inkpop: The Online Community of Rising Stars in Teen Lit

Book Jacket

Editors Picktop pick

Word Count

32952

Date submitted

01.03.2010

Date Updated

04.28.2010

The Connotations of Butterflies

by Drowning.Silently.

Book: General Fiction, Romance, Horror

“We’re all animals on the inside. It just takes an instigator to show them all.”
One boys’ self corruption. One girl struggling to hold on.

Jack Wynter had no-one but the rooftops of Chicago to talk and cling to throughout his childhood. He used the very cities walls he would later destroy as his own shield from the outside world.
Though one day he meets a young outgoing girl, Kaitlyn Skye, and something develops between them.

Jack defines the relationship with fear and anxiety too frightened to let anyone close. But there’s something hidden beneath those golden eyes, something Kaitlyn fears, something that draws her nearer to him with each passing day that they spend in each other’s arms.

Kaitlyn’s outlook on life is simple and self-satisfying. However, through Jack Wynter’s obvious trauma she slowly comes to grips with the fact that life can be cruel.
While Jack pushes himself into self-loathing and mutilation, Kaitlyn Skye struggles to hold on. Hold on to Jack. Try to communicate the understanding of love to a young boy whose views have been so corrupted by years of trauma and abuse.

The question is: Will he accept the love offered to him? Or will he turn with bloodlust on the very community that betrayed him. Better yet, will her own life be its recompense?

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Razza

wrote 163 days ago

As promised, here I am to comment. I did an extensive crit and decided to scrap it - I doubt it would have helped you. Instead, I've spent the day considering what would be the best way I could help. So here goes.

Many people have commented on the beauty of your prose and rightly so. Several things stand out for me. The overiding skill of your writing is your voice. Writers strive to find their voice - they struggle for years immitating others and end up with a pell-mell hotchpotch (I include myself in this group). You don't. Your voice has authority, uniqueness, and a sublime ability to coerce the reader into willingly believing 'most' of what you write. This is a gift. Simple. To display this gift at 15 is mind-boggling. Your opening three sentences just say, here I am and you're having it.

But you don't let up. You smack us square on the jaw with some pulchritudinous details, again that has been covered. Again, this is a gift that writers three times your years yearn. Some of your close-ups on the world and humanity rip the heart out of the reader, place it back, and leave it humbled. You humbled me.

The best analogy I could come up with was likening you to a young Sugar Ray Leonard (I was a Hagler fan). You ooze oojamaflip. But beware. With oojamaflip you need discipline, time, and resilience. Leonard owned these qualities along with oojamaflip. I'm sure you have these qualities. You are starting out with a huge advantage. Please do not waste it. Look for starters at what you can cut - where you repeat yourself; look at where you smother some of your precious lines in clusters; look at sentences that don't necessarily belong in certain paragraphs. Keep the beauty and let it sparkle.

I suggest, after your review, rest, and reflection, you spend time reading great writers like McCarthy - notably The Road and study what he does with his voice. Look at Hemmingway and study how he lets the reader pluck out the diamonds. Read Gilead. Above everything read and write.

Finally and indubitably, get somebody to read your work to you and listen for the chinks, appreciate the mellifluence of your cadences, wallow in your enviable ability to write with passion and truth. You are a writer.

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C. D. Verhoff

wrote 221 days ago

I haven't met very many people your age who can write this well. You have a knack for visuals, turning them into symbolic gestures, like with the way Jack offers her the bow and it falls to the ground, and the alter comparison with the fruit, which seems to symbolize the seductive, but damning fruit in the Garden of Eden. Especially in light of how you describe Jack as a demon. One nit though. I noticed you're hyphen-happy, placing them in places they're not needed. Your writing style is super sophisticated for a 15-year-old. You're a rising star. Good luck.

