HarperCollins

wrote

ON THE PLUS SIDE was a fun and refreshing read. You've got an entertaining set-up and the potential for some real heat! I have some suggestions for revisions that could make your story even better.

First, the way you introduce your characters involves quite a bit of "tell and not show." You've got Lilly telling us all about herself: "I'm the kind of person who likes to do things for myself. I want to work for anything that I acquire in my life. For instance, I love my car, not because it's the greatest car ever, but because I paid for it with my own money…" Next page: "I don't see the need to make my life less abnormal than it already is by being flashy with cash that I honestly didn't really want to begin with. I'm twenty-two years old, almost twenty-three, and I have never had a normal life…" Right there, that's a lot of "telling," and those aren't the only instances. At the same time, the reader isn't totally convinced by Lilly's assertions. Why does she want to do everything for herself? Why is she so insistent on having a job and an old car when she's got so much money in the bank? Also, if she's worked for four years, that means she's never been to college—why not? Surely her meddlesome mama would have insisted?  So at the same time that you need to pull back on the narrated expositions, you also need to think about how to work the real back story and character illumination into the text in a more organic way. Seeing Lilly in other situations or interacting with additional characters, rather than relying on narrative passages to the reader, might be one way to accomplish this. I loved reading about Game Night with Lilly's friends (though I also found myself wondering how she met them, since her world otherwise seems somewhat insular—she's both friends/roommates and coworkers with Shannon, for example).

Lilly's narration also doesn't always match up. Lilly insists that she's content with her life and completely happy with herself, but she also says that her life sucks (in the journal prologue) and she talks about herself in ways that seem to be almost damagingly self-deprecating—joking about cramming herself into a skinny-girl car, for example, or "Guess who gets to play squeeze the fat girl in the tiny booth today?" Is Lilly comfortable with herself, or does she secretly yearn to be someone else, to be different? I didn't have a totally clear visual picture of Lilly, either—she calls herself fat, but when Devin meets her he seems to think of her as chunky, which to me has a different meaning. As you clarify for yourself and the reader who Lilly is, it would be great to find a strategic way to let the reader picture Lilly (without adding a paragraph in which Lilly describes herself—see above where I talk about "tell vs. show"). Lilly seems like a gorgeous girl in addition to her smarts—I loved the way Devin described her appealing scent, for example. From the first 10,000 words, it seems like Lilly's quest to love herself is definitely going to be a part of the story arc, which is wonderful.

When I met Devin, I found myself disliking him, especially because of the way that he treats Renee. I'm sure that Devin's growth as a character is going to be part of what gives the story depth, but we need to see something about him that enables us to like him or think we could like him--to be interested in him in some way. Maybe if we could actually meet Jenny and see his relationship with her and that through Jenny's eyes he can be a better guy? Again, I'm going off the first 10,000 words of the story, so perhaps we do meet Jenny later on, but I'm feeling like we need something to make us like Devin a bit earlier. Perhaps his relationship with his dad could be deepened, too, so that we feel more acutely Devin's desire to save his father's business. It's okay for him not to be a saint—especially since his character growth is going to constitute so much of the story—but it would be great to look at his devilish traits in the early chapters and pinpoint a way to make the reader feel more strongly that there's something good there "if you care to dig for it," as the saying goes.

With this kind of enrichment, I feel your story will take a great leap. I enjoyed the Southern setting and the sassiness of your writing. Although I was not able to read the full piece, I did find myself skipping ahead because I wanted to find out what would happen, which is a great sign! I wish you the very best of luck and look forward to seeing where you take your story!

Herald Angus Penn

wrote 198 days ago

THIS NEEDS TO STAY IN THE TOP FIVE!
I've got a big ego, and I didn't expect to come to this site and feel jealous of anyone, but you've accomplished that -- so congrats! I am so fricken' jealous of you and this story. You need to stay in the top five because you deserve it. In fact, this should be #1. It's easily the best I've read on this site. Your confidence as a writer is put on a magnifent showcase here with Lily and her witty yet emotional, self-deprivating yet still confident, sarcastic yet not obnoxious voice. What you did here is nothing short of remarkable. The voice carries this story. The story isn't something I'd be usually drawn to, but you can write in Lily's voice about a chess game and I'd be glued to the page. I laughed out loud a number of times simply from the choice of language alone. It's an uplifting story too and one that I can see girls and women falling for. Again, congrats for making me jealous. :P
-H.A
Author of "Arthur and the Washing Machine That Ate Him"

Exiled_Muse

wrote 199 days ago

I remember the first time this was uploaded onto inkpop. From the long pitch, I was drawn to Lilly. She reminded me so much of Meg Cabot's series about Heather Wells, but with far more emotion and that touch of humor that had me rolling on the floor when she commented on Spanx. If my laptop could stare at me, it would have thought I was a raving lunatic when I read "every fat roll I own would spill forth like frothy white volcano lava" and shook with laughter.

Lilly's entry in her journal pulled me in from the very beginning, catching my attention with the concerns she has and her thoughts on what she holds important in her life. Granted, I may not be loaded or plus size, but the way she spoke, her personality was easy to relate to, the way she wrote in her journal reminds me of how I like to rant and rave in mine. Regardless of size, stature, or even gender, Lilly's method of dealing with her world is something I feel that a lot of people can relate to. Ice cream, a journal. Bliss.

I did notice a change in tenses after the initial section where Lilly snaps her journal shut, but other than that, I can't find anything inherently wrong with the grammar yet. While you do change back and forth between past and present tense, it's nice to see you stay in one tense for some time before switching back as opposed to changing everything sentence. However, I think it needs to be decided which tense the book should be written in during the editing process. =/ Sorry, tenses bother me.

The contrast between her mom and grandmother made me wish that Lilly's grandmother was still alive. I feel like she would have been a feisty character in addition to Lilly's humor and outlook on life. Her meeting with her mother was a good way of introducing the contrast between the two characters, while both are rich, Lilly prefers to stay grounded in life as opposed to her mother, who seems a bit frivolous. The thoughts and the little quirks like ordering lattes makes Lilly seem more realistic instead of simply a character out of a book.

Oh man, when I read Devin's description of his car. *shakes head* Makes me think of all the guys I know who love their bikes or have obsessions with some sort of piece of technology. His mom walking out on his family, his dad who drinks and now the threat of the loans - they all contribute so much to his character, his attitude on life. I feel like because of all the things that he's gone through, the way he views Renee is understandable. It's not the best outlook, but a reformed rake/womanizer is my favorite kind of character. =D

"There had to be a way, there was always a way." The way that chapter ended was so nicely set up for what would happen next. Omigosh, eye rape, assault. Devin will be the death of me. haha. And Lilly's mom. Wow. I totally did not expect that temper out of her, especially when she was so swooshy in the beginning. I love how she can hide her real nature behind the proper facade of being rich and well spoken and polite.

>_< oimgoshii. Okay, that wasn't a real word but >_< Devin and the way he describe Lilly, gaaaaaah, "this was my Lilly." I know he's being paid and I know he can be a big fat butthead but >_< that was just so adorable and sweet. I love how he finds things to like about her even through his reluctance. Is it that bad of me to wish that they would just hurry up and get together despite how much fun all the events leading up to the end can be? There was a bit of repetition when Lilly says "knocks out this side of the case." So perhaps rewording one of those phrases to something similar would be nice. "That's not funny, punk." =D That's like one of my favorite phrases. ^_^ I use it on my brother and guy friends a lot and it just made Lilly's personality come out more.

Men are so stupid. =.= But that's why I love Devin, how he got disconcerted when Lilly was so on the mark. The way you show how perceptive she is, her description of Devin - it's everything I wish I had to the confidence to say sometimes. It's refreshing to see Lilly as being confident in herself in terms of speaking her mind, even if she doesn't feel that Devin would be interested in her. Granted... he isn't... yet. =D

Mmm, romance, chick lit, humor and deception. My biggest mistake was in never commenting before now, and as much as I would love to continue with my rambling fangirliness, I'll stop and just read. ^_^ This is sweet and funny, the characters and their personalities (Lilly, her mother, Devin), I couldn't ask for any more.

Sila

wrote 249 days ago

I really enjoyed this book. It's funny, witty, quirky, and very well executed. The writing is amazing and the voice you lend to Lilly fleshes her out so nicely. As someone who isn't big on chick lit, I was really impressed with piece and fell in love with the story. I'm so excited for the next update! Please let me know when you do =)

Cheers!

-sila

IsisRose

wrote 8 days ago

OMG, this is magnificent! The entire plot is amazing, and if you don't update I'll be forced to re-read stuff. Until then, on my picks!

Lynette

wrote 57 days ago

I enjoyed reading this and am so anxious for the remaining chapters. I have a feeling that Lily will find out about Devin and her mother, I mean It's bound to happen right? I love Devin, he's a great character and you've done a great job to show that he's not just some shallow bum who is only doing this for the money but because he also kinda/really enjoys Lily's presence to the point where he might like her. LOVE IT. I just hope you can one day (hopefully REALLY SOON) update this because I really loved reading this.

cokeacola007

wrote 69 days ago

I really like On The Plus Side. It's a fun and refreshing story for overweight girls--and young woman--who believe they will never be loved, or will never find love.
I myself am overweight. I am around five feet five inches tall, weigh 180-190 lbs. (depending on how much I eat), and I am going to be 12 pretty soon. So, I really liked this story--you don't see many books based on a "fat" girl. Well, I may be fat, but I'm also "phat." I think.
Anyways, thank you for writing an amazing book that will truly be on my picks list. : )

cortez

wrote 104 days ago

i need more! lol

Crazy BlueRose

wrote 121 days ago

I absolutely love this story!! It's amazing; the characters, the plot, the whole idea is amazing. Great Job! Hope to read more of your works later in life.

sgtsaba

wrote 135 days ago

Such a cute story I hope you continue it

cassi317

wrote 136 days ago

I love this story its very insightful. Great job I hope you keep uploading

free.love

wrote 148 days ago

xChocolateKissesx

wrote 150 days ago

update. please.

greenpanda

wrote 150 days ago

SECOND TIME READING THIS!!!!!
UPDATE PLEASE :)

JB

wrote 157 days ago

JB

wrote 157 days ago

JB

wrote 157 days ago

greenpanda

wrote 157 days ago

i can't get enough of this book update please!!!!

gogogrl

wrote 157 days ago

Omgomgomgomgomg!!!!! I freaking love this book! This is soooo amazing. I am so mad that it ended. I started this today, well actually i guess it was yesterday since its like 1:26 am but yeah and i couldn't put it down, thats how hooked you had me. Its a good thing im on spring break right now or i would be so tired. Anyway i loooove Lily i think she is amazing and i love how outspoken she is. I think what Matt did to her was really sleazy :(. And he deserved everything and so much more of what Devin did. I cant wait for the next update of this.

Jan

greenpanda

wrote 157 days ago

This book is sooo good im seriously going to tell all my friends about it! i love the characters, i really like lilly, i love her personality shes someone i would like to hang out with. And her friends are hilarious, i would totally by this book and reread it like every month.

B.E Garnette

wrote 161 days ago

Rainydaydollar

wrote 161 days ago

Sounds like a good book!

WendySue

wrote 161 days ago

I love Lilly. I like to be in her thoughts. Usually, I don't like to hear a bunch of informational telling in the first chapter, but when it's told in Lilly's voice, it's very entertaining. :) I like it that she is so real. Her longing for love makes you just want it for her so bad!!! I love it that she is so down-to-earth, while her mom and g-mom are not. It's a great contrast. My favorite detail was the fact that she loved her vehicle because she bought it herself. I know that feeling! You don't care if it's a piece of poo. :) Yay for chic-lit!
As far as a critique, there were only two things that stood out to me. In the first paragraph, she sounds almost childlike, but that's the only place where it feels like that. The other thing is that there are quite a few sentences that need commas in them so that they're not run-ons. Otherwise, lovely writing.
Take care,
Wendy (Angel Prophecy)

hippyhugger92

wrote 172 days ago

i love this soo much. ive reread the whole thing probably 100 times and love it more everytime. what i dont love is not knowing what happens ahhh. :) so uh when does this come to the book shelves bud? lol!

Rdmarine

wrote 174 days ago

Ok Tabs...I joined and added you. Wow...I love this book. So because I'm your #1 fan and your best bud I get the first autographed copy...well after Ashlynn...right?? So can't wait for more to come. LOVES YOU!!!~~Rachael~~

Mrs.Blanc

wrote 174 days ago

nice

AlliBee

wrote 174 days ago

I AM SOOOO PICKING THIS!!!!! I forgot where I was last time I started it, so I re-read some parts, and keeps on getting better and better. You have great character development and an amazing plot line. I'm on chapter 6 right now, and I can't beleive this isn't published...
Would you mind reading Impossible Odds? Thanks! Great job!

SammySays

wrote 179 days ago

Fifteen chapters in less than two hours, (:
Basically I wanted to tell you I'm hooked! I absolutely adore this story to bits! So please update when you get the chance! (Hopefully sooner, rather than later)
I like how you showed the transition in Devin’s attitude towards Lilly, it flowed nicely it wasn’t too quickly, just right.
Your writing is wonderful, I love it. You make Lilly and Devin seem like REAL people, not characters.
I just wanted to let you know that you had me wanting to cry when Devin didn’t call her like he said he would. Then you had me grinning like fool and wanting to shout “I KNEW IT!” when Devin got all ‘jealous boyfriend’ on Matt.
I will definitely be reading this over and over again, it’s just that awesome.

Till next time
-Samantha

DriaDay

wrote 180 days ago

Gah. I feel like I should leave some massively long message about how FREAKISHLY AWESOME this story is but I am SERIOUSLY at a loss for words! And anyone who knows me can tell you, Me+Speechless=Rarer than lime green pigs flying across Phoenix! I love Lilly! She's so...real! Unlike almost every character you see, she's got -weight- on her! And she's frequently embarrassed and gets caught up in emotions and is just awkward! She's just awesome! And Devin, oh my! He's just a character you want to make real and steal! You're a FANTASTICAL writer who has a knack for reeling girls in with delicious boys and REAL characters. Guess I wasn't so speechless after all!

Elaine 'Laney' Obi

wrote 184 days ago

I just finished everything you have up so far...and I must say it is wonderful! Beyond wonderful! I love it! It's witty, sarcastic, sexy, and just terrific! I love that's she's plus size and not one of those annoying stick thin girls who get it all(i'm plus size and proud of it so I totally relate!) and she comes from South Carolina and everyone knows the south is the greatest place on earth! (Ok, I'm gonna admit I'm alittle biased because I am a true southern gal, from South Carolina. Go Carolina Girls!) I can't wait to read more, and great job on the writing! And great job on getting into the top picks! :)
~Laney

Vargot

wrote 184 days ago

I'm working on it right at this very moment! It's coming I promise!

chellybean12

wrote 184 days ago

when will u update this?!?!?!?! I am like...dying for more!!!!

TreeSpirit

wrote 184 days ago

omg sooooooooooo good I love it! do you want to read the series of short stories that I wrote...if so, don't forget to read them in order and comment!

Katrina Santillan

wrote 184 days ago

OMG!!! when are you gonna update this??!!
im sooo hooked!
i cant wait for the next chapters to be posted!
can you please lemme kno when you've updated this...

Just Listen <3

wrote 185 days ago

I just finished this right now and it was amazing!
Lilly's wit is genius. Her humor serves to reflect her character which really, is extremely determined despite all she's been through.
And I loved the fact that Devin isn't perfect but he's becoming a better guy because of Lilly.
Can't wait to read more :)

WaterJenny

wrote 185 days ago

CONGRATS ON THE (FINALLY) TOP PICK!

KarmaRevolution

wrote 186 days ago

This story is wonderful so far, I have only read into the first chapter, but already I can see much potential in it. The only thing I had to comment on was the narration, who is she talking to? I realize in the beginning she is writing in a journal, so she is speaking to her diary, and in turn herself, but after she seems to be speaking to someone specifically. Just something I noticed, because obviously for the clarity of the story justification and elaborate explanation from the character like this is needed and useful, but she actually speaks as if there is a person in mind, saying things like "Since we are being honest" etc. Perhaps I would know more by reading more but thought I would comment. I love her wry sense of humor though, I love her commentary on her own weight as well, because she accepts it, she does not love it, but she finds a way to play with it into her personality. It is a wonderful character trait.

Jesse

pewterfaille003

wrote 186 days ago

...."I said sarcastically".

You could change it to: I said, rolling my eyes. It still gets the message across that that obviously, Lilly is using sarcasm. I mean, it sounds just as wrong to say: "Gee, thanks, Mom," I said unappreciatively.
Or: "Pass this to Sarah," She said surreptitiously.

I am guilty of this for sure! I am constantly reprimanded by my teachers of this! xD But Adverbs sometimes can be our enemies when we try to get the point across. Sometimes a simple "said" or "retorted" is all we need. :) I LOVE YOUR BOOK. POST MORE. PLEASE.

CharmedNatalie

wrote 186 days ago

Go Tabatha we support you 100%. Come on number 5! Pick this people. It's wonderful.

