Book Jacket

Editors Picktop pick

Word Count

35834

Date submitted

12.26.2009

Date Updated

03.01.2010

On The Plus Side

by Vargot

Book: General Fiction, Romance, Humor

Big girls need love too, but at what cost?

Lilly is loaded, not only with money, but with fat. Neither of these things does she really want or need. Regardless of her large bank account and fat ass, she tries hard to live a relatively normal life. But when a tall, dark, and sexy stranger with shocking green eyes comes along that boring predicable life soon takes a wild turn. What happens when she finds out that the money she despises so much is the real reason for bringing this stranger into her life, as well as her heart?

Devin and his dad are about to lose everything, and if he doesn’t come up with large amount of money and fast, they will. It seems that all is lost when out of the blue he is approached by a millionaire momma with an offer that he can’t refuse. Its simple, date her lonely plus size daughter, making her happy for three months, and keep the home and business that they have worked so hard for. Sounds like a pretty easy task for a womanizer like Devin, but what happens when the short chunky girl with the carefree attitude becomes the beauty that breaks through his icy façade?

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Herald Angus Penn

wrote 23 days ago

THIS NEEDS TO STAY IN THE TOP FIVE!
I've got a big ego, and I didn't expect to come to this site and feel jealous of anyone, but you've accomplished that -- so congrats! I am so fricken' jealous of you and this story. You need to stay in the top five because you deserve it. In fact, this should be #1. It's easily the best I've read on this site. Your confidence as a writer is put on a magnifent showcase here with Lily and her witty yet emotional, self-deprivating yet still confident, sarcastic yet not obnoxious voice. What you did here is nothing short of remarkable. The voice carries this story. The story isn't something I'd be usually drawn to, but you can write in Lily's voice about a chess game and I'd be glued to the page. I laughed out loud a number of times simply from the choice of language alone. It's an uplifting story too and one that I can see girls and women falling for. Again, congrats for making me jealous. :P
-H.A
Author of "Arthur and the Washing Machine That Ate Him"

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Exiled_Muse

wrote 24 days ago

I remember the first time this was uploaded onto inkpop. From the long pitch, I was drawn to Lilly. She reminded me so much of Meg Cabot's series about Heather Wells, but with far more emotion and that touch of humor that had me rolling on the floor when she commented on Spanx. If my laptop could stare at me, it would have thought I was a raving lunatic when I read "every fat roll I own would spill forth like frothy white volcano lava" and shook with laughter.

Lilly's entry in her journal pulled me in from the very beginning, catching my attention with the concerns she has and her thoughts on what she holds important in her life. Granted, I may not be loaded or plus size, but the way she spoke, her personality was easy to relate to, the way she wrote in her journal reminds me of how I like to rant and rave in mine. Regardless of size, stature, or even gender, Lilly's method of dealing with her world is something I feel that a lot of people can relate to. Ice cream, a journal. Bliss.

I did notice a change in tenses after the initial section where Lilly snaps her journal shut, but other than that, I can't find anything inherently wrong with the grammar yet. While you do change back and forth between past and present tense, it's nice to see you stay in one tense for some time before switching back as opposed to changing everything sentence. However, I think it needs to be decided which tense the book should be written in during the editing process. =/ Sorry, tenses bother me.

The contrast between her mom and grandmother made me wish that Lilly's grandmother was still alive. I feel like she would have been a feisty character in addition to Lilly's humor and outlook on life. Her meeting with her mother was a good way of introducing the contrast between the two characters, while both are rich, Lilly prefers to stay grounded in life as opposed to her mother, who seems a bit frivolous. The thoughts and the little quirks like ordering lattes makes Lilly seem more realistic instead of simply a character out of a book.

Oh man, when I read Devin's description of his car. *shakes head* Makes me think of all the guys I know who love their bikes or have obsessions with some sort of piece of technology. His mom walking out on his family, his dad who drinks and now the threat of the loans - they all contribute so much to his character, his attitude on life. I feel like because of all the things that he's gone through, the way he views Renee is understandable. It's not the best outlook, but a reformed rake/womanizer is my favorite kind of character. =D

"There had to be a way, there was always a way." The way that chapter ended was so nicely set up for what would happen next. Omigosh, eye rape, assault. Devin will be the death of me. haha. And Lilly's mom. Wow. I totally did not expect that temper out of her, especially when she was so swooshy in the beginning. I love how she can hide her real nature behind the proper facade of being rich and well spoken and polite.

>_< oimgoshii. Okay, that wasn't a real word but >_< Devin and the way he describe Lilly, gaaaaaah, "this was my Lilly." I know he's being paid and I know he can be a big fat butthead but >_< that was just so adorable and sweet. I love how he finds things to like about her even through his reluctance. Is it that bad of me to wish that they would just hurry up and get together despite how much fun all the events leading up to the end can be? There was a bit of repetition when Lilly says "knocks out this side of the case." So perhaps rewording one of those phrases to something similar would be nice. "That's not funny, punk." =D That's like one of my favorite phrases. ^_^ I use it on my brother and guy friends a lot and it just made Lilly's personality come out more.

Men are so stupid. =.= But that's why I love Devin, how he got disconcerted when Lilly was so on the mark. The way you show how perceptive she is, her description of Devin - it's everything I wish I had to the confidence to say sometimes. It's refreshing to see Lilly as being confident in herself in terms of speaking her mind, even if she doesn't feel that Devin would be interested in her. Granted... he isn't... yet. =D

Mmm, romance, chick lit, humor and deception. My biggest mistake was in never commenting before now, and as much as I would love to continue with my rambling fangirliness, I'll stop and just read. ^_^ This is sweet and funny, the characters and their personalities (Lilly, her mother, Devin), I couldn't ask for any more.

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Sila

wrote 74 days ago

I really enjoyed this book. It's funny, witty, quirky, and very well executed. The writing is amazing and the voice you lend to Lilly fleshes her out so nicely. As someone who isn't big on chick lit, I was really impressed with piece and fell in love with the story. I'm so excited for the next update! Please let me know when you do =)

Cheers!

-sila

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SammySays

wrote 4 days ago

Fifteen chapters in less than two hours, (:
Basically I wanted to tell you I'm hooked! I absolutely adore this story to bits! So please update when you get the chance! (Hopefully sooner, rather than later)
I like how you showed the transition in Devin’s attitude towards Lilly, it flowed nicely it wasn’t too quickly, just right.
Your writing is wonderful, I love it. You make Lilly and Devin seem like REAL people, not characters.
I just wanted to let you know that you had me wanting to cry when Devin didn’t call her like he said he would. Then you had me grinning like fool and wanting to shout “I KNEW IT!” when Devin got all ‘jealous boyfriend’ on Matt.
I will definitely be reading this over and over again, it’s just that awesome.

Till next time
-Samantha

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DriaDay

wrote 5 days ago

Gah. I feel like I should leave some massively long message about how FREAKISHLY AWESOME this story is but I am SERIOUSLY at a loss for words! And anyone who knows me can tell you, Me+Speechless=Rarer than lime green pigs flying across Phoenix! I love Lilly! She's so...real! Unlike almost every character you see, she's got -weight- on her! And she's frequently embarrassed and gets caught up in emotions and is just awkward! She's just awesome! And Devin, oh my! He's just a character you want to make real and steal! You're a FANTASTICAL writer who has a knack for reeling girls in with delicious boys and REAL characters. Guess I wasn't so speechless after all!

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Elaine 'Laney' Obi

wrote 9 days ago

I just finished everything you have up so far...and I must say it is wonderful! Beyond wonderful! I love it! It's witty, sarcastic, sexy, and just terrific! I love that's she's plus size and not one of those annoying stick thin girls who get it all(i'm plus size and proud of it so I totally relate!) and she comes from South Carolina and everyone knows the south is the greatest place on earth! (Ok, I'm gonna admit I'm alittle biased because I am a true southern gal, from South Carolina. Go Carolina Girls!) I can't wait to read more, and great job on the writing! And great job on getting into the top picks! :)
~Laney

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Vargot

wrote 9 days ago

I'm working on it right at this very moment! It's coming I promise!

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chellybean12

wrote 9 days ago

when will u update this?!?!?!?! I am like...dying for more!!!!

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TreeSpirit

wrote 9 days ago

omg sooooooooooo good I love it! do you want to read the series of short stories that I wrote...if so, don't forget to read them in order and comment!

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lunachick_08

wrote 9 days ago

LOVE! i was hooked as soon as i started :)

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Katrina Santillan

wrote 9 days ago

OMG!!! when are you gonna update this??!!
im sooo hooked!
i cant wait for the next chapters to be posted!
can you please lemme kno when you've updated this...

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Just Listen <3

wrote 10 days ago

I just finished this right now and it was amazing!
Lilly's wit is genius. Her humor serves to reflect her character which really, is extremely determined despite all she's been through.
And I loved the fact that Devin isn't perfect but he's becoming a better guy because of Lilly.
Can't wait to read more :)

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WaterJenny

wrote 10 days ago

CONGRATS ON THE (FINALLY) TOP PICK!

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KarmaRevolution

wrote 11 days ago

This story is wonderful so far, I have only read into the first chapter, but already I can see much potential in it. The only thing I had to comment on was the narration, who is she talking to? I realize in the beginning she is writing in a journal, so she is speaking to her diary, and in turn herself, but after she seems to be speaking to someone specifically. Just something I noticed, because obviously for the clarity of the story justification and elaborate explanation from the character like this is needed and useful, but she actually speaks as if there is a person in mind, saying things like "Since we are being honest" etc. Perhaps I would know more by reading more but thought I would comment. I love her wry sense of humor though, I love her commentary on her own weight as well, because she accepts it, she does not love it, but she finds a way to play with it into her personality. It is a wonderful character trait.

Jesse

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pewterfaille003

wrote 11 days ago

...."I said sarcastically".

You could change it to: I said, rolling my eyes. It still gets the message across that that obviously, Lilly is using sarcasm. I mean, it sounds just as wrong to say: "Gee, thanks, Mom," I said unappreciatively.
Or: "Pass this to Sarah," She said surreptitiously.

I am guilty of this for sure! I am constantly reprimanded by my teachers of this! xD But Adverbs sometimes can be our enemies when we try to get the point across. Sometimes a simple "said" or "retorted" is all we need. :) I LOVE YOUR BOOK. POST MORE. PLEASE.

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CharmedNatalie

wrote 11 days ago

Go Tabatha we support you 100%. Come on number 5! Pick this people. It's wonderful.

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Tiger

wrote 11 days ago

I hope to see this stay in the top five. Good luck and congrats!

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Adamsgirl123

wrote 11 days ago

Alright number 5..........7 more hours vargot!!!! Oops she did it again. This is so exciting!

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sweethang311

wrote 12 days ago

Wow!! On The Plus Side is absolutely amazing. I read the first 15 chapters in one sitting. I didn't feel like I was reading a story, I could see it all play out. You are an amazing writer and deserve to be in the top 5!!

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jessisay

wrote 12 days ago

I know you're super busy, but if you have time, could you glance at some of my writing? I'd really appreciate any input you could give me --it means a lot!

<3 Jess

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Gabriela V

wrote 12 days ago

this HAS to stay in the top five-ive only read the first chapter and im in love with it.
its witty.
its deep.
the flow is natural and lillys look on life makes it come to life!
i could honestly see this happening to someone in real life and that makes me love it soooooooooooooooo much.
thank you for writing it! :)

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blueview

wrote 13 days ago

wow. at first i was all hyper to read, then i became a teensy bit skeptical about it moving too fast but by the end of the 15th chapter at the grease mark comment, i literally screamed a loud 'noooo!'
i read it all in two sittings and on the second one, i couldn't move away from the computer.
this is really good and im loving how Devin looks at Lilly as not just another fat girl. i hope you update soon :)

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teenficwriter

wrote 13 days ago

I started reading this and I love the story concept! I'd love to hear what happens! You do need to watch your slang though. and when you said in Chapter 15, "me and Jenny"? That definitely needs to be "Jenny and I". I'm kind of particular about where words should be. Anyway, Good job and keep writing!

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klummzie

wrote 13 days ago

Omg I read this whole thing unstop. Is that the end? Cause if it is then you left me wanting more. Boy did I love this. I love how Devin starts to fall for her!! But at the same time I felt so bad for him even though the situation calls for anger. This story is just epic I love it.

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unorigionalname

wrote 14 days ago

I like Lily because she's funny and vulnerable and relatable. What happened to her with those witches kicking her-well, I wanted to throw them in jail with a bunch of very scary women named Bertha or Lenore who will teach them all about large women.
I love Jenny, she's a wonderful little sister!
And I want to punch Devin in the face throughout the book because there is no way he can not hurt her. Although to be honest I would do worse for my family and when he's just the family guy I do like him.
Same kind of thing with the mom, she's setting up her daughter for heartbreak and yet she thinks she's trying to make her daughter happy.
It's a great piece, maybe not quite my thing, but it certainly hasn't stopped my reading!

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tercerita

wrote 14 days ago

Please post the rest! It's very addicting! It Needs to stayy in the top five!

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spacekitty

wrote 16 days ago

THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE READ SINCE HARRY POTTER HIT THE STANDS. :) Hahahaha Anyway i love lilly she is sweet, funny, humorus,and just plain awsome. also being "plus sized" my self i can compare and relate. Keep up the AWSOME work cant wait to read more.
_Kimmie_

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J.L. Penn

wrote 16 days ago

Nicely done! Couple of punctuation errors in your long pitch but it's very good! The short pitch is nice and concise, but intriguing. I dove into your first chapter and liked what I saw. Added to my picks. Kudos and best of luck! :)
-Jenn
Reunion

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lil_miss_gidget

wrote 16 days ago

I absolutely adore your story and I think it sucks that it's not higher up on the list of great-ness. So, I hope that my extra comment about the awesome-ness of your story helps give you that little bump to get you higher up on the list. btw, Congrats on getting all the way up to 5th. I really hope you get higher. Good luck

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They_Call_Her_Amphetamine

wrote 16 days ago

Wow. This is wonderful. Raw is the word that comes to mind. Please check out my stories? I'd like your input. You're great.

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ShekinahGlory

wrote 17 days ago

I agree! This definitely needs to stay in the top five, and when it gets published, I'm DEFINITELY going to buy myself a copy! Lilly is a very easy to relate to character. I for one, agree that ice cream can fix everything! She's hilarious, but I do have sympathy for her, all at the same time. You are a very good writer, and I am for sure adding this to my Picks List! I don't think I have any criticism, I'm sorry! i'm young and quite new to inkpop, and so I am not sure what to say. I read up to chapter seven, and I fell in love with the story. Very good job at keeping the storyline and thoughts realistic. I love the ideas and themes! Good job! :D

~ShekinahGlory

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Dinnertime

wrote 17 days ago

Wow, Lilly has such a strong, vivid voice! You've done of wonderful job in characterising her. She's easy to like, and her 'Lillyisms' are very funny, such as when she refers to 'skinny-girl cars'.

Pssst, I think the pitch gives too much away, but I love your storyline!! Very best wishes with this :-)

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BelieveItOrNot

wrote 17 days ago

I like the story so far, I can relate to the story. Growing up I was a chunky kid, luckily I lost the weight. Wonderful story.

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TwistofFate

wrote 18 days ago

this book is quite different from what i've read before.. and almost everyone can relate (maybe not with the overweightness but the feeling of longing for love)

this is great, this is freakin' great! :D
i love it

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Lauren Kreps

wrote 18 days ago

EVERYBODY PICK THIS!!! KEEP HER IN THE TOP 5!!!!! :-)

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Lauren Kreps

wrote 18 days ago

Okay I can't wait to read this!!! I am already done with the first chapter and can already tell I am going to love it! I can't wait to finish it :-) and read some of your other things as well! I will comment once I am done and probably between chapters as well!!!

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Alyssa06

wrote 18 days ago

omg i luv this book! it definitely held my interest, and i cant wait to read more. i luv both lilly and devin as characters and your writing is great. great job! :)

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Megh Devlin

wrote 18 days ago

Your characters are so great. That's always the thing that catches me in books, movies, shows, is the characters. I can do without plot, but the people I need! Except you have both. This is such a wonderful, creative plotline paired with faceted characters. Besides that, Lilly is relatable, Devin is great, and you've got quite a sense of humor :) I was laughing at Devin's description of Lucy. It was so, so perfect! If anything I guess there could be a little less outright comments like "I was never the same after that" and in the first chapter Lilly says something like she wasn't that subconscious about her weight. Do you maybe be self-conscious? I can imagine seeing this book in the hands of people everywhere :)

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NewMagicWeaver

wrote 18 days ago

I don't have a lot of time to read more of this at the moment, but so far chapter 1 is really good. the charactors are believable and realisitic, and the detail is very effective. i feel sorry for Lilly! i want to know what is going to happen next! i will be reading some more soon!!! =]

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Saya

wrote 19 days ago

I agree with Mr. Penn!! This should definitly stay in the top 5!! I've been wanting to read this and I finally did,,,, and I loved it!! Keep up the good work, I'll be looking for more books of yours!!

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kmross08

wrote 19 days ago

I absolutely LOVE this!! This really needs to be published already! I would buy it in a heartbeat! I'm very hooked I'm on chapter six and when I have free time I find myself coming back to this story and wanting to know more. And it started from chapter 1!! :) This is so well written and funny. I love how the characters have personality! Everything about it is amazing! Keep up the awesome work!! LOVE IT!!

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courtneywa

wrote 19 days ago

Okay, I've only read the first three chapters, but I'm sure I'm going to love it. Sure enough that I'm putting it on my picks. I absolutely love the characters, they're so round and relatable. I love them all. The plot line sounds wonderful and I haven't caught many mistakes. Anyway, I'm going to move stuff around on my picks so that I can hopefully help keep you in the top five, then since it's late I'm going to sleep and come back soon (hopefully) and finish it.
~Courtney

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amgoldrick

wrote 19 days ago

This is quite possibly my favorite work on inkpop right now!
I loved Lilly’s journal entry, especially the part about how ice cream can heal broken bones, “if applied directly to the skin.” Already, Lilly is my hero.
I know that her mom wants her to be happy and all, but its disgusting that she’s pushing Devin into this, especially with her comments like, “whether you want to be a man and take care of your family or not.” Seriously, it’s starting to get on my last nerve.
As for Devin, I think he should just tell Lilly what her mom did. I get that after ALL this time it wouldn’t turn out well anyway, but at this moment, there really is nothing he can do. And although he likes her, a lot, he should not take any money from her mother.
All of the characters are so amazing, the way you developed them all is awesome, even Renee, who we only see like twice, you feel a connection somehow. I can’t wait for you to update again.

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cara_ruegg

wrote 20 days ago

it should be "twenty-two-year-old"
"things you would have to pry from my cold, dead fingers" hahaha loved that line!
It's sad how her mother does not show her affection for her daughter besides by buying things. So far I'm liking this and it's good your character is plus-sized. I think a lot of bigger girls could look up to her when in this day at age even the girls on the front covers of books is skinny as a stick.

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Author S M Johnston

wrote 20 days ago

I didn’t have enough time last time I read this to give it the attention it deserves so I am back for more.

Firstly I want to say this is indeed a fantastic story. I enjoyed what I read a lot. However if you are serious about getting it published it needs to be just about perfect to get an agent or publisher to say yes.

If you don’t research and get your basic formatting right an agent/publisher will often ignore the submission (unless you are lucky enough to draw them in with a great hook – but why risk it). I have networked with a few agents and they have all been firm on this.

Don’t let this great story be passed over through lack of novel formatting research/knowledge.

Feedback is as I read through it (It is really nit picky feedback but please take it in the spirit it is given – I work in Corporate Communications and make a living editing work so a lot really jumps out at me that may not to other people):

It appears you are not double spacing between sentences – this is important formatting for the reader.

In her journal entry - spell out 1997.

Agree with ice-cream, hearts & heads heals them all. Then you could argue the calcium content helps with bones : )

I think ‘Speaking of which,’ would read better (after granny panties).

Did you have her signing her journal? Why would she sign her journal?

The grammar drove me crazy as it wasn’t consistent. Need to stick to the same tense all the way through – you swap regularly between past and present tense. I would recommend looking up a grammar guide for this.

Maybe I should go ahead and leave….not sure if you meant this to be her thoughts or not? If so italics.

In the narrative you only refer to Shannon (in this section) as she. It would be nice to call her by name at least once in this bit in the narrative as well.

With the exception of a few nuns….. love the humour.

When I got to ‘throw my big self around’ I found myself wondering just how big she is. Bridget Jones considered herself big – I didn’t think she was that big… or is she Shallow Hall big?

Back to life, back to reality! I found myself trying to place the song… Lose yourself? If so might be good to reference it as your reader will sing it in their heads too if they know it.

Enter Devin – I can see things happening here ; ) . Devin is a type of deli meat in Australia so his name sounds a bit funny to me…. And I keep thinking of Devlin, which was a character in a book my sister had when we were kids.

After reading chapter 2 I am not sure if this is best served as a YA book. I found myself wanting it to be a bit grittier and more grown up. But what is here is appropriate for the site.

I just notice Lilly’s last name as I was rechecking some headings…. “Oh Mr Sheffield!” (think it with that nasally Nanny voice).

I think it would be a good idea to include the character’s name under the chapter so we know who is narrating from the start. (even though the wearing a tie does make it obvious).

With first person narrative it can be hard but there are ways to avoid so many ‘I’s as the starting word for sentences and paragraphs.

After bailed out you have “Care to join me?” She asks – it should be she asked as although there is a ? not a , it is still considered part of the same sentence. Same with she growled, she huffed.

No my daughter ‘s – you have left a space so the mark is facing the wrong way.

The quotes really need to be looked at through…I am going to stop highlighting each one and focus on the story and flow.