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L.C.Candle

wrote 222 days ago

Thank. Goodness. I read all the time and critique and I've seen some good fiction and some fiction that was just plain...Silly. Let's call it that. This is something that I have been waiting to read. Good old fashioned, talented writing. This is the craft at it's finest, I believe. I am appalled actually at it's low rating. You do know a way with words for sure. Impressed. Impressed. That's all I can say, really. Thank gosh you messaged me. You have refreshed my mind with your writing. Your style is so straight and pleasurable to read. I don't have anything to say in means of improvements. I wouldn't say to change a thing, honestly. You sank your teeth into me and you did not let go, that is for sure. I love your characters, love that power that you have within them. Very smooth transitions. Not everyone can pull off that sort of thing. Check your punctuation, I suppose. That's the only thing that I can really draw upon. You almost remind me of a less fantastic Poe, take that as a compliment please, because I can't say you are a Poe--no one will ever match his talent. I love your comparisons and metaphors. Terrific. I love it.

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Exiled_Muse

wrote 223 days ago

The very first line captured my attention. The way you linked those three short phrases was the point of no return for me. As I continued with the prologue, questions came to mind of what was going on and how the story would end. It really drew me into the emotional aspects of Jack and Kaitlyn's story. Your descriptions and metaphors were wonderfully done; the contrast between Kaitlyn and Jack being both dark and light, how their relationship was perverse. All of those sections just made me want to continue on.

Distinguishing between the different characters at the beginning of each subsequent chapter was a nice touch and a good way to look into their minds without having the narrator tell the reader all their thoughts. At the beginning of Original Sin, I found that you switch back and forth from past and present tense, something that's easily fixed with a little editing. The descriptions of the playground and the other children was nicely done. When you introduced Jack as "a little wolfish thing" it made me smile. It was cute (to me, at least. =P). The way you switch from having Kaitlyn speak and think as if she's an adult and a child is nicely done. The memories of her childhood are told wonderfully in this sort of childlike atmosphere but the comments are clearly more mature, darker and thoughtful, full of the experiences and changes that have occurred with age and the passing of years.

And the last lines of each chapter just make me want to continue reading. You know just how to make the reader continue with the story, regardless of the the duties that they have. The voice is dark and besides a lack of commas and some other mistakes, I couldn't find anything obviously wrong with the story.

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YourSorrowCause

wrote 8 days ago

Like everyone else day, you have amazingly beautiful voice. You make the cold seep into me and I read in awe of the story, wondering what I am reading at the same time as thinking I should stop. One of the most amazing things I have read. A lot of people, myself included, try too hard to make it happen. We try to hard the voice becomes stale. If that makes any sense at all. It sounds like a brick wall is reading to you, and although everything else is perfect, that just isn't going to work.

Detail, detail, detail. I have been busting down on people all day because of detail. For a while, I was thinking that wasn't my place, but if I can help someone, why not? But trust me, you don't need any help with this goodness. You have it down right perfect. So good for you.

Jack, he sounds like a good dude. From what I see, all he wants to do this live. But not in the way many think that would mean. Maybe I am misjudging the way you are writing, or the way you wanted people to make this sound, but from what I see it seems as if he just wants to live no matter how cold life is at the moment.

Overall: Great, amazing, any word that means good. You wrote this in a way I had to stop and think.

Happy writing.
Andy

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zoiej29

wrote 14 days ago

this is a truly amazing story, with very good description and depth. I have to say that I agree with most of what you had to say on your profile, and if it's bad to love horror movies and crazy people, then I guess I should too, be concerned for my good sanity. This book though , is darkly beautiful, and I am very picky with books, and I am enthralled with your writing! I do so hope you plan to become an author soon, as a career choice!!! toodles, zoie

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Faceless

wrote 19 days ago

holy shit...
*speechless*

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MarilynEliizabeth

wrote 47 days ago

this is intense!(: absolutely ahh-mazing. I havent put anything up yet but you should check it out sometime if your interested. Anyways keep up the good work(:

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flaggirl3

wrote 53 days ago

Okay, I read to chapter five and now I get it. Just going to cut to the chase here, this is going on my picks.

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flaggirl3

wrote 69 days ago

You write really good. But, I don't really get the point of this book at all. Of course I just read the first threee chapters so that may not help my comprehension much. I saw no grammar errors and no spelling errors.

