carpe.noctom10

wrote 211 days ago

Hellllo! =] I'm very excited to finally have the story up! I would have had it sooner if it were not for the blasted dial-up at my house. (Curse dial-up!!) Anywho, I know the story may be a bit slow to begin with, but it speeds up soon! Please feel free to critique and leave comments, anything helps. Thanks!!!

Rukshanthi.J

wrote 22 days ago

This is amazing, and you should update it soon:)
I loved this whole thing, and it didn't seem at all like Twilight, or some other vampire story I've read!
You should continue writing it!

peterpanwuvr

wrote 59 days ago

I've only read 5 chapters and am already captivated by this story! I almost cried when Hayley was explaining the whole story wiht her mom and grandma. This is exceptional and you should get this published as soon as possible!
Peterpanwuvr

peterpanwuvr

wrote 59 days ago

I've only read 5 chapters and am already captivated by this story! I almost cried when Hayley was explaining the whole story wiht her mom and grandma. This is exceptional and you should get this published as soon as possible!
Peterpanwuvr

Ndeye Fatou Diop

wrote 122 days ago

writerwitch

wrote 146 days ago

Hello, E! I have finished the eight chapters! I'm not going to give you a dissection like I did before because that would take way too long, so it'll just be a summary of major points.

There are two main problems I have with your story. First of all, you really need to tone down on the physical attractiveness Hayley has for Rurik (and vice versa), because it becomes monotonous and tedious to read. There's way too much emphasis on physicality in this story, and not enough on personality and plot. I mentioned this before, but you only really need to describe someone once for readers to get it. I'm assuming you've read "Twilight" (considering you mention it in your summary,) and, to be honest, Meyer had this problem as well. She was so focused on Edward's physical appeal to readers that she neglected other important parts, like plot. :) I don't want this same fate to happen to you. Just focus on plot, my dear!

Another thing you might want to look into is getting someone (like a beta) to read over your work before you publish it. There are quite a few grammatical and spelling errors ("shelve" = shelf; "it's" = its; "every second seeming like an eternity" = fragment, should be "every second seemed like an eternity"), but these can easily be fixed if you get someone to look over your work. They can also help you eliminate cheesy and melodramatic lines (such as "kilowatt smile" and "barked" instead of "arfed" [b/c "arfed" is not a word]) and help you with your dialogue punctuation (ie. "I giggled. 'blah blah'" instead of "I giggled, 'blah blah'"). I'm not forcing you to do this, it just might be a good idea for what stage you are at in your writing. Getting someone who has a bit more experience to assist you really helps you to improve. I have a beta, and she's helped me so much that I can see the difference from my writing six months ago to now. And from when I first started to now is like NIGHT AND DAY. Just think about it ;)

I really did enjoy the discription of the painting, though. I thought it was done beautifully. :D Anyway, that's it for now. Hope it helps!

Cheers - AJ

MagicPencil

wrote 156 days ago

in reference to chapter one:
"amor fidelis" means "faithful love."
"amor verus" means "true love," and might be the phrase you are looking for.
~(love the latin nerd)

writerwitch

wrote 159 days ago

Hey there! I had to comment on the first two (prologue & one) before I finished, mainly b/c prophecies, historical references, and dreams can be tricky to write well. First, I REALLY like your title -- "Entwined" -- beautiful! Now, do not be alarmed with my review; it is extensive, but I wanted to give you the best feedback I could :)

1. Prologue:
I thought this was a good start -- your historical facts and back-story are very well thought out and intriguing. I especially enjoyed your original take on the "science" and "genetics" of vampirism. Brilliant. There were a few things that you could improve though and it will be quicker (possibly less painless as well) if I bullet them...
-- You use a lot of unnecessary adverbs (ie. "...deliberately slid the sharp..."; "...hastily retrieving it..."; "...instantaneously what had happened.") that make your sentences sound a bit wordy.
-- "20 mile radius" should be "twenty mile radius" - always use words for numerals, unless it's a year (ie. 1998).
-- I found "the reason being the happiness her sons had given her" a very awkward phrase. You could simply take this out and it would sound better.
-- In the "personality paragraph" (ie. "Anastasia loved...angered easily"), your sentence flow is very choppy. Try lengthening your sentences a bit, and mix it up with complex and simple sentences.
-- You repeat "disagree" three times in one sentence: "it was one...disagreed passionately"
-- And (this is just my little suggestion) if you switch the groups "Diems" and "Noctoms" for the brothers, it would make more sense with their personalities (as per your personality paragraph at the beginning - Gabriel = Dark, brooding; Lucis = light, airy).
Also, this whole prologue is well thought out, but you do "TELL" a lot more than you "SHOW" things happening. I think maybe (because I do this as well) it comes out this way because all these ideas are running around in your head, and you simply just want to make sure you get them all out. That's fine. But you need to watch out for it, because readers like you "showing" them what happens more than bonking them over the head with the info. :) It also adds more dramatics and emphasis to the prophecy at the end IF that prophecy is the ONLY thing you "tell."

2. One (I'll try being quick!)
-- There's a heckuva lot of description about the dress in this chapter, and I really didn't see the significance of it. Generally, you should only describe clothing, items, etc. to that much detail if it's imperative to the story. (Perhaps it is later, I haven't got that far, but right now it really doesn't seem like it.) Otherwise, its just a lot of wasted words when you could be describing something important. :)
-- Little nit-picky punctuation: '"...frighten you." His voice...' (Period. Not a comma.)
-- This quote is a little melodramatic: "He was so stunning, it hurt to look." I suggest you chop it.
There's also a LOT of emphasis on the man's beauty in this dream. I know, personally, when I'm dreaming, I don't really focus on people and their looks much -- they're all rather blurry and I hardly ever remember them. I'm more focused on the events and where I am. Hayley doesn't seem to do that much. I was more interested in where she was and the idea of the man being a threat than his looks. HOWEVER, I know you needed to describe him a little so we get the jist that he's a vampire... but the impending bite at the end sort of does that for us. It would be more realistic, and suspenseful, if we didn't know he was stunningly beautiful before he tries to bite her. You can make a point that he's handsome, just don't over do it.

Whew! I hope that helps, and it wasn't too harsh! I'm really enjoying the concept though, I shall continue reading!

Rasheeda S Boo

wrote 159 days ago

Wow! I am totally enthralled! This is such a breath of fresh air from all the other dull stories I've read! Keep it up! :)

Mythicagirl

wrote 162 days ago

I think your mythology is very good and you're a wonderful story teller. However, on the first page you're telling too much and not showing enough. The scene with the mother feeding the twins imho was strong enough, so strong that you don't need to tell the reader everything (like how this was the way vampires came into existence. Otherwise why pick up the book and read any further? When I complete your story I'll comment a bit more, but I'm really enjoying how you are weaving your fantasy.

emo_skittlez123

wrote 162 days ago

WOW!!!
i absolutly LOVE LOVE this!
its so going on my picks!
please please send me updates as to when you make updates to itt!
pretty please with sugar on top and a cherry!
with love-
-liv(: !
xoxo

emo_skittlez123

wrote 162 days ago

WOW!!!
i absolutly LOVE LOVE this!
its so going on my picks!
please please send me updates as to when you make updates to itt!
pretty please with sugar on top and a cherry!
with love-
-liv(: !
xoxo

!books!

wrote 166 days ago

I like your characters. They make me laugh because some of the mundane things that they do are the same things I do. I only read the first three chapters, but I am definitely hooked!

brokenbone95

wrote 176 days ago

OMG! I'm hooked!!!!!!!!!!! :D Awesome job! This is totally going on my picks! :D

kissofjade

wrote 179 days ago

i love it!!!!! this is great. i love how you gave us a background on how it all got started. im kinda jealous really lol. i havent even thought about how the vamps in my story came to be. i havent finished your story yet but i will. keep up the great work.

DD

wrote 182 days ago

so far i really like it

i'm going to have to read through it again to find errors. i did note a few errors in spacing and minor issues with grammar

DD

wrote 185 days ago

I've added you to my WL

By the way thanks for the hillarious invite to swap
funny!
d;

blond-but-black

wrote 186 days ago

I don't like books like Twilight, Vampire Diaries and whatetever else there is in the field of vampires, but this was an exception. Really, really good!

isabella2296

wrote 187 days ago

I just read the prophecy, and this was great! I love your writing style and the way your story flows. If I had to critique, I'd just say that you offered a scientific explanation (with the genes), but you didn't carry it out throughout the rest (like, how do you explain the turning other people into vampires?) My suggestion is to just remove that little part. Otherwise, I loved this!

hollycat

wrote 190 days ago

Lol this is weirdd our stories have a few things in common :P
the dreams and dreaming about the boy XD
great minds obviously think alike

hollycat

wrote 190 days ago

WOOWWWW ive only read the first chapter I am captivated O_O i love love love your story on how vampires came to be, i could definitely believe it, it was just amazing, you obviously have a very amazing imagination, Im going to read on now and add to this P:

lilpoet222

wrote 191 days ago

I cannot tell you how much I hate hate hate vampire stories...except this one...This one is different. I planned to read maybe a paragraph or two and comment, but then I read the first chapter. This is great! I love how you start it and pull the reader in. This is going on my picks list.

cyc

wrote 193 days ago

I love the updates. Your descriptions are really beautiful, especially that painting by Rurik.
It's also fun to see Hayley discovering the different objects in the attic.

