, you’ve done really well with it so far, but sometimes it doesn’t sound natural. Again, with time and more writing, you’ll smooth out whatever kinks you have. I feel like there were points in the story where the dialogue seemed a little forced. From what you've shown up and who you've lead the characters up to be, some of the things they said sounded weird coming from them. It's like hearing my Grandma say "wassup yo". Weird right? Also, dialogue is a great tool that can be used to show what’s going on, let readers get to know the characters, add more to your characters, and even become a plot device.

I wish you all the best and I’m very excited to see what else you will write! You’re doing a great job!

Cheers!

-sila

report abuse

NUX

wrote 221 days ago

oh my god!! I can't wait to see the parents reaction.. update soon!!

report abuse

NUX

wrote 221 days ago

I really like the story line. Just the mother bothers me because I feel like her character is so unrealistic, the fact that she would actually be mad at her daughter for being in a fire, and be THAT uncaring of her child is unbelievable. Other than that and a few grammatical errors, great book! Can't wait to read more.

report abuse

Leigh Fallon

wrote 222 days ago

Wow this is so retro, an electric blue body suit with a big S on it. I didn't know where to laugh or not. Then Black Hole in his dark sister spandex. This is SO not what I was expecting. the writing up to that was so tight and well serious Supernova and his nemisis came as a bit of a surprise to me. I'm not knocking it though. I could see this as one of those comic book movies, you know half black and white, edgy sort of. I'm so intrigued now, I just have to read on.

The best of luck with it.
Leigh

report abuse

gillofnerd

wrote 222 days ago

I just finished the first chapter--and not the little intro but the whole first chapter. It's a really good story so far.

I think your intro has a few phrases that are a bit redundant; you might want to clean that up.

Also, on the next page, the part with the hairdryer and the sink was a little confusing.

I like how she makes a big deal about going to New York with her mom, when her mom couldn't care less. She does seem like a big, social outcast/ nerdy person. She's a very well-defined character.

Oh yeah, you say, "My imagination wasn't good enough to imagine something like that." This is a bit repetitive. Maybe you should say something like, "My imagination wasn't good enough to think up something like that." Just a suggestion ;->

This is really good. It's going on my watch list to finish later.

report abuse

MIC

wrote 222 days ago


“With the strength of a thousand elephants and the speed of a hundred cheetahs”---cool

“The blame lies with my ‘best friends’”---hah! What a great start!

“They had too much faith in us”—this was great

“not ready to go into my own personal purgatory”---this is good

“They didn’t seem to want to get close to me either, so I didn’t bother them”—so funny!!!

“Maybe I was switched at birth”---such a good voice

“that it is a surprise I didn’t have it memorized”---good

“So he wasn’t a figment of my imagination. That was a good thing”---hah! I love it!

“And now I had another reason to hate it more”---love this

“I hated shopping, so much”---so good

“You need to call them for insurance purposes”---nice!!!

Oh ... you are HILARIOUS!!!! I am loving this!!! Wow!! Bravo! Love the voice, the humor, the pacing, the writing ...
everything. Great work! ~Morgan:)

report abuse

blond-but-black

wrote 226 days ago

The feeling she described inchapter one is one familiar to every girl i think lol
I love this! It has a lovely 'vibe' about it, and I love her voice! There was oly one mistake I noticed, and that was, '...that has ever been seen with human eyes.' I think you mean BY human eyes. :) Hope that helped. This is wicked awesome!!!

report abuse

danakay

wrote 229 days ago

This is funny! I like the sarcastic comments that are made!

Here's a few suggestions:
- "mind set of a seventeen year old male" the 'male' at the end adds awkwardness
- In the beginning when emily is first introduced, her dialogue is a bit unrealistic and weird to say outloud, try rephrasing a bit. Otherwise I like the dialogue!
- Okay, I have to be honest: the old red truck reminds me of twilight, as does the last few lines in your prologue. But you have a unique story, so no worries there. Just those two things remind me of it.
- "I turned the blow dry off..." blow dryer
- eletricuting herself: does that add to the plot at all? if not, cut it. It seemed random.
- "WE came to tell you the train stropped, sense..." SINCE

I like this! you could probably move it along a bit faster, but I will keep reading and let you know what I think!

report abuse

clamster

wrote 235 days ago

I've only read the first chapter and this isn't a genre I normally read, but it was incredibly well-written. Very well done!

report abuse

cara_ruegg

wrote 237 days ago

"Seventeen-year-old" should have the hyphens. Prologue is real interesting. Makes me want to read on. "they had too much faith in us." hahahha I loved that. Love your voice and how easily I can get into your character's head. I like her! "....okay with this,' I urged" should have a comma. "My mom was right, I was going to grow up boring." ahahha loved that line too! you're hilarious. This is a great read so far. I'll have to come back for more.

report abuse

Maddie11

wrote 249 days ago

This is great so far!! Your characters are relatable and the plot flows well. I didn't notice many grammar mistakes and I liked the way you introduced the story... great job :)

report abuse

riotgirl8

wrote 253 days ago

I just finished the first chapter and i loved it! im definately coming back to read more!

report abuse

knelson101

wrote 254 days ago

The writing is very well done. I enjoy reading it and I can feel myself naturally falling in line with the story and the characters. It's relatable even the story is about a super hero. The only thing I would caution you about is that the premise and especially the start of the story is sounding alot like the Twilight story. I felt like you were describing Edward for a moment. Now, I didn't get all the way through the story so maybe this changes, but if not I would just caution you about it. I think this story could become something really cool that alot of girls will relate with and enjoy. So far so good! :) I really liked it :D
-K-

report abuse

♥♥bocababy10♥♥

wrote 257 days ago

pretty good. nice work!

report abuse

Ummyeahh

wrote 258 days ago

Finished the first two chapters-definitely pretty good [: I'll be back to read more.

report abuse

1

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT

spread the word about inkpop: