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Book Jacket

Rank 1779 (-25)

Word Count

20726

Date submitted

07.26.2010

Date Updated

07.28.2010

A Messed Up Love Story

by MissaMystic

Book: General Fiction, Romance

Katharine is the perfect daughter. She has the perfect boyfriend and the perfect life. Well, until she gets knocked up, that is.

Katharine is the perfect daughter. She has the perfect boyfriend and the perfect life. Well, until she gets knocked up, that is. Her world quickly comes crashing down around her as her boyfriend leaves her, her parents reject her and she has only Margaret, her best friend left. This is a story of love lost, love found, and the struggles of bringing new life into the world as a teenage mother. Welcome to a Messed Up Love Story.

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Living Pearl

wrote 30 days ago

this is very good. kind of fast paced, but you make it work. one thing: i was a bit confused in chapter 10 (i think? maybe it was eleven...) when maggie was talking to kate about her options. before, it seemed like abortion was the worst thing katharine could do in her eyes, but then she actually brought it up as an option. that made no sense to me. other than that, i think that this is extremely well-written, and i can't wait for more!
Rachel

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FireEyes

wrote 41 days ago

For our swappppp

Chapter 1
“How could this happen to me, [she thought].”
“…perfect honors student[.] [Her, the] Gog loving, daughter had done gone and gotten…”
“…but would he love the baby? [H]is baby, that was growing…”
“…wrap her mind around the knowledge.” ((needs to be put in the same line))
“Some[one’s mother].”
“I mean after all it’d [It had] only been a month since…”
“Ryan replied, breathing out, [a notable hint of excitement] in his voice.”
“… she managed to choke out, “[W-we] gotta talk babe.” “

It seems like she was a little too prepared to be pregnant, and she seems a little young to want a kid so badly, but that could just be who she is. I think that a little more telling rather than showing would work so show the reader that she had always done what her parents told her to do would help. The phone conversation seems a little stilted, like they had almost rehearsed it. Maybe if you added a little detail about the feelings that each have, or that Ryan just rolled out of bed and grabbed up the phone, sleep still in his voice.

Chapter 2
“..on her face, he asked, voice rising[,] “What’s wrong?” “

First off her thoughts on being pregnant are completely different than they were in the first chapter. She seems to want the baby in the first, and then in the first paragraph in the second chapter she is wondering why. Maybe if you made it a little more similar to the first chapter that would help it flow a little bit better. I like how you kind of threw a twist in there that Ryan thinks that Kat cheated on him, I think that it is the first time I have seen that come up. I think it might help to make it a little less confusing for readers if you only were in one of the character’s minds. It gets a little confusing when you write about what both Kat and Ryan are thinking.

Chapter 3
“…he thought [Why? All I did was love her. Where did I go wrong?]”
“[Damn you Katharine, for the first time I thought I was actually falling in love, he thought]” ((I think it would help if you italicized the thoughts of your characters))
“[I wanted to marry her], he realized with a start, [For the first time in my life, I loved someone.]”
“…that you and Kath created out of love.” ((this doesn’t really seem like something a teenage boy would say))

It seems a little awkward when you switch from Kat’s perspective to Ryan’s, so maybe you could try and make that a little cleared for the reader.


Overall I think that you’ve got a pretty good idea here, although you probably should be careful not to make it too cliché because there are a lot of books/stories out there about teenage pregnancy. I think that it is an interesting twist to have Ryan running away, but at the same time wanted to help Kat out. There were a few grammar and spelling mistakes, which could be easily fixed.
Good luck with your writing!
-fire

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cambriacovell

wrote 41 days ago

The writings good. Nice job.

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MonsterGirl

wrote 42 days ago

Okay, so I've read three chapters of this and I still haven't gotten the feeling of commenting. Well, here we go then.
I think this has been done before - the good, church girl gets pregnant - think there was a movie about it too.
It also felt a little out of control. You had sentences all over the place. In the middle of a sentence, there would be a new paragraph.
And you dialogue seemed a little stilted when Ryan was talking to..Jed?
Also your paragraphs are kind of chunky.

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moo_gan

wrote 42 days ago

i cannot believe the nerve of her parents!!! this is a really good story keep writing!

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EmilyisSmiling

wrote 42 days ago

I was intrigued by this book because mine (Before You) is also about teenage pregnancy.