Can't wait to see more :)

Flyingonherown2wings

wrote 194 days ago

So since you very upset about the fact that I wasn't going to leave a comment until this whole book was done I shall leave you a comment. My comment is that I am very very mad that all these people on here get to read this whole book before I get my copy. I have been waiting like two years to get a copy of this book and you go and post it on the web. That is my comment to you :(
Love,
Your Guinea Pig

cyc

wrote 197 days ago

by the way, i'm adding this to my picks :)

cyc

wrote 197 days ago

Your prologue really drew me in as I read about how the vampires originated. It’s different. Their mother wanted her babies to survive through her blood. I love how there’s this rivalry between the brothers over a girl. (Looks like this will repeat itself in the future.) This love triangle kinda reminds me of L.J. Smith’s VAMPIRE DIARIES series.

You have very beautiful descriptions in your book including Hayley, Rurik, the piano, and the dreams. All your dreams are very colorful and beautiful.

I gotta say that I love the story of how Hayley and Emery became friends. That’s sweet of Emery when the other kids bothered Hayley.

I can’t wait to see what happens next, her relationship with Rurik, and her first meeting with Jarek.

Sarah Jane Wilkinson

wrote 198 days ago

Woahhh
The vampire twist was amazing; vampire are always seen as being demonic beings and started off because of the Devil. I loved how it was really because of love, but then went wrong because they accidentially killed their love. (Very symbolic) xD Watchlist!

Riannas Mom

wrote 200 days ago

I finished the first chapter, and I put you on my watch list. I like it so far. I will pick back up in the morning. Very interesting.....

angelscarlet

wrote 204 days ago

Okay, let me tell you that this story is amazing!!! I loved reading every minute of it!! Except that I noticed that chapter five was really choppy. Maybe that was just the way it was put up. It made it hard to read though and I almost wanted to stop. It got a little confusing because the blank spots and then the continuation of the sentence or just the start of another one. Your characters are well developed, though I would like to see more of Hayley's personality and Rurik's as well. I'm waiting to read about Jarek as well. It's definitely different and I think it's a very good story. I love that you write the dreams that Hayley has and you describe them. It give us an insight into what she sees, instead of just saying she dreamed of Rurik again. I think that this will probably wind up on my pick list later!! I'm glad that I read this!! Good luck with your writing and message me when you add more please!!

MIC

wrote 205 days ago

You definitely have talent!!!!

I loved the history, before getting into Haley's story ...

"With the same girl, Anastasia'---this was a good moment!

"In the brothers blind rage, they accidentally killed their beloved."---OH! This killed me!

Love the prophecy to end the Evers' War ... excited to see how this plays out!

"his prominent cheekbones could have made a Calvin Klein model jealous"---hah! great!

"I'm not this 'Tossa-lot-a-cheek' girl you're looking for'---nice!

"My frantic heart jerked in my chest"--good!

"And then I woke up"---good--I was curious at this point, because everything seemed in the past, and I wondered how
this girl would know about Calvin Klein, but now it makes sense!!!!

Crazy history with the mom ... talk about dysfunction!!!

"My partner in crime, Emery"---loved this!

"I saw the gears in her head slowly clicking together"----nice

ooo ... the scars are intriguing ... car crash my foot!

Love the song she composed ...

"(minus the tux)"---loved that!

Loved the piano scene ... "I was just doing the spongebob them, when--"---hah! So funny!

Haley's a great MC ... love her voice. I enjoyed the story, particularly the history part with how
vampires were created ... the only hard part was how it was formated--all bunched together, but I'm sure
that's not what you intended!!! Bravo! I love this!!! ~Morgan :)

photosnapper

wrote 209 days ago

Wow! Going on my watch list! Can't wait to finish reading this!!!

vulcan icarus

wrote 211 days ago

Hey there! I'm so glad this is up here at last!
Looking good so far, I just finished the Prophecy. About to read the rest.
One thing, though-- near the end, with the prophecy, you switch tenses. Try to keep it in the past tense.
Cassi

carpe.noctom10

wrote 211 days ago

Hellllo! =] I'm very excited to finally have the story up! I would have had it sooner if it were not for the blasted dial-up at my house. (Curse dial-up!!) Anywho, I know the story may be a bit slow to begin with, but it speeds up soon! Please feel free to critique and leave comments, anything helps. Thanks!!!