Tiger

wrote 186 days ago

I hope to see this stay in the top five. Good luck and congrats!

Adamsgirl123

wrote 186 days ago

Alright number 5..........7 more hours vargot!!!! Oops she did it again. This is so exciting!

sweethang311

wrote 187 days ago

Wow!! On The Plus Side is absolutely amazing. I read the first 15 chapters in one sitting. I didn't feel like I was reading a story, I could see it all play out. You are an amazing writer and deserve to be in the top 5!!

jessisay

wrote 187 days ago

I know you're super busy, but if you have time, could you glance at some of my writing? I'd really appreciate any input you could give me --it means a lot!

<3 Jess

Gabriela V

wrote 187 days ago

this HAS to stay in the top five-ive only read the first chapter and im in love with it.
its witty.
its deep.
the flow is natural and lillys look on life makes it come to life!
i could honestly see this happening to someone in real life and that makes me love it soooooooooooooooo much.
thank you for writing it! :)

blueview

wrote 188 days ago

wow. at first i was all hyper to read, then i became a teensy bit skeptical about it moving too fast but by the end of the 15th chapter at the grease mark comment, i literally screamed a loud 'noooo!'
i read it all in two sittings and on the second one, i couldn't move away from the computer.
this is really good and im loving how Devin looks at Lilly as not just another fat girl. i hope you update soon :)

teenficwriter

wrote 189 days ago

I started reading this and I love the story concept! I'd love to hear what happens! You do need to watch your slang though. and when you said in Chapter 15, "me and Jenny"? That definitely needs to be "Jenny and I". I'm kind of particular about where words should be. Anyway, Good job and keep writing!

klummzie

wrote 189 days ago

Omg I read this whole thing unstop. Is that the end? Cause if it is then you left me wanting more. Boy did I love this. I love how Devin starts to fall for her!! But at the same time I felt so bad for him even though the situation calls for anger. This story is just epic I love it.

unorigionalname

wrote 189 days ago

I like Lily because she's funny and vulnerable and relatable. What happened to her with those witches kicking her-well, I wanted to throw them in jail with a bunch of very scary women named Bertha or Lenore who will teach them all about large women.
I love Jenny, she's a wonderful little sister!
And I want to punch Devin in the face throughout the book because there is no way he can not hurt her. Although to be honest I would do worse for my family and when he's just the family guy I do like him.
Same kind of thing with the mom, she's setting up her daughter for heartbreak and yet she thinks she's trying to make her daughter happy.
It's a great piece, maybe not quite my thing, but it certainly hasn't stopped my reading!

tercerita

wrote 189 days ago

Please post the rest! It's very addicting! It Needs to stayy in the top five!

spacekitty

wrote 191 days ago

THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE READ SINCE HARRY POTTER HIT THE STANDS. :) Hahahaha Anyway i love lilly she is sweet, funny, humorus,and just plain awsome. also being "plus sized" my self i can compare and relate. Keep up the AWSOME work cant wait to read more.
_Kimmie_

J.L. Penn

wrote 191 days ago

Nicely done! Couple of punctuation errors in your long pitch but it's very good! The short pitch is nice and concise, but intriguing. I dove into your first chapter and liked what I saw. Added to my picks. Kudos and best of luck! :)
-Jenn
Reunion

lil_miss_gidget

wrote 191 days ago

I absolutely adore your story and I think it sucks that it's not higher up on the list of great-ness. So, I hope that my extra comment about the awesome-ness of your story helps give you that little bump to get you higher up on the list. btw, Congrats on getting all the way up to 5th. I really hope you get higher. Good luck

They_Call_Her_Amphetamine

wrote 191 days ago

Wow. This is wonderful. Raw is the word that comes to mind. Please check out my stories? I'd like your input. You're great.

ShekinahGlory

wrote 192 days ago

I agree! This definitely needs to stay in the top five, and when it gets published, I'm DEFINITELY going to buy myself a copy! Lilly is a very easy to relate to character. I for one, agree that ice cream can fix everything! She's hilarious, but I do have sympathy for her, all at the same time. You are a very good writer, and I am for sure adding this to my Picks List! I don't think I have any criticism, I'm sorry! i'm young and quite new to inkpop, and so I am not sure what to say. I read up to chapter seven, and I fell in love with the story. Very good job at keeping the storyline and thoughts realistic. I love the ideas and themes! Good job! :D

~ShekinahGlory