Chapter 1-
- "Her... had done gone and gotten herself knocked up" - This is really awkwardly worded I think. Reword?
- At times, you have mistakes with capitalization and basic grammar. Easily fixed if you would just skim over this first chapter. I don't think I even need to point them out.
- I think it's a little weird that Kat actually WANTS to have a baby right away. I guess it shows her youth and immaturity, but it also seems extreme that she's immediately excited to be a mom. You may want to have her feel only horror at first. I don't know. It's your story. :)
- Your first chapter is also a little short. In the book world, that would only be like two pages. You may want to either connect the first few chapters together or put in more emotion and back story into Chapter 1.

Chapter 2-
- You write from third person, which is pretty rare nowadays. One suggestion I might have is that you not write so omnisciently, meaning you show the thoughts of Kat in one paragraph and Ryan in another. Write from Kat's point of view, even if you're writing third person. If you're going to write from Ryan's POV, perhaps change chapters first. Otherwise, it can get a little confusing as to whose thoughts you're talking about.
- At times, you write from Kat's thoughts, like "Why me?" and you don't italicize or put in quotations or anything. I get a little confused at who is talking. You may want to separate Kat's thoughts a little more.

Chapter 3-
- "a child that you and Kath created out of love" - This does not sound like it's coming from the mouth of a teenage boy.
- See, I like how you write from Ryan's point of view in this chapter and you ONLY write from his POV.
- I have the same critique with the whole "when is he thinking and when is there narrative" thing in this chapter as well. Possibly italicize or put in quotations.

You do have some basic grammar and punctuation errors in each chapter that should probably be fixed, and at times, the wording of your sentences seem a little strained, but this has a lot of potential. I like Kat's youth and the fact that her boyfriend is scared and guilty at the same time. I wonder how Kat will tell her parents. Keep writing! :)
-Emily
Before You

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Wondering Pen

wrote 42 days ago

I read the first chapter. . and it was pretty good.

I love it, because you know.. what you wrote is really happening in real life. I mean like, the most unexpected person to get pregnant young, will be the one! O.o

the part where you wrote "but an empty house, with two horny teenagers and a nice comfortable bed" made me laugh.

all in all great job. :]
NOTE: you should prolong your chapters a bit.

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katherine187

wrote 42 days ago

Here for our swap:)

Kat is a very likable character that most readers will be able to relate to. I think the fact that she gets knocked up and everyone but her bestfriend has left her is clever. You'd think that even her parents would stand by her side. Katharine seems to have a very good head on her shoulders and she comes across as a strong character. I didnt see any issues with this and I think that you have a wonderful start here!

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Emma Halmhofer

wrote 42 days ago

Hey there :] for our swap:

Chapter 1:

Wow, I already love how much of a voice Kat has. This is kind of cliché, the “oh my lord I’m pregnant” thing it’s all happening just like all the other knocked up stories I’ve read… but I still really like it :]

Space out the ohgod’s

Awwwww…..


Chapter 2

“… whisper (.)” This…”

Wow, I love how Kat is different in that fact that she actually WANTS the baby. “this is what I wanted.” I love it!!!

“…(he’s) a lucky man.”

WHAT A DOUCH!!! (sp?) grrrrrrrr…. I hate him!!

Wow, I unexpected love this :] I love kat’s voice, and how she’s different than any other mc in story’s like this ive read. PICKED!!!

Best of Luck,
~Emma

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CG Willis

wrote 43 days ago

I just finished this and Wow! Stunner ending, I did not see that coming at all! I think Ryan is a total asshole! I really like Kate, when she got real mad and let her temper through, I swear I would do that! lol. Over all, I love it! This is going on my picks :)
Thanks,
CG WIllis :)

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CG Willis

wrote 43 days ago

AMAZING! I absolutely love this! I'm only up to chapter seven, and I have to go... but I will finish in the morning and surely put this on my picks! This is just amazing! I love how Ryan doesn't believe it's his baby, yet Kate would never have cheated on him. I seriously wanna smack him!
-CG Willis :)
Can't wait to see what you have to say about Dear Charles!!

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laurynnicole

wrote 45 days ago

I Came across this and I was thinking not another of those pregnant stories, But I actually like this!:)
I really like Katharine, But I hate Lena I have a bad feeling about her! Katharine is making a big decision to keep the baby if I was in this situation I would have kept the baby to! I hope what she is doing now is a good decision though! I cant believe that Ryan would think all that bad stuff about her!I hope that she can work some stuff out with her parent's.

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