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Rachiee

wrote 70 days ago

This is really, really crazy good. It took me a while to find where I left off (chapter 8) but I was instantly sucked right back in.
I really love that you switch from first and third person, it's really cool and intense.
I didn't really pay attention to any mistakes because I was too into reading it.
My heart really goes out to poor Jack, I was really happy that he was trying to help April but then something bad happened and now I'm terrified for him. Does nothing ever go well for the poor guy?!!
You really write this incredibly. I really feel like I am Jack, fucked up, abused Jack in his sad, horrible world. This really is intense and insanely good. You could make a LOT of money off this stuff, seriously. I'm glad that I started reading it again!
-Rachiee;

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Jezebell333

wrote 81 days ago

Hey! I read it like I said I would. And these are my comments:
It was really interesting to read, I was really curious on what happens next. My only two sudgestions is one: for a seven year old kid, you chracter really uses big words. At age seven you'd use smaller words, things are simpler back then, to exspress this you need to think like you're seven. Two: Your story (espically in the begining) is dragged out a bit. I took a while for a single action to take plce.
But don't fret! It's beautiful writeing! I'm a bit of a picky writer but I liked this story. Keep up the good work!! :)
If you want to return the favor, please read my story Tis Written in Blood.

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[500]Riots

wrote 91 days ago

I loved the prolouge, it was beautifully written. And you certainly do have your vocie as an author, as a writer. The way you brought up the story with the prolouge was magnificant, if i must say again. The first chapter was good, but it seemed like too much overwhelming thoughts for just a seven year old girl. Possbily add more corkiness and childish reason to it as well. But otherwise, fantastic!

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MJLiiLPriiNC3SS

wrote 111 days ago

this is an amazing story. i love it

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naminecarol

wrote 113 days ago

okay i think the same as razza my only thing is yes your writing is fabulous you got me captured now what are you going to do about it go somewhere and get it published have them edit it do something then use your god given talent and write more.

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Kelsey Straub

wrote 123 days ago

Here is the critique I promised you. I would like to start out by saying that I loved your project

A lot of times, within a single chapter or paragraph you switch from a omniscient narrator who seems to know all of the characters inner most thoughts to a third person limited narrator who can describe the characters actions from afar but doesn’t have much insight. You also seem to switch from active to passive voice a lot, which is not necessarily grammatically incorrect, but I find it more effective to predominately use active voice and only use passive voice when you are consciously using it to create a certain effect. I would also create a distinct voice for each of you characters. One could be pessimistic yet insightful, and one could have an extensive vocabulary or whatever you want, but giving each character a distinct voice and trademark can give your characters and writing more personality, so their emotions and thoughts don’t start to blend together in the mind of the reader. Also, a lot of the time throughout your story, you will say something like “the difference was..” and you never tell what it was different from. Make sure to state the norm that you are comparing it to or reword it. I would reread your project and make sure that each sentence makes sense to a person who’s not yet sure of where you’re going with each idea. I could always tell what you were trying to say. But, the way some sentences were worded made them hard to make sense of initially. Here are some things I noticed in certain chapters;
Chapter 2 – I don’t know if this is an older Kaitlyn reflecting on a memory or a young Kaitlyn going through this experience. I think both choices would work, but I would make the choice obvious and consistent. At some points her mind appears appropriate for her age, like when she feels the only way to deal with her problems is crying or when she uses the grass as a scapegoat for her problems, but at some points she has the insight of a much older person and uses words like ‘erotic’, ‘impoverished’ and ‘seductive’ which are far beyond the grasp of a kindergardener.
Chapter 3 – I just wanted to say that I love the emotional appeal in this chapter! ☺
Chapter 4 – I would show more of an internal struggle over wether or not he wants to kill his father. You use a contradiction ‘it was decided’ then ‘it was only a fantasy’ which indicates his inability to make up his mind and a harsh internal struggle, and I think it would be interesting if you went farther into that.
Chapter 5 – Kaitlyn’s thoughts have a little bit of a rough transition from one to the next. For example when you say ‘Why did I put him through so much torment. The thing that had been different today was that our eyes had actually met.’ I would smooth the transition between them, or if you are trying to show that her mind is reeling and she can’t grasp her thoughts, I would use a technique like a long list of rhetorical questions one after the other. Also, why does she carry so much food and a blanket in her book bag? You may want to explain that.
I didn’t have as much to say about the later chapters. It gets much more in depth and I got lost in the story. The emotion you have describing when he is getting abused by his father is amazing.

You are a terrific writer with great emotional appeal! Keep at it! Let me know when you update! Also, I have my project up now, so if you could read it and comment, that would be great!

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Rachiee

wrote 125 days ago

the prologue was really really really good.

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Jami Montgomery

wrote 125 days ago

Wow..Im not really sure what to say here...
I was drawn in from the first line. completely hooked by the third. Your voice is incredible, your words fluid and always flowing, no hitches in the road, no waves in the water. The prologue (prologue?) is amazing! I thought I had read this before because the title sounded so familiar, but I really dont think I have.
I would remember this.
I find myself wondering now what they are. Are they just normal kids? Are they paranormals? mutants? hybrids? chamera?
The beginning makes them sound supernatural, the middle makes them sound like adolescents, and the end make them sound like innocent children loking for their place in the world, doing it together. I have GOT to read more, but seeing as I have to be AT work in seven hours and i havent slept yet, I am thinking it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Going on my watch list until I can read more!
Thanks for reading my novel as well!
-Jami

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Untitled_

wrote 129 days ago

Wow, reading this really made me speechless. This is one day how I wish to write. PLease do nto give up on this I can truley see it getting published. Granted, there were some things that did not appel to me. While reading this. But it was very good overall.

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twilightprincess1

wrote 130 days ago

O..M...G... I absolutely love this story!! It's just amazing! :) Please please don't give up on this story! It's just simply amazing.... I want to keep on reading! This deserves to be published!! :)

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DramaCat18

wrote 131 days ago

Well, you asked me to comment, so I did. I love how you write with such fluent honesty, not bothering to mask the resilient pain. You don't sugarcoat everything or anything, a brilliant much-needed breath of [dark] fresh air. You like to lay everything in the open, not caring what emotion it portrays. You spin the tale in a complicated, raw, unbroken line of advanced vocabulary, true emotion, and a brilliant plot line. I praise you for having so much zest, so much poignant talent. It is un-latent, actively in motion, and my best advice to you would be to write down every idea that comes to mind, because you're gonna go far.

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mkparlett

wrote 136 days ago

I love your voice through the story. Its very good, and your writing has a unique touch to it that intruges readers. But after a while, it gets boring and confusing. The switching from point of view from point of view isn't very good, it just confuses me sometimes. I like the plot ect. but its just a hard book to follow. But overall, very good job!

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gogogrl

wrote 137 days ago

Here for our swap:

It was a really nice story, I enjoyed it. You did a really good job on it, I give you kudos :). It had very deep emotions that I got sucked into right away. It mad me cry and feel sad for Jack and for his loss. But it was very well written, sogreat job.

Jan

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inkpoperika

wrote 141 days ago

I love the assertiveness conveyed through your writing. You do not simply tell a story hoping that readers will listen to it. You demand attention via your strong language, vivid imagery, and attention to detail. These things alone make your work stand out, and lure the reader in, holding them captive, so to speak, as if they are prisoners of your words. It makes the reader feel as if they are a part of the story. As if the characters are not merely fiction, but true friends that you can't help but to grow to care for as the story continues.

Honestly, I could not stop turning the [virtual] pages. I repeatedly told myself that I would read just one more chapter; but you end each chapter with such a cliffhanger, that one more chapter continues until every last page has been devoured. You have a way with words. A wonderful ability to craft a story that is inescapable. I can't give you a critique, to be quite truthful, because everything is just perfect. Sublime, lovely, and enchanting. You are an amazing talent. :)

xoxox,
Erika

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WritingAngle10

wrote 142 days ago

I'd really like to read this once you are finished. This seems like something I would be interested in.

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LC

wrote 145 days ago

This is written eloquently. You speak with much more maturity and grace than typical teens. Introverts as you describe yourself in your profile sometimes discover themselves much sooner than others bc they are not conforming to their peers or society, you are finding yourself in your writing what a wonderful talent! And to discover it at such a young age is magnificent! Shelved. Leah

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Water Bottle Blondie

wrote 145 days ago

This is a very heart wrenching story, and there's so much emotion. It's hard to capture all of that. Good job!

WBBlondie

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ash_loves_music

wrote 148 days ago

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caitgirl1394

wrote 150 days ago

so im in love with your voice, its soooo strong and endearing and the imagry and details are just wow, i can see why it was a top pick. thanks for the great read.

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Zephy Rocks

wrote 152 days ago

I've read the prologue and first chapter and I love this. It's so well-described! I can difinitely see why this got top-picked. :)

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Acursivememory

wrote 152 days ago

i love this!!!!!!!!!! wow! I'm in awe! :D

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PaiNtEdWiNgS

wrote 153 days ago

This novel is so inflamed with passion and desperation and dark curiousity, it just leaves me breathless. Pure beauty and masterpiece shines within each blakened corner of this story. It is simply incredible, amazing, artistic, and truly i cannot find the right words which makes it just intriguingly indescribable. I am so glad that you have written this piece because I feel so attatched to it and I am hungering for more after each chapter. I can honestly say that this is my absolute favorite literature anything of all time and you have granted me such a gift just by writing it. I wish you luck in completing this mysterious tale, though I know you will surely deliver a purely inspirational book.

*rawr, wings, and kisses* -Bianca<

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shadowgateseries

wrote 155 days ago

That's amazing! OMG!!!!

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weplayedpirates

wrote 155 days ago

Wow. Just read your prologue, and it's beautiful--your imagery is amazing and some of the lines just really jumped out and grabbed me. You're missing a few commas here and there, and have some grammar issues but that's nothing to worry about--they're not glaringly obvious. This is simply stunning, and I can't wait to read more.
Nita

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Savior-Elemental

wrote 155 days ago

This is pretty good so far; I just might have to keep reading this! I love your writing style the most though. :D

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blusugarose

wrote 157 days ago

I finally finished reading this! It's very dark, and really pulls you in. I got disoriented when I stopped- you really feel Jack's loneliness and pain, and the "wrongness" or brokenness of it all. I can't wait to see what happens next!

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AjGrands

wrote 157 days ago

So you asked me to read part of your "project" (thats what they seem to be called here) and you'll read some of mine. And while I'm not so into the general romance-horror genre, the quality of your prose really stands out from some of crap my friends tag me in on facebook. So that was refreshing. You've developed your characters very well, you seem to have really gotten inside their heads and have all their motivations figured out. If I had to criticize, its probably the most common critique of any writer: show, don't tell. Just looking at the summary because thats the page the comments are on, for some reason, "It’s definition: Friendship." besides for the common mistake of confusing the possesive "its" with the contraction "it is", your readers are smart enough to figure out that what develops is not a bad case of flu. If they're not smart enough to realize this, screw 'em.
I hope this review was helpful.

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angel_of_music_10ll

wrote 158 days ago

Wow, your work is so beautiful...you certainly deserve publishing, and anyone who says otherwise is INSANE. If I could think of any other synonyms besides awesome, great, amazing, and poetic, etc., I would definitely use them to describe your story. It's stunning!
-Julia

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nici_luv

wrote 158 days ago

i like it i think i might add it to my favs . btw its a great story

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Jadeeyedgurrl

wrote 158 days ago

You're writing reminds me of my best friends:) It's beautiful, flows perfectly, and is poetic. I love how smooth your writing is. Does that make since? Anyways, great work! I love it!

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darbyclark

wrote 158 days ago

You're writing makes me wanting more! Which i am sure every writers dreams its reader feels. You're writing style is classic, and beautiful. You write the way i wish i did!

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Nix Blaque

wrote 158 days ago

I’m so sorry for the ridiculously long wait, but hopefully this will make up for it, alright? Okay, so I’ll do the chapters—like always—on a chapter-by-chapter basis, okay?
Prologue: What an interesting start! You capture the reader’s attention almost instantly, although with inserting so much high-standard vocabulary, you’re running the risk of losing the attention of the reader at the beginning. Other than that, I think you did a spectacular job! Even this early you’re showing off your vivid description talents, and the piece was well structured.
Chapter One: Another interesting chapter that leaves the reader thirsting for more! You certainly have an enchanting style, the sort of thing that grasps the reader’s attention from the simply an initial scan-read! The only thing that I really picked up on were a few over-run sentences—nothing that a little editing wouldn’t pick up, I’m sure, now that you know what to look for.
Chapter Two: A beautiful way to introduce the aspect of him cutting himself, I must say. The chapter is written with such emotion that it becomes an understandable thing to do (although the fact that I cut myself too, once upon a time might make it a little easier to relate). His character is portrait beautifully, and the transition from the memory into the present is almost seamless—almost a little too seamless, although I’m not sure that I would recommend to change it...
Chapter Three: Once again, a great portrayal of the character, although the chapter could be seen as a little over-run with thoughts, and the reader gets a little lost as to what is going on outside Jack’s head—which is, unfortunately, just as important as what is going inside of it. Another great chapter.
Unfortunately, due to lack of time, and a pressing list of other novels to read, I’ll have to cut my review shut here. I’ll have to add you to my watch list, though!
-Nixxie.

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WickedlyAmazing

wrote 159 days ago

I am extremely jealous of your amazing writing abilities!
Every single sentence in your prologue seemed to hold hidden meaning and it was just written so good!
Descriptions, storyline, your personal way of writing...
I have absolutely nothing to complain about...
and every single thing to praise :D

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doah12

wrote 159 days ago

i have read the first few chapters, and i have got to say, that i am very impressed!
this was not what i thought it would be. it was way off what i thought!
i feel that your characters have a strong voice! it reaches in and grabs me. if that makes any sense. hah. well i just over all like this book so far.
i fell that you have a strong use of descriptions! there were many things that were well described. i was able to picture it in my head so well. and i feel that its the amount of how much you describe something that pulls readers in. well for me it is.
all in all, very well written.

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Jawna

wrote 159 days ago

i really like this:)

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blusugarose

wrote 159 days ago

I read the first chapter and had to keep myself from going to the next and spending all day on it. I love how you put little hooks at the end of each chapter and I think the imagery is amazing. (and I'm not just saying that to be nice- I really mean it!)

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Char Marie Adles

wrote 160 days ago

i love how you use your words. It drew me in and kept me wanting more. Good job.

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Fallen rose

wrote 160 days ago

i love it and it amazing and i haven't finish it yet but i can't stop reading it

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LadyBugs

wrote 160 days ago

Your writing voice is amazing, I must say. One thing I have to critique on is your grammar; it's not always so fantastic. Your commas could be placed better.

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Rainydaydollar

wrote 160 days ago

I added this to my picks! Great book!

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cortez

wrote 160 days ago

Chapter 3: I enjoyed this chapter because the imagery again was rather impressive. The analogies were great but towards the end of the this chapter I felt like you were over using them. They were good no doubt, its just that they were long and too close together. Again that's just my opinion take from it what you will, I look forward to reading more.

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Sella

wrote 160 days ago

Wow, i only read the summary and i was already blown away, although the summary doesnt count, i can already tell you writing style! Great job!

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cortez

wrote 160 days ago

Chapter2: wow. Althought Jack is a dark character, I got to say that I love him. Very clever and unique character, as well as well rounded. On one side you see this dark brooding character, on the other this protective loving sibling.

Also I feel as thought I just have to say this, I really enjoy how some parts of this story are quite poetic. For example: "She'd urged curling her toes in the noontide breeze, waiting to sail away along the seas all by one push of the park's tire swing." I mean wow, that line just had me blown away, and also drew a tangible picture of just how dark these children's lives were.

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cortez

wrote 160 days ago

Chapter1: I first want to say that I love the unique voice your main character has. Moving on to your anologies and synnonyms, you have great taste in them, and that's my favorite part of your writing. You take things people can relate to and lay out the atmosphere and scenery.

My favorite line in this chapter was:
"Abundant laughs filled the atmosphere, calming whatever stress this town carried on its winds far away. That had been when Brooke-stone elementary had been it's own world of light." This took me back to when I first started school, I remember the feeling of invincibility, and possiblity. Greatly written.

I also enjoyed the way you took the Jack character and virtually made him one with the tree, alive in theory, but not neccesarily living, as the other children joyfully frolicing.

However, I don't agree with the word choice of erotic, or suductive in this chapter because it's deals with children, to me these specific words seem out of place. Perhaps rousing and alluring? But that's just my opinion, maybe it has something to do with something later in the story I'm not sure but I'll keep reading.

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