It is in a great ‘chicklit’ formula so far for me – which is a good thing as people who like this style I find aren’t looking for huge twists and turns…. But still want originality – which this has so far.

Chapter 4 – I thought it would have gone back to Lilly’s voice by now. Not complaining just a comment.

Hyphenate half-ass (for descriptors a good rule of thumb is if they are need together to make sense then hyphenate them).

Money - $1.50 rather than spelling it out. You spell out one through to ten then 11 on has the numerical representation. For figure amounts, years and measurements/units (money is a unit) then it is the numerical representation.

Par 3 – seven sentences….five starting with ‘I’

A rich girl who doesn’t like expensive jewellery – this sounds like his thought as well, recommend italics.

After the compliment it either needs to be stammered or you need to something like t-t-thank for the e-e-eye comment as stuttering refers to the repeating of a sound in a word not stumbling over words.

Just started on chapter five and wondered… is this the first description of Devin? Doesn’t matter as it didn’t bother me… but I found myself wanting to go back and check……

Okay…… definitely now moving out of the YA genre for me (not complaining - just stating a fact).

Had to finish now as it is late and I have more reads to get through.

Again this was a great story, enjoyable to read. I hope the feedback was helpful and all the best with it.












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mleedancerr12

wrote 21 days ago

This story is so great, the pitch drew me in and once I started I couldn't stop. I read this for 2 hours straight. It's witty and funny where it needs to be, but still emotional at times. I love Lilly's character. I love how she's not your typical spoiled-brat rich girl. How she wants to work for everything and make a living on her own. And how, despite her weight, she's still pretty confident in herself. It made me really respect the character. The language made me laugh out loud at parts. Especially the whole naming your car thing, "Actually her names Lucy and she's a Camaro." Lol.

I can't wait to read more!
P.S The cover is cute :D

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bookwriter2

wrote 21 days ago

I am almost done with the first chapter and I like it so far but there is one problem that I have noticed: tenses. You seem to switch tenses from the beginning to the end. In the beginning you use present and then later on you use past. Some examples are using contraptions like "that's" and "it's". That is in present and then you go to walked and sat and all the past tense verbs. I would fix that because it is kind of confusing.

P.S.- don't worry about it, though, because I am really bad at being consistent too.

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chellybean12

wrote 21 days ago

I love this!!! im only on chapter 10 or 11 but its so fantastic!!!!! and I love Lilly!!!!!! Keep it up!!!

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Ann.H.V

wrote 21 days ago

Just wanted to drop a comment anyways, although I've just finished chapter 1. Freakin'ly awesome, I love your voice, love Lilly's voice, and honestly there are a lot of those humor books written in first person but this was the best I've read up here. Reminds me of...Meg Cabot. (and I'm a big fan) I'll give you longer crticism later but for sure this is going on my picks as soon as that 24 hour thingy wears off!
Hong Anh

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ashleyfletcher93

wrote 21 days ago

this is a heartwarming, hilarious story with just enough of everything!
I love how she talks about her spanx and how her fats gonna spill forth like frothy white volcano lava. I really thought I was going to fall in the floor I laughed so hard.
you are so creative!
I have only read one chapter but I plan on finishing it up.
I love the last like of the first chapter!
you can never go wrong with ben & jerrys and a bubble bath!
the humor, the title, the journal entry, the characters, the word choice..its all got me pulled in!
this better stay on the top five!

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Lycanthrope

wrote 22 days ago

Wow....
*Panics in supsence*

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celticdruidess

wrote 22 days ago

OMG!!!!!!! I ABSOULTLY L-O-V-E THIS!!!! I JUST PUT IT IN MY PICKS!!!!! PU-LEASE WRITE MORE!!

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Mandybeth

wrote 22 days ago

Wow, I can certainly see why this is in the top 5! Reminiscent of Bridget Jones, which is a good thing. It's so refreshing to read a story about a woman who is a bit on the heavier side, as so many novels (ESPECIALLY romance novels) tend to choose main characters who are super slim and super Mary Sue to the max. Lilly, from what I've read so far, is an entertaining MC with a great voice. I like Devin as well and like that you've chosen to give him some narration too. It's always nice to get perspectives from both leads, as opposed to just one.

The only thing is that I noticed a few areas where you switch from past to present tense - in the first chapter after the journal entry, and again in chapter two, near the end when Devin is thinking, "We finally made it to her room and I realize at this point..." I'm thinking that "realize" should be in the past tense. But other than that, this is very well written. Good luck!

On my Picks. :)

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